Contains 10 Grams Of Phat

The Cantaloupe

You know what? Eventually I bet I could reuse bits from previous newsletters. Do you think you'd notice? Maybe I shall try. I mean I already use the same title for every newsletter. Nobody’s complained about that so logically nobody would complain if I just told the same jokes each issue either. OR I could just tell random idiotic pointless jokes like: 2
Q: Why didn't the chicken cross the road?
A: Because the drifter ate him
Actually I think I'll write new bits. It's not like I don't have enough material. I mean I could always talk about how I hate my readers....I mean how I hate rapists. Every single week they need to be fed, newsletter after newsletter...those reade....I mean rapists.(By the way, you notice how many bits I've stolen from other sources lately. I ripped off the Simpson's rip off of VH1, now I rip off Mad TV, I rip off everyone)
Of course half of you 8 wouldn't have noticed if I hadn't told you

The Program Is Brought to you by...

Finally I will keep one of my numerous promises. Last newsletter (it has been a while hasn't it?) I talked about a contest and here's how it shall work. You will phone me up and tell me why you should get a cake to call your own. Or I suppose if you want, you could email me, since some of you don't have my number, but you won't win that way so don't try. But I tend not to be home. Solution, you could leave a message because I just need to listen to it. In fact it's probably better if you leave a message, but if you have to tell it to me that's okay too. No I like answering machine. Why do I want you to phone? Because it's just a lot more fun and well....it's new and different. And you might also want to sing that message. Or well just tell me why you should get cake. And why you want ME to bake your cake. And random things like that. I haven't yet determined how I’ll pick the winner, but chances are those out of my general driving area tend not to have as good a chance, but that shouldn't stop you from trying right? I'll have some fun honourable mention prizes too. Perhaps mail prizes! Of course perhaps being the key word.By the way if some of you don't have my phone number and wish to call...email me and I shall give it to you. No I won't. But if you like pink you might just find it. And if you call you've got an amazing chance to win since probably only two of you will even do the contest. If you're lucky. If not I'll just bake myself a cake and that's better anyways.
The moral of this contest is I'm a desperately lonely individual who just wants someone to talk to him. Or I just want to laugh at you. I mean with you, I keep talking bad today, 5 what's up with that?

The Joys Of Living At Home

Ahhh...the joys of living at home. That was the title wasn't it? Yesterday I was looking for my pile of laundry and *surprise*, it was gone. And magically it had been cleaned and stuck in my closet. It's totally weird, because I don't pay rent or car insurance. Somehow they're just magically paid for! I think there must be some sort of fairy behind this. Like car-paying fairy and a laundry fairy and such.In other news I got a cheque the other day. It must be from the cheque fairy. I know some people think it's because I had a job and worked or such, but no I do that for free 2 and the cheque fairy brings me money.

SACKS! Preferably Burlap

I never actually did anything crazy. It's kinda sad. I got a few good ideas. Here are some of the ones I got. There are good ideas, it's just that I'm pressed for time and well some of these ideas are a little difficult.

"You should go to a Bridal Fair and set up a YVR (representing beautiful people since 1983) booth. Then you should have massive signs (which I could even help provide) such as "Meeting All Your Groom Needs" and "From Short To Tall, Wide to Small, We've Got Your Man!" Then you could bring along friends and you could all hang out at the booth all day and chat it up with girls who might need husbands for their weddings."-Nolan A., Calgary, AB
You know I happen to like this idea immensely! Does it cost money to set up a booth at one of those fairs? Does anyone know? Anyways it seems kinda odd that nobody would have thought of this before. I mean at a bridal fair what part of it would be more important than finding a husband? I mean you certainly can't marry a rock. Unless of course, Bill C-789 passes and we all pray that it does, but until then you'll have to stick with man-woman weddings. And without a man it doesn't work. By the way, here's the wording of Bill C-789."And each woman may be married under Canadian law to either a) a man or b) a rock. That woman shall not be married to both the man and the rock. If the woman wants to divorce the rock there shall be a custody battle where the officer in charge of such shall throw the groom at his wife (and by the groom we mean the rock)"

"I had an idea of what you should do. You should arrange a time when all the people who you know should meet you at a certain public place and they should act as if you're famous, running up to you and asking for your autograph... Then see how many other people who don't know you ask you for your autograph just because they don't want to appear stupid in not knowing who you are. However, this may be difficult, because it involves other people, and the more the better...."-Shanon P, Almost Calgary, AB
This requires co-ordination, which is against my religion. Where you say? Well it's stated in Not Co-ordinating chapter 10 verse 5 where it says "if thou shalt wisheth to co-ordinate, too bad because if thou doeth that, the Lord shalt smite thee with a curse". At least I think it does. I could be wrong. Me and Jebus haven't been too close of late.

"As for a stunt, or something fun and slightly wacky to do. Find a relatively busy/crowded elevator. Bring some friends if you so choose. Enter the elevator, sit down, and camp out in the elevator for several hours, just going up and down. I did that this weekend with quite a few friends, it proved very entertaining. We even got some free fresh-popped popcorn out of it. To make it even better, what we wanted to do had we the time and supplies, bring furniture, home furnishings, etc, into the elevator with you. Maybe a bed, a nightstand, a lamp, and a photo of someone close to you. Or try a desk, a nice comfy chair, and some good reading books. Or a table, and some dishes, and prepare a feast for those who dare to ride your elevator. However you choose to do it, I'm sure you can make it interesting and unique. Have fun!" Sarah, Unknown Location like say CA
Well that's certainly great, or instead you could bring a ton of those coloured balls they have for kids. You know ball pits? Those balls. And you could fill an elevator with those and play all night long. In fact if I'm president I vote that everywhere gets filled with balls!

"now this is what you should do that's crazy but i'm sure you'd still wanna do it . (it's so trevor) k, make a music video w/ polka techno and make up dumb lyrics adorning cheese and coasters. combine the dumb song with a hip dance in tight gold pants (which I’m sure you have tucked away in a corner of your drawer) then make tons of copies and put them in random people's mailboxes and mail them to people in like, china. then finish with a note saying you will entertain ,at a decent price, and weddings, graduations, and best of all, children's birthday parties..."Bridget F., Edmonton, AB
Come to think of it, I don't mind this idea either. I mean who can resist the tight gold pants baby! And polka is even better! Speaking of which we need to speak up to get full contact polka sumo an Olympic sport for 2008! We can do it with your help. And only if I become president.In ConclusionHave any comments on the other day's VH1 Presentation you can send to me to forward to VH1. By the way I still need questions and material for future issues so tell me stories, whatever it's all good. Please, please do so. I'm desperate here. DO IT!!! DO IT NOW!!!!

TreVor "YVR" PleTT

(Remember boys and girls that crocodiles are not to be put in your mouth under ANY circumstances. I know it might seem like a good idea at the time but....hey wait...it does seem like a good idea.)

From The Guy Who Writes the Cantaloupe

The Cantaloupe

As we speak I'm in the wonderful country of Afghanistan. I tell you all "HI". This is why I could not send you a newsletter last week and this is why this week's issue shall be short and sweet. What have I been doing? I know you'd all like to know. Well on Wednesday I joined a rebel movement. Thursday I overthrew the government. Friday I discovered oil. Now I'm a billionaire mullah. Life is a little different. I'm getting used to the turban, it's actually kinda comfy. Being an international terrorist is actually not that bad. The mountain I began to hide in as of Saturday has a big screen TV with all the Al-Jazeera network I want to watch. Although their version of the Simpsons just baffles me. Anyway maybe one day they'll anoint me king. Probably not. So next week I'll probably be back here sending out a regular newsletter. It's been a while hasn't it? Then again it doesn't seem like you miss me, so perhaps I'll start writing in Arabic and send it to all my new Afghani buddies.
Remember me the way I once was....CRUSHING YOU LIKE A FLY!
NO wait...I'm good
Cya next week

TREVOR

VH1 Presents Behind The Laughter

During the Cantaloupe’s 14 month run, it has won numerous awards. Three Pulitzer Prizes, Two Emmys, an Oscar and 8 Grammys. Its author, Trevor Plett appeared on the covers of People, Teen People, YM, Rolling Stone, Cosmo Girl, Newsweek and Garden Week Magazines. You've all heard about it, you've read it, but have you heard what's "BEHIND THE LAUGHTER"

BEHIND THE LAUGHTER-March 9, 2005

It all began on a quiet day in October 1983. Trevor Matthew Plett was born at the General Hospital in Calgary. It was the beginning of a soap opera that would go from good to bad and back again and eventually will go bad, then good, then more good, then back to bad and so on from good to bad and then just kinda average. At the age of 15, Trevor began living on the street. He had decided that since people always tend to go from hard luck to fame and riches, that he would also do it. Unfortunately for him, he changed his mind 5 minutes after walking out the door. But luck would have it's way eventually. In high school, he had friends that influenced him to try his hand at writing. In grade 12 he wrote a masterpiece article about a certain Mr. Chagani. This article appeared in the Lester B. Pearson high school newspaper.
Mr Chagani- "I always knew that Trevor would make an awesome writer. That article was genius. However I can't figure out what the internet in Scotland has to do with anything"
Despite rumours that the article was in fact an analogous paper making fun of Mr. Chagani, Trevor's reputation as a writer was forming. Then one day while working at a summer camp, Trevor and his friend Nathan were called "the best leaders ever" by a newspaper stuck out with the kids. This really hit Trevor.
Sean Connery- "Trevor brought that clipping everywhere. He even taped it to his head for a while until he realized that ripped out his hair."
That day he decided never would he not write newsletters again. Unfortunately he backed down on that plan for 2 years. Two years of wasting his talents, but finally after a visit to the landfill that saw it filled with mostly his talents, Trevor decided to give writing newsletters a try. So in the winter of 2003, Trevor shut himself off from the rest of the world. He spent two weeks alone at home, perfecting it.
Trevor- "I knew I'd only get one shot at a first impression. It was so important I missed two of my final exams to do it."
Then in January 2004, Trevor hit the send button. His newsletter was sent. No longer could he hide his talents behind a bush like those two birds. Soon the replies came in. They weren't negative. They were positive. People liked it!
Trevor- "I was really surprised by the reaction people gave me. I thought people would say things like 'who do you think you are, Tonya Harding' and 'I wish you were dead'. But they didn't. In fact only three or four people said those things"
It became a regular Tuesday activity for people around Alberta. Tuesday was Cantaloupe Day. People gathered round the computer to read the newest issue of the Cantaloupe.Trevor was writing newsletter after newsletter. Everyone loved him. All things were going good. It was March 2004, but little did Trevor know how things were about to go bad. While he still put out newsletters, little did the outside world see the turmoil behind the scenes between the two keys participants, Trevor and his computer.
Trevor- "You piece of junk! I'll kill you! I'll kill all of you!"
Writing the newsletter became less of a joy based of these things and more of a chore. Soon Trevor became addicted to Windex to ease the pain. By the summer of 2004, Trevor consumed 6 bottles of Windex a day. Witnesses say he didn't recognize friend from foe
Trevor- "Nice kitty, nice kitty"
Duane (Trevor's brother)- That's actually the toaster.
After months of Windex usage, Trevor was referenced to a CA meeting for cleaning product abusers. Things seemed to be taking a turn for the better, but it wasn't long until the world began doing downhill again.
Trevor- "I thought I was over my problems, but what I didn't know is I had problems underneath the surface, like inside of me or something."
During the spring, Trevor tried out for the rock group Metallica. He was turned down
Trevor- "It'd been my dream for 3 days to join Metallica and play the triangle. They hate me, I just know it! Why?!"
It turns out there was no try outs, it was just the imagination and the Windex talking.
James Hetfield (leader singer for Metallica)- "Last night this guy came up to us, saying something about him being good for the band. Well this guy was so smashed on Windex and he couldn't even hit the triangle he claimed to play! What a f****** looney!"
The disappointment of this failure had caused Trevor not to trust any famous rock stars. It infected him like the Ebola virus will soon infect North America. It festered until he had reached a breaking point. It wasn't only famous rock stars who felt this rage, but an unlikely source.
Trevor- "It got to the point where I became dangerous to all those around me. I needed the Windex to get over the pain, but I couldn't control myself when on the Windex."
On the morning of July 31, 2004, Trevor opened his newspaper and found out Metallica had hired a new triangle player, the very same night he tried out. And on top that, it was one of his friends. In a fit of anger, Trevor consumed 3 bottles of Windex. It was to be a long day ahead of him. One that would strain the relationships around him forever. Or maybe just a couple of days. Actually let's try forever. That evening Trevor confronted his "friend" that had joined Metallica. Unfortunately it may have been not the time or the place. When Trevor in a Windex-influenced stupor started beating his friend, it ruined what otherwise was a perfect wedding reception. Yes, his friend was the best man. Luckily the bride thought quickly and hit Trevor with the bouquet. "I've been shot!" exclaimed Trevor, just before he was escorted out.
When Trevor woke up the next day, the newspaper headline was similarly depressing. "Local Writer Embarrasses Himself at Friend's Wedding" it read.
The Bride- "I had pictured this day since I was a little girl. Never once did I imagine someone I had invited to beat up the best man"
The Groom- "If I ever get married again, I'm certainly not inviting him"
The barbs from the media were candy compared to the poison ivy his friends brought to him. Readership in the Cantaloupe dropped 60 % over this period. It appeared nobody wanted to read another week's issue apologizing and listing recipes for drinks including Windex. It was just a matter of time. Soon the Cantaloupe had become no more. Trevor had run away. He had to hide from the abuse. He had to find a place where nobody would toss fruit at him every time he appeared in public. A place where disgraced celebrities could be at peace. That place would be Hollywood. Originally this was to be the week he got his very own star, but instead he was entering without the glitz and glamour. Of course Hollywood turned out not to be the place of healing it was hoped it would be. In fact it compounded Trevor's problems. He got involved in wild nightly parties involving stars of all types. One problem was this included rock stars. Tabloid fodder claimed he and Bruce Springsteen were trying to kill each other. This was only partially true. Once Trevor punched Gwen Stefani. One director gave him another chance. Gore Verbinski welcomed Trevor to the filming of Pirates Of The Caribbean 2 as a minor role character. However this proposition failed when arguments between Orlando Bloom and our man over who was better looking interfered with shooting of the movie.
Orlando Bloom- "Trevor never once looked at the script. It's like he was just there to get after my case. While he may have been right, it doesn't matter, because this is a movie, not a good-looking contest."
Trevor was fired and his welcome in Hollywood had worn out. The next stop was the City of Lights: Las Vegas, Nevada. It was October 2004. Trevor was more toned down, but in a serious of ill-steps he gambled away a lot of his money betting on the Los Angeles Clippers. Also he foolishly invested a lot of his money in General Motors which lost him a ton with what all happened there. We don't need to say it, because you all know.
Trevor- "Las Vegas was like a dream, maybe because I was combining Windex and Comet into a super-drink. Other than that it was living at times and dying at other times."
The Windex problem was only compounded when in a search for a job, the only one he could find was that of window washer. It was like giving an alcoholic the job as a bartender, or giving a panda-addict a job as zookeeper. But he had to make back some money somehow. Trevor won big a couple times. He won back a lot of money in a "which celebrity will get arrested next" pool. It turns out he knew already. He had inside connections with a lot of people. So when Orlando Bloom was brought in for murder charges, he wasn't surprised. He had seen it happen on set, but he didn't want to tell anyone in the hopes he could pay off in this way. Things were going better financially at least. However the non-stop partying began again. Trevor gambled, drank more Windex/Comet and even had a short annulled marriage to Britney Spears.
Britney Spears- "I thought maybe after my first three joke weddings, maybe someone would laugh with me instead of at me, but they didn't. That's why I tried this one. Unfortunately nobody laughed again. With me."
Trevor- "I was so desperate for attention that I had to marry Britney Spears. I know it's not much of a story anymore, but whatever I can get will help."
By this time some of Trevor's friends realized what kind of problems he was living with and came down to Vegas to help him out.
Anonymous female friend- "I was worried about Trevor especially hearing about his annulled marriage to Britney. I mean he always rambles on about how he hates Britney so I knew he was messed up. So I told him 'man, you have to get yourself straightened out'. But he said 'you wanna get married, it's all the rage here to get married and annulled'. I had to resist the urge to leave, but I knew he needed my help. I told him that in the real world, marriages aren't just ceremonies and then never seeing the other person again. I told him he needed to come home and that I would make sure he kept going to Cleaning product Anonymous. Well he thought about it for a couple days then decided I was right."
By now it was Christmastime and people's attentions were focused on things such as love and more so consumerism, rather than pelting him with fruit. Trevor was made to go to CA constantly. Soon he no longer was taking Windex with or without Comet. Exactly a year after he released his first issue he decided to write his newsletter again. Surprisingly people read. And they laughed. Despite the newsletter once again only being read by friends, Trevor was happy.
Trevor- "Again people were telling me how much they liked the newsletter"
Reader- "I'm just so glad he wasn't randomly hitting the keyboard anymore. I had enough of 'dkdnhndohsod' over and over again week after week. I had to comment him on this whether it was good or not. I mean it's better than watching 'Rosie' that's for sure."
And it was good. At least that's what people told us and we believe they were telling the truth. Unless of course they were bribed with cookies to say so. Now we here must admit that you would have to be a monster to bribe people with cookies. We promise cookies to anyone who finds us such a person, but anyway Trevor was once again back on his game, his 8 months of fame behind him at least for another month, he was back. And he's got a vision. To give everyone a cookie. A cookie laced with Windex. Or maybe he won't. But then again....

This has been a presentation of VH1's Behind The Laughter

Tune In Next Week when we talk about how the death of Brad broke up Five Iron Frenzy
Reece Roper- When I read it on the internet that Brad (the trumpet player), had died, I realized that we as a band could not continue on. I curse the day I ever met the boy. Only the good die young they say.

Back In The Day

The Cantaloupe

You know the hardest part to write in this silly newsletter is the introduction. I mean how do I keep writing good intros week after week. Well here's what I do. Often I reference how many of these things I've put out. Often I refer to the previous issue. Many times I just ramble on a topic that nobody cares about and viola! Although violas are pretty cool. On another note, I've decided to collect some old memories into this issue. Old stories and such.By the way did anyone see the Oscars sunday night? Well I didn't. And you shouldn't have either. Boo to the Oscars. At least the Razzie's pick the deserving winners most of the time. Like Britney Spears and Madonna (both Razzie winners).

What Real Politics Should Be Like

Has anyone noticed how boring people are nowadays? I mean people are boring. It comes back with my memories of high school. People were boring. Why start model parliament parties with goals such as deglobalization and such. C'mon you're boring! That's right. That's why we started the Don't Care party. So here I present to you the Don't Care party platform (written by one Stephen Chow)...

Don't Care Party OFFICIAL Platform
Penguins OwnLeader: Eric VP: Penguin Bob Loser Joke Leader: Nolan
Note: Eric is not really the leader
Healthcare: DC supports the 5 tier system. We feel that people should be put into 5 distinct classes. 1) really poor 2) poor 3) living in a cardboard box 4) rich 5) Steve type rich. Since Steve is rich he obviously deserves the best healthcare, it's just common sense. Also even though Eric lives in a cardboard box, he also should get level 5 healthcare as he is going to be ESS president soon.
Gun Control: Yeah DC definitely supports gun control. I mean what's up with those out of control guns? Like come on!! They definitely need to be in control. Who should control them you ask? Penguins...PENGUINS OWN. Trevor is NOT penguin Bob. Missiles will be placed on top of Lester B. Pearson High School. This will hopefully be a deterrent for the prisoners who will be sharing the school with the students. If they try to escape, a missile will be launched at them. This goes for both prisoners and students. Tuesdays will be a really bad day.
Energy Rebates: Where does energy come from anyway? Electrons from electricity. We propose to give rebates of electricity. Come to one of our designated offices and get hit with 1000V of electricity. Everybody is eligible for these rebates regardless of if they filled out a tax form. In fact especially if they didn't fill out one.
Education: Our Party much like CPD is in favour of decreasing class sizes. We will attempt to do this by encouraging dropouts and people to skip every Tuesday. Also we feel not enough of our children know about penguins. Why you ask? Well there's just not enough penguin teachers but that will change once we are in power. Also there will be no more school resource officers. Instead we are planning on hiring people called "Tim Horton's Officers." They will be there all hours of the day in case students need donuts. This will cost $10000000 to implement, which will be funded by robbing the corrupt rich (except Steve) and sending them to Siberia.
Economy: Canada's dollar sucks. So basically we're all screwed are there's nothing we can do about it. Well actually that's not true. We plan to take all the non-corrupt rich people's money and send them to Siberia. Then we will buy penguin stock with their money. Then we will be more powerful than Russia!
Environment: Basically once we are in power and take over the United States, our penguins will need a place to live. Therefore we will be sending 1000000 helicopters to Antarctica to bring snow and put it in the USA. They will also be transporting Americans to Antarctica at the same time. We just doubled our efficiency. Take that CPD! So in case you're not sure what I'm saying. Our party plans to ensure penguins have the best environment.
Globalization: Yes for globalization. We take over world. Yes. Soon. We=power. Then world=ours. Penguins=ownage. Nolan=owned by exit sign(s). Mandatory Survivor parties. Nolan automatically wins lottery every week, therefore robbed and sent to Siberia. Grammar=must have. Selling=good. Eric=presidente.

Personally I loved our party. I've attached a few of my party posters to this email for you. And we had a "mystery white powder giveaway". I mean who wouldn't love to do that in a high school. And wearing a towel because we were told not to wear blue jeans.

Tourism Guide

My favourite place to travel to is simple. Roswell, New Mexico. Greatest city ever! The only letdown in that entire city was the fact that I didn't actually meet an alien. They have alien eyes on their street lights! And they have really big hairy spiders that happened to sneak into our sleeping area in the morning. Ahh...now there's some good memories. But what if we combined them. Really big alien spider street lights crawling around! Now don't tell me that wouldn't attract you to Roswell. I mean they could give you cash rewards for surviving the trip without getting stomped on or eaten. Of course I would be controlling these things so they would hurt me and I'd get lots of money.
(Note-Sometimes girls can ruin your fun. For example the person that crushed our furry spider friend was not being nice.)

Way Back in the Day

Going back in the day...I found my grade six yearbook sort of thingy where you had to type out a page of info on yourself. Well so much has changed. My favourite video game was Super Mario Kart. And man with the amount of awesome games nowadays that totally has changed. Actually wait, that's about the only thing that hasn't changed. Actually no, my favourite day is still Saturday. But my picture in there. Wow! I still look good. I don't know where I'm going in this section. Although I was really surprised when I read that Eric wanted to be a drunk when he was older. Sorry inside joke.

Answer Time

Some readers of mine have asked about black snow. Would it melt faster? Physics says yes. Would people still eat snow if it were black? Most likely. Would we throw snowballs if snow were black? Again yes. Finally would guys pee in snow if it were black? Again yes. Of course black snow would could some other differences. Chances are you'd be dreaming of a black Christmas. One like you used to know from da hood. However black snow is so unimaginative. How bout hot pink snow? Now that's more like it. Can you imagine? On a day like today here in Calgary, the world would look just like Barbie's dreamhouse. Speaking of which, did you know Barbie dumped Ken? For a much younger man. But then again how long did Ken hold up Barbie. Barbie was expecting the ring probably for 20 years. I mean Ken stood up her up. Don't play with a girl's heart. And he lost. Good riddance.
The following letter I must reprint in it's entirety (note-you may need a dictionary)

"An open letter to the editor of the Cantaloupe. I was horrified at the inexplicable, inexcusable, and absolutely incomprehensible rant about YVR's silly Russian friend and his badly-behaved, long-nosed pachyderm. The careless insistence that children are plentiful and easy to come-by is questionable at best because years of exhaustive studies have shown that, when it comes to numbers of kids, quality over quantity often yields better results when it comes to creating a set of offspring which will appropriately carry your name. Stupid children like those who positioned themselves within the gait of such a behemoth are undoubtedly the results of the proliferation mentality shared by so many people these days. Our lives be as parents would be so much easier if we had one or two children and raised them in the key areas of elephant foot avoidance and general large animal safety instead of having many little ones and leaving them to get stepped on by russian pets and then wasting our time squeezing out tears for those little brats. Or maybe I am going the wrong way with this... I propose punishing the parents of the flattened munchkins by giving them as chew toys to YRV's pet elephant. After all, it is their fault that YRV's poor elephant hurt his feet stepping on all of their badly behaved offspring. Either way, I'd appreciate it if you would scold the Cantaloupe's production staff and encourage them to seek out proper authorities before making rash claims. Also, on a different note, I want to hear YRV's opinion on the inescapably handsome fellow as I, being one myself, want to know how a wise yet homely person would respond. I can get opinions from beautiful people like YVR anywhere, let the Cantaloupe truly be the voice of the people, including the homely-wisened-russian-mahout people. Sincerely, Lucart 'neologistically better than you' VonShnikerboin"
So yeah I asked Yerov the hard-working-Russian farmer about the inexplicably gorgeous gentleman and here's what he said
Yerov- "I don't have time to answer your questions, ze grain needs a watering"
Anyways I still have lots of letters packed away for use in the future.

Next week's awesome question

I want to you to combine two items from the list below and tell me what the new thing would be like and how you would be able to make money off marketing the thing (either selling the thing, or selling things to deal with the thing, or selling thing prevention)-Spatula -Watermelon -Traffic Light-Grizzly Bear -Slightly Nervous Teenager -Wal-Mart-2:00 am -Lightning -Responsibility-Germany -Frodo Baggins -Ostrich eggs-Left elbow -Kleenex -Boxer-briefs-Hamlet -Ocean waves -the sun-Jell-o -Ebola virus -56

By the way I don't mind if you ask me questions that I don't ask. I mean come to me with all your problems and questions. Who else you going to go to? Jean Chrétien? When has he done anything for you? When's the last time Jean Chrétien came to your house and baked you a cake? I thought so. Which is uhhhh...why I'm more qualified. Maybe that should be a giveaway some day. Have me come to your house and bake you a cake. Or maybe just a cake I baked. Sure why not? So starting next week, the CAKE contest! Goodnight, remember live for today, because tomorrow never comes and yesterday is always in the past!

YVR / Trevor / Myself

(The Cantaloupe is really awesome. If you want me to become rich, famous and able to lend you money when you're living in a cardboard box you must republish and rebroadcast the Cantaloupe without my expressed written permission, or that of my mother, because maybe one day, I'll become Emperor and you can say "I used to know that guy". Note-Vote for me-Emperor in the year 2045!)