If Ever I Loved You, I Would Have Told You

Cantaloupe, The

Since the last issue I've decided to change one thing about this newsletter. I've decided that no longer will I so much as write it as direct it. What this entails I cannot say, however I will say this. I'm not actually doing anything different than I ever have before. So am I talking nonsense? Quick answer: Yes.

This Week's Sign of the Apocalypse

To me the decline of modern civilization became apparent to me the other day. Sure rampant murder, pornography, corruption and the like are rampant evils, but this has always been the case. These rates have not gone significantly up or down. For years critics tried to make cases for the decline of the western world. Well I never believed them until yesterday when I saw what has become of the playgrounds our kids play on. (Actually I don't think many of my readers have kids. And those who do, they aren't old enough to use such things yet. Well except for MY parents). Anyway I had noticed many of my favourite playgrounds torn down and replaced with crappy plastic abominations before, but recently it hit me. What are we teaching our kids? We tear down the fabric of our society when we destroy a great swing set and replace it with one half as tall. I can just imagine what logic caused this to happen. "What if my kid flies all the way to the moon?????" Well then take a satellite and rescue him if you love him so much! With the slippery slope we are travelling on soon playgrounds will be a plastic bump in the middle of a sandbox. I mean nobody will get hurt on a plastic bump. Oh wait, they will. How bout a foamy rock? Surely when that day comes, don't say you weren't warned, for ancient prophesies have foretold of a day when the world would be consumed with evil, and by evil we mean awful playgrounds. For shame, for shame. What abomination would could follow that? Russell Crowe winning an Oscar? The music industry constantly producing limited quality radio? Politicians who don't speak a word of truth? Never! Such things are impossible. But certainly when playgrounds begin sucking, such things are not far away.
Speaking of abominations, 7-11 recently started putting plastic wrapping on all their slurpee straws. McDonald's also recently began paper wrapping their straws. This is an outrage! Think of how much paper per day will get wasted as a result of this! Environmentalists should be up in arms over such things, however environmentalists are dumb. Well me, I wish I could boycott such places, but I can't. Why? Bacon. McDonald's gives me bacon. MMMmMM....bacon. Why I wish I had a pig farm just so I could go in there each day, cut a pig open and take his bacon....mmmm....that'd be tasty. Of course I bet if I did that, environmentalists would be all over me....typical.

To the Reader

Since I no longer get any new mail, I've decided to dip way back into the mailbag for a question that I forgot to answer. The question asks "why is it cool to be uncool". Example, Many years back kids all had to have new clothes, now it's cool to have old holey clothes. Well I would just say that when people think you're cool, they'll like anything you wear and if you're not cool people will hate whatever you wear even if you're wearing the same clothes as the cool people. However since such an answer is far too simple we'll answer this a different way. Pushing the limits is cool. Individualism is cool. Everyone trying to be an individual is cool. However it kinda defeats the point. Anyway guys aren't supposed to wear pink. Thus a guy confident enough to wear pink is a hero. Surviving high school is called confidence in yourself. If you accidentally forget to put on pants in the morning for example, well just act like it's the newest trend and soon enough everyone will "forget" to be wearing pants. Forget to shave for a year and soon enough, everyone "forgets" to shave for a year. It comes back to whatever the cool person does, the rest of the people follow. If a cool person jumps off a cliff, it becomes the newest craze. Or the newest cult ritual. However then again there are things that shall never catch on and things that shall always be cool

COOL or NOT COOL
Music from original Nintendo Bands with drummers worse than me (White Stripes, looking in your direction)
Long hair on guys Mullets on anyone
Cheap clothes that last Expensive clothes that don't last
Hats (not caps, hats) Guys only wearing Speedos

Remember always, Britney Spears has the initials B.S.

TreVor "YVR" PleTT

(The Cantaloupe wishes it didn't have to tell you this news. Certainly it wishes that someone else were to tell you. It's hard to hard, but your mother and I are splitting up. We still love each other it's just better this way. You'll still get to see both of us. We'll probably have a long custody battle over you, but that just shows how much each of us loves you. Then the loser will probably attempt to kill the one of us who wins, but again that just shows the extent to which we will bring our love. Then when I, The Cantaloupe am the sole remaining parent, there will be no more pain from this divorce and you can get back to whatever the heck you do, whatever your name is.)

Remember The Melon

Cantaloupe, The

I haven't given you guys an update lately on Yerov's situation and I'm really sorry about that so...Yeah I apologize.

In The Year 2000....In The Year 2000

By the way for those that don't know, this is a bit Conan O'Brian has been using for years and after 2000 he couldn't just change the name so it basically just refers to the future...okay?

-The Little Engine that Could's success story lessons when he becomes the little engine that could of if he hadn't become a drug addict
-Someone will finally discover a hill in Saskatchewan only to step on it and have ants crawl up his pants
-The newest and greatest Broadway musical turns out to be a colossal failure after Winona Ryder steals the show.
-Tensions in the Middle East are finally ended when both sides agree to drop their weapons, join hands and sing. Unfortunately they did this on a field covered with land mines.
-At the 2004 Summer Olympics people running the marathon event will discover that it in fact isn't a short race.
-Ben Affleck agrees to star in the next Olsen Twins effort tentatively titled "The Worst Movie Ever Made"
That's good enough for today

The Bachelor

Speaking of future events, my brother is getting married in oh....a week and a half. CRAZY! Yes in fact it is tre crazy! Anyway as great as that will be my wedding shall be much funner. I figure it'd be fun to get people who look identical to the bride and groom (aka me and my bride) and get them to do the ceremony up until the point where the minister asks anyone to speak now or forever hold your peace. Then me and my bride would break into the building, tied up with duct tape over our mouths. Then after untied we would tell everyone that these people were deadly fugitives from the law trying to steal our lives. Then when the "criminals" tried to escape we'd become the heroes by taking them down ourselves. That would be superfun, especially if those people weren't real and it happened again another 3 or 4 times until nobody knew who we were anymore.

To the Reader

As a writer, without you the reader I would be nowhere. Okay I'd still be here, but without you I'd uhhhhh.....well actually you suck. Actually you're okay. Anyway I encourage you to keep passing this thing on even though it's not coming out so often anymore. In fact I need you to help me take over the world eventually. But I also need you to give me a mailbag to answer mail from... So instead of one weekly question I present you with three

Question # 1- What is the meaning of life? (Note- Your answer must mention both spatulas and Brad Pitt)
Question # 2- If earth were overpopulated to the extent that nobody could move they were all packed together so tight, what would you do and would diet cola still be awful?
Question # 3- If The Cantaloupe were an employee at a large heartless multi-national corporation, what plans would The Cantaloupe come up with to help the corporation make more cash?

Thank you for your patience and I hope that you all die in about 70 to 90 years.

TreVor "YVR" PleTT

(The Cantaloupe never intended to offend anyone other than people between the ages of 7-86. If you have been offended...you should write your Member of Parliament about it.)

Ode To The Home Team

The Cantaloupe would like to salute the Calgary Flames in whom The Cantaloupe trusts. Thus here is the Calgary Flames commemorative issue

The Cantaloupe

Those of whom have been fortunate enough to be in Calgary over the last month or so have also been fortunate enough to bask in the collective glow of the world's greatest hockey team, The Calgary Flames. Now for those of you lucky people that live in Calgary you've also probably read enough about the Flames to make you want to throw up. Actually no. You haven't. But still if you hated hockey, then you might not wish to live at this point. Anyway I for think we need to kick the celebrations up a notch. Since we are the Flames, why not burn down the cities of Vancouver and Detroit? If they object, well they should have won instead of losing. Now help us with the pouring of gasoline. If Vancouver had beaten us they would have been perfectly okay to spread Canadians (Canucks) throughout Calgary. Same with Detroit. They could have given us many red wings. However it is them who lost so we shall burn their cities down.

Speaking of hockey games, stats show that crime rates in the city go down as hockey games are on. So what does this mean? That's right, hockey fans are criminals. Therefore it'd be perfectly okay for cops to wait outside the Saddledome and arrest everyone inside. Of course they wouldn't want to do that. Why? Because we need the arsonists to burn things.

Last night I drove around and honked my horn, like many others did. Well horns seem very stale. What would cause more noise is driving cars into things? Crashing is much louder than honking. Let's do both at once.

By the way, my favourite Flame is Ville Niemenen. That guy is awesome. Imagine for a second if while playing hockey he lost his arm. Do you think he'd still be smiling? I think he would.

Hockey's ratings, while always great in Canada have never been great in the States. Fox even tried to increase ratings by creating the "fox puck" which caused the puck to look like a comet when shot. I've figured out a way in which hockey can increase viewership among a certain demographic. I call it, digitally causing all players to look like Orlando Bloom. Immediately many more teenage girls will watch.

Future-Flames over Sharks in 6

TREVOR "YVR" McPlett