CNN presents Campaign 2004 Presidential Debate

We'd like to welcome you all to today's presidential debate. I've heard there are many issues to be dealt with and we will hear both candidates respond to them and whatever other things they have on their mind. So first I'll introduce the Dull Party candidate, Mr. Tim Generic

TIM GENERIC- Hello America

Next I'd like to introduce the We'd Like to have more Parties Party candidate, yes, The Cantaloupe itself.

The Cantaloupe- I'm not going to comment until my lawyers get here

Ahhh...I see. Aren't you representing yourself in court?

The C- Oh look, my lawyer just got here

Not that this is court....well...I suppose we can get underway then. Any opening statements, we'll start with you Mr. Generic

TG- I'd like to remind you all of the record of gross neglect on the part of our other candidate. We the people need a change! I promise to give the people a voice if I am elected. I promise to lower taxes, improve healthcare and the economy, create jobs, improve our relations to other nations, defend our nation from terrorists, save the environment and so on

uhhhh....and how do you promise to do all that

TG- I have a dream. I will fulfill my promises. I don't flip flop on issues.....or do I? No, I DO NOT FLIP FLOP

Good. Any opening comments from The Cantaloupe

The C- Well I'd like to say that if I am elected I will not be Tim Generic, not even for a second. I might try occasionally to morph into his body, but it is simply impossible. You the people of my readership never have to worry about Tim Generic being your leader if you elect me.

I see. There are a number of highly controversial issues at play here, however in the interest of our time, we'll avoid those altogether. I mean, c'mon, who wants to watch this debate anyway, let's speed it up! We have some questions to ask each of you and you will both get your turn to answer. Our first question is from Maurice Retorandofiddle of Indonesia, New York. He asks "What do you plan on do with all the extra money you will have after the diamond heist... I mean... "treasure hunting expedition"?

TG- If you elect me, I promise to give all the money back to you, the American people. You deserve it more than I do

The C- No they don't! You're Tim Generic! All that money might buy you a personality! As for me, I think that treasure hunts are fun. All the digging in the fields is tiring. That's why I need inscript most of you into slavery so you can dig for me. We'll all be rich! And by all I mean me.

"Would you still have time to publish your best-selling Cantaloupe?"

The C- If I didn't I would cease to exist, and would you vote for something that doesn't exist? Yes, you would.

"Would you cut your hair short?"

TG- We as a nation need to cut the hairs of injustice and racism. If we work together, we can make a difference. We must put streaks of ethics back into our land while maintaining the wonderful colour of freedom. Thank you.

The C- At least I didn't try and cut my hair myself. Why? Because that results in someone shaving off the entire sides and back of their hair. And that would suck.

"Would you dance on tables at the college?"

TG- Yes, I promise to dance at the planning table to find ways to improve education. Did you know our education ranks a miserable seventh in the world? This isn't right! We must dance out a solution or our kids will see a future where the might only have five cars and a large house.

The C- Having a dance party on top of tables would be fun as a matter of fact. I think that anyone in their right mind would join in. However once we had ten or so people on top of the table it might collapse, but it's kinda like stacking cups, you know it'll break sometime, but you have to try and build it up as much as possible before it breaks. Well as the old proverb says, "Keep plants seeds until the ground spits them back at you". That's my motto. Especially if you're stupid.

"Would you walk in the rain? Would you look down a drain?"

TG- We will not cave in to the demands of the rain. We simply will not negotiate with it. The people of America will withstand this downpour. They will continue to live their lives and enjoy their freedom. No drains will distract them. You cannot sway our nation with threats. We will fight back

The C- What is rain anyway but a really big shower? In fact it's clearly based off of showers. Have you ever heard of the song "Singing in the Rain"? Why would you sing in the rain, except that we were singing in the showers first! Well I tried using this invention in shower a few months ago. I dropped my soap down the drain though! And the girls who walked by didn't even want to crawl into the drain to retrieve it. I mean I didn't have any clothes on and they did! I have no protection. People in my country need to help those taking a shower in the rain, by jumping down into the drains.

"Would you cover up your buttons and then scramble over eggs? Would you eat starving kittens and devour chicken legs?"

TG- My administration will not force anyone to get an abortion. Only those who really want to have one will be allowed. Rarely will a mother who wishes to keep her child be killed. This is my solemn swear. We promise to send all the families who lost their mother to abortion a generous care package including three raisins and a box of chick peas.

The C- We at the Cantaloupe certainly do not condone violence against animals. We would like to tell everyone of this. However what we consider animals may be slightly different than what you think. We think animals are indestructible. Thus any animal that dies because of me simply hanging it upside down and using as a piñata is not truly an animal. Any kitten that is starving must be used to fill my empty stomach. Any kitten that is well and fed must be used to fill my empty stomach. It's a simple solution.

"Would you lick all the dishes? Would you cower in the thicket?"

TG- I promise that we will not waste any of the taxpayers money. If you are looking for competence, there's a reason you have not found it. That's because it's been hidden in my closet. But now I will bring it out. We promise any dishes we begin to lick will be licked. We will not cower away from any issues, especially not in a thicket.

The C- As president there is no way I will be cleaning any dishes, I'm far too important for such a task. Such things will be assigned to people I don't like for example. They'd be far better off cowering in the thicket than making me mad.

"Would you jump up and down? Would you promise never, ever, again to frown? Would you eat lots of butter? Would you summersault for supper?"

TG- Slow down. We need to take one thing at a time. If I am elected, we will look through every issue thoroughly. Is it better for the nation if we jump up and down. Should we use tax money to enable us not to frown. Is butter in the budget? Such issues need time and consideration.

The C- The Cantaloupe fully endorses all sorts of things. Somersaulting to the supper table is certainly one of them. In fact I plan to make such a thing law. We will become a much healthier nation once we somersault all the way home after eating our McDonald's. Our lack of exercise is one thing....one thing that will be solved when somersaulting becomes the only legal form of transportation.

"when you eat your smarties do you eat the red ones last?"

TG- We must educate our youth on this issue. Many of our youth are jumping ahead and eating the red ones first. Many of these youths are getting pregnant or dying. We need to encourage safe usage of the red ones. Perhaps even abstaining from eating the red ones until last. But education is the key. Or else our country will wither and die.

The C- The other day when I was eating my smarties I received a message from God. I had lined my smarties up in a line when i realized that I had just spelled the word "ooooooooooo" It was like an exclamation of surprise or something. What was God surprised about I asked? Well I figured they must be holy smarties, dedicated only for his usage. Well I promise as leader of this land to keep the sacred smarties safe at all costs, even if it means personally protecting them. And by that I mean eating them. And by eating them I mean I already have.

Okay, thanks both of you for answering our question even if they were from Nolan Arch...

The C- If I get elected, I promise never again to talk to Nolan Archer, except when he talks to me first or we're within 100 feet of a tree, or I have a left leg. Only under these circumstances will I even communicate with him.

Uhhhh....fine then. Lucky for us, we only have a two party system and we have to vote for one of these two fine candidates. I'm sure whoever gets the most votes will win, unless he doesn't. Any final thoughts?

The C- The Cantaloupe is going to promise you a few things. First of all, we will have many goats in our land. And they will be shaggy (or possibly shagging). And they will frolic. And we will have hot girls. What else can I say? A vote for me is a vote for hypocrisy! It sounds cool so it must mean something great!

TG- I'm appalled by the statements made by Mr. Loupe. To him you are just walking statistics with votes. To me you each have a name and a face. And a credit card. But mostly just a name and a face. Now on Tuesday, October 26, I urge all of you to float your named faces over to the voting booths and vote for me. Remember a vote for me is a vote for change. A vote for me is a vote for what is true and right. Do you like pizza? So do I. Do you like not getting massacred? So do I! We can relate, you and I. I'm just like the common man, I know what you think. I'm just a few billion dollars richer, that's all.

Thank you everybody for joining us for today's presidential debate. Don't forget to vote for president beginning Tuesday, October 26. Please tell us why you wish to vote for the particular candidate and vote now!

Citrus Flavor In A Bite-Sized Container

The Cantaloupe

You know I'm quite hungry right now. Apparently according to Amy that's not very funny. Well that's why you don't sit beside me and read ahead! Anyway now that she's stopped reading I can tell you what I was going to tell you. Yeah I'm hungry. My stomach is giving me heck. It's audibly telling me to eat lunch. That's the cool thing about stomachs. They actually talk to you. Well I always wondered what it'd be like if other organs told you things too. Like what would it be like if your bladder made a high-pitched wailing when it was full? Or what would it be like if your brain keep telling your heart, "pump me more blood or I'll force my hand to give the mouth high cholesterol foods". Well I think life would be a little bit more interesting that's for sure. Especially if you brain tried to clog your heart with gunk.

I Don't Want To Work, I Just Want to Bang On the Drum All Day

As many of you know, I go to school. As many of you also know, I work as a basketball referee over the weekend. Well I became jealous because another of my friend got to sing "Happy Birthday" 3 times at their job and eat cake. But then I thought, maybe I also could do that! I mean while some kid goes to hit a free throw I could break into happy birthday! Running up and down the court, I could be eating birthday cake. I could even have a party horn instead of a whistle!

Influencing the world one bad day at a time

I was reading one of the pamphlets for a guy running for Public School Trustee in Calgary and here's what he says he will do:
"Provide strong leadership in consultation with our communities, teachers and school administrators
Ensure every student has an equal opportunity for success
Increase technology and resource standards in our schools"
I don't know about you, but I don't know how you could vote for someone promising these things. Being a good leader? Consulting people who know? Who does he think he is, Mother Theresa?! I think a more effective campaign would say,
"Provide weak, unsteady leadership where I consult nobody except my magic 8 ball
Ensure that students I personally like do much better than uncool dweebs
Take all technology out of schools and give everyone nothing but bags of rice and a goat"
Actually to tell you the truth, I wish that we had a goat back in school. And we could feed the rice to the goat. This guy is a genius. I'm glad I voted for him. Goats are awesome!

Why did the cute little kitten get caught in a bear trap?

We have reader mail. I feel as if I was a success or something. Mail! Anyway I asked about the end of the Earth and dictatorship and play dough. Here's some responses....

"Hey, In accordance to the latest cataloupe.... You of course youd be supreme dictator... you are far older... And we would make a castle out of all the playdoh... RAINBOW!!! Everything playdoh!!! Mua hahaha"-Taylor B."

"I would never let you be supreme dictator. I never want to go to Siberia! Besides if you were Supreme Dictator you could set up camera surveilance at my house and see me do silly things like take off my pants when I weigh myself and then later when the world was populated again (I don't know how, maybe there will be a cloning machine by then and we can find hair folicles from cool girls...) they would all have access to these videos. Also if this dillemna occurs after Christmas I might be able to beat you in an arm wrestling match so if that's how we decide the winner...
And burn all the play dough factories! Play dough is salty and comes in boring ugly colours that remind me of ugly yellow lighting. Play dough itself can be kind of cool though. Like those old toys where you could grow their hair. I remember commercials for those. Maybe we can leave the play dough factories as an inheritance for our children. Someday when a history of everything is written, it can say, "when TJ was 14 years of age he became the first man to reclaim the Playdough Factories."-Nolan A.
Haha, I'll arm wrestle you anyday, loser gets sent to Siberia. You're the only one I can beat! Cloning would come in handy in such a situation though. But considering everyone on Earth will be either mine or your relative I don't think I want any of my daughters or wives watching videos of you taking your clothes off. And YES I do want to write awesome world histories. And since there would only be two people we could write any history we wanted about the time when people died and we repopulated it. We could be the heroes who survived when the rest of the world died!

"hey, in response to your plea, i think i, bridget, would definitely be the supreme dictator of the world and i would force everyone (ex: you) to obey me for my only demand would be that all the playdoh factories need to produce more for i long to see a world created from and of playdoh with towers high and wobbly and bright orange and neon green bridges that droop and sag in the middle. this would be ideal and would serve to settle my childhood dream which would eventually enable me to finally be able to sleep at night. thank you. over and out."-Bridget F.
So what I think you're saying is you won't be able to sleep unless everyone else dies and I build you tons of playdough buildings? There's a word for that....I think...oh yes...Insomnia. And no...playdough building is one of three cures, not the only one.

"I will take this burden upon myself and respond to your plea. If it was you and i left on this earth...i would be the dictator. Why youask? because i wouldnt spend my time thinking of what to witht the playdough factories. i would concentrate on things like...what if we were'nt the only ones left on the earth?....what if there are two more people in china! then by golly we would find that out...or what if there were zombies running all over the place like in that movie!!!??? we wouldnt know!....but we would sooner or later. my point here Mr. Mcplett is that, what good would it do to find out what to with playdough plants? (we could go swimming in play dough!!! i wanted to do that since i was a child!) "-Greg P.
Well I certainly would hope there were more people, because the more the merrier they all say. Although I don't know Chinese. So they better know English!Let's go for two in a rowHere's the question...Or the challenge maybe. I want you to ask me an elections style question. E.g. What is your opinion on children? or What do you plan to do about the awful children problem? or If you get elected, will you eliminate all children or do I have to do it myself?Til next time, I'll be chillin' (literally). Have a great week and I'll see you tonight. Yes, tonight. Sleep tight.

Trevor YVR McPlett

(White days like this I'll never miss. They only come 100 times a year. We ain't got no place to go, because there's been a white snow show. If I were a snowflake, falling on a tree, I'd give myself to the first awesome person, so he could make a snowball. Go and get your snowsuit gear, swing your girlie all around. We'll be dancing on the powder as the town is freezing out)

Still Shaking My Fist In Defiance

The Cantaloupe

The Cantaloupe is now much older than he was before. It was a sad day yesterday all around as I am now one year closer to my immanent death. Well okay, there are some good things about being older. Senior citizens discounts to name one thing. I can't wait for those. Also once I'm older I can get a comb over! Yay! So as you can see, being old is great. Maybe one day you'll all be as old as me.

Various Birthday related questions

On my birthday some young hooligans tried to attack me and give me a wedgie at school based on the date. I mean what's up with people trying to hurt people just because it's their birthday? Luckily I had a one litre bottle filled with Kool-Aid and I smacked both of them upside the head with it as hard as I could. Thus they no longer wished to get close enough to me to try such an endeavour. But where did this phenomenon of bad things on bdays come from? And why has it not gone farther than it has. Why not birthday torture for instance? Well I know why...law breakers go to jail. Speaking of jail, wouldn't it be kinda fun to leave a passage out of jails for criminals. Of course the passage would be filled with dangerous animals of all kinds. Basically there's only a slim chance they survive. But they'd get a chance for freedom. And we could broadcast in on live TV. Think of the ratings! Of course, at the end of the tunnel is a road without a crosswalk and even if they make it, arrest them for jaywalking.

Makes you wonder if we're just dreaming

A recent newspaper article I read was talking about the decline of reality TV. To which I said, "When has there ever been reality TV?" Personally I don't recall ever seeing anything on TV I thought was realistic. In fact, my life circumstances have been far more like a sitcom than anything else. I mean competing for a million dollars? That happens to me everyday. Picking one girl from a field of sixteen? All the time! Even the shows that are kinda reality involve the lives of celebrities which I know all of us certainly are. So I propose someone actually starts making reality TV. I nominate me. It'll involve going to classes, sleeping, eating, being bored and other realities of life. I'm sure the ratings will be through the roof!

Yellow makes the world purpler

This weekend was a great weekend too. Thanksgiving weekend! Now I know how much each and every one of you love thanksgiving, but anytime where it's okay to gorge yourself full is an awesome day for me. Luckily for me, I got to celebrate it twice (Sunday AND Monday). Now that got me thinking....I wonder how many times you could celebrate thanksgiving. If you found enough willing places, you could eat a morsel of everything at one place, then quickly drive to another place and eat another little bit of everything. Now let's assume you started at noon one day. Eating food (and giving thanks) takes 20 min. Driving between places takes 10 min average. By that logic you could eat at 2 places an hour. So by 8 (which we'll say is the end) you could have eaten thanksgiving dinner 16 times. I'm sooo wanting to try this next year. How would this not be cool?

The Cantaloupe presents things I am thankful for

Braille on the drive-by ATMs for when I don't feel like looking at the machine
Britney Spears, because apparently I've mentioned her more than any other celebrity and well she makes for good writing material
The few remaining great wooden "unsafe" playgrounds left
Driving on the bus, because today's youth are actually quite funny in an unintentional sort of way. But wait, aren't every generation when you really think about it
Life, because well I think it's the funniest thing out there.
Death, because when I die, I want to have something turning me over and over in my grave and it can generate electricity or something.

Question....Actually Plea of the Week

Anyways if any of you would like to submit anything to me for use in this space, it would make my day, or year. Like answering this question-

If we were the last two people on Earth, which of us would you want to be supreme dictator of the planet and what would we do with all the Playdough factories?

Thanks for reading, or hearing in the case of whoever might be having someone else read it to them. I can't discriminate against my blind readers, whoever they may be. However I most certainly will discriminate against my stupid readers by saying words such as conglomerate.

Trevor YVR McPlett

(Would this caption make me look fat?)