The Continuing Adventures of Yerov the Hard-Working Russian Farmer

The Continuing Adventures of Yerov the Hard-Working Russian Farmer and Friends

When we last ran into Yerov the hard-working Russian Farmer, he lost his elephant on the account of it squishing some clumsy youngsters. Well that and his misunderstood childhood friend (Hurricane Ivan) finally died (take that, newspapers!). Well Yerov being the amazing father he was, wanted to get a pet for his kids. Since he was no longer allowed to get an elephant, he bought his kids a sloth. Not just any sloth, A THREE TOED SLOTH! And not just any kind of three toed sloth, a PIE BAKING THREE TOED SLOTH! Yes, that's right! This three toed sloth can bake pies. You might ask how it bakes pies and I will certainly tell you....very slowly. It bakes pies very slowly. It takes oh...about three days to make a pie with this sloth.
Well anyways, all of Yerov's twenty-seven kids were overjoyed to have a new pet that the law couldn't take away from them. They were also overjoyed to eat a delicious apple pie! Of course each of the twenty-seven kids only gets a sliver of pie to eat, but with the meager supplies they have...well they cherish each morsel of pie they eat.I almost forgot to tell you; the kids named their pie-baking three toed sloth Shenklikov the Arbitrary. Why? Because it was the first thing they thought of. Shenklikov the Arbitrary played tag with the kids. It was a great self-confidence booster for the kids. Even the ones with no legs could get away. A game of fetch would entertain the kids far longer than normal since it takes a sloth a few hours to get the stick.
Now when you have twenty-seven kids, they differ a lot in age. Well Yerov's eldest daughter is seventeen and well she met this boy. Now this boy is not the kind of guy who momsy and dad would approve of. He's got a bad haircut, he's 21, he wears clean clothes and worst of all, he wants to become an accountant. Well Yerov being the perceptive farmer, found out about this. He couldn't let his daughter marry someone who'd be well off and not a peasant living off the land, breeding till the cows came home. So Yerov had an idea. He found the boy and told him that he could in fact go out with his daughter. The boy was very excited. So he went out and planned the best date he could think of. Very romantic in fact. However, he left out one very important factor. Never ever mess with the Russians. Was he Russian? Yes. But either way, I'd still not wish to mess with the Russians.
On a Thursday night he came to pick up Yerov's daughter. Now Yerov being the tricky Russian had his wife prepping things with his daughter to distract her. So when the boy rang the door bell there was no answer. He rang it again. Still no answer. Finally on the third ring the door came open, but there was nobody there. He figured someone must be letting him in, so he went inside. He had never seen such a run-down house. Most of the houses he had been in had less than twenty-seven kids living in this. His family only had six kids. His parents actually remembered all their kids names. But anyway, that's a tangent. He looked around for a minute, when he saw something furry moving in the corner. As he moved in for a closer look, he saw that it was in fact, a sloth! The boy paused. He knew a great deal about sloths. In fact he had just recently been hired and was being trained as an accountant for a sloth firm. Because of this he knew the sloth posed no danger as far as running after him, because sloths are slower than pretty much anything. However sloths are also notorious for being able to toss large boxes full of puppies. Just as the boy was thinking this, something hit him in the head hard enough to knock him to the ground. It was a box full of puppies.
Then his heart sank. It was her. The girl he loved and she was staring right at him with a nasty glare.
"Why would you hurt these cute little puppies", she demanded to know.
"But....but.....it was the sloth"
"Why would he do that?"
"It was your father, he put the sloth up to it"
"But Shenklikov the Arbitrary is arbitrary. By definiton he can't plan things out like that. In fact he does things only by pure chance without any reason whatsoever."
The boy couldn't think of anything to say.
"I did love you," the girl said, "but I just can't love someone who would allow a sloth he didn't know was going to toss a box full of puppies at him toss a box full of puppies at him. I'm sorry, but we just can't see each other anymore. Mainly because being hit by that box of puppies seems to have made you blind."
So Yerov's daughter led the boy out of the house and gave him instructions on how to get home. Yerov met up with him along the way and put a barbed wire fence in his way. The moral of the story is don't mess with Russians.
Well how to conclude this story. Shenklikov the Arbitrary baked a pumpkin pie to celebrate. The puppies healed enough to pull Yerov's plow (he can't afford oxen). Yerov's daughter found herself a wonderful poor boy. Yerov knew this boy was to his liking when he showed up at the first date wearing a paper bag. "Now this is a boy I can see my daughter having over twenty kids with," he thought to himself. Everyone lived happily ever after. Okay that's not true. The blind boy certainly wasn't happy. And neither was the boy who wanted to be a teacher who wished to date Yerov's second daughter. He got hit in the head with a jar filled with daisies tossed by the sloth and he lost he sense of smell.

Trevor YVR Plett

(Yerov the hard-working Russian farmer is under exclusive contract to myself. Only I may talk about his sloth. Only I may make references to his daughters. Only I may say that he has twenty-seven kids. Only I may tell you that Ikea is a cool Swedish store with funny furniture. Yep that's right. I got the power. I AM the Four Square World Champion. Don't you dare mess with me, because I might just have a sloth of my own up my sleeve. Yes, that's right, the bulge in my sleeve is a sloth. I'm not good at hiding large mammals, give me a break!)

Orange To The Core

The Cantaloupe

It's time for another edition. It's a little difficult to stick to certain times of writing this week since I've been overcome by the homework plague. Why? Because apparently I have no true friends. Where were all of you to stop me from doing homework? That's right! You weren't! Anyway that said, I have a problem with our post-secondary system. Something just isn't right. We need a change. I mean where else do you pay them money so that you can work? I mean do I go and walk into a McDonald's and say, "I'll have a Big Mac" and then do they say, "okay go make one"? Well that's what our colleges and universities are doing! Since WE pay the money, THEY should do the homework! All these people are complaining about the cost of post secondary, but I say it's not the cost, but the efficiency. If I wanted to do work myself, I wouldn't have to pay anyone anything at all! That's why I pay the college so THEY can do it.That said, I think college students are generally whinier than everyone else. Who'd have thunk that being broke, eating from dumpsters and being slave-driven to do homework would make someone whiny? I mean if that makes you whiny, what hope does any of the rest of us have? None. Definitely not our billionaires or millionaires that's for sure.

Back to the Basics

For this section I was looking on the internet to find ACTUAL proverbs I can use. I wanted to find a saying that I could somehow twist the meaning and make funny. Well instead I found an actual saying that IS pretty sweet.

"Do not use a hatchet to remove a fly from a friend's forehead"-Ancient Chinese Proverb

And since I'm lazy, I'm going to go to the quote bank...

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, 'It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than to be selfish and worry about my liver."-Jack Handy

Looking Out For The Less Phortunate

You know life is a very complicated thing sometimes. What is the meaning of life? This is a question that philosophers have pondered for almost all of eternity. There have been many cruel things that have happened to really good people and many good things that happen to the most rotten scum around. Like those mean kids who won't let the Trix rabbit get Trix. I mean the only thing the Trix rabbit wants in life is Trix and the kids refuse to let him have any. I mean have a heart children!!! Silly rabbit, Trix are for bullies.
In kind of the same way, the worst job in the world has to be the anonymous henchman. I mean he's not considered worthy of even having his name uttered. You see him on screen, but no name. Not in the credits, not anywhere. And when the hero attacks you, will you defeat him? No! So basically, you're worthless. You aren't worth a name and you can't win a battle. I think they should form a union and hold out for a better deal. Maybe an occasional victory. Maybe a name once in a while. Of course once you have a name, you can't be anonymous anymore so that defeats the whole point.
Also you have to feel for the people of Hungary. They've starved for long enough. I mean nobody even hears their message anymore. Obviously they must have been trying to tell us something when they named their land. Just imagine if a country with fire trouble named their country Burning. What do you think they'd be trying to tell us?! That they are okay with that? No, they'd be saying, "Get your butt over here and put us out!". The worst part of it all is that Turkey is right there. With all that turkey you think you could share some maybe.

And now the newly elected President of Burning With His State of the Union Address

Thank youIt has been a glorious day for myself and my family, but it is more a glorious day for this nation. Each and every one of you had a choice. Either get up and vote or burn in bed, and you chose to vote. You chose a future with less fires. Some have asked whether I can make a difference considering our country's name is "Burning". Well to the doubters I say that I will try my hardest to do that. Our previous leaders have tried everything to stop these fires: simply letting them burn, feeding them more oxygen, rubbing gasoline on the flames, but none of these plans has worked. As president we have many more innovative ideas. We are developing a giant magnifying glass that when the sun hits in just the right spot, may be able to extinguish the flames. However we ask for your patience in that this magnifying glass may not be able to be completed for at least twenty-five years. In the meantime however, we Burningites must show the world that we can move on in our lives. We can work while burning. We can sleep while burning. By golly, we can enjoy our lives while burning. So hold your head high and let the world see you blaze!

On one final note, the government has closed off all tourism to the land of Mysteriously Dying until further notice.

And that's a wrap

In conclusion, I'd like to apologize to all of those living in Saskatchewan for the Roughriders losing Sunday. And the fact that they have to live in Saskatchewan. But again, it could be worse. They could live in Winnipeg. But it could be worse yet, I could live in Winnipeg (It's really easy to make fun of Winnipeg as long as I have no readership there).
And as long as I don't....I'll be good. So yeah...Sunday is the Gray Cup. Another sad year without the league's premier franchise, the Stampeders in the game. Yes I know, CBC must hate the fact that Calgary's absence will hurt their ratings. On the bright side, CBC might get a viewer or two. So have a great week. Party down and up and over there and I'll see you in a Smitty's location near you.

Trevor YVR Plett

(Back by demand (I wouldn't say popular), it's the caption that you sort of can read if you look closely enough. Actually it's not that hard to read. It's a bit small, but it's not like it's a bad thing. That's how God made this font. And only HE knows why.)

Dull Days Ahead

The Cantaloupe

So now we enter the dead, most boring month of the year. That's right. November sucks! Hey, that said, does anyone remember when you weren't allowed to say "sucks" because it was a bad word. Those days were funny. Either way we have no holidays for two months. TWO WHOLE MONTHS! I mean it's kinda like that in the summer, except that you don't need holidays in the summer, because it's summer. Well since there's nothing of anything in November we need to make up some fun activities. Well here's some more suggestions...

I think to have fun you should start a lemonade stand on the street. Try and find a particularly cold day for this. Thus the lemonade will freeze. But cars will double take as they drive by. However the bitter cold might nullify all the amount of fun that this is. So instead let's find something to do inside.

Remember when you were a little kid and you played with action figures and dolls and stuff? What happened to those days? I mean you can make up so many stories and stuff just with your imagination. So much better than TV, that's for sure! And definitely better than computers! Now some of you may think I'm being sarcastic here, however you obviously don't know me well enough to know that I think both computers and TV are not so cool. And you also must realize I wasn't sarcastic on that last sentence or this one. Typing and sarcasm is a difficult thing to understand....just watch
Person 1-Hey you know what I did yesterday? I covered myself in honey and smashed bee's nests!
Person 2- Yeah, that's cool
Person 1- Much cooler than your day that's for sure
Person 2- YepNow pretty much you have no idea what was just said there because any of those sentences could be said seriously or sarcastically in any order. Just try reading them again in different ways. Even the first sentence could be sarcastic. That's the difficulty with typing.

You Know What I Hate?

That's right, belt buckles!

You Know Why I Hate Belt Buckles?

That's right, because they don't rhyme. Well other than with.....felt knuckles....or smelt duckles...wait....I want a smelt duckles. From now on the Cantaloupe's sports teams will be known as the Smelt Duckles.

A Recap of Last Night's Big Game

What a game! It was in the fourth quarter of a the game, the Smelt Duckles trailing the Radish Pirates 89-7. That's when the Smelt Duckles pulled out of their bag the amazing 110 point touchdown play to win! And by 110 point touchdown play I mean they fumbled, let the other team score and convinced themselves they had won so that they could erase the bad memories of the game.
In other news, the Smelt Duckles rugby team won the title. Of course by title I mean "Worst Team Ever". But it's the title nonetheless.

Question to Ponder

If you were a super villain in a movie, how would you try and take over the world?

Look ma, no hands! By the way, if I ever become a zombie all I ask is you give me a little taste of your brain, C'mon just a little! It won't hurt much.

Trevor YVR Plett