Daisy Daisy Quilt and His Bamboo Dresser

The Cantaloupe

Okay guys, it's almost the end of March and hopefully soon it will feel like spring. I like the warmthening of the air and more importantly, me. Well you guys as well. Spring has always been a fantastic time to frolic through a field of flowers, but then again, anytime is good for that. However always remember to be able to run faster than the person whose flowers you just froliced on. Otherwise you'll end up slaving away in some sort of dusty celler, chopping wood and looking forward to the one turnip you recieve every day to eat. You'll feel the shackles cutting off blood flow from your fingers and you'll always be sore from sleeping on the rough concrete floor. You'll dream about the day someone finds you and rescues you, but it won't ever happen. No, it's a dark, dirty life for you. No showers, no change of clothes, no bathroom, no sparklers on your birthday and no yo yo's. Yeah, Spring is pretty cool. You can't deny it. As long as I get to do my frolicing, it's all good. Just take my advice to heart. That flower dude is one bad mother...errr....father.

To Be A Fool Is To Be Human

Saturday is April Fool's Day. Now some people on this day like to make a fool out of other people. Unfortunately I am usually neither the fooled or the fooler. I am merely the foolless. Yet, I shall tell you things to do or avoid on this very special day.
First of all I will address the fooled. Here are a couple things to remember: If someone tells you they died, they are trying to trick you. If someone tells you they randomly got married, they are trying to trick you. If someone tells you they want to hang out with you, they are trying to trick you. Even if they tell you that Missouri is a real U.S. state, they are trying to trick you. So starting from the moment you awake, take every thing that anyone is saying as a lie. Thus, you will not be fooled. So your friend wants to buy you dinner, don't trust them. So your boyfriend is giving you flowers, refuse them. So the guy you just ran over is bleeding on the pavement; he's simply acting. It's a simple concept. That way the fooler can't get their enjoyment.
Now that I've given that advice I need to give the fooler a couple words. As the day is April Fool's Day, people will not believe you very easily. Sure you'll get some people (especially if you live in Scotland around where Amy does), but the general populace is now weller informed. Here's what you do now. Instead of trying to fool people, don't try and fool them. That'll be the fool. Actually get married. Actually hang out with people. Actually tell people Missouri is a real state. This is a perfect time to conceive your first born child. The new joke is that nobody will believe the TRUE things you say or do. That way a few weeks later you'll be talking about it and the person will say, "It's not April Fool's anymore, jerk!" and you'll say, "I was always telling the truth, krej". Then they'll feel bad and it'll make you feel much better. So on this April Fool's, hang with your friends. On this April Fool's, give flowers to your girlfriend. On this April Fool's, bleed on the pavement for all it's worth, because as a wise poet once said, "the pavement is for bleeding, and the blood runs red through the soul".

Help for the Afflicted

Many people these days make money off telling other people what to do. There's "Dear Abby", Dr. Phil, Luke Skywalker and many other people who answer life questions. Thus today I introduce a good friend of mine to answer life's most pressing issues. So here's "Dear Guy Bleeding on the Pavement".

"Dear Guy Bleeding on the Pavement,
I've had this girlfriend for over a year now and we've gotten really close. We've talked about marriage and all, but I'm not certain she's ready. The problem is I was talking to her parents the other day and they told me she's actually one of a set of indentical quintuplets. What's interesting is that every time I'm with her, she wants me to call her by one of five names (Harriet, Belva, Gertrude, Vienna or Sue) and what I found out is these are the names of the quintuplets. So I asked Belva (and Vienna the next day) about this and they told me that it's tradition in their culture for identical siblings to all date the same person, but never at the same time. I'm a little confused about what I should do. I mean to tell you the truth I haven't ever seen more than one of them at the same time. Maybe it's not so serious. Maybe my girlfriend simply lied about it. I could live with a horrendous disrespect of my trust couldn't I? And if I get married, how do I know which one to marry?
Five Times the Fun"
"Dear Five Times,
That guy just ran me over! I was walking through this crosswalk and I got crushed by a grey Saturn of some kind. Now I'm bleeding. I need medical assistance. Please, help me! If you know first aid, some and bandage the huge gash in my upper thigh. I'm covered in red. Woe is me! This is the worst pain ever. Please, find help! I don't want to die!"

"Dear Guy Bleeding on the Pavement,
I was hosting this huge party at my house the other day and well, the strangest thing happened. You see as I was making the punch for the party, I accidentally dropped a whole ton of tranquilizer into the punch. Now the punch took me a lot of work (probably ten minutes) to that point and I didn't want to get rid of it. That would be wasteful. So at the party I served the punch, taking carefully precaution not to drink of it myself. Well after a while everyone at the party other than me was asleep on my floor. This was bad, because I can't sleep without cleaning my house first. I had to do something you see. So I dragged all the sleeping people into the back of my truck and since I didn't know where two or three of them lived, I just dumped all the bodies in a pile at the garbage dump. It was a lot easier than having to look at a map and figuring out where "24 Mapletreestump Place" is. Long story short, now some of those friends are upset with me about this. What else could I have done for them? The pile of bodies provided tons of heat. The garbage was soft and perfect for sleeping. How could you complain? What should I do to get revenge on these ungrateful 'friends'.
The World's Best Friend"
"Dear The Wo,
I'm shaking all over. I hear the screams, the screams. The world is going fuzzy. Spinning round and round. The pool of blood around me seemed like an ocean and I'm the sinking ship. The sirens begin, but they'll be too late. The pain has numbed me. There will be no miracle rescue for me. My body is broken and my mind begins to fade. Please tell my wife I love her, tell my kids to be good and tell my mother that...tell her..."

Poison Alert

Lucky Charms, they're tragically delicious. Well okay, no so much. Today we learned about death and how much it hurts. But what I didn't say is that death can sometimes be the easy way out. Sometimes the pain is too much and you...[ed. note- Trevor has been fired as writer of the Cantaloupe and the second of the five identical Trevors has been hired to finish this column]

...Uhhhh...hi....folks....I....like....dots....

Okay sorry, I'm not that dumb. In fact I'm no dumber than Trevor One. But what he would have said if he were here right now is that Cantaloupe books are still for sale, so please talk to Trevor (any from one to five) about getting yours today.
Oh yes, and I've heard grassy fields are more cozy to bleed on than the pavement. Just a consideration.

Trevor YVR Plett

(Subtitles, Subtitles, make my day today. They shake and shift and bounce and lift and roll in every way. Subtitles, Subtitles, have a friendly goat. They laugh and sing on pigeon's wings and then they buy a boat. Someday you will find that subtitles are so kind. They love to make you smile and talk about percentiles. Subtitles, Subtitles, are so really cool. They shove and prance like army ants and then jump in the pool)

Long List Of Gripes

The Cantaloupe

Now many of you may not know this about me, but I really enjoy the college basketball. I like the "March Madness". This I cannot deny. It's in "100 Things I Like". Well let me tell you about this really cool game (and you can thank my sister-in-law for this). It was between the Pittsburgh University Panthers and Bradley University Braves. Of course to put on the scoreboard they had to shortened Bradley to "Brad" on the top and Pittsburgh to "Pitt" on the bottom. So what I'm trying to say is many actors shorten their names these years. Bradley Pittsburgh is one of them. On the other side, many celebrities should shorten their names. Owen Wilson is too long. Ow Wil should suffice. Natalie Portman? Nat Po. Our society is filled with words that take more time than they need to say. Clearly we need machines to talk for us. Thus we can be more lazy.

Backtrack Stack

Remember when I made "100 Things I Like". Many of you probably don't because you haven't received this newsletter long enough. What you need to know is it showed I have a variety of interests and a serious side. Well today I've decided to show you I have equal hatred and I'm not serious. So without further ado, it's 100 Things I Hate
1) Cancer-Why do you have to kill so many people?
2) Getting hit in the head with a 2 x 4
3) When your father forgets your name
4) That dream where you're falling, but at the last minute you get saved by a magic carpet except that the magic carpet flies into a cliff and you get devoured by ravenous chimpanzees.
5) Stores that don't sell ice cream
6) People who make long lists about random junk- Seriously, who wants to read your Top Ten things I did today. Gosh!
7) People who are overly pessimistic
8) People who can't count
26) That feeling you get when you're reading something and then there's something important missing and you don't know what it is
27) See number 14
28) Dingos stealing my baby- I had ten babies and now I have eight!
29) Going to McDonald's and ordering a Royale with Cheese only to realize the fourteen year old employee has never seen Pulp Fiction and probably never well- Fine then, I suppose you've never been to France now have you?
30) 7:32 a.m
31) People who don't take advantage of commercial oppertunites- Why can't we have another three Lord of the Rings movies??
32) Cuddly bunnies- Seriously, what's worse than have this furry ball in your lap giving you those pretty eyes and then sweetly bouncing around? Can you imagine anything?
33) People who don't take responsibility for their actions- Just admit it. You messed it. How hard is that?
34) Hypocrites
35) Everyone who blames me- I know I just spilled sulphuric acid on your lap. It's not my fault. You bumped me and my hand slipped into my backpack, unscrewed the cap and poured the acid on you. I think that's your fault.
36) Pretending you're an astronaut and then realizing that your pretend space ship has a pretend crack in the hull that will cause you to pretend you're burning up on re-entry.
37) Words that don't rhyme with "ointment"
38) Aliens that don't give you a lollipop when they're through with you- Dentists do, why should aliens be any different?
39) The fact that female sperm whales aren't called "Egg Whales"
40) Getting hit in the hit by a 2 x 6
42) When my girlfriend tells me I need to burrow to the center of the Earth or else it's over- It was hard Melissa! It's hot down there and this horned red guy with a pitchfork kept jabbing me. But at least I got to keep the girl.
43) Men- They're so unattractive. What's the point having them around?
44) Dying- I thought I'd try it once, but it's not that great. Far too overrated.
45) Realizing you'd been walking on your hands all day- You get far too many blisters this way.
46) Hidden meanings, especially on a list number thirty-two- Why would you put hidden meanings in things? Seriously? For what purpose?
47) People who scroll back and try and find the hidden meaning
48) Misleading people- Some people make others think there is hidden meaning in something there clearly is not. Or is there?
49) Cannibals who don't wash your hands before they eat you- Cleanliness people!
50) Finally, I hate when people advertise something bigger than it really is- Like if something is only fifty, you don't need to tell me it's a whole hundred.

You Look Impressed

I'm going to give you a question of the day or week now so you're going to have to honestly answer me this:
"If you were trapped on a deserted island with nothing, would you rather have a bag of laundry detergent or a spatula and why?"

Tomorrow is the First Day of the Revolution

If you hate things as much as me, you should always kick them. Kicking solves a lot of life's problems. Think about a football game. If you're down three points, you just kick the ball through the goalposts and tie it up. Think about starting to ride a bike. You have to kick the stand so you can move. Kicking does so much for everyone. You can't argue with it. So the Love of Kicking Revolution has begun. Do you want to be alive and kicking or dead and not kicking? C'mon. You know you want to.

Trevor YVR Plett

(Oh yes, I hate subtitles with a passion. If you're going to say something, come out and say it. Don't stick it at the bottom of the screen where only sissies look. Seriously, jerks, use some common sense. I don't want to read some junk at the bottom in smaller print, so don't insult me in that way. Insult me in other ways like calling me a "scumbag" and stuff like that. I can take that, but I can't take subtitles. Stop it, please!)

Lava is All Around

The Cantaloupe

You know how I always randomly affect things with my Cantaloupe articles? Like when I talked about how it never snowed last year and it started snowing and I think I did that again this year. Either way, the Singles Awareness Day one was like that. Someone commented, "Your making this out to be leprosy. Do you think it's that serious?" Yes, singleness is a terrible thing. Over 50% of people worldwide die from this disease. How can you argue with such staggering statistics? Back to the topic though. I've learned a lot of things recently and since I've learned a lot of things I feel inclined to share. If you loved that last issue, because it described your life perfectly, feel free to skip this issue, because well...it won't.

Regarding Pillows

The other day I met this girl and she was really cool. Either way, because of this, I am going to theme this issue towards fun things like dating or whatever. One thing I know is there are way too many chick flicks with their so-called cliche love lines in there. Why say the same things that Tom Hanks said to Meg Ryan like one hundred times? So I'm going to give you a guide on things that you SHOULD tell your significant other.

"I think you may have just fallen into a pool of molten lava"
Translation- "You're hot"
Explanation- A volcano may erupt of any time, throwing smoke and ash into the sky. When you tell someone that they have fallen into a pit of molten lava, it's a good feeling that erupts inside that person and they'll throw you a party maybe.

"Your attire makes me remember the time when dinosaurs ruled the earth in a great yet tragically short reign."
Translation- "You look good in that"
Explanation- Just as dinosaurs lived and then died, it will be a shame when you cannot see your significant other in what they are wearing, because it looks so good. That's how they are like the dinosaurs.

"If all the king's horses and men were like you, we'd never eat eggs again"
Translation- "You complete me"
Explanation- Remember Humpty Dumpty? Well in pictures he is always an egg. The king's horses and men could not put him together again, but this person can put you together. Wait I don't know what that even means. Forget this one.

"There's plenty more koalas where those came from"
Translation- "You make me feel special"
Explanation- Okay I admit it, I thought up a phrase and then randomly assigned a meaning to it. But don't koalas make a person feel special? They're fluffy and Fluffy is awesome or at least I think so. Actually I think this saying was originated by Shakespeare. If I say that, maybe you'll believe me.

Finally, there comes a time in a relationship when you have to say that common phrase, but everyone says that common phrase so...

"Will you help plan a large scale event which will fundamentally alter both our lives that costs us a ton of money, includes our friends and relatives and ends with us going off to some secret location and doing things that if we saw our parents doing them would scar us permenantly?"
Translation- Well if you can't figure out that the saying is "Will you marry me?" you haven't thought of things very well.
Explanation- Relationships are supposed to be open and honest. Sometimes people want to get married, but they don't know what it will be like. So why just ask a vague question? Specify these things and it will make the moment so much more meaningful (or meaningless maybe).

Koalas are fluffy and so are Ostriches and since Fluffy is cool

Mailbags are good things, because you get mail and then you don't use it. No wait, I shall rectify that problem right now. A while back I asked a question about an ostrich. Basically I asked what you'd do if you woke up with an ostrich in your room. Here's my readers...

"If I woke up to find an ostrich in my room I would freak out because it means my other two must have gotten out again. And the dark streets of Calgary in winter are no place for two endangered Kenyan ostriches - way too many wildlife poachers roaming around."
-Jason P.
Wildlife poachers? Oh yes, that is a good name for people riding bicycles. Have you noticed a guy riding a bike in Calgary? Yes, well I have too. Have you noticed exotic animals wandering in our streets? No, well neither have I. Coincidence? I think not. Bike owners go out of their way to ensure wild animals get run down. I wouldn't trust an ostrich around them either.

"I'd probably just hide under the covers pretending to be asleep, hoping it would just go away. Fortunately, my phone is in my bedroom, so if I could reach it without upsetting the ostrich, I could phone in to work and say, 'sorry, I'm not coming in today. I am trapped in my bedroom. There is an ostrich staring at me right now and I'm scared to get out of bed.' I wonder what my boss would think of that?"-Ruth K.
Yeah those ostriches are pretty deadly. But really would that fly? Let's pretend that you're married and you wake up and your spouse is staring at you with those eyes that make you know you're in trouble. Would you do the same thing? "Sorry can't in. I'm trapped in the bedroom. My wife is going to kill me if I move." Don't tell me a spouse isn't more dangerous than an ostrich.

"i'd scream until i could scream no more."-Christine H.
And I'd eat ice cream until the ice cream was no more.

"First i would yawn (if thats how you spell it and even if it isn't). I would yawn because it is morning and i just woke up. 'Hey an ostritch!' I would say to myself, 'Kristina must be up to no good!' Seated at the edge of my bed (it is a loft so i would be quite high up and able to slip onto the unsuspecting back of my bird friend), I slide onto the back of my unsuspecting bird friend. I ride him out of my room and across the hall to my sleeping sisters room meanwhile planning something aweful. I push open the door from atop my friend and am about to enter when the ostrich turns its head to look at me and says.....
'Hey Karla stay out of my room!!'"
-Karla K.
Yes, a true Cantaloupe reader showing the sensicalness that makes the Cantaloupe what it is today.

Published Back in the Day

Before I leave you guys, just a note, because I forgot to advertise it more. My second book "Oops, My Pants Are On Fire" is now available for purchase. Basically the book is a collection of every single 2005 issue plus entertaining extras and new material. It costs $10. All you need to do is tell me and I'll get you one. Also if you purchase the first book as well I'll give you a deal for $15. Help me eat another meal. A band once said, "Rock stars need money, we can't live on bologna sandwiches." Well if rock stars can't do it, I can't either. So buy my merch.

Question Of The Week

I like asking random questions so feel free to answer this question. I fact I order you to."If you were at a concert featuring your all time favorite band and they dedicated a song to you, then proceeded to call you a 'repressed noodle-nose', what would your reaction be (and what would you do)?"

Trevor YVR Plett

(So doctors aren't the answer. I didn't need no doctor. I'm medicated without a permit. Remember when I told you koalas were fluffy and Fluffy was cool? Well I didn't lie, that's for sure. I may have accidentally capitalized the second word, but I didn't lie. I may have been sending somewhat hidden messages, but I wasn't assassinating the president of Cuba, Fidel Castro. I may have been wanting to dive into a pool of molten lava, but I must certainly wasn't acting immature.)