Squirt Into Your Thirsty Eyes

The Cantaloupe

Hey! Remember me? The guy who sends you emails every week (seemingly Tuesdays)? Well yeah I had an unfortunate thing happen to me today. I almost died! Of course the car that almost hit me was a few meters away but if I had been magically transported to the spot where the car was going to hit, I could have died!!! And in that light, I'm glad to be alive and able to write you all another fantabulous newsletter. Perhaps you shall laugh until say....you die. But I hope that doesn't happen as I would be liable for it as I caused it and you know what happens then.....right.....? Yep I become controversial and therefore very famous and rich. And I don't want that right???

If Men are From Mars, Wouldn't Women be From France??

During the course of this section I shall attempt to solve humanity greatest conflict. The battle (or differences, but I prefer battle) of the sexes. First of all I heard someone tell me last week that estrogen gives them headaches. Now I consulted a doctor on this and they told me that there is no proof that such a statement is true. Well then I started to think about it and I realized "Men don't have estrogen, we have testosterone". And the person who said this quote was a guy. Maybe he has something to hide? Truth be told, there's nothing wrong with being a girly guy or wearing girl's pants now is there??? IS THERE?? Not to say anyone that does or anything. You have no proof. You can't see into my closet. Let's move on.

Gender Bender

Notice I never really answered the initial thing I was trying to say. You'll notice I do things like that. I pose a question and go off on a ridiculous tangent. Well....that's okay because I don't know what a backspace key is anyway. Or do I? So yeah my comment on the whole men vs. women thing is you all have no hope of ever understanding it, because you'll never ever truly be both in a lifetime. One may try, but you have to be one to understand. Personally I'd say it's better to look at it this way. Or I could just say girls are beautiful. Especially all of you that I'm sending this newsletter to. See I know that much about girls. They like to hear how attractive they are. Oh wait, I do too. Let's move on.

Random Thought Of The Day

Guys don't ever seem to remember their girlfriend's birthdays/anniversary. What would happen if you didn't remember Remembrance Day??? I mean isn't that the day when you remember all the things you've forgotten over the year? How could you possibly forget?

Bonus Random Thought, Also Of A Day

If your name is Christian, I hope you date a non-Christian

Questions, Questions, Questions

Well it's that time of the newsletter again where I go to my favourite thing, the questions. Okay well maybe it's not my favourite thing, but a lot of you are pretty funny. I love your responses to last weeks question, I promise you will see the results in next weeks column. However since I'm getting so much fan response this week...I have decided to ask you another question.

"If I (yep, that's right, Trevor) had dinner with any famous person, who would it be, what would be for dinner, and what's so funny about it?"

Now right let's get back to my questions at hand. I was asked this week this question"would you approve of a world takeover organized by penguins? thus a world government solely run by penguins?"

The World The Way It Once Was (And Still Is)

This question brought me back to my high school days. Back when I had a model parliament party founded with this point as a major principle. I believe one sign said "Penguins rule the world: So this election means nothing anyway". So there you have it. Would I approve of a world penguin takeover? Well I'll tell you this, I wouldn't be quoted on record being against it, or you might not ever hear from me again. And considering all the secret benefits I'm getting....personally I don't mind it. All major global events of the last 20 or so years have been organized by penguins. I hate to draw you back to my hotmail address, but it's true. There might be two objections you have with all of this. Why wouldn't I hear of this if it were so? You think people would be happy if they found they were governed by penguins? I don't think they would and inter-species peace is always a good thing. Second question-If the penguins were so secretive why would they tolerate me telling you all this? Because none of you will seriously believe me. And wouldn't it seem far more plausible if a guy like me DIDN'T say it? Of course I could ask a third question like "why did I just tell you that last piece of evidence" but that would bring on an infinite amount of questions and I don't yet have infinite time so lets' move on. (Hey my girliness didn't even cause me to say that this time)

Long Farewell Goodnight

Remember always-"Don't do milk, get eight hours of drugs and drink lots of sleep" -Quote of The Week (Mr. T, SNL parody version)
But that holds true for us today. If we do that we shall have eternal youth, or at least with all the drugs we are taking we shall think it to be true. Whatever.Send me your thoughts, jokes (not forwards, GRRRRR to them, but that's a topic for a future column), questions and random whatever. Maybe I'll even think of sending prizes. I mean that would be kinda fun now wouldn't it??? In fact I HEART that idea greatly so it shall be included in my next column I promise. Cya all and to all a great night.

YVR / Trevor / Me

(The Cantaloupe is not copyright anyone, year anytime. If you want to republish, rebroadcast without my expressed written permission, or that of Major League Baseball, go right ahead, because legally I can't do squat. In fact I encourage you to do so)

Lies, Gossip and Melons

The Cantaloupe

If you've ever heard the expression that the third time is the charm, you might immediately think "how does luck/fate know this is my third time?" Well let me tell you...it just does. Anyway this IS my third time (or issue) and for it I thought maybe I could turn on MY charm. Unfortunately I don't know how to turn it on or off, I think it just stays on all the time. But here I go again. I don't even know what I'm getting into. Maybe you do? Can I make you guys laugh forever? Won't I eventually have the obligatory down issue where you say "Trevor, why would you put these things out?" I don't know. Who knows if what I find entertaining myself will be entertaining by your standards. But it's not like you should care. I mean if you guys get something for free that is great, you can't complain when that free thing begins to suck. But lucky for you, those days are not yet here. Why? Because I'm great.

With Less Fan Mail It's Much Easier to Reply to Everything

Finally I'm going to answer the questions you guys sent me after the first week which was oh hardly any. One reader asks "what does Y R V stand for??" Hmmmm....that's a tough one. To answer that I'm going to have to ask Dan...who made up my nickname in the first place.

Trevor- What does Y R V mean?
Dan- Don't you mean Y V R?
Trevor- No I distinctly remember the question, it said Y R V.
Dan- Maybe they want to know what Y R V means
Trevor- That's what I would have guessed
Dan- Yerov maybe?
Trevor- Okay sounds good

So there you have it. It's Yerov, the hard-working Russian farmer. Well good job, Yerov, you had plentiful crops last supper. Now I know it's still hard to feed your twenty-nine kids, but I know you can do it. For all your moral values and convictions I dedicate this issue to Yerov, the hard-working Russian farmer.The other question asked what the best number is. Easy. Pi. It's the tastiest one around. I want Pie! Note-I wouldn't mind actually having more questions to answer, or you could just comment on what I wrote. I don't care, as long as I can use it as material I'm happy.

Clearer Than Clearasil

Now one might ask "Was that a real conversation?" What's real? If by real you mean that conversation very easily could have happened, well it's as real as anything else. To find out what you, the viewer, may think about this I've brought in the typical teenage girl MSN Messenger user.

Trevor-So you're fine with me using quotes that aren't actually real?
TTGMSNMU-sure
Trevor-You're sure you won't fall over backwards and die?
TTGMSNMU-no
TTGMSNMU-lol

There you have it...you as the viewer may fall over backwards and die, but trust me, if Yerov the hard-working Russian farmer were behind you, he would catch you.

The part where I make up a new feature to include

I've decided in the interest of me churning these things out constantly to continue urging reader response. Well on that note I feel like asking you a question and including the best possible responses in a future column. So here it is....

"If you and Trevor (me) were to be trapped in a movie, what kind would it be, what's the plot and how would we go about escaping (or maybe since I'm there, you want to stay forever and not escape)?"I can answer that question myself in a future issue as well. What?? You don't think me and myself could get trapped in a movie together. Well I think it could happen.

Quote of the Week

"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious." - Alan Minter, Boxer

This is the End (My Only Friend)

Well it had to end sometime. Either that or I'm trying to write today without any inspiration whatsoever that it takes 20 min to find a good sentence. No that isn't the case. Anyway I'd just like to tell you now that if any of you listen to my advice, I'd like to say that I take all blame for it. This is my conspiracy. I will influence you all (to myself, you can't hear me-mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha). By the way Penguins rule! Just in case you didn't know that yet, but it's true. Speaking of which I just opened up a can of material which I will cover in an upcoming issue. Gots to leave something to the imagination if you know what I mean. (hint, hint). Of course I'm hinting about penguins. Anyway have a great week and have a merry Christmas.

YVR / Trevor / Me

(The Canteloupe is not copyright anyone, year anytime. If you want to republish, rebroadcast without my expressed written permission, or that of Major League Baseball, go right ahead, because legally I can't do squat. In fact I encourage you to do so)

The Juice Is Loose

The Cantaloupe

Well I'm back at the computer after issue number one. Actually what you guys don't know is that I'm actually STILL at the computer after sending my last issue, but you guys won't get this one until later. Got to write while I've got free time you know? I mean my stupid class got cancelled today and if I had known that before I wouldn't even be up at this hour. 10:00?? Crazy early.

Reaction To The Juice

Since I already seem to have enough good material I'll save all questions for the next volume. Keep sending them though. However there's one comment that I must share from my email inbox. It concerns the poor and laughter. "If I was poor I would be laughing all the time, because what else could I do? Watch TV. in my house? Have a snack from my fridge? no, I would be standing on the sidewalk laughing my arse off at everyone and anything I see." Now let me say....I was wrong! It's the rich who need your laughter. Have you ever seen one of the people in business suits on the C-Train? My guess is THEY don't ever laugh. So next time you're on the train steal their briefcase, then give it back and say it's a joke...it'll lighten their day a little.

Hustle And Bustle

Well as you all know Christmas just came and went. Me, I love Christmas. Surprisingly enough, I even like Christmas shopping. You might ask why I would enjoy something so sadistic. Well I know Christmas is already gone, but here's an idea for what to do next year. Go into a store like a Toys R' Us or well anything that is overly packed during the holiday season. Find something completely lame like Mario does His Laundry video games (wait that'd actually be pretty cool) and yell out "THEY'RE IN STOCK! AND I'M THE FIRST PERSON TO GET ONE! MY KID WILL BE SO HAPPY!!!" Now of course none of the people I'm sending this to look old enough to have kids, but all parents want to get their kids the trendiest items for Christmas. Most likely this will cause a mad rush for whatever it is you yell out. Just make sure you get away before the stampede crushes you. And while you're at it, maybe get the store to pay you, as you just created a buying frenzy. Don't you want extra money next year for the holidays? I do.

Mashed Potatoes

Also as part of this whole package I figure I can do poetry or lists (well actually I can do whatever I want).

Mashed potatoes are real great
I'd like a lot on my plate
And if you eat them on a date
You might find your future mate

Okay I'm sorry. I won't win any awards for that last piece.

Cool or Uncool

This is a section I thought up today. Personally I would say that I myself am cool. Now some might debate this, but those people shouldn't be reading this newsletter. If you are one of those, please at least skip to the next section. Well as one that is cool, I figure I can do some public service by telling all you people what is cool and what is not. (EDITOR'S [Which of course is me] NOTE- In fact I wrote a really good paragraph about an issue close to my heart, but just now it hit me. Why am I helping you all to be cool?? I mean if everyone else is cool, then cool will become the new cool and I won't be cool anymore. That's no fun and I'll have none of it. You all must stay as uncool as possible so I become much much cooler by comparison. Now you may call me selfish, but in fact I will help you all become cooler. Two words for you [plus one bonus word]. COOL BY ASSOCIATION.) That's how you become cool.

Quote Of The Week

"When life gives you lemons, throw them at old people"-Me...today....now-

Extra quote of the week"I once heard the voice of God. It said 'Vrrrrmmmmm.' Unless it was just a lawn mower." -Unknown (Age 11)

The Last Paragraph

In the interest of my already bloated ego, I allow you to pass this newsletter on to anyone who doesn't already receive it. The more youth corrupted by this, the better.Clearly my plans for this are to take over the world and if you thought otherwise you are mistaken. I can always use interesting tidbits so send them to me and I'll see what i can do. I mean this newsletter is sent to count them....2 DIFFERENT COUNTRIES! Oh I suppose only one reader will understand that...oh well...if I can't have inside jokes than I cease to be who I am. For the rest of you....tough luck. Note the overuse of the (...) system in this newsletter. The writing police would be all over me, but you won't tell them right? Remember always that the future is very predictable. Of course you're often wrong. But you still predicted something! Take comfort in that. I predict now that you will live to see another taco. Tune in next week where I will talk about Nigeria and the impact of their economy on my feet.

YVR / Trevor / Me

(The Cantaloupe is not copyright anyone, year anytime. If you want to republish, rebroadcast without my expressed written permission, or that of Major League Baseball, go right ahead, because legally I can't do squat. In fact I encourage you to do so)

Start Of A Juicier Era

The Cantaloupe

This was once an idea my friend had that I looked forward to. It was a bright light and well it's time to see whether I can do it to the same effect. I will see if I can make this a weekly or bi-monthly (or even yearly) newsletter. Who knows? Do I have the motivation? Possibly. But I'm going to need your help. I need you to send in your rants, your questions for me (I’m great for advice or giving fun bad advice) and whatever you want me to post. If you don't want to keep receiving this from me, well it's Catch 22 time. You have to email ME to get off the list. Or if you want to pass it on to friends do that too. Either way I win big. Anyway why the title? Why the Cantaloupe? Well I could tell you exactly why, but I need to save material for later. As a substitute, here's a dictionary meaning of cantaloupe

can·ta·loupe also can·ta·loup (k n tl- p )n.
1. A variety of melon (Cucumis melo var. reticulatus) having a tan rind with netlike ridges and a sweet fragrant orange flesh.
2. Any of several other related or similar melons.

Down To Business

So yeah here's the point in the newsletter where I will tell you a funny story and make funny comments about life. Well today I'm not going to say anything funny. This is a perfectly unfunny column. The other day I saw a horrible quote that says the average adult laughs 4 times a day. Now one thing I must remember is that for every time I laugh I'm stealing the laughter of someone else. Probably some homeless man somewhere dying of starvation. If you want to be a nice person, hit four and then stop because THE POOR NEED LAUGHTER! Oh well, they're poor. Life sucks anyway. It's not like laughter will help them. It's food they need.Either way I'm into shameless plugs and since nobody is currently paying me money to advertise I'll sell out for free. So go and visit your nearest Ford dealer for great prices on a new F-150! Zero Down, No Payments til 2030!!! You can even pass the payments on to your grandchildren (preferably try and have a lot of them so they can handle your payments).

About Me

I figure since this is the first issue that maybe I should state a little bit about myself. In the future maybe we'll have a feature on other people. Who knows? I mean it's not like I've planned these things out or anything!I was born. I was not wearing any pants when i was born. Later my parents put some pants on me. If it had been my choice I'm sure I wouldn't have had to wear pants. But it wasn't. Later I got bigger pants to wear. Some days I'd take off those pants to shower and such. But each day I would wear pants, well not in the summer because then I'd wear shorts. I began to like certain types of pants and dislike other types. This lead to me wearing the likable pants more. That brings us to the present day. I wear pants most of the time except again to shower and such. Some pants are gold and shiny, others are denim and blue. Some are tight, some are loose, but they are all pants...and if you're not wearing pants, please put some on now!

Final Words/Quote Of the Day

"We'll be safe here. Don't Worry"-Any horror film character before they get brutally massacred
Well let's call this a wrap. Hopefully some of you give me some input so I can relax on my next issue. I hope to have brightened your day a little and if not well....I can use a brighter font colour! Oops too bright. Double oops, not a funny joke. Tune in next time as my newsletter or such will be longer as someone will provide me with some wonderful questions or such that I can answer. Anything is okay from "I don't know what make of truck to buy" or "my girlfriend is actually a termite" or even "Last night I got your face tattooed on my arm". Whatever may amuse me. In fact I'll be quite amused if someone tattoos my face on their arm. I promise that I will take you out for a fancy dinner if you do it. But I'll stop typing now. And start working on the next one.Nitey Nite

YVR (also known as Trevor)

(The Cantaloupe is not copyright anyone, year anytime. If you want to republish, rebroadcast without my expressed written permission, or that of Major League Baseball, go right ahead, because legally I can't do squat)