Woe is the Cantaloupe, Published by the Ink of Dying Souls

The Cantaloupe

The month of May is a crazy month is a person's life. Not only does a person have to do things, but they have to not do things as well. How do they know which things to do and which things to not do? Well somehow it's in our nature. Oh yes, and you need to remember the girlfriend's birthday or you will die. Die a terrible death!

The deep and terrible thoughts of one who lacks insight

One thing I have noted about the internet these days is it seems people like to tell other people about their own lives. I suppose I'm not too different in that regard. I like me and all the better to tell you about me, right? Well a lot of people (like me) think they are the most important person in the world and thus everybody else wants to hear that they brushed their teeth with petroleum. Oh now that's exciting (sarcasm intended)....(no wait, was the sarcasm intended?). Now blogs are fairly amazing or exciting or exazing if you're Tom Hanks, but how do you exaze people when you're not Tom Hanks? Here's a few rules that you need to know if you haven't ever done a blog before, or even if you have.

Be as depressed as humanly possible
Everytime you mention how much woe is in your life you gain a reader. People like to hear stories of people who have it worse than they do so they can feel better about themselves. When you read how a person is on their wit's end and they can't survive much longer you think "Great! I can still drop further to hit that level!" Then you cheer up. So if you want your blog to be read, whine about everything and talk about all the struggles in your life.

Blogger Bobger- Hmmm....it's been a fairly good day. I won the lottery, met the love of my life, was thrown an appreciation party for my recent volunteer work. What should I write about?
That part of you that helps you write blogs- Well you see, things will never be as good as they were today. Write about how it's all going to be downhill from here and it'll never get as good.

So you see, the more you hate life, the more people will like you. Or something like that. What if you have nothing to complain about? Life is peachy for you and you can't seem to find anything to complain about. Well guess what? You can't write a very good blog with that kind of life now can you? Blogs are status symbols and all so you won't be very cool anymore. There, now you have depression.
Another good thing to remember is to build your life around your blog. Make sure to act desperate around the opposite sex so that you don't get a girlfriend/boyfriend. Make sure you don't get too many friends so that you can spend time alone and brood. These are small sacrifices to make if you want to have a good blog.

Use a whole bunch of fruity metaphors and such
People who are struggling can't simply come out and say, "I'm struggling." Nobody wants to read that. How will you attract pity from your fellow man that way? The answer is you can't. Nobody cares if you're struggling. What you should write is that you're "bubbling in the cauldron of despair". That way people will say, "Oh no, Bobger is going to be part of a stew" and that's a reassuring thought. Make everything sound more dramatic and embellish things. You got a papercut? No you didn't. You stabbed yourself with the fiber of the earth. If you use normal language, why do you need to blog? Why not just talk to people? Convenience, simplicity? Nah! Blogs are popular and you must bend to such pressure.

Toss in random Links
Links are fun because they bring you to other places on the web. They don't really do much other than make your blog SUPER AWESOME! Why do they do this? I don't know, but maybe it's because they distract people who go and look on other sites from the fact that your blog isn't that exciting. But they're also fun.

Throw in the most pointless details ever known to mankind
Blogs are about details and you can't just tell someone the straight story. You need to "spice" it up by adding stuff. If you want to describe your day, here's how it should be...

Bobger- At 7:30 a.m I opened my eyelids. This caused the dim light of the room to fill my eyes and I gained vision. I proceeded to shift my weight from my bed onto the floor by moving my legs over and downwards. Thus I stood up. I noticed I was in my underwear which looked as if I had owned it for 300 years of hard labor. I thought, "maybe I should purchase new underwear". I stood there deep in thought for about two seconds. If you had been there you probably would have been like, "dude, you're off in space again!" That's how bad it was. Usually on a day like this I would look around the room starting from the north side and move my eyes in a counter-clockwise direction, but today for some reason I moved my eyes clockwise starting from the west side...

You see, if you want to have a popular blog, you need to add color and flesh things out.

Be confusing
Unedited thoughts are the norm. What's the point of a coherant blog? Coherancy is the devil's plaything or so it is in the blog world. If you ramble on without any point you'll confuse people who can't figure out where you're going. It also creates an illusion that you're smarter than people. If you tell them, "Ulrich J. Deirhoffen was the greatest philosopher of our time, talking about how people philosophize and then he died." they will be like, "I don't get it. He was a philosopher and then he died. How does that make him great?" They'll be just about to tell you about it when they think to themselves, "Wait, what if this guy I've never heard of IS really great. I'll look stupid!" Since they can't reason with you, they'll assume you know what you're talking about. Thus you'll be the greatest thing since sliced turkey.

So without further ado I am going to demonstrate how to write a great blog by writing about an actual occurance in my life using all of the points listed above. Yes, I'm going to write about the wedding I went to over the weekend involving two good friends.

The Wedding that Put my Heart in a Wood Chipper

Over the weekend I got to attend this wedding. It was at Grace Baptist Church. The ceremony was supposed to start at one o'clock, but I bet it only really started at one sixteen. A few things struck me during this ceremony. One thing that struck me was a foam dart. It hit me with the force of fifteen elephants jumping off a trampoline into a brick wall. I wish I could be married. As I watched the bride in her dress as beautiful as a sunset holding a bouquet of flowers walk down the aisle, raising her left foot and putting it down and then her right, I thought how cool it'd have been if I had been the one in the dress, I mean not the one in the dress, but the one on stage. I became terribly depressed that day, but not depressed enough to be sad, just depressed enough that it wasn't the greatest day of my life. Depression is the act of depressing which means a lot to me, but it doesn't mean much to other people. All in all, it was a fantastic day for Nathan and Lauren, but not for me. You see they were the center of attention and I wonder if I ever will rule the world with a fist so iron-clad that not even Superman could break it. As I was going to bed I stuck my head onto a pillow, one that I had used for many years. My hair moulded to the shape of the pillow, it didn't go throught the pillow. On top of me was a blanket, blue, but it may as well have been the blanket of sorrows, burying me underneath it's weight. This day was a 8.5 out of 10. Would I ever have a day that got a 10 out of 10? My days are simply awesome when they could be totally completely awesome.

On to the Ridiculous

Yes, that's my life. It's complicated. Now you see why I don't write "blogs" very much? It's because I would put you all to "shame". But here's your chance to make up for it. If you give me a paragraph blog about something that happened to you using the five rules of blogs I have given you I will reprint it. That can be a substitute for the Question of the Day feature I have in a usual Cantaloupe issue. That question is "Can you please do what I told you to do?"

Yemen, Oman and possibly Saudi Arabia

Remember always to live your life as if it is a blog. I'm a terrible model. I have fun in my life and you guys shouldn't. Fun does many bad things like put you at risk of dying. Why would you want to die? No fun for you. Fun is bad, living is good. Smiling takes muscles. Don't use them. Keep a straight face. Seriousness does wonders for your energy levels. Etc.

Trevor YVR Plett

(I am awesome, awesome, I am the awesomest! No no no, you can't handle this. A subtitle? You can't handle a subtitle? That is awesome, but not the awesomest like you could be. Work on that.)

Occupation of the Book

The Cantaloupe

I we shall make this a yearly tradition or something. I like yearly traditions. I feel not nearly enough of the people who read this know the real Trevor and well I'd like to fill you in on that. I'd like to show you my diary.

DEAR DIARY
I got a new job today at some company called Westalphobiatron. It's a pretty sweet company. They've got so many benefits, health, dental, emotional, you name it they have it. I'm starting right at the very bottom of the food chain. I get to do whatever it is that I do. I'm sure someone will tell me. I had this "training" session yesterday and they just kept rambeling on about something or other. Give this person this and give that person that. There's not really much reason to know what I'm doing at this position, because I'll be so good at it that I'll easily move up. In fact, we all know soon I'm going to be making $21 an hour. Not this measily $9. But I really don't have to worry about that. I think this training guy (I believe his name was Frank) was talking too much. Doesn't he know I have thinks to think about? I can't just think about work all the time he should know. Well at least not the work that he wants me to do. Make copies, file reports. Whatever. I won't be doing it for long, so whatever.

DEAR DIARY
I've been on the job for a week now and it's been going swimmingly. I think my boss has noticed my potential. Certainly he has had to by now. He yelled at me once for some reason, something about "report being due". He knows by now that's below me. I keep thinking about the big office I'll have. How it looks out on the downtown core. Seeing all the little people walking below through my huge windows. Remembering how I used to be one of those little meaningless people. Not anymore I'm not. It's really just a matter of days until I get that office. Daydreaming makes the day go faster I always say, but really why do I need to make the day faster? It's about as good as it gets really. How could it get any better?

DEAR DIARY
It's been three weeks at my new job and they still haven't promoted me. Since it's April I've kind of assumed maybe this is some April's Fool joke or something like that. Today for example my boss called me into his office and he was telling me about how I wasn't doing my job or something like that. Dude, is there a hidden camera in here? I'm not fooled. We both know I'm going to be a difference maker for this company and I'm going to get started on it. Very shortly everyone will know the name of Westalphobiatron. Everyone will know what great things the company does. Wait, what does the company do? I suppose I'll have to look that up once I'm in charge as C.E.O. here. Then I'll get to be the one pulling pranks like this. It's really funny, because the cheque I got later in the day by the company was still the same salary I started at. Obviously they made some sort of mistake there, because who's heard of a promotion without a raise in salary. That's just ridiculous! I wonder, should I take my wife out for dinner to celebrate or should we stay in. I mean there are big things in my future. My boss is going on vacation in a couple of days, and when he leaves, I know who's going to take over his job and not give it back. That's right! Me.

DEAR DIARY
The boss called me into the office again today and he finally acknowledged my excellence. He had one final thing to do before he went on vacation. I knew what it was going to be. Again he rambled on for a little bit before he got to the point, but I wasn't listening. I could just see my picture on the cover of Time Magazine after I put Westalphobia on the map. I'll be one of the hundred or so richest men in the world. People will come from far and near to hear my give business advice. Yes, I'll be wise and sage. I'll always be a dreamer though, one step ahead of the game. It was about this point that my boss concluded by handing me this pink note of paper. He was saying something about "regret to inform you" or whatever. Well I already knew that. It's always hard to give up your job to someone else. I mean he's practically firing himself by handing his job over to me. Boy is he ever done. When he left, I took the liberty of removing all of his stuff from his office and replacing it with my own. I spent four hours looking in the mirror in the corner giving myself trademark looks. I'll have to have one when I'm famous. In fact, it'll be that look that makes me famous. Who can say no to a debenaire young go-getter like myself? Now really, it's hard.

DEAR DIARY
I picked up the paper this morning to find my picture in on the front page. Oh wait, that's not me, that's Tom Hanks. Well work today was fairly eventful. My ex-boss came back from his vacation and boy was he upset that I had taken his job and moved all of his stuff out. Well I'd be upset too if that happened to me. He was saying something about security and I wanted to say the same thing honestly. That way the person who is in charge can be identified. When the security arrived I told them to throw my ex-boss out and he got mad, because he says I should be thrown out. Yeah right, buddy, I'm the future of this company. At this point, I begun to feel frightened for some reason. What if my ex-boss was vengeful and he wanted to take action against me? The security might not be able to stop him. He could have a stapler and maybe a nail file or something else incredibly dangerous. So I did what any sensible person would do. I took out my shotgun. Well the look on everyone's face was priceless. Now who was terrified? That's right! He was. But why did the security guys look so scared? They knew what I was doing and why I was doing it, didn't they? Can they not handle the pressure of their job? Well I decided right then and there that I couldn't be president of this company that hires useless security guards that are afraid of credible people holding shotguns. "I quit", I said, and proceeded to take my stuff and go. Well, I'm unemployed, but not for long. It took a lot of courage to leave that company. Hmmm...a policeman is coming to my door. Probably to hear how I heroically defended myself, well diary I'll write back when I can. I'm sure I'll get a medal of honor or something.

Tomorrow and the Wildebeast

I didn't ask you a question last time and I think I might regret it if I didn't ask a question this time. I like questions. They're awesome so I'll do it. Here we go..."Why did I call this 'The Cantaloupe'? What's the larger story behind it? Is it a government conspiracy perhaps? Use your imagination."Remember that previous issues will eventually be posted completely at http://thecantaloupe.blogspot.com and you will be able to read them all.

Trevor YVR Plett

(Apparantly I end up in jail a lot in these "Diary" issues. Well two of the three issues. By now I know the jail system quite well. If only I could learn to stop thinking so far ahead of myself. It'd be healthier I think, don't you? You don't? Why not?)

Honk If You Love Badgers

The Cantaloupe

Well I have a lot to say and very little time to say it. Okay I have time to say it, it's just you may not, so I'm going to waste it with some amusing commentary on life and me and you. So over the weekend I was up in our province's "wonderful" capital city, Edmonton. Because my "wonderful" friend Nathan is getting married to a "wonderful" girl, we had to go and celebrate it by taking him on a wild ride. Yes, this was the so-called bachelor party. Yes, and it was "wonderful". We did lots of cool things.

"Wonderful" Truths and Lies

On the way up to Edmonton we drove together in a three car convoy. It was pretty cool. Either way we had received this construction paper and markers on which we could make signs to communicate with people. Well, my quick thinking friend Dan decided to make a sign saying, "Give the Green Neon the Finger". We showed this sign to all of the cars that passed us. Well apparantly a couple of them headed the sign's warnings. This made me wonder what kind of power signs have over people. I'm not necessarily questioning some people's intellegence, but...

Bartlet (young teenager, 12)- Daddy, I reckon that road sign says to finger the green neon.
Farmer DeYontis (country hillbilly, not actually a farmer though)- So it does, boy, but remember what I says about signs by the side of the road.
Bartlet- They're possibly put there by the devil?
FDY- Yes son, so you have to be careful. "Finger the Green Neon" seems to be on the level, but I'm certain "Maximum: 110 km/h" is put there by some devil. You can't drive that slow, boy.
Bartlet- What about that sign? It says that our self-esteem sucks.
FDY- What?! Those idiots in the government always stickin' it to us folk. That reckons me we go and free some raccoons in their houses.
Bartlet- Again? That's boring! We always let loose raccoons.
FDY- Now quit your fussin' like. The government needs to be taught not to stick signs like that in car windows.

Origami, Salami and White Cheddar

So once we were in Edmonton we got to dress Nathan all up-ons in fun garb such as yoga pants, a fuzzy pink hat and large pink feather boa. This apparantly is a bachelor party sort of tradition to make the to-be groom dress in outrageous stuff and then parade them about. It's supposed to be embarassing and demeaning to them, but who does it demean really? If you see a group of people with one person among them dressed wackily you think, "Hmmmm....guy dressed strangely, but those guys seem not to mind it. Guess it's okay."Overall it isn't demeaning at all. If you really want to make the groom look bad, why don't you all dress up crazy and leave the bachelor person dressed normally? Now when you see the group of people you think, "Hmmmm.....why on earth is that normal guy hanging out with a bunch of creeps?" You see, nobody judges the sanity of people who are insane. It's those people who appear to be sane that people judge.

The Bag Of Goodies

What's sad with me is I wait a long time to answer questions and then I can never ask anymore questions. Well enough of that nonsense! I'm going to answer the question about whether a spatula or laundry detergent would be more helpful on a deserted island.

"Duh! The spatula. You can't serve imaginary pie to all your visiting friends who for some reason don't rescue you, with laundry detergent."-Jason P, Calgary
And why not I ask? The best kind of imaginary pie is serving with laundry detergent. Maybe that's why they don't rescue you. They're insulted by the fact you'd rather serve them with an impractical spatula rather than a super awesome bag of laundry detergent.

"laundry detergent! You can't eat a spatula now can you? Detergent is good for you, cleans out your system. It multipurpose. Its shampoo, bubble bath, food, warrior paint, exfolliater, and drink mix, all in one."-Melissa C, Calgary
I can't argue with this reader. Girls are always right or at least my mother has told me. Don't forget laundry detergent is a great weapon as well. As the wild boar is about to gore you with his tusks you pull the detergent out and throw it in his eyes. That way he'll be blinded, keep coming and gore you anyways. You might be dead, but boy will that boar ever wish his eyes didn't sting as much!

"What on earth could you do with detergent? Nothing! Besides burn your skin. Spatulas are an essential part of cooking - they reduce waste! Now since your waist is being reduced already by living on this island, I think you need to be concerned more than ever about food waste, so the spatula comes to save the day!"-Nolan A, Calgary
I can just see it. You somehow killed that wild boar and have been roasting it over a fire. You are eating right off the bone. Since your waist is smaller you can't eat as much as you used to and you have left over boar. So you have to get that meat off the bone somehow so you can store it in your tupperware container. How else other than a spatula? I don't know.

"I would most certainly pick the spatula... how else would you flip over your bacon so you can eat it and then spill on yourself so you would need the laundry detergent in the first place......"-Karla K, Calgary
Mmmmm...bacon. You've won me over. What would life be like without bacon? Fine, the spatula wins.

"'I don't care'... That should answer the question."-Cyler P, Calgary
That's a terrible attitude. One day Mr. Parent you are going to be trapped on an island. Your motorized boat of some sort will crash into a diving pelican and you will be on a sinking ship with laundry detergent on your left and a spatula on your right, knowing you can't possibly take both. If you leave that decision until the last minute you are going to leave it up to chance. Do you really want that? Do you? Knowing every day for the rest of your cursed existance that you made the wrong choice? I think not.

Should I help you out in making this choice? I think maybe I shall give you all a quick guide of things to quickly take with you when you are pressed into a crisis of this magnitude. So here are a number of things that you should look over before you take an item. If it doesn't fit anything on this list, don't bring it.

1) TASTY
This covers bacon and you'll always need bacon.
2) CARRIABLE
When you're about to jump into the water and trying to swim to shore, you'll probably get a desire to take your 1000 pound plutonium statue of Mother Theresa. Yes, she was a great person and deserves to be remembered, but it's a better option to take the tiny pin with Vladimir Lenin's picture on it. Otherwise you may find yourself walking on the bottom of the ocean for a while and most people's lungs find it a wee bit difficult converting oxygen in water.
3) HELPFUL TO YOUR APPEARANCE
When you are trapped on an island, one of the first things that happens to people is they begin to let themselves go. They grow a scruffy beard and the hair is unkempt. Is that a good way to make an impression? I think not, personally. If you take pride in your appearance you'll feel better about yourself. So before you flee a sinking vessel, stop by the washroom and grab a razor, maybe some hair products, possibly some laundry detergent (apparantly it's an exfoliater).
4) MOVING ON IT'S OWN POWER
Before leaving the ship, you must remember that living organisms will help ensure your survival. If you can train them properly, they may come in handy as a worker, or if not, they are usually a food source. Your wife will probably fall into this category. If she is lying there on the deck, give her a kick and see if she moves. If she does, then you can take her ashore. If the refridgerator is sliding across the deck, first make sure it's not the gravity pulling it down before you lug it onto your back.

So based on these rules, let's say you have a choice between taking a 1000 pound half lizard-half cow creature that blows bubbles and some matches, you have to look at these four things. The only advantage the matches have is that you'd be able to get them to shore. Other than that, the creature will taste better when you cook it. It will definitely help your appearance, because food makes you not look like a starved person. And it's moving, so you should take it. Just because that creature attacked your ship and caused it to sink is no reason to run away screaming. Just because it's bubbles are poisonous simply to the touch is no reason to cry like a school girl. You're a survivor and you will survive.

Curtains and Retinal Scans

May is upon us. The summer is coming. Will I have explain what that means in an upcoming issue? Maybe. Will I have to eat in the meantime? Yes. Will you? Well you don't HAVE to. But do, okay? Thanks

Trevor YVR Plett

(The origin of the half-lizard half-cow creature is found in the land of Norway where they decided that the lack of deadly beasts was causing their people to become "soft". So they attracted the lizard to the cow by giving the cow pills that made it incredibly sultry. Yes, that cow was pretty attractive. Especially during the lizard mating season. Well the results were almost too good. This new creature which I'm going to call a Joybirdfish killed many off the people in the country and has recently been proved to be immortal. The people became petrified which the government decided was close enough to being tough. The End)