Unkut Uncensored and Full of the Letter K

The Cantaloupe

This was the week in Canada where the laughter died. It was a week we shall all remember as the death of hockey. However it set a precedent in all kinds of disputes that will live on. Take this story of an argument about what color to paint their walls in our very own city.

Wall Over

Tabitha and Rory Van Mini couldn't agree whether or not to keep the walls blue or paint it simply white. This argument had been brewing for some time. Rory figured the couple was wallowing in debt because blue paint is simply too much money. Tabitha however really liked the blue walls. They made her happy. However Rory came out with their budget. It showed the couple was losing $800 billion dollars on blue paint. This seemed an exaggeration to Tabitha. She just couldn't imagine losing more than $10 billion a year on paint. The dispute finally hit rock bottom. One day while Tabitha went to the store, Rory locked the doors. Yes, Tabitha was locked out. This lasted a while. Tabitha had no home, but she was determined not to give up. That wall would stay blue!
Tabitha- Under no circumstances was I going to agree to a paint costing cap. It's a free country. I can spend whatever I want on my diamond encrusted glitter paints.
Well for months it dragged on. Tabitha got an apartment to live in that surprisingly had white walls! The paint was like...so cheap! On the other hand the walls were slowly degrading from not being painted and Rory was doing nothing.Well soon they decided to negotiate once more. Their friends and family were certain that they were going to come to an agreement. Tabitha agreed that the paint didn't have to be blue and Rory agreed the paint could be diamond encrusted. However just when things looked perfect they broke talks off. What the??!!! Then the terrible news came. The walls had collapsed. The house was cancelled for the season. Everyone involved cried, especially the little kids who had become trapped under the wreckage. It was a sad day. But was it really over?
Rumors swirled and finally it became a reality. There were going to be more meetings! Tabitha and Rory would ressurect their house and pull their children out from the wreckage. Well it was not to be. They still couldn't agree on anything.
Van Mini's 12 year old daughter- My mom and dad were just bickering and I couldn't understand it. I kept yelling and yelling. I mean I hadn't been able to move for a week. The chimney was on my right leg. If they had just listened to me I could have told them there was no walls left to paint and all their arguments were pointless. I'm so hungry.
Despite the hunger pangs of the kids, they agreed to disagree. And that was the first agreement they had in a year or so.
Rory- My youngest daughter Tiffany (she's 8) asked me to move the refridgerator off of her. I told her that if she could just hold still under it's weight for another couple of months that mommy would certainly give in. She cried. I guess kids just don't understand these things.

And Now For Something Completely The Same

Many of you know that I used to be an orphan. Well my runaway parents have returned. I'd like to tell each of you who said I wouldn't make it, that I did! I think I've got the hang of dressing myself and everything. It's pretty sweet it is. I figured out how to do a lot of things. To those who think Jell-O isn't a food group, well it certainly was a prominent dish in my cooking. But yeah, you certainly take a lot of things for granted when your parents are home. For one, I don't recall nearly so many rats running around the house. Where did they come from? And why in particular are they mutated? I suppose I'll never know. Luckily for me, I got a lot of money for letting the nuclear power plant deposit all this waste in my kitchen. A whole $10. Think of what a radioactively enhanced young man could do with all that cash!

Quickie Thought Of The Week

If you were an environmentalist feeling down in Antarctica you'd have to go a long way to find a tree to hug.I think we should blame the industry of forestry for the current state of trees in Antarctica. I mean that place is totally without trees. But really, I think we need to puncture a hole in the ozone layer much bigger than we already have. That way, we can turn the ice continent into a tourist resort. And maybe we can sell the ice. Think of the money. And also we should see if we could blow up the moon. Why? Because we can. Ahhhh...technology is the greatest thing ever isn't it. And mankind is so great. And sarcasm is better used is a sentence not beginning with "and".

Trevor YVR Plett

(Do a deer rolling in dough Re a guy whose name is ray Me a guy who is so great Fa Down the stairway ouch So what you say before "good" La Rhymes with Vertilwa Ti the Cantaloupe favorite drink and that brings you back to something or other)

The More A's, The Better

The Canataloupe

Ahhh...another week...another chinook...another time of writing you all an issue of the Canataloupe. Why the extra "A" you may ask. Well that extra A stands for AWESOME! As in "This issue is going to be awesome". Now we do not yet know the awesomeness of this issue, but we do know that Canataloupe almost sounds like Canadaloupe and that's my home and native land. And even though I didn't think about that prior to writing it, I will now claim that I meant to type that spelling mistake because I was being patriotic.

Classes help you see better

One thing I have found extremely fun over the last week or so is this little competition I have been holding. You see if you are in school, there are many ways to make them fun. The way I've been doing it is almost like a boxing match. It's called "Mealey vs. the Clock". Now Prof. Mealey isn't necessarily a bad teacher. In fact he's a good teacher. However one thing I've been noticing so far this semester is he is yet to ever cover the material he's supposed to get done in the class. Well knowing this I have turned it into a competition. Can he actually pull it out just once this year and beat the clock? For example yesterday he was teaching on the Nicene Council of 325 A.D. Mealey started slow in the match and the clock pulled ahead (Mealey walked in 5 minutes late for class), but he was this close to being done with about 15 minutes in the class. I told another guy in class that if he finished the council material he would win. But at the last minute he started a discussion and it veered off and he got KO'ed by the clock again. It was the closest he had come to winning all year. Either way, this makes the class very entertaining, because of the upset potential. Sure, the clock is a solid 8-0 so far, but all it takes is one speed lecture for that undeafeted record to become one loss. It's too early in the season to talk about a perfect record, but who knows?
Either way, you too can make classes entertaining. Find something unique about your teacher. Maybe your teacher says a certain word a lot. Take a tally on how many times that word is used per class. Then make a prediction whether he will use it more or less the next class. Get other people involved. If there is competition people will be more interested. Remember small wagers (i.e. candy) always make things more fun. If you use creativity you can have many different competitions. If someone is late, predict when they will come into class.

And now the more practical segment

Everyone's favourite day of the year comes next week. Yes, that's right February 16th! Actually I think nobody in their right minds actually thinks any day next week is their favourite day of the year (unless their birthday is next week). Any way Valentine's Day is one of my favourite ultra-commercialized holidays of the year. Now really it isn't a holiday, because we still all go to work and school, but that's not the point. The point is people want to know what to get their significant others. Now there doesn't seem like a lot of gifts you can get people. I mean there's chocolates and there's flowers (Ed. note- In case you haven't guessed I'm talking about gifts for girls). But after that, what can you give? Well to understand other possible gift ideas you must understand first what makes chocolate and flowers good gifts. Well first we must break down the qualities of chocolate. They're small, brown and good-tasting. Now I don't claim to know the female mind, but I think they like chocolates mostly because they are brown. So if they like gifts that are brown, you could give her some brown cordoroys or maybe a bag of potatoes or even a burlap sack!!! A BURLAP SACK FULL OF POTATOES!!! Yes! It's a brilliant plan. No girl can resist that. However maybe a better plan can be made if we understand why girls like flowers. Flowers are often bright-coloured, good-smelling, unique and they grow in the ground. Well again I don't claim to know girls, but I believe they like flowers, because they grow in the ground. Now let's look at my previous plan. Potatoes? They grow in the ground! See, the system works. So you can either give that special girl chocolates or flowers, or maybe chocolate-covered flowers or flower-covered chocolates, but what she'd really enjoy is a burlap sack full of potatoes!
Now I realize there are female readers too and I didn't particularily help them out too much. Well guys are easy. You know what they want. Oh you know...very well...
*hint hint* *wink wink* *nudge nudge*.
Oh you still haven't guessed? It's easy. They like everything.
FINE! You want more don't you. Well as a guy, I feel much more qualified to tell you what guys like. Guys like sports, cars and women. Now if you are the guys girlfriend you have already fulfilled the third one so let's just disregard that for now. Why do guys like sports? Is it the violence? Is it the competition? Is it the cool footwear? I'd say C. Now why do guys like cars? Is it the speed? The power? The excitement? The fact that they weigh like a ton? Well I considered speed for a while, but the weight part makes sense. So I think for that special guy, you can get him a pair of concrete block boots. But you should have known that already now shouldn't you? Let's call it women's intuition. Either that or you could get him food. Guys like food. But not as much as concrete block boots.

The offer of a lifetime

Scratch all that I said above because I've thought of the perfect gift. Unfortunately it will not be available before Valentine's Day. But it will be the tip-top of items to purchase. Remember when I told you all that if you wanted back issues I would send them to you? Well I lied a bit, didn't I? But then again I am still telling you truth. If you haven't figured it out by now, I'm going to release "The Cantaloupe: Seedless Goodness. The First 35 Issues and More..." Well I will release it if the demand is there. Why now? Because I'm greedy for money. Yes, that's right. I've sold out. To the dark side. Mwa ha ha ha ha. Either way, if you're interested in getting rid of an annoying 5 dollar bill from your wallet and want to replace it with a wad of paper that most certainly will not fit in your wallet you can e-mail me. Please make the subject line "Dear Greedy McGee" or you don't have to. For those I don't see in person, I can certainly use the postal service. Buy them to give to friends or keep them for yourselves. But I understand if you would rather save your money for those concrete block boots that I hear are coming in style as I speak.

Trevor YVR Plett

(Do you think I have the right to ask for loyalties in those boots? I mean I did suggest you buy them in this column. I mean that's free advertisement. Maybe I can just get myself a pair of those boots for free. Maybe even a discount. Please. Pretty Please. Pretty Please with Radishes on top? You don't like radishes? What kind of person doesn't like radishes? That's just weird.)

One Goat Two Goat Red Goat Purple Goat

The Cantaloupe

As many of you kids know, I live at home. Well my parents left home and ran away. If you see them tell them that I didn't mean the things I said and they're welcome to come live with me again. But yeah, I'm an orphan now. Living all alone. For another few weeks at least. This whole cooking every day thing is a little new, but it's not a wacky as trying to dress myself. Now that's difficult! For example, today I picked up a certain garment and wondered why it has four holes in it. I knew there was such a thing as "pants" and such a thing a "shirt", but I only have two arms and I only have two legs! Maybe this article of clothing was for some sort of four armed mutant. But lo and behold there was many more four holed garments! "Maybe I can figure out how to use this thing if I find some instructions on there", I thought. Well it told me. "Machine wash cold. Tumble dry medium. Do not iron decoration". So I did it. I put it in the washing machine and then the drier and never once did I iron it. However it still was not on my back or legs. Anyway I was lost and confused so I went outside and tried to flag a car down. I figured if they stopped one of those people could tell me what this contraption was and how to put it on. One thing I never realized is how rude drivers are in this city. Nobody would stop and help a guy in need. Maybe if I observed other people wearing similar articles of clothing I could figure it out. A girl walked by and she appeared to be wearing the four-holed thing on her upper torso. Well that and I strange expression. As for the item two holes contained her arms, one hole contained her head and the other seemed to contain her lower body. As for the expression it may have been joy, but it also could have been shock or disgust. Who knows? Well finally I knew what this thing was for. I struggled and finally fit this item on myself. Then I looked at the clock. Midnight. Well time to go to bed. I never thought clothes could be so difficult. Tomorrow I try and figure out what to do with really small tight things that look like shorts are for.

Misdirection is the finest form of flattery

On Sunday millions of people are going to watch the Super Bowl. Apparantly this is some kind of football event. Now why is it called the Super Bowl? Now by the name I would naturally assume it's the championship of bowling, but that is not the case. By the same logic the baseball championship should be the Super Curl. But whatever, enough with the logistics and on to the game. The Patriots are playing the Eagles. Many of you did not know this, because you don't follow football. Those of you may want to skip the next section, because I am going to give one heck of a guess at which team will win. And it shall be clogged with so many hard to understand football terms that you may get sick and cough a lot. So here goes nothing

The Cantaloupe's Definitive Game Analysis

A lot of people say the key to the game is Terrell Owens playing or Corey Dillon's running, but I beg to differ. To understand who will win you first must understand the teams. The Patriots are a bunch of guys who fought against Great Britain back in the 1700's. They love their country (America) and preach freedom, truth and justice. The Eagles as you may have guessed are a bunch of really big birds. Now the Patriots certainly have the advantage intellectually and they know how to operate firearms. Their guns will bring a swift end to any bird that even comes near to them. The Eagles may be faster and may have deadly talons, but they'll need a miracle to even get close to the well-armed Patriots. So Patriots by 10 sound about right for a score?
No. It doesn't.And I'll tell you why.
While Patriots may have guns, they have a weakness. They are sentimental. There are a few American icons they will honor at all costs. One is the flag. Another is the Pledge of Allegiance. Another is the magestic eagle, a symbol of freedom and power. No true patriot would ever harm an eagle. However, an eagle has every right to attack a patriot. So while the men try and shoo the eagles away the birds will claw away until the have defeated their enemies. Eagles by 3.
Now some of you might question this method of predicting a game. Well would you have taken a Steeler (a guy who works with iron) against a man with a gun (Patriot)? No. Would you take a smaller Falcon against an Eagle? No. Those were the last two games in football. Always pick the team with the tougher nickname I always say. Go Cowering Sissies!

Heavy Sack Beatings are up 900 %

Consumerism is the primary staple of today's culture. People everywhere buy, buy, buy until they can buy no more. Advertising blankets us wherever we go. Kids today are told what to wear, drink, watch, listen to, think etc. Well I figured I'd do society a favor and write a letter to a major corperation.
"Dear Company
I Noticed you think we are all walking bags of cash. Well we're not. Any biologist could tell you that. Someday us lower folk are going to revolt against you. Today is not that day and I doubt tomorrow, but Monday? It might be the day. And on that day, instead of swimming in a pool full of dollar bills it will only be wading through the pool. Doesn't that scare you? So yeah, you need to stop selling us stuff, before my mom comes back and yells at you!
Sincerely,Me"
So I walked into the mall yesterday and taped the letter to the store map. I assume from there, all the major corperations will be able to read it. And won't they be shaking in their boots? What kind of boots? I assume they are wearing dorky snow boots. Why would they wear dorky snow boots when the headquarters is most likely in a warm climate? Because they are dorky, that's why. Remember, stop spending all your money on making the man rich. We must stand up to the man. Because someday I hope to charge for this column and it'll be pricey. And if anybody should rip you off, why not me?

Trevor YVR Plett

(By the way, when you're thirsty and in need of something to quench your thirst, don't look past the medicine cabinet. There's good stuff in there. Surely a pre-emptive medicine strike will destroy both viruses and your thirst. Pepto-Bismal for life)