The Shaggiest Year-2004

The Cantaloupe

The first ever Cantaloupe issue was during the first week of January this year. 2004 shall be known as the "Year of the Cantaloupe". It was a good year. Now in the interest of copying cliched things, I will do MY year-in-review. Of course my year-in-review is more fun. If you haven't heard of the llama revolt in Chile, well then go to another site, because I will talk no more about any fuzzy llama. However I WILL talk about shaggy goats! Speaking of New Years, I've always wanted to celebrate right beside a time zone line. That way I could celebreat New Years, then go back in time and celebrate it again. You could tell someone, "The last time I did this was in 2005" and they'd say, "but it's still 2004" and you'd say "exactly". It'd be so cool.

My most desired occupation (isn't there a few of them?)

I've always wanted to be a magician (or an illusionist as some might say). I was discussing this the other day with some guys and the idea came up that a magician should never have to give you a business card. They would just tell you to look in your wallet. And *presto* a business card would be there. Well how else could you use your powers to amaze? Well if you were at a store and you had to pay, they would tell you how much you had to pay them (e.g. $24). Then you would tell them, "I think you'll find $24 in you front shirt pocket". And the money would be there! He could make anything disappear if he needed to. He could play great practical jokes on people. Look now you don't have a car! Oops I just made your tiolet disappear! No couch for you! And so on. A person like that could even have stopped the fuzzy llama revolt in Chile now couldn't they? And we all know how that turned out now didn't we? Poor llama farmers. Oops I wasn't supposed to mention such things. I was SUPPOSED to mention shaggy goats!

Enough new material. Let's relax and summarize

Well since this is the end of the year and I can put out a year summary let's do that here. And I know I wouldn't talk about it, but this year's big news had to be the fuzzy llamas. So the year that was in the loverly country of Chile. Mmmmmm...chili....

January
Chile was basking in the summer glow (In the southern hemisphere, summer is during our winter). Well summer is always a time for outdoor fun. So llama riding at sunset was a very popular activity. For dates, for competition, the uses of a sunset llama ride were endless. And how much more comfortable it is when the llama is fuzzy. Everyone was happy.

February
An ad for the Summer Olympics was on the TV in Santiago. This occured during the daily sunset llama rides. Well one event that was featured was the pole vault. The llamas thought to themselves, "Couldn't we do that? It looks like a lot of fun".

March
The llamas went behind the barn at night and began to practice the pole vault. They practiced day and night except only at night when they couldn't be seen. In a related news story, heartbreak hit the Chilean pole vault team when all their equipment was stolen. Because Chile was not a rich country they could no longer train and thus decided to form a Bridge team instead.

April
The South American Olympic trials were to be held in May in Brazil and it would be a long trip by llama. Yes, the llamas would ride other llamas to get there. So the llamas had to get started. They waited until nighttime, then snuck off in the night. The next day, farmer Eduardo Perez noticed his farm was remarkably llama-free. That's when he noticed some tracks. They looked a lot like leopard tracks except for one thing, they actually just looked like llama tracks. He was about to hitch up the llama and follow the tracks when he realized that to hitch a llama he would actually have to HAVE a llama. So he hitched up the next best thing they have in Chile, he hitched himself up a sheep. While the llamas got to Brazil safely, Eduardo had more difficulty

May
Eduardo was taking a long time. Perhaps it was the rough terrian, perhaps it was the fact that the sheep could not hold up under his weight anymore. Either way, he wasn't moving very fast. As for the llamas they easily beat the Olympic qualifying height. However there was a complication. There was no provision for llamas making the Olympics. Would they be allowed in? The representatives would check and render a verdict in June.

June
The llamas made their long trip back to Chile. Along the way, they met a man whose sheep had since been eaten to keep him alive. This man was not happy. However when he found out that the llamas had in fact been allowed to be in the Olympics by the IOC, he was surprisingly pleased. The way he figured it, if the llamas won gold medals he could sell gold medal winning llama meat on eBay.

July
Olympics preparations became intense. The llamas trained day and night except that during the day their training involved doing all the work that llamas usually do including llama rides. So yeah, still the secretive night training. The llamas also started their trek to Athens. It was only once they got to Rio De Janero that they realized that they couldn't walk all the way to Athens. Yes, they would have to swim. Now your normal llama would be unable to swim across the Atlantic ocean, but these were certainly no normal llamas; they were FUZZY llamas.

August
Well after numerous shark attacks tested the llamas courage and strength they made it to Athens. Oh yes, except for one llama. He didn't. He instead went to Australia. Sorry, but that was LAST Olympics. Cheered on by their wonderfully kind and not interested in moneymaking ventures of any sort owner Eduardo, they won the gold medal. How 36 llamas can all win gold in an individual event is beyond me, but hey, you didn't think llamas could compete in the Olympics before now did you?

September
Back in Chile, the llamas were greeted as heroes. I mean how many gold medals does Chile usually win? Not 36, that's for sure. They were party animals. They toured everywhere. Instead of sunset rides, they would have people on them and have sunset pole vaults. They were highly popular with the she-llamas. I mean who can resist a sexy fuzzy beast of a llama? However their owner Eduardo Perez still wanted to make meat of them and sell it on eBay.

October
One night when Eduardo was making plans with his rancher neighbour (who by the way raised javelin throwing pelicans), a llama overheard his plans. They marched on parliament and demanded llama rights. The president, Ricardo Lagos was uncertain of what he should do. The llamas had immense popularity with the common people, but it was the farmers who brought in a lot of money. So eventually he decided to side with the farmers. The llamas were their property and they could only do as they were told.

November
This did not sit well with the llamas. Over the next couple weeks they sided with the Chilean manufacturers of velvet pajamas. These pajama-makers had been likewise hurt by a presidential decree. They raised the prices on imports of the velvet plant (the one that makes velvet) from Venezuela. The day that the llamas were to be assassinated, they made their move. They marched upon the capital, Santiago and quickly grabbed control of the parliament. The president was forced to flee. Once in power, the llamas gave themselves many new rights and lowered velvet plant prices. They also got themselves some sweet velvet pajamas for free. They banished all farmers from their country. Then they realized this doesn't work so they decided to become farmers themselves. And the banished farmers were forced to give sunset rides. And occasionally to do pole vault with a llama or two on their back

December
Fuzzy Day was established as a new national holiday to be celebrated each November 19 as the day when the llama's got their independence. The name change to Llamaland from Chile was shot down. Llamas were named the country official bird for some apparant reason (I guess llamas can be less than smart at some times). And that's the way it remains in Chile to this day.

Well that's the year in review, although I'm still disappointed I couldn't mention shaggy goats a little bit more.

2004 is no more

As for me, the next time you read anything that I've written it will be 2005. That's quite scary considering 1999 doesn't seem all that long ago, but if I were to say 6 years ago I'd be "that's a loooonnnnng time ago". Whatever, I'm so old. I hope very soon in the new year to have a website (Jonny!!!!), and in the meantime I will attach a slightly less humurous look back at the year that was in regards to entertainment and my opinions upon it. Read the attachment for details.

Question of the Year

Where were you when the fuzzy llamas won the gold medal and what were you doing?For example, when the llamas won the gold medal I was at my friend's house. We were playing a friendly game of chicken with bows and arrows (we'd shoot arrows directly beside each other's heads and if you flinched you lose). Well we had the Olympics on and we decided to stop and watch the llamas. Well the look on the llamas faces when they won made my year. All the hard work they put in and the tears in their eyes. That's when you knew there was a God.What's your story?
Anyways, I think that I will actually end this newsletter now. I was going to about a paragraph up, but then I thought of putting a question in. Well now is the time. Farewell and have a good year.

Trevor YVR Plett

(Look if it's trouble you want, you came to the right place. We just got a shipment of it in yesterday. I've give you a lot of trouble for just $43.59. If you find a better price than that somewhere else, tell me and I'll give you even more trouble. And remember our sale tomorrow where you can get a package deal: A punch in the face and a kick to your shins for only $21.40)

Merry Cantaloupemas (I Don't Want To "Offend" Anyone Here)

The Cantaloupe

I'd like to wish each and every one of you a merry Christmas and in the spirit of Christmas, there are a certain historical people I'd like to remember. Yes, the Vikings! If any of you doubt how cool the Vikings were, you should doubt no longer. Pillaging, raping, burning. That's the life. Either way, I'm going to take Christmas holidays and not write an article this week. YAY! However open the picture I drew as a Christmas present to all of you.

Trevor YVR Plett

(It seems rather strange that when I only write a paragraph of material that I'd have a caption that may be almost as long as the entire article. Well that would be strange, but I don't think it'll be that close now, will it? I mean Vikings require an article to themselves sometime. And will I write it? Probably. Will I continue to write nonsense to fill up caption space? Yes. Will I stop now? Most definitely.)

Jingle the Cantaloupe Tree

The Cantaloupe

Well I'm back and it's that time of year. Not that I've ever put out Cantaloupes around Christmas, but yeah. School has winded down and is over. I'm freer than ever to write until my fingers are brittle and bruised. However I'd just like to remind you all that it's 8 days until Christmas. Well for some it's more but I don't care about them. Who actually celebrates Christmas ON Christmas day? Well today I present an issue dedicated to the holiday of Christmas.

Shopporamadrama

A lot of you have to buy presents for someone, maybe your mom or dad, possibly that brother you hate. Possibly the brother that you don't know you have until tomorrow. Maybe your murderous life-sentenced aunt. Well I've got a gift-buying guide for everyone on your life.

Dear Cantaloupe,
I've got this sister and well she's really strange. Well she's got this big crush on this boy and she talks about him all the time (well only in her diary). I don't know what to get her for Christmas. Can you help?-Tim Retwinzicle, Bobland, France
Well Tim, it sounds like the perfect gift would be to unite your sister with this crush of hers. Haven't you heard the song that says, "All I want for Christmas is You"? Well she wants the same thing. Well I've heard from some experts that playing hard to get is good. So for Christmas, obtain a picture of this boy, write a note with your sister's name of the back of it and stab it with a knife through the boy's front door. This is bound to make the boy think your sister wants to kill him. Eventually he will find this attractive.

Dear Cantaloupe,
Two years ago, I bought my mom my favourite video game for Christmas. Since she never played it, I've played it tons. Last year I bought her a metal CD. Well apparantly she's never liked metal so I adopted the CD as my own. Well this would be all well, but she was really unhappy with me both years. I don't see why. They were both really really awesome gifts. I was really really pumped that I ended up getting them for myself, so I don't see why she shouldn't be happy as well. What should I get her this year? I was thinking I might like a football, but what should I do?-Albert C. Intybersonberg, Smomalohke, Idaho
Mothers are like that sometimes Albert. They are some of the toughest people to buy for. So instead of just giving her the football you should do something special to personalize it. Put your name on the football to remind her that her wonderful offspring gave it to her. That way, anytime she lets you play with the football that she doesn't want, she'll remember the generousity of that thoughtful gift. You could even invite your friends to play a game of football right after present openings. That way when you skip Christmas dinner with the family (the one that your mother slaved over for hours), she will remember the thoughtfulness AND practicality of the gift that allowed it to happen.

Santa Claus Is Coming To Town (BEWARE)

I've been thinking. With all of America's security push and guard against terrorism, they've done a fairly decent job. However the one person who is the biggest threat is still at large. They have yet to find a way to defeat him. Perhaps the public backlash would be too strong. Yes, I am talking about the one and only Santa Claus. This man is the master criminal. First of all his identity is kept a secret. If you see someone who looks like Santa Claus, it's most likely an impersonator. The REAL Santa Claus could just walk through a mall and nobody would bat an eye because, well...there's many malls with Santa. He's impossible to find. It's like the Where's Waldo book back in the day in the land of Waldos. How do you find Waldo when everyone is Waldo? Second, Santa has a loyal army of elves. His elves will do whatever he says, because he is Santa Claus. He's five times your size. You do what he says. It's not like they're treated poorly either. Who wouldn't want to be bossed around when the reward is a good life. Third, Santa Claus has no government to control his actions. He lives at the North Pole, which is part of NO COUNTRY. There are no regulations or standards to abide by. He doesn't have to release information about what he is doing. In fact, nobody knows! Finally, Santa Claus has access to anyone's house that has a chimney. If he wanted to, he'd stick an explosive down your chimney and BANG! Merry Christmas! This man can get into the most secure of locations. You don't think he could get in the White House? His sleigh flies faster than any aircraft on Earth. You think they could shoot it down with missiles. Good luck. For those of you who are scared of Osama bin Laden, you shouldn't be. There is one man who poses a greater threat to the world's safety than he does. It's Kris Kringle. Let's get this straight. He may just be the richest man in the world. He has access to a hotbed of natural resources (all that coal) and how much do you think it costs to make all those toys? You don't have a clue who he is. He could very easily get into your house and rob you. But I haven't told you about the most deadly part. The fact is that "he sees you when you're sleeping. He knows when you're awake. He knows when you've been bad or good". He knows EVERYONE on the world. He's a mastermind. There's no WAY this man couldn't take over the world in one night if he wanted to. So try and protect your family this Christmas with a AK-47. He'll know you have it. So try and blockade the chimney, but he'll find another way in. Try and tell yourself that Santa doesn't exist, because he wants it that way. If the authorities don't think he exists, that's when he'll strike. Then we'll see who has a Merry Christmas. Ho ho ho.

The Spirit Of The Seasoning

The true meaning of Christmas is something many people have tried to find. What is the meaning of Christmas? No not the dictionary version, but the essence you could say of the the holiday. With stores treating Christmas as a stocking stuffer (if you count their wallets as stockings) and churches putting on Christmas plays and all, who knows what it could be? Supposedly the term "Christ's Mass" came to remember the birth of Christ. (By the way, isn't it funny that Christ is called Christ. That's like remembering Prince William as simply Prince. It's a title not an actual name.) Well I went out in search of the meaning. I looked far and wide. I looked over the mountain and under the seas. I looked above the stars and into parked cars. That when I asked for a sign. I got it. It said "Pedestrian Crossing". What about these pedestrians makes them the meaning of Christmas? Then I realized why. People crossing the streets is a sign of the strong giving way to the week and humble. A car could run you over without much of a dent, but it gives of itself to stop. Sure, cars could intimidate pedestrian to where they wouldn't cross, but it is in the spirit of love and kindness that drivers yield to the weak and helpless. That's why "Pedestrian Crossing" is the true meaning of Christmas. So the next time you see someone walking across the street, remember the purpose. It's Christmas. Stop. Give of yourself to another.

Trevor YVR Plett

(On the twelveth day of Cantaloupes, YVR gave to me, 12 Letters Answered, 11 diary entries, 10 spelling errors, 9 rants on playgrounds, 8 false news stories, 7 penguins dancing, 6 dragons trading, 5 of Yerov's kids, 4 mailing lists, 3 future looks, 2 crushed kids and you laughing and rolling on the floor)