Back To Our Regular Tuesdays

The Cantaloupe

I don't know how you all liked the stunt I pulled last week. I suspect you loved it, because I loved it. It was a way for me to stick out two newsletters in a week. And it was fun. And let me assure you...I will not quit writing this anytime soon so none of you worry (until April Fool's Day when I'll actually quit but nobody will believe me. haha. or not.) So ha, let's all gather around and thank the Lord for another meal of Cantaloupe.

Societal Deviance

If you've ever watched Kung Pow: Enter the Fist, there's a character who thinks winning is losing and the other way around. "I'm bleeding, therefore making me the victor". Basically they trained him that way as a joke. So you know, I've always wondered...what if we actually did that? We trained kids wrong, just for laughs. I mean sure they'd get picked on, but what if we did it to ALL kids. Each one got something else wrong. I mean then they'd all be abnormal and nobody would get picked on for that reason. One kid we could train him to name all the colours wrong. Green could be pink, white could be fuchsia, black would be peach and so on. We could teach another kid that to express gratitude is to stand up and spin like a ballerina 8 times. C'mon! Wouldn't this be fun! Sure they'd eventually catch on and conform, but hey think of how cute it would be! Speaking of which, if anyone pledges right now they WILL name their kid Yevor (YVR) or Trevor, I will take you for dinner. But you HAVE TO follow through on it, because I have mob connections. I'll clubb-a your knee-a-caps.

Captain's Log Date 86

I asked you recently to provide me something crazy to do and I'll give you another chance. It seems I didn't get a lot of answers and currently I suspect both of my actual responses are too hard to actually do although I'd love to do them. Well anyway...Here's an approximate log of what I did on Saturday.

8:30-I go to McDonald's with my friends Steve and Nolan
8:45-Begin to play game of Krokanole (note-spelling of previous word may be wrong, but whatever). McDonald's employees begin giving us strange looks.
9:20-Girls eating beside us comment on our game
9:35-Play Sequence
10:00-Open up a game of Settlers Of Catan
11:00-Accidently throw out card box with my garbage. Also technical closing of McDonald's.
11:30-Get asked to leave McDonald's, however we're not done our game. Take digital pictures of board and stuff. Find card box in garbage.
11:37-Enter Tim Horton's. Recreate game and finish it. (Note-It is still my belief it took longer to recreate than to finish the game)
1:00-After playing another game, Tim Horton's asks us to leave based on their closing.

Well one night. Two different restaurants kicking us out. Three different games. It wasn't bad. I still think McDonald's is the best board game place in town. Although if anyone wants to try out the other places and tell me how they are...go right ahead.

Oh Those Crazy Laws

Well since I provided an easy question for all of you, you gave me lots of answers. Keep it coming. I know where most of you live. And if not...I can find out! Trust me, I've done it before with people I hardly know. Phonebooks are a helpful resource. So basically reply to me....I need attention. I crave it. I must have it. Or I'll wither and die.

"the most pointless law that should be out there is Everytime a teacher makes eye contact with you you can smack them with a book! Infact, lets make it a bible just for fun lol. Give new meaning to the word bible thumper"-Katie B, Calgary AB
Well I always have believed that people should use their Bibles more. And certainly thumping people with them is the primary use. Another good thing about this theory is that you can very easily skip classes because how would a teacher know you're there without looking at you. Perifferal vision? What's that?

"everybodies msn picture would have to be the picture of my friends dad that looks like cheech"-Krystal W., Cochrane AB
See there's a problem there. I don't have that picture. However that would just make the law funner. I mean think of it, you'd have to follow this person's dad around and snap pictures of them. And since there's like how many million msn users....well you'd think eventually he'd notice and just sit at home, never to show his face again.

"would be the law that all members of parliament- in ottawa or at home- must be law abiding citizens themselves and willing and able to represent the cause and will of the majority"-Bridget F., Edmonton, AB
Well you see this would put our news media out of business and certainly nobody would want that now would we? On this note, I still haven't sent in my voter registration form thingy that I got. Personally I'm a little disappointed. If they don't pay me to vote, what motivation do I have? Now if only we had a Rhino Party member running here.

"It would be that people would have to blink atlest seven times a day. Why because it's pointless, It is pointless because we would have to blink seven time eneyway."-Gordie H., Calgary AB
Speaking of this, this is something completely stupid I could try and do....not blinking seven times in a day. It'd be hard but if you trained hard you could do it. My friend Nolan (the previously mentioned one) once went 3 hours without blinking. Now at that pace over 24 hours you'd blink 6 times. However there's quite a few hours where you don't open your eyes at all and therefore don't blink. But then again, the longest I've gone without blinking is like 20 minutes so....well I'm not good enough.

"a silly, and completely irrelevant law that i would impose would be to designate a mandatory length for shoelaces..and anyone who violates this law would be forced to wear velcro shoes the rest of thier shoe-wearing days!!"-Katelyn M., Somewhere I Shall Not Name
First of all I quoted her exactly, considering the black. Well first of all, i think it'd be funnier if the mandatory shoe lace length was 50 meters long. Think about all the times people would trip over their shoe laces. I mean everyone would get a good laugh. And just as a joke, you'd tie your friend's shoelaces to a moving car...well afterward you'd all have a good laugh! And you could use your shoelaces as a lasso and catch bears! Think of the possibilities.

Remember Perjury is a serious offence

Close your eyes for a sec. Okay they closed now? Well obviously not if you're still reading!!! CLOSE THEM! Fine then! If you don't want to do it, it's your problem. Don't say I didn't try to show you something cool.
Let's try again. This time I believe that I can read your mind. Okay. Think of a number between one and ten. Do it! okay pick another number between 6 and 8. Got it now. Now multiply those numbers together. Okay now divide by half of the number you have now (eg. if your number is 8, divide by half of that which would be 4). Okay now correspond that number to a letter of the alphabet. 1=A, 2=B, 3=C etc. Okay, now think of a fuzzy insect that stings you that starts with that letter, must be only one word long. Okay. Now I shall read your mind. You're thinking of a mouse aren't you? I'm so smart. I win all the time.

Question Of The Week- Well first of all I'd like you all to think of more crazy things for me to do. Post anything that I can do and I'll consider doing it.But Also-"If Yerov the hard-working Russian farmer were to appear in a reality show, what would if be about (describe what happens in the show)"

Today's Last Words

If there was no such thing as conformity, everyone would just be conforming to being different.

YVR / Trevor / Myself

(The Cantaloupe is really awesome. If you want me to become rich, famous and able to lend you money when you're living in a cardboard box you must republish and rebroadcast the Cantaloupe without my expressed written permission, or that of my mother, because maybe one day, I'll become Emperor and you can say "I used to know that guy". Note-Vote for me-Emperor in the year 2045!)

Rave The Whales

The Cantaloupe

I've been writing these practically all year. 2004 appears to be the year of the Cantaloupe. Yesterday I checked with the Chinese calendar and it actually is the year of the Cantaloupe. Which I thought was kinda strange because usually it's things like the year of the pig or ox or snake. Well it seems I've got a large following in China, because it's the year of the Cantaloupe.

The Catastrophe of Modern Life

Yesterday I was having a msn conversation with a girl and she told me about a law in some US state that you can't have an elephant without a leash. Well this reminded me of our good old friend Yerov. Remember him? The hard-working Russian farmer. Well recently he ran upon hard times in mother Russia. So he moved his family and all his livestock into the states. Well one day his elephant was getting restless on the leash so Yerov thought "I might as well let him run around for a little bit". Well the next day a policeman came to Yerov's house and confiscated his elephant! Of all the outrages, this kind of thing should not be tolerated! The policeman claimed the elephant trampled a couple little girls. Well who trusts a policeman's word for it anyway? And if the cost of changing an outdated law is a couple little girls' lives well that's something we need to be prepared to pay. They probably stepped under the elephant's feet anyway.
Now you see the kids parents on TV acting like they want to win the Oscar. I mean the crying act. It's getting a little old people! You can always have more kids. They're replaceable. It doesn't even cost money to buy one, but you most certainly can't say that about an elephant.

My Genius Idea

I've discovered the cure for all the world's problems. It's a fool proof philosophy. To solve the problem take the problem and add to the problem the opposite of the problem. This works in math. A + (-)A = 0 is that not correct? Well therefore it should work in real life too. Therefore I should have the cure for cancer. To do such a thing we must find the opposite of cancer. First what is cancer? Cancer is painful, cancer takes long time to get rid of, cancer grows. So if you find the opposite of that you cure cancer. Well I've decided that jolly ranchers shrink in your mouth, they're gone in minutes and they enjoyable. Therefore jolly ranchers cure cancer. Of course remember based on studies performed by scientists, everything causes cancer. Well, everything BUT jolly ranchers.

Overdue Questions

Well looking back at my email...I missed a few questions that were asked. Well okay I didn't miss them, because when did I ever promise to answer them right away? Well whatever because I'm getting to them now.
My favourite emailer from the province of Saskatchewan who's getting married in just over 5 months asks "if you could make up any word, what would it be". To clarify the above sentence I think there's only one person who could email me from Saskatchewan. Well you all could, but you'd first have to go to Saskatchewan. And also I believe there's only two people on my list getting married in 5 months. I know I'm not. Okay I would consider one of those Britney Spears marriages of one day. Although I'd beat her and get mine annulled in 5 minutes. Well personally I wish someone would use my name for a word. Why not a synonym for beautiful? Doesn't "you're so trevor tonight" sound romantic? Or maybe my name could be a slang greeting. Like "Trevor, dude". Unfortunately my name is more than likely going to be a carpet brand name.
Then I got this letter

"Dear Yerov, I know that girls find me so inexplicably handsome, I mean sometimes I can't even leave my house for fear of the onslaught of womanly attention my hot looks attract. It's to much for some days, I just wanna know how I can let the women of the world down without being to harsh."-Devin Reimer. Calgary, AB.
Well I must admit...I'm not actually Yerov, but I understand since we have such close connections. The problem with Yerov is he's not really a ladies' man. Well in a way he is. Helga, his wife of almost 18 years thinks he's her man. And he is. And she is a lady. And to tell you the truth Yerov doesn't really know much about being inexplicably handsome, he's kinda homely. You know blue-collar working man. So I gained his permission to answer this myself. As you all know I am irresistible. Well there are simple ways to let girls down without being too harsh. Here are a few of them.
-"I'm gay". Now of course you'd be lying here, but if there's anything that makes girls leave faster it's saying you're gay. The problem that might arise is when you all of a sudden want to find a girl...and well with how attractive you are...that may just cause gay folk to swarm you. So let's scratch this idea.
-"You're ugly". Oops you just got punched in the faceTo tell you the truth there's nothing you can do to stop these girls from liking you. They're bound to stick posters of you on their walls. Scream every time they see you. The best way I've found to deal with this is to carry around a bucket of tomatoes. Every time a girl screams, you lob a tomato at her mouth. If you miss, you should hit something else of her and well it's all good. And the girls will be like "Ahhhh...I just got hit with his tomato" and trust me, they'll still be happy, but who's going to complain about a life of constantly hitting people with tomatoes.

Question Of The Decade

"What should I (Trevor McPlett) do that's completely crazy, but still fun enough that I might actually do it?"
eg. About two weeks ago, my school had sock day. You were supposed to wear your fanciest pair of socks. Well that's no fun. Nobody can see what's on your feet if they're covered by shoes and pants. So I tied my hair back in pigtails, then I tied socks around each pigtail. Tada! And it was fabulous. I need something challenging yet do-able. If you think of something really awesome I will do it. Then I will write about my experiences doing it. It's a double whammy. I get column material. C'mon hit me baby, one more time. By the way, I expect each and every one of you to answer this question. If not, I'll have to uhhhh.....overlook it. And you wouldn't want that to happen now, would you?

Ladies and Gentlemen. Our Feature Presentation

Want to know the origins of my name? Well quote from meself circa 2001.

Cantaloupe, O valuably constructed cantaloupe
Why are you so crisp?
Shake your crust o cantaloupe, cantaloupe so fine
Oh you happy fruit so good. Good crisp and cool
Cantaloupe orange, cantaloupe blue, cantaloupe the shape of a crescent moon
Itch, itch, horrible itch. Thou art no like cantaloupe.
Cantaloupe rolling down a slope.
STOP!
STOP NOW!
NO!
Cantaloupe broken in half, why I must resort to laugh.
Ha ha you aint' gonna never beat my honeydew
Honeydew will do. Cantaloupe is done

Yep that it. The piece behind it all. Why Cantaloupe and not honeydew? Cantaloupe sounds better. I think I've set a record for saying the name of my newsletter (The Cantaloupe) the most times inside. I don't think I've ever had to type Cantaloupe as many times as I am now. In fact it's been twenty times so far plus at least one in my legal disclaimer. So yeah. Tune in next week when I discus the cubic zirconium in all its glory!

YVR / Trevor / Myself

(The Cantaloupe is not copyright anyone, year anytime. If you want to republish, rebroadcast without my expressed written permission, or that of Louisiana State Bass Shopping Registries, go right ahead, because legally you're going to become a newt. Don't worry. It'll get better)

The Whole Wheat Bread

The Whole Wheat Bread
By Trevor Plett

It recently came to my attention that many people die each day and well it hit me hard. No longer can I make jokes while such injustice is going on. The Cantaloupe was much too fun for today's society. So today I am going to bring you information and stories that will help you become a better person so our society can become a greater place.

How to lose 10 pounds in 10 days
Maybe try not eating for 10 days. It might work

An Uplifting Story
A person had a life-threatening disease. They thought they would die. But they fought it and won.

Save The Whales
It seems we just think of ourselves these days. We need to put an end to ritualistic whale slaughters. Why can't we both live together on land in peace and harmony?

In Conclusion
Somehow it seems I don't know a lot about "real" issues. Maybe I should research them a little more. If this is the end, well I tried my best. It was fun writing you all these times.

Although Honeydew Is Better

WARNING-This issue of the Cantaloupe may contain language, descriptions of partial nudity, violence, Gore, Al (there I just mentioned him), sex (both sexes actually), and also I may just mention myself.....a lot. I have uncovered hands (there's the partial nudity). And I've just used a lot of language. Anyway Al Gore is great. He invented the internet. If it wasn't for the internet I wouldn't be able to send you e-mail. So props to Al Gore. Anyway that's a long enough disclaimer

The Cantaloupe

Ahhhhhh...another issue of the Cantaloupe. The second greatest melon, slightly better than watermelon (although really good watermelon takes cantaloupe) and slightly worse than honeydew. I think today I shall keep this introduction short and sweet.

Trevor's Brain-No you should drag it out for all it's worth!
Trevor-I refuse. My readers don't want mindless babble.
Trevor's Brain- Oh trust me, they'll read it no matter if it's good or not. Remember it's Quantity over quality
Trevor-Well you may think so, but it's not going to happen
Trevor's Brain-Well it might hurt you then to notice we've been talking about nothing for 5 or so lines
Trevor's Pants-Hey we're just pants, we don't have any opinion

And there we go. Dragging it out mercilessly has won. And to the victor goes the spoils.

Alberta's Other City

So last weekend I was up in Edmonton. Or by the time you start reading this another weekend shall have passed. Well you all know I'm from Calgary and there's this sort of thing between our two cities. Well here's what I really think of Edmonton. It's great. Really great. Am I being sarcastic? Do you think I'm being sarcastic? Well let's say this Edmonton is still better than Winnipeg. Of course that's based upon the fact that I have no readers in Winnipeg and a few in Edmonton and you know I wouldn't want to insult my readers. Of course while I may like other places better than say Edmonton, I still refuse to step foot in a place such as Castor, Alberta (Home of the Castor Raiders). I mean can you imagine? I'd be in someone's house and they'd innocently have a knife, or scissors or anything sharp and I'd be running immediately. Let's just say this. I've got a wife and kids to think about here.

Letters, We Got Letters, We got Sacks and Sacks Of Letters

Well not that much. I'd still love to get more letters and stuff from all of you. But now is the time when I shall answer some questions from all of you.First of all I was asked how I can write a newsletter about myself and not sound conceited. Are you sure? I thought I was conceited already, but I must be mistaken. Well don't worry, I can change that. I'm the best. I rule. Yeah Yeah Yeah. Is that better? Oh wait, you think she meant con-creted? Well to tell you the truth I have one of the world's only computers that is also a cement mixer. Isn't that ingenious? Unfortunately a lot of things in this room tend to get buried in concrete. Fortunately I'm not one of them yet. But yeah she meant conceited. I must now admit, I'm very proud that someone has followed my advice and forwarded my random nonsense along. How do I know? Well I got email from a girl I don't even know. This made me happy. Soon the entire world will fall under my power. Of course that could be bad considering I'd most likely screw it up. Anyway she claims that penguins are only third after the squirrel and gnome kingdoms or something. Well to tell you the truth, the squirrels used to be in control until I ran over their leader with my car. I'm sorry but the world anyways has and always will be under the reign of penguins. True, at times they let someone else take them over, but that's only because they'd rather just waddle around and jump in water than have supreme rule. That doesn't change the fact that they own.
Why do I send this to myself? Rather than just putting it in my sent messages folder? Well that's really simple. I don't actually have a sent messages folder. You see I have Hotmail and what I have is a Inkorgen, Skrappost, Skickade Meddelanden, Utkast and Papperskorgen. I don't see any sent messages folder. But despite that, don't you like getting email once and a while too? Who cares if it's from yourself?

Going to dinner

Response is fading from my questions. This week I only got two responses to my last question about me and a famous person eating together and what's so funny? That's very disappointing. I know you all can do better. Well okay, not all, the two who sent things can not get better, at least in regards to writing me mail.

"if you were to dine with a famous person, it would be Barney the Dinosaur, because he's cool but a bit unpopular these days. Eating with you would do wonders for his carreer. The reptilian creature will treat you to a feast of figs, his favorite middle-eastern food. Then, his instinctual dinosaur urge that caused his removal from children's television will surface and you'll fight for your life as he tries to snack on your head. In the nick of time, you'll be rescued by a stray bullet from a driveby shooting a couple blocks away."-Nathan W, Calgary, AB
Hey, Nathan, that's two weeks in a row! That's good enough to make you READER OF THE WEEK! I'm very proud of you. As for the dinner i must admit that I DO live in Whitehorn. We have drive-by shooting every day. I mean I live in the hood. Or at least I say I do.

"I think I'd pick Adam Sandler. You two would go out to a big chinese buffet somewhere, Load up your plates and only end up eating half then start a huge food fight in the restaraunt. The waiters(ninjas) would come out in karatee outfits yelling"Hi Yah!" And would attempt to attack but you guys would do some matrix moves and finish them all off. Then you'd walk out of the restaraunt, with corny hero music playing in the background."-Kate Van K., Red Deer, AB
Ahhh, what would movies be without anonymous henchmen. I mean someday what I wouldn't give to play an anonymous henchman. That'd be the life. You walk onto the set, get beat up by a famous movie star and then sit pretty sipping iced tea by the beach. We need a beach in Calgary by the way. Global warming where are you when we need you?

My All-Time 8th Favourite Holiday

Guess what's coming up, say on...SATURDAY! A great, grand fantastic day. Should I elaborate? I suspect many of you already know. I starts with a V and rhymes with Mallontines Day. Well I love this day. Why? Because I love all days. But still there's something really fun about being single on Valentine's Day. First of all it brings back good memories of eating pizza. And getting paid to eat that pizza. Yeah that was 3 years ago and well that day changed my life forever. Speaking of this coming up Valentine's Day...I'm currently not doing anything. Now I'm not hinting anything to you people, but I'm free all day. ALL DAY! I mean if there's ever a party day, it's got to be the V-Day.

(Note-Isn't it odd that we think so fondly of a day commemorating a guy who got brutally killed?)

This Week's Question

"If you were to make any one completely pointless law for Canada to put into the legal system, what would it be and why?"

There you go. Work hard and if you hand the assignment in late....well too bad, but I'll have to dock you marks. Now two weeks ago I promised to have contests in last week's issue. If you read last week's issue, there was no contests. I had a great idea, unfortunately I now forget what that idea was. So I'll just think of another one. Well to tell you the truth I was contemplating "Win a Date with Trevor" but that would flood my inbox too full and it would also only be open to half the population. Well okay I'll keep thinking and maybe I'll have a good contest by next week.

Inside Joke of The Week (That maybe a reader or two will understand)

I saw an exit sign on Thursday. Lots of fun. Looking back on it, we had the most hilariously awkward conversation ever. But what do you expect, me to say "Hey guess what? I know where you live!" No that'd seem kinda strange. Or "Remember me, you ended up being in our political party, that, you know, used your phone number backwards in our bill". No I don't think so. Ahhhh....high school was fun. To be more specific I'm very sad that Nolan's graduation quote got edited. Without a girl's name and HIS phone number. Loads of fun. And to think it all began on Valentine's Day. True love. Good times.

Shameless Plug

Survivor: All Stars 9:00 Thursdays

Watch it. I mean I'm a HUGE fan of doing things just because other people telling you to. Actually I'm not, but I am a big fan of YOU doing things just because I tell you to. In conclusion I like selling out. If only I could find someone to pay me to advertise their product. Anyway own a company that's willing to donate to my causes? Please. Anyway talk to yous next week

YVR / Trevor / Me

(The Cantaloupe is not copyright anyone, year anytime. If you want to republish, rebroadcast without my expressed written permission, or that of Major League Bass Fishing, go right ahead, because legally I'm not a squash. In fact I encourage you to do so, providing that you don't proceed to hunt me down and send me in the mail to Castor)

Is That A Sweet Date or What?

The Cantaloupe

I must say this to begin today's newsletter. I never thought this would go as well as it has. I doubted I could stick out something new and original once a week. But it's becoming apparent that I can. At least I can now. I mean if I take a week off you won't crucify me will you? Hmmm....do I even want to take the chance. I hear crucifixion is rather painful. And since I now gave you that idea, I'd better keep the newsletters rolling rather than going through such pain.

And the Oscar goes to...Football To The Groin

Two weeks ago I asked what would happen if you (the reader) and me were stuck in a movie. Well I took the best and brightest of the responses (or all the responses in other words) and well there they are below with my personal comments thrown in.

"if you and I were stuck in a movie together... For some reason flinstones poped into my head right away, you remind me of barney sometimes. I dont know why though. Possibly because I could see you pushing around a dinosoure as a lawn mower... Hmm, Ill have to think about that. but yes, that would be the movie."-Katie B. (Calgary, AB)
To tell you the truth I wouldn't mind mowing the lawn with a dinosaur.

"trevor and I are to star in an upcoming romantic drama where we fight for the affection of a duck, which we believe to be a princess in disguise. in the process, we the world is threatened by a giant tidal wave. we sacrifice our lives to save the world in a noble effort to win the affections of the web-footed creature - only to realise, in our dying moments, that we actually were fighting over the wrong duck ... who was in fact, a duck.this movie also stars John Travolta, as the dancing tree."-Nathan W. (Calgary, AB)
At least I end up a hero, right? And it would be better than some of John Travolta's movies. And by some I mean....all...okay not all....but let's just begin by saying the words Battlefield and Earth in the same sentence.

"Well Trevor, obviously if we were to be trapped in a movie together, the plot is simple: sitting on theatre chairs, surrounded by surround sound, and stuffing our faces on lots and lots of popcorn. Of course there would be a many hushed sarcastic comments along the way, maybe the odd scurry out to the toilet and back, and a some kernals of popcorn thrown a few rows ahead. I highly doubt the plot summarized above would take forever, as most fall within the 2-3 hour length average. What kind of a movie would it be? Well if we were so inspired to escape, it would have to be either a very bad one or starring Ben Affleck. Or both. And how would we escape? Either during or after the movie, it's simple. Use the door."-Lauren H (England currently, speaking of which when I said two countries I meant three, same number basically right? but from Calgary, AB)
Speaking of Ben Affleck you have to feel kinda sorry for him. I mean he makes millions of dollars for being the laughing stock of well....me and others. At least he's got J.Lo to fall back on....right? I mean seriously did anyone mind Bennifer? It allowed us to double our efficiency! We now could mock two people with one mock. If it was up to me, they'd have to remain a couple forever just because they both suck. Two words for you. Gigli.
And Pretzels. mmmm.....pretzels.

It Seems Almost Hypocritical

Have I ever mentioned I dislike forwards? Yes, well good because I'm about to do it again. I hate forwards. To tell the truth sometimes I don't even mind so much receiving them as they give the appearance I get more email than I do. However there's a bunch of different types of forwards and I will lump them into groups and address each individually. Addressing individually unlike what I'm doing now to you all.

Romantic/Friendship/Love-This group will have some sort of message then end off by saying that I'll have bad luck in love if I don't pass this on. However one thing to remember is until my face is horribly disfigured I think I'll be fine thank you. I got the goods. Yes I got pretzels thank you very much.

"Christian"- Ahhhh.....my all time favourite group. Even these vary greatly. There a lot that start off with "Isn't it funny that eg. the worlds going to hell, blah blah blah" No it isn't funny! Isn't it funny that I've received this email about 800 times? Again let's go with No. But finally let's go with the kicker "If you love Jesus, you will forward this to 15+ people". Now let's say I die right now. Will you hear this conversation?

Jesus- Sorry, Trevor, you can't get into heaven, you didn't forward the email to enough people.
Trevor- D'oh!
Jesus- Why couldn't you have just passed on one of those poorly thought out messages in my name? I mean when someone says "If you love Jesus you'll pass this on", there's no way out. When I created the world, I made it so if someone says something, it HAS to be true.
Trevor- I guess you're right. Well I'm off to spend eternity in ultimate anguish and pain.

Trevor's All Time Personal Favourite- This one had an amazing beginning. Here's how it went off.

Bill Gates- We have too many people using hotmail. I mean the more people that use hotmail the more money I get, right? I need to somehow stop it.
Employee- Well you could send a forward that says "If you don't forward this to X amount of people we'll remove you from Hotmail"
Bill Gates- But how do we know they've received a message like that, I mean knowing that we can't actually read people's emails ourselves?
Employee- Hopefully they'll delete themselves

Yep that's the case folks although I think most people have smartened up to this one. It's kinda like all those viruses that magically pass themselves to people in your contact list. Oh wait, I still get warned about those. But nothing tops the "We're too rich, Get off hotmail" idea. Brilliant!

Quote Of The Week

Actually from an email forward I received this week"An original is ALWAYS worth more than a copy."You know I've been really negative towards forwards, but they're not all that bad. In fact I'll let you in on a little secret. If you want to live, I suggest forwarding this to at least 15 people, because all who don't have been known to die....someday. In fact I've been really negative overall during this newsletter, at least during all the parts I wrote, so how about I write a happy thing okay?The other day I saw a really cute bunny. It was so cute. Yes it was. You're a cute bunny, aren't you? Aren't you? Uhhh....okay not so much happy. More so disturbing. Fine then. Just remember, what has Larry done for you lately? Nothing! That's right. NOTHING! Don't trust in Larry. Larry won't provide for you no matter what anyone says. Keep sending questions, responses, emails of fun etc. for me to answer because I will pretty much get to all of them at some point. And hopefully next newsletter has less rants and more fun. Thank you, goodnight.

YVR / Trevor / Me

(The Cantaloupe is not copyright anyone, year anytime. If you want to republish, rebroadcast without my expressed written permission, or that of Major League Baseball, go right ahead, because legally I can't do squat. In fact I encourage you to do so)