In The Interest of My Waistline

The Cantaloupe

So I'm back from a busy weekend in the Caronport, SK. It was a good weekend. One of those events that make you sad when you come home. One of those events that makes you want to wear a seat belt because if you're not for even the shortest period of time you might end up squished and on the floor with somebody else on top of you. Although I suppose that's a positive thing. Either way, such times are prime times for comedy, so there is the potential that I could be on the top of my game. That would be great. I'd always love to be in my prime.

Based On A True Story

The following event happened to me today at around 7:40 p.m. Me and my friend Dan had just turned onto 52nd Street coming back towards my house when we stopped at a red light. It was fairly normal. There was about one car in front of me and two i think behind me. Suddenly I see an SUV pull into the left turn lane with it's flashers on. It's a ghost car. I think, "Maybe I should move over or something". That's when the SUV stopped and I noticed in my rear view mirror more flashing lights. Suddenly the door of the police SUV opens and a cop jumps out. Now he isn't like a normal cop leisurely walking. He's got business. I glance ahead. The light is green. I note at least three cop cars have surrounded the car two cars behind. This is when I drive off.
Now let's backtrack. I think the moment when the cop got out of his vehicle was very scary. I knew I hadn't done anything, but still...the way that cop was walking would scare anyone. Secondly, it was tempting to sit in my car and watch what was going to happen, but the thought came into my head that I didn't wish to get shot. Thirdly, after driving off I realized that if I had been 5 seconds slower driving, I would have been caught behind the ruckus and the police had blocked off all three lanes of traffic.
So what's the moral of this story? Well to get that I need to get back to the basic elements of the story. The first and foremost point in my mind is when you live in North East Calgary, you get what you deserve. Let's look at this logically. If you were innocent you'd most likely be in the South West. If the city really wanted to crack down on crime, they'd round up everyone in my side of town and imprison us. It'd be okay. It'd provide conversations such as the following...
Policeman knocks on door, door answered by old lady
Old Lady- Hello
Policeman- Lady, I sorry, but I have to put you under arrest
Old Lady- But why? What have I done?
Policeman- What have you done?! You know. You're just like the rest of these people. Oh we're all innocent. Only guilty people say they're innocent.
Old Lady- I haven't been able to leave this house for days, because of my chronic hip problem, what could I possibly have done
Policeman- Hip problem, eh? No doubt injured in a gang-related confrontation. Do we need any more evidence?
Second Policeman Who I Haven't Mentioned Until Now- Nope
Policeman grab lady and arrest her.Would that be the end? No...there's more.
Lady is in prison cell with tough looking-tattoo boy
Old Lady- And this picture is of my thirteenth grandson, Willfred.
Convict- Really? Tell me about when you were younger!
Old Lady- When I was a girl we lived on the farm. Those were the good old days.
Convict- I'll bet. Can you take me there when we're out of here in around 10 years.
Old Lady- Sure
Convict and Old Lady hug. It's a touching moment to end a piece of wacked out writings.

Saskatchewan ain't so bad

Well over the weekend me and some cool people were in that province and we had a great time as well. I think I may have mentioned this before. Now the food was okay. I mean the first night they had pizza. That was good, except well I didn't get any. Luckily the next day they had pizza again for lunch so I could have some. And then again for supper, oh yeah and lunch and supper the next day too. Well maybe they knew something I didn't. Maybe the world's pizza supplies have *gasp* COME TO AN END! I mean if there was only a limited amount of pizza left you'd quickly get your hands on it, so others didn't make it first. Maybe they were trying to treat us with the last pizza we would ever have. So I'm sorry folks, but pizza is gone forever.

R.I.P. PIZZA
Sometime-2005
You lived a life to its fullest
Life was tragically taken from you
I think the thing I'll miss most is the toppings
Putting them on ice cream simply isn't the same
You had a zest for sauce
And I never ate a slice of you on top of a steamroller

Dipping Into The Mailbag

Now would be a good time to post some comments from our viewers. The question is:
"If you were being attacked in a dark alley by man in a wheelchair holding a crocodile, what would you defend yourself with?"

"If I were attacked in a dark alley by a man in a wheelchair holding a crocodile, I'd probably defend myself with a woman on a tricycle holding Steve Irwin."-Chris V.
"That's a good questions Sandy. I'd defend myself with a little man I know called Steve Irwin. Nuff said."-Dave H.
"I'd tare the crocidile Hunter guy,(you know the one off of t .v?) our of my pocket. He'd use his mad crocidile conquering skills! You know, throw a mouth closer on it, then a double flatter, and then for the grand finale...... KNOCK IT OUT!!! Drag it to the dumpster, and chuck it in!! MWWAAA HA HA HA!! SWEET VICTORY!!! KATE AND CROCIDILE HUNTER HAVE yet, AGAIN SAVED THE DAY!!!! YES........."-Kate V.K.
So apparantly Steve Irwin is a popular way to fight crocodiles. But you realize that with the power of CGI today, that he's probably never actually fought one. I mean I hear he's incredibly afraid of real crocodiles. I've heard that once a beetle crawled on him and he died of fright. But he's good now. That's the power of CGI. It can make anyone look good.

"If I was attacked by a guy in a wheel chair with an alligator. I would defend myself with guards weasels named feehdey and montunafish. Then I would go on the attack and push the guy out of the chair, only to find that he could walk. Then we would instantly break off into a dance off that would end with him winning. While he celibrated he fantastic victory I would sneak up to him and give him the worsed tity twister possible. Then quickly kick him in the shin and run away."-Gordie H.
I agree. Dance offs should be mandatory in all duels.

"A: my simple answer is this: I whip out both my hands to the sides, baring my claws, (now around a full centimer in length) and rais them in from of me, than I drop to my knees as the crocodile (which was thrown at me) whips just over head as my claws cut from the start of his jaw until i hearch the tip of his tail, as his internal ordans than fall out, i gather them up al9ong with his skin (which i rip off his skeleton) and find my black market dealer upon whom i unload all these prophit making items. Than I find the man in the wheel chair and mail him the skeleton of the croodile one bone at a time, until all the skelton is gone, or than man has a heart attack, from seeing the scary words and drawings i've carved on his recently dead pet's bones. And that's in short what I would do."-Mike W.
Wow. Someone is a little violent. I'm sorry to all of you with little children that you stole from others. Either way, apparantly crocodile skin makes prophets.
Dirty man with beard, only wearing crocodile skin- The end of near! They are coming from the east! Yes, animal activists will destroy me! I see my end.

"Considering the facy this person is in a wheelchair i may hesitate to totally whip his butt. Considering the fact that he would be sitting down. I would stop the fight go rent a wheel chair myself and then we could "wheel" at each other at top speed (kinda like chicken or jousting). Of course he was armed with a crocodile. Even then though it would be a fair fight. (AFTER all i do know some Girl-Kwan-Do)"-Karla K.
I've always wondered why I couldn't master Girl-Kwan-Do. It's because I'm not in a wheelchair. Makes sense now.Either way, for those of you who haven't yet replied for the 50TH issue question, you still have time. Here's what you need to put down...
Name-
Where Are You From-
Age (Optional)-
Pick ONE word that describes both The Cantaloupe and Yourself
Pick TWO words that need to be used more often in Cantaloupe issues

Wow! That's pretty long. And I still conserved some top notch material. Shows doesn't it? Next issue is coming. Shortly! In the next month at least. Be ready for it will blow your minds and you won't know what your life was without it!

Trevor YVR Plett

(Regarding the time I got court marshalled, it was only because I tried to shoot my commanding officer. I mean he certainly deserved it. He told me to stand at attention. Now what would be so bad about saying please? Huh?? Well maybe that shot of warning would teach him a lesson. But the court wouldn't hear any of that. Oh well. I'll teach them algebra.)

Shyguys On The Roof

The Cantaloupe

The Cantaloupe would like to wish all of your mother's a happy Mother's Day as that happened sometime this last weekend. So you can tell your mom that I said that. In fact I hope most of you tell your moms that.
Reader A- "Trevor Says, 'Happy Mother's Day'.
Mother of Reader A- Really? How Sweet!
Mother of Reader A- Wait...who's Trevor?
Reader A- You don't even know your own children!! My brother and your son Trevor.
That way, your mom will feel guilty and think that she forgot she had a son named Trevor. Then you can comfort her by telling her, "at least you remember your most important child, me". That way, she'll develop a good happy feeling again. Now some of your mother's might be a little skeptical about having a child named Trevor. They may say, "you're just joking" or "I think I know who my children are". In such an event just tell your mother that Trevor is your long lost twin brother that the doctors hid. That way your mother will get really excited that she has another child. And isn't that the greatest gift a mother can have? A child? She'd thank you forever for that. Unless of course, she finds out that she doesn't actually have a child named Trevor which is unlikely...unless...she never meets her son Trevor. Which is likely. But if any of you actually want to go through with this plan, MY name is Trevor. Thus I could pretend to be your mother's long lost son. It'd be fun. The point of Mother's Day is to celebrate your mother and this way I could have two of them. They always say, two heads are better than one and two mothers have two heads. You know what else two mothers have? Two wallets if you know what I mean. Unless of course they're Siamese twins and they only carry one wallet between them.

Your Momma's So Phat

At the moment my house is noisy. Apparantly there's little kids in it or something. Now I don't know what it is about kids, but they such make an unproportional amount of emitted sound for the size of their body. One of the signs of aging it appears is how loud you are. As you get older, you get quieter. Name me one senior citizen that is louder now than they were 20 years ago. Maybe there's something in the process of aging that is like a remote control turning down the volume. OR maybe aging is actually CAUSED by the volume reduction. I think I should provide this commercial for public television.
Some B celebrity comes on TV. Says, "Hello my name is _____. You may remember me from such shows as ______ or _______. Back when I used to be popular, I tried everything to prevent myself from getting older. I went to doctors. I used Oil of Olay. I bathed in molton bronze. Nothing seemed to work. Luckily for me, I came across a secret hidden in a booby trap infested temple. It was the fountain of life. It wasn't a real fountain. It was advice. It told me to scream every 5 minutes or so. And oh yeah, talk really loud. So if you were wondering why I've been practically shouting everything I've said, that's the reason. Now I don't age a second. Which gives me an eternity to spend rehashing the good old days and living in a dumpster. Please send me money to... (Cut to "The More You Know" public service ending)

Discussion of the More Serious Variety

Today I have decided to be serious if I may on the next issue. The world is not always a happy place. There are breakups, death, food poisoning, missing elbows and other various problems facing billions of society members. In fact most people are facing some sort of problem. Many have stress problems. Many have family problems. Many have health problems. Still others have problems with that creepy neighbour who likes to walk around his house without clothes on. These are legitimate problems that I would like to deal with today. That's why I'm here to help?
QUESTION- How can I possibly help everyone? I mean I don't KNOW everyone and it's not like strangers are going to tell me what their problem is anyways. What can I do?
Well "QUESTION", the answer to that is remarkably complex. First of all, you need to diagram the amount of different problems a person can have. You start broad with 4 or 5 categories and then you turn things way more specific. I did this a few days ago and I found over 12 billion different problems that can affect your average person. If you can memorize those 12 billion problems then you can simply figure out by obscure facial expressions which one it is. However if you're like me, you don't have an IQ any higher than about 140. Such people as us cannot possibly fill their brains with so much information. So instead of memorizing these things I had them made into card form. Thus I can hand out cards to people that will make them feel better. For example- "I'm sorry your dad hates you. If it makes you feel any better, he hates me too". The other day I was walking down the street and I saw a guy waiting for the bus. He looked kinda down so I sat down beside him and pulled out my large stack of cards. I asked him this simple question: "Did you recently get into a fight with your wife over wall painting colours?" He said, "No". I was surprised. I had been certain that was it. I asked again, "Did you recently contract an incredibly rare form of toe fungus that until two days ago, was only ever found in poisonous frogs?" He at this point gave me this really weird look. As if he was thinking, "how did he know?" But then he decided to walk away quickly without thanking me. I didn't even give him the card. It had a really cute picture of a frog with a toe fungus.
QUESTION- Now that I've heard the story, what should I do? Make cards? That seems like a difficult task."
QUESTION" you ask way too much. Now you COULD make cards with 12 billion different obstacles, but that's a tad too many for your ordinary person to wheel around. So instead just focus on a few things that you think are important. Perhaps there are two things that you care passionately about stopping. Maybe one is people who are poor and starving. Maybe the other is people who are about to fly a rocket to the moon and haven't learned how to safely land on Earth yet. So you carry two sets of cards around. One contains money for food, the other contains direction about how to land spacecraft. Now you better get good at identifying these things, because they often can get confusing. If you go to Africa and see this kid and you recognize him from World Vision ads, you need to know which of the two problems he suffers from. The correct answer of course is both. He needs food, but he also needs landing lessons. I mean food in the short term is good, but how does he keep getting food? That's right! Landing spacecraft is a good way to earn money for food.

It's Almost Here

I got a few replies to my last query (from the usual suspects), but I'm holding those out until my next issue. Either way, for those of you who have been regular receivers of this column for over a year, you may realize you have gotten a lot of them. In fact one of those (last September) was my 25th issue spectacular. Well I've read back and that may have been the lamest issue I put out. So yeah, we're all of two issues away from my 50th issue. 50 is an important number. So I feel as if it is time to celebrate. It would mean a lot to me if many people replied as they have abilities to. So here's what I'd like you to answer

Name-
Where Are You From-
Age (Optional)-
Pick ONE word that describes both The Cantaloupe and Yourself
Pick TWO words that need to be used more often in Cantaloupe issues

That's all I ask. It won't take long trust me. But then again you could take long to do everything. In which case you're like me when I've been without sleep for days. Anyways, it's time I hung up my skates and cleared out my chimney. Salutations.

Trevor YVR Plett

(Sauerkraut Eat A Lotta Eat A Lotta Eat A Lotta Sauerkraut Oh No No No Not More Sauerkraut Stick Some In Your Mouth And Spit It On The Floor. Run To The Bathroom And Puke Out Some More Silly German Folks Eat Sauerkraut For Breakfast. Has anyone ever told you camp songs rock? Because they do, especially when they're based off real events by people you know. I could of course make up one of those right now and maybe I will. Maybe I will)

CNN- National Bickering

Romania, Bulgaria nice to each other in person, talk smack behind backs

Last Updated Mon, 25 Apr 2005 17:35:37 EDT
Cantaloupe News Network News

LUXEMBOURG - Romania and Bulgaria on Monday signed conditional agreements in Luxembourg to join the European Union in 2007.

INDEPTH: European Union
Soviet Union
Peeling an Onion

When the two Balkan states' are in the same room they have nothing but good things to say about each other. At the press conference announcing this occasion, Romania said this about Bulgaria: "She is our neighbour and our friend. I'm glad to enter such an illustrious club with her". "Romania has many skills," Bulgaria replied, "he's good at carving these sweet wooden swords ."
However, the two countries say very different things when the other is not around, the EU has noticed. "Last night after the announcement Bulgaria and I went out to party," said Portugal, "It was unbelievable how much one country could talk about the other. I'd try and talk about sports or something and she'd just bring it right back to how much she hates Romania! If I didn't know better, I'd say they have some sort of weird crush going on." Similar stories about Romania exist. "I'm not certain who hates the other more, Romania or Bulgaria," noted Russia, "I mean they both dump all this crap on me. I'm not certain I really want to be friends with either of them. Romania just whines to me all the time. 'Bulgaria is so stuck up', 'Bulgaria thinks about nothing but herself', 'Bulgaria annoys me so much'. Get over it! There's more to life than how much you hate Bulgaria!"
There are still a number of issues that need to be addressed before either country can join this elite group of friends. Romania must straighten up and develop some real interests, stop being so weird, and hopefully become better at telling jokes. Romania also has to host the yearly group barbeque and it "better be the best one ever", according to EU demands. Their failure to do so could trigger a one-year delay in their entry.
Bulgaria, meanwhile, is expected to have no problem entering, because she's a good-looking female. However other female countries in the group have been pressing hard to include a "Zero Tolance on Prima Donna" Clause. "Bulgaria is cool, but she can be a selfish and arrogant at times," said Finland, "I think we need to tell her these things before she joins our group of friends".
Both countries have said they would work hard to achieve membership in 2007, but were skeptical on the other's chances. "Romania's like soooo a loser. All he does is play Dungeons and Dragons or something. Like computers are cool and all, but I don't need to know the language, thank you". Romania countered by saying, "I think Bulgaria is going to make a lot of enemies in Europe. She's good-looking, that's for sure, but she thinks she can make other people do everything for her. It's not going to happen".
According to sources, other countries just wish the two could get along. "You're hanging out, having a good time and then one of them walks in and the other gives them this look. The tension in the room triples and instead of everyone having a good time, everyone's wondering if they'll fight or something. I mean everyone knows. Why do they keep pretending to like each other? I mean just talk it out and maybe you'll start liking each other", ranted Austria.
In 2004 the EU welcomed 10 new member states from central, east and southeast Europe, including Poland, the Czech Republic and Cyprus. This addressed the need for a shy member, a skater and a party animal.
On Tuesday, the EU will consider again weigh Croatia's demand to join in 2007. Much hinges on how well Croatia has got over her former boyfriend Serbia & Montenegro. Sources say Croatia has done fantastically in stopping the pouting and is ready to "get back out there", but time will tell.
And in October, the EU is to open entry talks with Turkey, provided Turkey promises to give all members a ride in Turkey's sweet ride, a convertable. "It's a big motivation to letting Turkey join. That is a great car. I think we'll all a little jealous" remarked Italy.
Among the most fervent pro-European countries there are fears that enlarging the EU will cause current members to become unnoticed. These countries say that adding a member such a Turkey just because they have a great car will cause current members like the Czech Republic to go unnoticed.
"The Czech Republic is already so shy," said England, "Turkey is a hot rod nation. Not just the car but also attitude. It screams 'Get it Now!' I don't know whether we need any more of that. We already have Spain. Personally I'd say if we are to add anymore members we need to get somebody who likes to cook. I'm thinking maybe, China. I know they're a little different, but I think it's time we stopped adding members to the EU based on whether they're geographically in Europe. We should include everyone."
When asked about these comments, England backtracked a little, "I didn't mean everyone. If I meant everyone, we'd have to include loser countries like Panama or Estonia in. Who wants that?"
"I'd much rather have Estonia in than Romania that's for darn sure" replied Bulgaria.

We're sorry to interrupt this special news bulletin for your regularily scheduled programming

The Cantaloupe

I'm going to keep my "actual" column fairly short this week. I think I'm going to dip into the mailbag from last week, because I can't let my readers down in such a manner can I? Maybe it'd be best if I didn't ask that question. Now without further adieu, I present to you letters actually sent by readers without "any editing". No, I did not "change what is said in any way, shape, or form". Am I telling the truth? Yes, I am. I have not added or subtracted any words.

Max' Sacks Full of Tacks Sacking Jack Black

First of all I asked readers last week to comment on bunnies. Here's the reply I got. Note- it's really strange.

"Do I like bunnies? I LOVEM BUNNIES!!! I do! Who in their right mind would not? When I was younger, my sister had them on my shelf, on top of pictures, under my fridge bed. Are there people out there in that thar world that are afraid of a bunny named Ebby,(short for ebineezer. You know like ebineezer scrooge from christmas?) Well, he was a tempered little wipper snapper such as depicted in Monty Python and the Holy Grail. The Bunny was black from head to toe, including his eyes. Well of course I enjoyed chasing him around a creepy and mysterious cave ,(wait, or was it him chasing me...??) Talk about chasing. Now here's the great part of the story. I like the way they squish when I squeeze them with my fingers and the way they feel when I bite them with my real teeth. So soft and sweet! One day, Ebby got SUPER HUGE and REALLY SICK, like he was going to talk about jolly rancher gummy bunnies. Oh, I just thought...you aren't Ok? Then he died. At the time, we lived. Do I like Castor? Of course I like CASTOR-RAIDERS!!!! So we digged a hole, and put poor ebby in and covered him with dirt. I had a shoe box maybe. How can you not like them? I find them they're everywhere! I suppose if there were bunnies in the MASSIVE gardens, then yes, I too would be afraid of the bunny. But I think such bunnies are those that guard jolly rancher gummy bunnies. I love going to heritage ranch and blowing up the bunnies. Especially the one that came this year and left eggs and gummy bunnies all over my house. It's alot of fun. They're so adorable.Bunnies? The bunnies likes bunnies and like the bunnies' bunnies too!"-Kate V + Amanda V + Dave H

And I also got various other comments
"Dear Senior Editor of the Cantaloupe, Your newsletter is by far the best newsletter ever written. It's at the top of my email charts along with Kraft Kitchens Food Tips and the Nintendo Insider. However, I must say that I never once signed up for anything that would have given you permission to add me to the subscription list. However, I do like the newsletter! However, I hope I do not wind up paying for this subscription that I didn't pay for. However, keep up the good work!"-Chris V
Well you see Chris, the inner workings at the Cantaloupe are deep and dark indeed. I cannot tell you how terrible the are, but they are terrible. If people knew the long term effects of receiving the Cantaloupe were, they would never sign up. Unfortunately they don't know these effects. And they never will until they read this entire paragraph. The hidden costs of being a subscriber are astronomical. I have programmed into each edition of the Cantaloupe a very special invisible ray that shoots out of the computer, and removes the colouring from your internal organs. If you were to rip your liver out right now it'd be as white as snow! Then I sell organ colour on the black market. It's surpisingly popular. Nobody that knew that I was doing this to them would agree to subscribe. Even now that they do know, it's not like they subscribed in the first place. I just added them.

On the topic of girls and what they wear:
"on average girls change there cloths about ten times in the morning and then end up wearing exactly what they had intended not to wear! or at least thats me.
Clothes also depend on other factors such as:
"Have i shaved my legs recently?"
"Does this make me look fat?"
"Do I have class with that cute guy?"
"Am i going anywhere after school?"
" Will my parents notice and make me go change?"
" Will my sister notice that i borrowed this?" "-Karla K.
That's strange, because I actually ask myself exactly the same questions when I get up in the morning. Unfortunately I no longer have a sister living at home to steal clothes off. The fat question seems to be asked less often because it's obvious no matter what I wear that I'll still be fat. I do want to know what I'm doing after school as well, because for instance if I'm going to the fat rendering plant I might consider wearing a pair of really snazzy pants. You have to look great, just in case there's a hot fat rendering girl there. My parents are often very helpful when I'm wearing something I shouldn't. Just the other day they noticed I had accidentally put a knife on my foot instead of a sock! That could have been painful! The first question might go like this...
"I didn't lose any bets recently did I? Oh good, I CAN wear shorts!"
As for the cute guy, you see a very important thing to learn is that cute guys attract girls. If you're a raccoon trying to catch a moth to eat, you should hang around the light, because moths are attracted to light. In the same way, if you are friends with the cute guy, you can also get the girl. Thus dress to impress the cute guy. It goes without saying. Or maybe it doesn't. But yeah that's the readers.

And Just So I Don't Get Sued

I lied about not editing that letter. But I didn't lie about not added or subtracting words. Of course, now none of you will send me any responses for fear that I'll destroy what you really wanted to say by completely changing it. In that spirit, here's the question for this week.
"If you were being attacked in a dark alley by man in a wheelchair holding a crocodile, what would you defend yourself with?"

Trevor YVR Plett

(I can't wait until I've offended absolutely every person on earth. That'd be so cool except no it wouldn't. I mean it'd be great to be notorious, but even those people are loved by some. To be universally hated by all would not be a pleasant experience. Not that I'd know because EVERYBODY loves me. Chicks love roosters, geese love ganders, everyone else loves Ned Flanders. See there. Copyright infringement. That's the thing that will offend all the people who've created the shows that I love so dearly. And the books. So and So forth.)