From Acorn To Oak

The Cantaloupe
The Making Of: From Acorn To Oak

For today's issue I decided I'd bring you closer to the process of creating the Cantaloupe. I figure a lot of you might have some false ideas about what the writing process does or does not include. Many of you have this idea in your head that once in a while all of sudden this random e-mail appears in your inbox. It might be from your imagination, you really don't have a clue how it came to be. Now in the past I've been highly secretive over my creative process. Very few people have seen any parts of writing. This will change however today in this breakthrough report.

Before Beginning

To get into the creative spirit, before each issue even begins I get a massage. This relaxes me and gets my brain ready to work. How did I get my very own masseuse? Well you see I opened up my own university. And I accept students that no other university will take. Just because these students are incredibly stupid doesn't mean I won't accept them. In fact it means I'm more likely to accept them. These students are precious people that nobody else in society would accept. Shame on all those who have exploited them. Well that's about to change. I mean just because these types of people think a piece of paper saying "Diploma" on it can be brought to a job interview doesn't mean we should condemn them. No, it is my goal to give them that piece of paper. So for a low, low price I have taken these lowly students into my university. One class I give is called, "Giving Me a Massage". Another class is called, "Get Me A Drink". Another class is called "Recognizing when a university you're attending is fake". I always get a kick out of teaching that last class. I mean these students may try and take higher education once I give them their piece of paper saying "Diploma", so that they won't get swindled. Anyways, where was I? Oh yeah, the massage. Well that massage is a real life saver. I'm glad to have it. Unfortunately I had to give a few students "F"s because they're simply not good enough! Take some massage courses before you apply for my university again!

Finding A Topic

Once I've sat down at a computer and began mercilessly typing away, I need a topic to write about. Sometimes you think of an event that has recently happened to you, like your trip to the dentist or a world event like the civic council. Well it isn't so much finding the topic that's the difficult thing, but writing substance that is hard. So often once I find a topic I immerse myself in it. For example, last November I wrote an article about Hungary and how they were telling us a message when the named their country. To write that article I read the encyclopedia article on Hungary. I flew to Hungary even and interviewed certain citizens so that every part would be authentic. Then finally so that I'd know how it felt to be hungry, I didn't eat for a month. During this period I noted my jealousy for the nation of Turkey increased 4%. So researching your topic thoroughly is valuable. I don't want to let the cat out of the bag here (and not just because he'll claw my leg), but for the last month I've been living in a monastery, unable to talk to anyone. I'm not even allowed to write messages to anyone. It's difficult, but I know that if I continue this for another few weeks, I'll have the material I know I need to write my next issue.

Looking Back

At some point during my issue, I may use some reader e-mails. I use a vigorous screening method to determine whether an e-mail I received is worthy to make it to the big time. The first thing I note about any e-mail I receive is whether or not the e-mail is a reply to the Cantaloupe or some other e-mail I sent. This is a highly important process for a number of reasons. First of all, what would someone think if they shared some deeply personal issue with me and I reprinted it without their permission. For example I received this e-mail from a friend recently...
"Hey,Look, I really need prayer right now. You see I've tried to give up smoking for a few months now and I was good for a while, but lately I smoked a pack. I really miss my dad. Mom just hasn't been the same since he died. The stress is getting to me. My brother told me the other day that he was gay, but he swore me to secrecy so don't tell anyone, okay? All this is swirling around me like I was a slurpee being stirred. I don't understand life anymore. Does God really exist? Why would he let all this happen to me? Oh yeah, my girlfriend says she's pregnant which I don't understand because I'm sure I've never slept with her..."
I'm going to cut it off about there. My friend Norman A. is going through some serious things. Now let's say I reprinted that e-mail during a Cantaloupe column. Let's just say I'd have one less friend, especially if I hadn't cut the last part where he tells about how he's been diagnosed with leprosy or how he's attracted to his cousin. So you see, I have to screen my e-mails at least a little bit. Nothing personal like that. As a matter of policy I usually reprint all the material that you provide me with. You see if I find a particular reader unfunny (say one whose name began with J) I can't just not print their mail, because they'll find out. So I just print it. I figure the more things I put in there by other people that aren't funny, the funnier I look by comparison.

The Finishing Touches

Once I've done all the law requires of me in regards to length of material and all, I need to find a way to close the e-mail. In the past, I have always used my name to do this. I like the reader to know that yes, Trevor YVR Plett wrote this rather than say Dan Rather. However I've always wondered if maybe I should do something different to close off my e-mails, like maybe instead of my name, I could put down my pant size or maybe my IQ. But then again, I like sticking with tradition. Some of you may have noticed from previous issues that I don't like using a spell checkers, so a lot of things I write don't make sends. This is a policy I keep so each one of my issues seems raw and unfinished. I know sometimes my lack editing means great ideas get botched or even left out. Like one issue I was going to say. I hate when I don't finish what I was

33 Waist 32 Leg

(Oh Yeah I haven't told you about the caption at the end yet. The caption is the part of the issue I can't ever let you find out how it's made. You see it involves lots of dark magic and cookies. Oh yes, lots of cookies. If you knew how I came up with these fine print tidbits you wouldn't want to look me in the eye. You most certainly wouldn't let your children anywhere near me. And I couldn't have that. I need your children. I mean....I love your children. I wish nothing but the best for your children. And I think I'll keep the story of the fine print to myself for the interest of)

Always Twirling Towards Freedom

The Cantaloupe

It's now time for issue 51, the lesser known issue that doesn't have all the fanfare of a milestone issue, but it's still good in it's own way. I mean for instance, I don't have to use 51 as a theme for everything I do in this issue like I did in the last one. I don't have to build a time machine and travel to the future to steal one of my future columns like I did for my last issue. Now that was pretty difficult, but I did it all for you, my readers. Because I like you. How much do I like you? Well let's just say I like you more than reading the newspaper, but not as much as ice cream.

Birds of a Feather always lose Feathers

There's something I simply must correct. There's one bird that has gotten this bum rep and I need to correct it. Okay so let's give an example to start this all off. Let's say you have a friend who's walking into a room and then they see an ominous paper clip, get scared and run away screaming. Now if they continually refuse to go back in that room, what bird would you compare them to? A mockingbird? A swallow? No. You'd compare them to a chicken. Now what have chickens ever done to make themselves synonymous with cowardice? To examine this further let's look at other commonly used expressions or sayings involving chickens. Well the first one I can think of is "What came first, the chicken or the egg?" This doesn't really provide us with any insight other than we all know the half-chicken-half-egg came first. Okay now we come to the other thing about chickens which is a joke told by kids at the youngest ages: "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Now let's imagine for a second that cars were ten times the size they are now. Would you be more or less likely to want to cross the street? Well that's what it's like for chicken. Cars don't stop for chickens. Cars don't swerve for chickens. Cars crush chickens. People eat chickens. Now I still don't understand what's so cowardly about risking one's life, but let's get to the joke's punch line: "To get to the other side". The only reason the bird is crossing the road is because it wants to get to the other side. Now even the most cowardly people on this earth can do things they are scared of if it's a life or death situation. So if the answer to the joke was "Because a 10 foot mechanical koala was breathing fire right behind it" then maybe you could still call a chicken a coward. But no, that's not the reason. The chicken simply is a risk-taker. It does it because it can. This picture of a chicken is highly contrary to what we have been taught. Chickens are not cowards. We must realize the power of our words. Words can hurt. So the next time you thinking of making little Betty cry by calling her a coward, stop and think. Who are you really making fun of? That's right, the chicken!

The Adventures of Little Betty

Little Betty was a misunderstood child. She had problems, but not for no reason. She was 10, and she had very few friends. She was constantly teased by the other children. It wasn't her fault she was afraid of crayons jumping out from under chairs. If you knew her story, you wouldn't be surprised she would avoid chairs and/or crayons at all costs. When she was five, a crayon truck drove by her house and hit a telephone post. Well five year olds are curious creatures and she investigated. Now comes the scary part. Suddenly a cougar came out of nowhere and gave her a great paw to the side. The girl of course was very hurt by this. Her family being very concerned with her went out to first make sure she was okay and then grab all the loose crayons they could that had spilled out of the truck. Now Little Betty when she got better lived in a house full of crayons. Eventually she got sick of crayons. Eventually sick turned into deathly afraid of. Eventually she mistook the word crayon for the word chair. Do you believe this rendition of the story? Do you really think that's why she's afraid of crayons and chairs? Well you'd better, because I'm not telling a different story.

Interregation Until You Relax

It seems to have rained a whole lot here in the last while. The local news was all about flooding this and flooding that. Of course the moral as always is simply to convert your current home into some sort of houseboat.

And Then "Poof"

As many of you may know, I'm disappearing in a few days and not reappearing until a little bit later. Yes, that good old camp stuff. I like the outdoors. There's nothing like waking up in the middle of the night and realizing there's no washroom in the same building as yourself. If any of you think girls pack a lot of stuff, you either need to change your definition of girls to include me, or perhaps just change your thought patterns, whichever is easier. So as I'm out shortly, I figured I'd give you reader e-mail.

"hey yvr!!! congrats on the 50th issue! i'm quite impressed!!! i remember when the cantaloupe was such a young thing. so new and vulnerable! my, it has certainly aged gracefully...well, in response to your above question, and after thinking long and hard about a decent answer- i began to think about the possibility of chewing gum being a way of generating power. think about it...how many people at one time chew gum? i would say MANY!!! so imagine all that jaw power! hook up some windmills and you're good to go!
God bless yvr and keep the cantaloupe alive!!!
bridget."
An ancient proverb once said, "The mouth is so powerful, there should be no need for a plow". Well I think we should plow the fields using only our mouths. It'd be fun to watch. Of course I wouldn't want to put oxen out of a job. I mean what else can you do with oxen

The Question Of The Summer

Who'd win in fight, the chicken or the egg? Why?
Just because I love you guys, I'll try and get another issue out in the next couple of weeks. I can't make any promises, but let's just cross our fingers and then jam them into a wall. That way you'll be thinking of the pain and forget all about me not putting out an issue in the longest of times.

Trevor YVR Plett

(The fine art of fine print originated with the Chinese. They used to put fine print on rice to warn against many things including dragons, floods, fires and malnutrition. However this was a problem considering rice is already very small. The art continued with the Norse. They used to put fine print on clubs so that those they smashed would know they'd be dead. But not until me, has fine print been used to its full capacities.)

50! Cantaloupe's Grey Hair Shows

The Cantaloupe 50th Issue Spectacular

It's the moment you've all been waiting for years. The 50th Year Anniversary of The Cantaloupe. No wait, not 50 years, but 50 issues...wait, what if this was the 50 year anniversary? It'd might look a little like this...

Cantaloupe Mush- June 10, 2054

After 50 years, you'd think this would get easier. However just like trying to get out of bed in the morning, it's difficult. But then again, with all my readers depending on me for life support I know I have to. I'd just like the thank the medical scientists once again for making Cantaloupe Mush into what respirators used to be. Now everyone in the hospital has to be reading this or else they die. It's a lot of responsibility on my part, but I'm glad it has been done. I always thought I could be a pharmaceutical expert one day, and I didn't even need a degree to do it. I'm perturbed (perturbed does mean happy nowadays doesn't it?) to have this as a vocation.

The Empire Turns Black

So I had the grandchildren over again. Now it's strange what they're teaching kids these days. I mean I know back in my day I did a lot of chest bumping or crazy greetings, but since when did picking your friend up and throwing him into a wall become the accepted form of greeting? Now I can understand a few things about this. I mean now that losing blood is no big deal, it's become a status symbol to have a gash in your forehead. I understand that part. I know myself that before going out on a formal occasion with the beautiful wife, I like to hit myself over the head with a sharp object. The red face IS cool. The problem I have with this is that you scuff up the walls. It's grievous and bogus. I like my walls looking their darndest and with the kids wearing steel wool pants, it just makes a mess. So the other day I tried to tell my twelve year old grandson Pinkinous Finbadhair this...here's how it went down:

Me: Pinkinous! Come here!
Pinkinous proceeds to come over, pick me up and toss me into the wall
Me: Oof. That's what I'm wanting to talk to you about. Do you really have to pick me up and throw me into the wall? It's Madness!
Pinkinous: Well my mother told me I wasn't allowed to like greet anyone by kicking them in the groin.
Me: Good for her, but isn't there any other greetings that you know of?
Pinkinous: No
Me: Well then, continue the wall thing

Memories, Memories and Maybe Some Twine

The last 50 years have really been something. I don't think there has been a single era of human history as abstract or complex as the last 50 years. I'll highlight a couple things. First of all the rise of Prussia to world power again has been remarkable. With all of our modern weaponry I never would've guessed someone would conquer great chunks of the world again, but the current Prussian Empire is now the biggest in world history. But you know all this. And to think they did it using turtles. TURTLES! If I had known how to do that 50 years earlier I certainly would have tried to do it. I mean think of all the calamities I would have prevented. I think too many restaurants serve sauerkraut mixed with chromatin now.

To Reciprocate Is The Essence of Wetness

Remember when people used to retire around 60-65ish? Well sadly those days are gone. When the Prussians came and conquered our coniferous land, they took all of our retirement savings. Now we're mere slaves. Luckily when we ran out of fossil fuels they needed alternative energy sources. Both involve manual labour. One involves people running around in a giant wheel like mice. I know a couple of my old friends who do that. They hate it. Lucky for me, I got the part where I jump on a trampoline 10 hours a day to generate power. Now back when I was a kid none of the 70 somethings did backflips on trampoline. So I finally taught myself to do one and I showed somebody thinking I was all that and what does he do? A double backflip! Craziness I tells you! So let me tell you it's hard for someone my age to train yourself to do anything, but finally after a year of training where I broke my hip 80 times (Good thing broken hips only take 5 seconds to heal with the proper medication), I completed a double backflip. Well what does dude do? A triple backflip! Well I was thinking maybe this guy's just a loaf, so I find an enderly lady and I show her the double backflip. Well she does a backflip barrel roll combo! It seems I'm just an immobile old grampa. So once again like always I go home and drown my sorrows with a Darth Dew.

Question of the Week

If there were to be a better way of generating power other than jumping on a trampoline, what would it be?

Well that's the first 50 years. Soon the next 50. With the way people are living today, it's highly probable.

Trevor YVR Plett Sr. Sr

....That's What It'd Look Like

I'm going to be like that when I'm 71! Gosh! I couldn't ask for a better future. Now here's the part of the newsletter where I take a page from CD's and thank people

Trevor Thanks

Everyone who subcribes to the Cantaloupe, but more so the people who don't because without them I'd never get any new readership. The pope because he's got a cool hat. Pigs, because they give me bacons and I love my bacons. Verdin, because it's a word I've yet to ever use until now. Finally Jesus Christ, because without him I wouldn't have clean underwear.(Should I explain how? You see God invented water and without water you can have no clean underwear. The system works)
Oh by the way, I've now used all 23 words I've been given to say more often. To see my readership and the list of words, I'm attaching an attachment, because if I didn't attach my attachment it'd simply be a ment and we all know how I feel about ments now don't we?
Secondly before I go on to issue 51, I've also attached a quiz about me and the Cantaloupe. If you feel the urge to waste time do it. Send me your answers and I'll mark them and send them back. After two weeks, whoever got the highest score I will give a FREE BOOK! My book! If you've already bought a book you can always get two. Just in case you wish to eat one or something. Or just give it away.
Thirdly, This will be my final issue. Goodnight

Trevor YVR Plett

(Oh by the way, that last statement was a lie. If any of you ask, "You're really done" I'll know you didn't read this. I'll never quit. I'll never give up until the whole world is conquered. I'm going to release at least another 10000 issues in the course of my life. C'mon, you can't stop me. You couldn't even stop a freight train at full speed now could you? I thought so.)