The First Issue Ever

The Cantaloupe

You know how in title it calls this the first issue ever? Well it's close enough right? 40 some issues off ain't bad right?

Contrary to Principle 55

Have you ever noticed that it's hot outside? But very nice nonetheless.To open today's column I'd like to correct a very popular misunderstanding. One thing that people always say about teenagers (especially girls) is how they're dressed. Supposedly they don't wear much. They apparantly show off a lot. Well today (April 20) in Calgary it hit (wait, let me check) 19. That's warm. I was (and still am) wearing a t-shirt and shorts. I'd say to be comfortable today, you had to be wearing shorts to be outside and if you weren't doing so, you had to at least wear a t-shirt. Now for this theory that girls wear too little to be true, on a day like today they would have to be wearing less than what I was. In fact, what I think is ridiculous is how many girls I saw wearing hoodies! Maybe I don't understand girls, but I knew for men at least, you wear less clothing when it's outrageously warm. You'd think that if girls just really wanted to show things off they'd use a day like this as their oppertunity. Speaking of showing I think it's a shame that we don't have show-and-tell anymore. I mean it'd be great. One of these theoretical girls could walk to the front of the class and say, "You all know what I'm showing off today. I got this when I was merely an embryo." Well that's of course if such a thing was the case. No the problem with our society is exactly the opposite. Girls clearly have some sort of heating difficiency in their body. I don't know how to solve this problem. If we let this go unchecked, it's going to be summertime, where the newest style is large fur coats! After that maybe girls will walk around in 30 degree weather with heavy blankets wrapped around them. I've said for ages, that if you're a guy, you have no hope of understanding woman and I suppose this is one of those days.

The Last Slice of Casserole Pudding

Yesterday I was talking with some people and we came up with an ingenious idea. Well for some reason I was trying to convince my friend Shanon to assassinate someone for me. Well I asked how much she'd charge and it was far too much. So I wondered this: Can you get a dollar-store assassin? If you could, what would they look like? Well a good assassin likely will not get seen. Therefore a bad assassin will make his intentions clear to everyone. So basically we figured that a dollar store assassin would basically just walk towards the person with a crazy look on their face and a drawn knife. If the person walked or ran away they wouldn't be killed, but if they walked into the extended knife...well too bad for them.

The Third and Final Paragraph Ever

Today's quote of the day is this: "If at first you don't succeed, then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it" -W.C Fields
I like this quote because if provides a much different perspective then the popular "If at first you don't succeed, try again". I mean if we applied the more popular proverb to our lives, where would we be? What would our society be like if this motto ruled our lives?
Titanic maker- So our unsinkable ship sank, huh?
Titanic maker's friend- I suppose. You're not going to give up are you?
TM- Of course not. I can't give up now. I must build the unsinkable ship.
TMF- Good for you. Then what?
TM- Then we find that iceberg and show it who's the boss! We sail the ship directly for the middle of the ice. I must succeed in preventing this ship from sinking.
And that's the way I think history should go down. I mean you're supposed to learn from your mistakes, but you're also supposed to try again if you've failed. What if your mistake was trying in the first place?

Question of the Week

Do you like bunnies? Why or why not? (Note responses to questions IS encouraged)Well apparantly I'm now done school and we'll soon enter the crazy month of May. So now my time is awesome. So yeah, Trevor needs entertainment. Provide him with some. I'll talk to each and every one of you by telegram within the week. Goodnight.

Trevor YVR Plett

(An ancient Chinese proverb once said, "It is only those who grow the rice that get to pluck it". This saying is the most true statement ever in the universe. I mean if you don't grow, you don't pluck. That's obvious. Plucking is the greatest time one could have in ancient China. I tried it once myself. It's a bundle of ancient fun. I can't imagine not having plucked rice before. It changed my life man!)

How To Be Popular

The Cantaloupe

Another week, another newsletter. The popularity of the Cantaloupe at an all-time high. The word keeps spreading and more and more people are signed up. Now most of you think these are good things, but the higher you are, the farther you've got to fall. It's scary. I mean I could offend half of you people today and you'd all block me. Then where we I be? Probably at home, that's where! Either way, I welcome you to another issue of mind-altering literature.

A True Story

This last Thursday I had an experience. Me and two other friends randomly decided to visit Drumheller leaving here at like 9:30 pm. To make a long and entertaining story much shorter we after driving around town said, "Let's go drive through downtown." Well in Drumheller, downtown consists of one really short street. But to make things a whole lot cooler we all rolled our windows down and blasted some sort of strange folk music that was on the radio. Either way there was a group of teenagers of the sidewalk and we drove past them and they looked at us funny. Good times. Then we did it again. But that's all just the introduction of what I'm really trying to get at.
On the way home, my friend Lauren came up with an idea that I really like. Instead of trying to make a name for yourself in the city being cool, you should go randomly hang out in little towns until everyone there knows your name. And also they know that you're the coolest person in town. I mean I don't know a lot about small towns, but I know that I'd pretty much be the coolest person if I went to most of them. I'm not certain I can say that in Calgary. Well I figure this should become the newest wave in being cool. You should pick some random town that's small and go hang out there until you're the coolest person. Then you can get all the kids there to walk, talk, dress and act like you. Maybe eventually you can rename the town. Think how much more popular Beiseker would be if it were Trevoreker. And once you stick Beiseker or Trevoreker on the map, all the small towns will want you to come hang out in their towns. You'll get offers from all these little places and you won't know what to do. Except make more demands. For example tell the mayor of Trochu that you won't come and visit his town unless he paints all the buildings in his town bright yellow. Now since city folk rarely visit small towns, I'm sure they'd be more than delighted to do it. And once Trochu is the tourist capital of the world, they'll thank me. If only Bassano were so lucky.

Since I'm doing public service...

Some of you think the above paragraph may be a little bit unrealistic. I don't understand why. You don't think small town folk are that desperate to be noticed? Well, perhaps they are and perhaps they aren't. It's not like I spend enough time with small town folk to care. By the way, I'm now going to be plastered with angry mail from small town residents. Which would be really cool if they literally plastered angry mail to me. Where am I going with this? Oh yeah, since the small town thing is a little sketchy, let's find more ways to become popular.
Popularity is a fickle thing. It can come in an instant and leave just as fast. I think the best way to become cool yourself is to be associated with cool people. The problem with this is that if you yourself are not popular, the popular people won't associate with you. So what you need to do is make your current friends popular! That way you don't have to worry about how to make yourself popular. It's a foolproof plan. And that's how you become popular by association.
(Wait...let's backtrack for a second...now you say you can't figure out how to make your friends popular if you don't how to make yourself popular...really?...why not?...oh yeah, I did leave out that information now didn't I?...How silly of me...Well I certainly won't make that mistake again)

The Update- Yerov Style

It's been a while since we talked with my awesome friend, Yerov the hard-working Russian farmer so I think we should ask him how to be popular. I hear back before his wife went into labour 24 times, she was quite a catch. So that means Yerov must've been pretty popular right? So here we have it. An exclusive interview with Yerov.
The Cantaloupe- Yerov, how's it going?
Yerov- What do you want? I don't have all day.
The C- Always to the point, eh? I wanted to hear about how you got to be popular when I was younger.
Yerov- Popularity, eh? What did that ever get me? You see back before I met Yerovva, I actually attempted to be an actor. Well when I spent every cent I had to get overseas I actually ended up in this place called Hollywood. "This isn't where I paid to go" I said, "I wanted to go to Topeka, Kansas!" Well that's when somebody told me Hollywood had a fairly substantial film industry as well. I had no money left, so I had to try it.
The C- There's actually a film industry in Kansas?
Yerov- You haven't heard of it? They make the greatest movies. Ever seen "Dusty Plains"?
The C- No
Yerov- For shame, either way, these Hollywood people said I didn't look the part. I was too "homely". I had never heard of such a thing. In Russia, nobody can get a part in a movie unless they ARE homely.
The C- Well what happened then?
Yerov- Well the government got involved and accused me of being a Cold War spy. I can see where they were coming from. A Russian comes over looking like I do, during the late 60's and of course they'll think I'm spying. They were only really accusing me of doing that because I was anyways.
The C- You were a spy?
Yerov- I think so. It's tough to remember after all these years of back-breaking labour.
The C- How'd this story end?
Yerov- Well the U.S government just like Hollywood couldn't accept people who weren't "good-looking" so they sent me back to Russia. That's when I met Yerovva, had twenty-seven kids and worked on my farm ever since. And to think, I wanted to be an actor. What life would that have given me? My hair would be smooth and shiny, that ain't the life for me.
The C- So, you weren't really ever popular were you?
Yerov- No, popularity is for little girls.

Question of the Week

Hey, look I actually have a question of the week this week and I'm hoping maybe at some point to have a mailbag within 2005. And here it is. Note-I'm not going to phrase this in the form of a question. Sorry Alex Trebek.
"I want you to tell me the story of a young bucket of ice cream named Vanillerd and his block of cheese friend Chedd as they make their way from cow to store. What do you think might happen to them along the way? You can give a small story or conversation. Whatever."
Oops, I used a question in there.

Having A Ball To Smack Around

I think we've learned today that popularity is not a fish you can catch unless you have some sort of fancy technology. So until you have that, don't try. In other news, I've written a fairly lengthy attachment to this e-mail that may be the most personal one to date. It's 100 Things I Like. If you want to read it good. Also a reminder that I still have books and if you want to buy one, ask me about it. Until next week, have a great today and a great deal of pain.

Trevor YVR Plett

(I, I like my pantalons. They fit me oh so tight. They make me smile with delight. Do you like Five Iron Frenzy singing about the pants? It's kind of silly, but it brings on romance. I'll never forget the day I saw you standing there wearing pants. You were all alone. And I thought to myself, "Man I wish I had those pants." But the problem was: Those weren't my pants! I don't know whose pants they are. But I want 'em. I only know that I want them. So why don't you come over here and rock baby! Oh, hold onto to me tight baby! Oh yeah. And keep wearing them pants. Cuz' I love you.)

Add Bacon for the Taste

The Cantaloupe

To open this e-mail I would like to apologize for my lack of really good April Fool's joke on all of you. I wanted to tell you I'd died or something, but then I realized that would simply be implausible. How could I die? That doesn't even make sense now does it? I've never died before, so why would I now? So of course you wouldn't believe me! I just couldn't think of another good joke. Oh wait, I should have sent you all an attached computer virus! That would have been hilarious, except that my mom gets this e-mail and thus the virus would hit me. And we all know the golden rule. Do unto others unless it's done to yourself. At least it could be that.

More News From The Weekend

The travesty that happens every year happened again. That's right, I'm talking about the clock being set differently. How dare they steal one hour from our weekend?! This has been happening as long as I've been alive and I just can't stand for it anymore! I mean the logical system would be to add 23 hours to the day! Clearly that would give everyone an extra 23 hour sleep. Recently I went out to the public and asked them what the one thing in the world they wanted more than anything else was. 23% of the respondants said they wanted a lot of money, 25% said they wished they could find true love and a whopping 71% said they wished they could get a night's rest for more than 23 hours! Well there you have it. Now until my plan comes into effect there has never been a night lasting for more than around 15-16 hours. My night will last almost 35 hours! Now let's say you don't get to sleep right away, maybe you play video games late into the night. Maybe you're a light sleeper. Well it doesn't matter because you have more than a whole day's worth of sleep ahead of you. Now of course to every plan there are drawbacks and this one is no exception
"I can't sleep for more than 8-10 hours a night"
Most people have been limiting themselves for years. I can't sleep that long! You can if you tell yourselves you can! Certainly if you put yourself through extensive training you can be ready for this night. Practice sleeping. Take a positive attitude. Then in the nights before this night, don't sleep at all! Thus you'll be extra tired and in need of more than 23 hours of sleep. So don't give me this 'I can't sleep that long' garbage, because I will not accept that excuse.
"It won't really be night, because the sun WILL come up"
Now this might be the most difficult of the problems to reconcile. I mean even if you went to the length of stopping the earth from rotating, you still have sun somewhere on the earth. So I say we start developing a really big rocket that we can shoot at the sun and momentarily block the sun's light. Yes, this rocket needs to be really really big. I say we dispose of our garbage this way. Make a really huge ball and shoot it at the sun on this day so that at the proper time it keeps night for exactly 23 hours longer than normal. It could work.
"You're putting more hours in the year"
This can be solved in a highly entertaining system. Well at the start of each year in a secret ceremony you have pieces of paper stuck into envelopes with each day of the year on the envelope. Then every Sunday in a televised conference, a famous celebrity will open the envelopes containing the dates that should happen in the next week. If the envelopes contain a green YES on them, that day will happen. If the day has a red NO then you just skip that day on that particular year. Now this wouldn't affect days of the week. If Tuesday, April 5th were skipped, it would go from Monday the 4th to Tuesday the 6th. If your birthday gets removed, too bad I say. Plans can be changed I always say. Think about how entertaining this could be. If the removed day has yet to happen and it's December you'd be watching frantically hoping that Christmas happens this year. It would put drama into our year. I mean we take all these days for granted. What if there's simply the potential they don't happen? I SERIOUSLY wish this would happen!
Overall I can't imagine why people haven't thought of this before! Because if they had, they certainly would see just as I have that it'd be the greatest idea since I decided to wear a green shirt today.

World War Three Update

The U.S.A is furious about what they call an attempt by the rest of the world to undermine their sense of nationhood. After July 4th was removed from the calender last week, Americans from California to Vermont had to scrap celebrations, parades, fireworks and days off. George W. Bush claimed that someone had clearly tampered with the secret system and demanded that July 4th be added to the calender, possibly as soon as September. "Would anyone in the world really miss September 2?" quipped the President, "we could make it a weekend to remember for Americans in all nations, from Panama to Guatamala." World leaders have taken a number of stances on the issue. Some have taken a stance of "Tough luck". Others are more compassionate, but only a few nations have offered to help in the relief effort. The public in the U.S is understandably outraged and has called for revenge upon all nations who didn't lose their national holiday. Others have called for more peaceful measures. Kansas city firefighter Mark Walmart offered his idea, "I think we need to show the world they can't mess with America. We'll make our own calender and it will be filled with nothing but July 4's. That'll show them who's boss!"

It will happen on the 9th unless the 9th is cancelled

That's right. Books! Lots of books! Some people are coming! Some people are buying books. You should be too! That's Saturday for the date-challenged among you.

Trevor YVR Plett

(People always tell you that April Showers bring May Flowers, but they're wrong! They actually bring May Cowards. It's a little known fact, known only by me and People Magazine. And May Cowards bring June Powers. And then July Glowers.)