Oh The Madness!

The Cantaloupe

Previous to now, I did not realize how much power my articles have on the world as a whole. To clarify, I think I may have jinxed winter to an extent. Or the lack thereof. You see it hadn't snowed in a long time. I write article about how it hadn't and it does. But it's still not overly cold (braces self for -40). Either way I figure that now I should be able to control things by simply stating the opposite. For example, have you noticed how little money has been falling out of the sky lately? It's atrocious! You'd think a couple $20 bills would sprinkle at least, but no. Now that I've said that, I expect a change. I expect to become a rich ma...I mean a poor man!

Over There Is Where The Heart Is

Many have asked me over the years, "What's the source for your comedy success?". "How do you do it?". I don't even know that I could have answered that question. Why would I want to give away my secrets? Well I figure it's about time for me to do the unthinkable. I will share. The first secret is one that I can illustrate using a story.
Back in high school we had these days called Wednesdays. I KNOW! Wacky stuff! Anyways these days at my school were Directed Study Wednesdays. On one particular DSW, me and my friend Steve did something that was quite fun. Some people might think it was lame and a waste of time (and they're probably right), but I enjoyed it thoroughly. We played this game in our agendas where we listed a word and then listed words that rhymed with them. So what word first? Duck. So we listed words that rhymed. I believe our next word was hit. And I think somewhere in there we used the word "Plastered". For example the only thing we could think of for "plastered" was "mastered". Either way, some people thought were picking the words for a particular purpose, but I think we were completely random.So what's the theory? I call it oblivious. Acting oblivious is the key to having fun. Pretending you don't completely get all the factors behind something.
This spawns a fun idea called the "Jesus Loves You Finger". Well there's four fingers. If you simply raise only the ring finger I call that giving someone the "Jesus Loves You Finger". I mean this is something important to tell people right? So you NEED a symbol for it. Now what are the practical implications? Well let's say someone cuts you off in traffic. You are driving your red minivan down Memorial Drive and a biker cuts you off. Well being a person with moral integrety you don't get angry. Instead you make a move that will be contrary to what someone would expect. You show the biker that you forgive him. You tell him that despite his terrible driving, there is someone who still loves him. That's right, you show him the "Jesus Loves You" finger. So at the next light, lean out the window and yell at him. You have to yell because otherwise you might not get his attention. Now once he looks at you, you quickly show him the finger. You don't hold it too long because you need to keep your attention on driving. Just a quick one second gesture. I'm sure it will make him feel all fuzzy inside. If you see one of his kind later in the day walking down the street you make want to flash him with it too! Just because you're a loving sort of person!

Have a Good Weekend

Over the weekend many people across this country and others will celebrate a holiday called Easter. Now I've always wondered what chocolate eggs have to do with the resurrection of Christ, but I did a little research into it and I think I may have been wrong. Maybe chocolate and eggs are a part of Easter
Corporate John 20: 1-2
"Early Sunday morning while there still were no Cadbury's Cream Eggs in existance, Mary Magdalene came to the tomb and found her basket. She also noticed there was a tomb with the stone rolled away. She ran and found Simon Peter and the other disciple, the one whom Jesus loved and told them how much she loved the Mini Eggs"
So you see it's right there in the Slightly Altered Bible. Now I really doubt such an edition exists, but if it did then I would understand it all. Of course, with just a slight bit of research I'd probably be able to find the beginning of such things as chocolate Easter eggs, but you know me, I don't seem to care too much. Research might kill my bit.

Final Words

For those of you hoping or wishing to come to my Book Release Party on Saturday, too bad! It's postponed until let's say....April 9! That's a great day to hang and stuff! And sign books! Same time, same place, same bat channel! However I will still continue my plan of releasing the book to purchase as of....right now! Buy one today! $9. Me! Corporate initiative!Have a great weekend!

Trevor YVR Plett

(In the future I dream of capturing a world renowned terrorist, then cloning him and letting the terrorist go so that in 30 years when they still haven't caught the terrorist they'll find his clone, who'll be a pharmacist. Then they'll arrest him and I'll laugh because hey, life is funny!)

Diary Goes Hollywood

The Cantaloupe

It's been a while since I let each of you into my personal life, so it's time I did so. So it's time for a sequel.

DEAR DIARY-You would not believe who I bumped into yesterday! That's right. Tom Cruise! Apparantly there was some sort of environmental benefit or something that he was attending. Maybe he was shooting a movie. By all the yelling and screaming and "How'd you get here" you'd think I had just walked onto the set. If they hadn't wanted me there, you think they'd have had bigger signs saying "No Trespassing" and a fence with razor wire rather than simple barbed. That stuff is easy to get over. But they didn't. Anyway you should have seen the chemistry me and Tom had in acting right off the bat. He seems all angry when he saw me, just like he is when he sees an evil villian. So I played along. This was my chance to show a real Hollywood director that I had what it took to be a star. So I became a villian. My threatening of Tom was some of the best work I had ever done. I don't know what kind of crappy movie this was, because just as I was about to hit my peak I was jumped on by a bunch of guys. What movie has the villian beaten by ordinary security guards? If Tom himself had came after me obviously I'd have let him win. He's the hero! Very disappointing. Either way, I'm now planning on waiting here until I get my movie contract offer. I figure I'll be typecast as a bad guy at first until I get my big break, but that shouldn't take long. I'll be bigger than Pony's!

DEAR DIARY- I woke up today to an interesting sight. My room at home seemed very different. I must have redecorated or something. Apparantly I tore out my carpet. Apparantly I stuck this hard metal bed in there to replace my soft cushy bed. All the walls were cemented over and my door was much bigger and consisted of metal bars. I really don't remember renovating, but it's certainly possible. I was dreaming a lot yesterday about all the movies I was bound to be starring in. First there's The Deathening. It involves five completely different car chases! It won't be high or plot or even quality except for the villian that will steal the show. That's right! Me! I mean I don't know why I'd have changed my house this drastically (perhaps I bought a new place with all my millions of dollars), but why did I let all these big scary looking guys into my house? Now this made me really think. Why were they there? Did I hire security of my own? I asked them about this and one of them gave me a wicked punch to the face. Wow! I suppose keeping me safe has taken very different forms over the years. So overall I spent the whole thinking about the scene between me and Tom.

DEAR DIARY- My parents came and picked me up today. I don't know where they were the last few days, but wherever they were, they sure didn't look happy today. They always said I should do something with my life and now I was going to be an actor. Why the angry looks? Anyway I didn't care. I was thinking about my second movie called It All Ends Yesterday. It was a thriller, but with the most shocking ending. I can't tell you even though you, my diary, are supposed to know everything about me. What if I publish you or something? Or put you out through a weekly newsletter of some sort? Anyways this movie stars Nicholas Cage and Drew Barrymore (I know, sounds weird to me too). Either way I waited all day for the phone to ring. I sat beside it and thought about all the roles I wanted to take. Maybe eventually a romantic comedy with me and Natalie Portman. The phone did ring and it was my boss. He informed me that the company no longer wanted me, but who cares? Why do they need to fire me, don't they know I've gone off to bigger and better things? I went to an entertainment site on the internet and they still don't have my name up. What a joke!!!

DEAR DIARY- I worked for days, but finally I found out Tom Cruise's phone number. The first thing I wanted to know was what he thought I needed to work on. It seems like he's always on. He asked, "who is this?" as if he didn't know! How could you not remember me? I told him about our previous meeting and he was silent for a while. No doubt he was going to ask about when we'll do a movie together. Strangely he asked how I got his number. I told him. He threatened me with calling the cops. I laughed. What a joker! I mean he barely knows me, yet he still has the confidence to be telling jokes. C'mon! What cop in the world would arrest someone simply for phoning up a friend? Tom was playing the disturbed celebrity with a stalker to a tee. I mean it was hilarious. Maybe you'd have had to be there.

DEAR DIARY- Tom's such a joker, I figured maybe he'd get a kick out of what I just did. I phoned up the National Enquirer and told them who Tom Cruise is REALLY going out with. I mean I am going to need some money to take a few acting classes sometime right? I have to take my future job seriously. I can't wait to see Tom's face when he finds out!

DEAR DIARY- The phone rang. It was Tom Cruise! He wanted to know who told the Tabloids that he was dating Hilary Duff. He made a couple phone calls and found out where it all came from. He didn't seem to be laughing nearly as hard as I thought he would. I mean really? Him dating her? It's unthinkable. But that's the genius of it. Well it turns out he wants to give me a car or something so that I don't get near him again. Trying to protect the public eh? I mean he knows we'd blow the audiences mind. But why the car? And why did he just hand the phone off to Hilary Duff? Well maybe I'll need my old job after all.

DEAR DIARY- Well it's been a few months since my celebrity meeting. I no longer wish to be an actor. I now want to be a circus performer. I have no previous experience but how hard can it be? Tom Cruise gave me all this money, because it was my birthday! It told me on the birthday card that I was supposed to be quiet. Well I suppose that won't be hard. Since when has a circus performer talked a lot on stage? For the last couple months I wondered why my story was never published in the National Enquirer. I mean it was all just a big joke. I suppose they only like to report facts eh? What really boggles my mind is how quickly my room changed back. And how did my room undergo such transformation without my back account taking a gigantic hit? I mean I looked at my bank statement and it says something about being "fine", but no renovation. How can they charge me for being "fine"? It is some sort of wierd tax? I need to talk to my MP about this.

Announcements

Guess What? I AM releasing a book. The first copy of the book is in print. It is 102 pages long (that's 51 pages double sided). What is included? The first 35 e-mail newsletters I sent out are included in that (from January to December 2004). All reformatted with a Table of Contents and everything. As for new material I wrote an introduction. BUT what has been added are some old files that have never been released. One thing was a book I was actually going to write (I got about 4 pages in). This came before the Cantaloupe was even conceived. There is an unreleased, uncompleted B-side and more!
Either way, I'm having a little shin dig to mark the release in about 2 weeks time, so check your attachments! The book will cost $9 (Yes I originally said $5, but then I realized my costs). Please order a copy in advance of that date so I can print it. If you can't show up, you can still order a book (Do so in person, by phone or e-mail I don't care), I certainly can mail books as well if you don't live around here. But enough with my reckless capitalism, have a great day!

Trevor YVR Plett

(Look, my life is fairly uninteresting. I mean only about 80% of the above story is factual. I made a few things up. I did renovate my room. I didn't actually dream about all those movies. However Tom Cruise is most certainly good friends at least with Hilary Duff. That's all I'm trying to say)

Did You Really Think That It Was Over?

The Cantaloupe

Over the last couple of months I've been really thinking about one thing. What is this so called winter? Can anyone tell me what it is? I mean supposedly it's something that's supposed to last from November through March or so, but I haven't noticed any differences. I mean in my opinion Fall lasts til around the end of December and then maybe Spring started in January. Well around a month ago was this event called Groundhog Day. They have a groundhog and if it sees it's shadow there is supposed to be 6 more weeks of winter. Well I don't get this superstition. I mean based on the four or so weeks following that date I'm going to assume that the groundhog didn't see his shadow and that's why it's 15ish AGAIN today. But that said, when there wasn't winter before Feb. 2? Perhaps the groundhog no longer exists and thus winter no longer exists. I'm certain of this. No groundhogs means no winter. Or perhaps winter is just going to come at a very different time...say May. And to those of you who think what I just said is a joke, you obviously haven't lived in Calgary. And that's sad.

Where Are They Now?

With all the hype about winter and the like over the last couple years we've heard a lot about it. Things to do in winter like skiing, sledding, shovelling snow etc. Well with winter out of the limelight this year, I figured as an investigative journalist I would do one of those "Where are they now?" columns. So I searched the world far and wide and I finally found winter. Now I'm under contract not to reveal where winter is, but let's just say it has three Q's in the name.
The Cantaloupe- So Winter, why did you choose not to stop at Calgary on your world tour?
Winter- Well, I figured I would concentrate this year on a couple places and build a large fan base there. There's a lot of choice on the season market these days. Summer has a strong commercial hold on many markets around the world while Spring and Fall have expanded greatly. I figured that before I try and muscle those seasons out of their markets, I'd concentrate on one place. I'm still thinking about my Western Canada audience, but unfortunately it's simply not financially feasable at the moment.
The C- I see. Now you and the critics seem to never have gotten along. People say you're too "cold", "harsh" or even "unbearable". What do you say to these critics?
Winter- To tell you the truth, I don't care what they say. What other season can completely change the look of a landscape? Autumn? Bah, all it does is alter the trees. So does spring. My work is full scale. During the other three seasons you can do all the same things. I bring something different. I've always had a chip on my shoulder and I'm out to prove the critics wrong. Maybe by dumping 18 feet of snow on their hometown.
The C- Traditionally you've only really had a following in Northern countries, high altitudes and Artarctica. Have you ever thought of changing your style to fit different audiences?
Winter- People always tell me that snow would be a whole lot palatable to warmer climates if I wasn't so darned cold. Or maybe if snow tasted like candy. But I can't change who I am. Maybe if I just became a clone of summer everyone would love me, but that would be selling out.
The C- You've appeared in a whole lot of movies over a long period of time, recently in films like Elf or The Phantom of the Opera. But these roles have never been starring. Have you ever thought of maybe being the lead.
Winter- You forget I was the villian in The Day After Tomorrow. But no, I choose not to take such starring roles. You see, who I am is a small scale season. I can't change that.
The C- Any closing comments?
Winter- C'mon people. Why don't you like me? You like fluffy. I bring fluffy snow. I'm even the season of Christmas. Just because I'm maniacal, angry and merciless shouldn't make me less likable! Next year, I'm going to smite the world with endless snow drifts and maybe I'll change to be more likeable and blow some fluffy sheep in with me.

The Beginning Of The World As We Know It

As of late I've been thinking of starting a club at my school. I'm going to put up signs and everything. It shall be fun. What club is this you ask? The "Absence Club". It's a club for people who fail to show up for anything. You assign a room to meet in and then I as president will set a good example and not show up. I suppose this club will be a rampant success because everyone in the world could be considered a member!

Regarding Maurice

Looking at my high school yearbook you see some tragic things. People have terrible grad quotes. It's a crime that should not be repeated. Take for instance this quote that was said by at least 3 different people, "Aim for the moon, because even if you miss, you'll land amongst the stars". Well I talked to some very prominent scientists and they assured me that most stars are actually a large distance from the moon. So just to clarify those of you with big goals. You will most likely hit a star, but it may take a few billion years. Anyone got patience? But that said, with modern technology, you should quite easily be able to hit the moon. Now I went to a moonologist for his opinion. He said the moon isn't nearly as cool as the Earth. It has no water, plants, animals and the scenery is simply blah. You wouldn't want to go there. So I tell you, aim low because the lower you get the better. Can anyone say fertile valley?? I knew you could.
Speaking of what I just did I present to you the Cantaloupe's guide to the English language. First of all-MISPRONOUNCE EVERYTHING. It'll annoy other people and will be funny in the process. Secondly, take everything literally. It'll annoy everyone....wait, can I just say that annoying people is great unless they're bigger or angrier than you.

Trevor YVR Plett

(The Cantaloupe has been brought to you today by the power of the number 18 and the force of the opposite of radish. Only the pretend hamburger can suppress what's inside of your stomach.)