Very This

The Cantaloupe

I don't understand this world sometimes and why I have to get up and travel to school and be at a 8:15 class, but these are the realities of a stupid world so whatever. I might as well write about it, right? I'm sure many of you having to get up as early or earlier have a lot of sympathy for me right?

Going to the Polls

Okay peoples let's talk about things. The federal election is coming up and yes, I have strong feelings about it. Right now, I'm a little frightened because a certain party might win. They haven't been in power in the last ten years and they might completely wreck our country. Of course, I mean the Marxist-Leninist Party. Do NOT vote for the Marxist-Leninists no matter what you do. If they win the election, they'll do to our wonderful country what they did to many other well established countries like Russia, give them a cool name and a cool flag. Do we want that? No! While we naturally seem highly prepared for a so-called "cold" war (we should be able to out cold anyone), giving up democracy would be a bad thing to do in my books. Yes I know both Marx and Lenin had really cool facial hair, but having facial hair doesn't make you a rock star. Now if Marx had been in a death metal band, maybe that'd have made his party worth voting for, but no. He was simply an author. And who wants to vote for a party started by an author? Not me, that's for sure! That's why, just like most people, I believe elections should be based on a popularity contest with the coolest person representing us.

King Richard the Lion-Necked

Wait, I'm sorry about that. Was I just talking politics there? Ouch, I've really stooped to a new low. Or maybe that's already been done. Thursday I was walking through the University of Calgary, mainly because I was going to get me some Relient K tickets at the Ticketmaster there while I had free time to do so. There was one particular advertisement there that caught my attention. It was a ad for Alesse, a birth control pill. So basically the ad had two women and they say they're "on a mission". That got me thinking? What's the mission? To not have kids? They sure aren't aiming at a very lofty goal there if that's their mission. I mean I've gone twenty-two years without having kids and I know a lot of people who have gone a lot longer than me. So what kind of mission other than that can you embark on with birth control pills? Nothing, that's what. Personally I've always thought birth control pills are misleading based simply off the name in the first place. It's not as if you can guarentee birth or not by using them. That would be true "control". Maybe what Alesse is saying is they've made pills that enable you to have kids. No father needed. Maybe that's the mission part. Very interesting. I might need a volunteer to try it out. Any takers?

Simply the turquoise

Before I end this issue, I have to go back to politics, I'm sorry. To handicap the coming election I went back to one of my old rivals, but a good guy, Mr. Tim Generic.

The Cantaloupe- So who do you think is going to be the next Prime Minister of Canada?
Tim Generic- Well the people of Canada deserve a Prime sort of minister rather than the minister who is lesser.
The C- What does that even mean?
TG- Canada needs a leader who isn't mean, but one who takes into consideration what everyone needs, which is a good leader. Someone like Tim Generic.
The C- So why didn't you run in the election?
TG- Leading a country isn't a sprint. Running will only burn out a country and its resources. To be a great leader, you be able to sit on the sidelines and make the right decisions.
The C- How does that work?
TG- We need a leader who will work for the good of all and not one who will prematurely run to be elected, wearing out our people, many of whom already work hard at their jobs and deserve to have a leader rather than someone who is tired like them.
The C- So in summary, you want to be Prime Minister, but you aren't going to run in the election and you're not going to do anything once in power, because it'd be too much work.
TG- I'd be the ideal by which this country could strive to become
The C- Certainly a difference maker.

There you have it. Vote for Tim Generic even though you can't.

Nuevo Timoto

I feel like presenting another question to you the most esteemed reader. So here it is."If you woke up in the morning and found an ostrich in your bedroom, what would you do?"That's it for today. Have a pleasant pleasantry.

Trevor YVR Plett

("And the Lord did grin, and the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orangutans and breakfast cereals." "Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants." "Boy, I'll tell you, heh. They only come out at night. Or in this case the daytime." "The world is probably funnier to people who don't live here." Yes it's quotes from various places of fun that I stole. I'm a stoler. What can I say?)

Community Of Peace and Love

The Cantaloupe

Okay folks, the year is 2006. All you know about it is that there has been a little bit of it. It's unknown. You think, "This is the year everything changes for the better". But you should know better, because you say that every year. It doesn't change for the better, silly, it changes for the worst. Don't you know that every time you say "I'm going to lose weight" it really means you'll gain one hundred and fifty pounds. And now you can just say that I'm a pessimist, but maybe you should heed my advice and plan to gain a hundred and fifty pounds if you know what I mean. That way you'll lose that much weight instead. I know my ideal weight is around twenty pounds, how about yours?

The Missed Holiday

Well it passed for another year with nobody caring about the Cantaloupe's birthday. Yes, it was last Thursday (January 4th). It turned two. Thanks everyone. Thanks a lot. Now I did get one e-mail entitled "Happy Birthday to the Cantelope". And it's only because this person overheard my lament. Here's the message I got was "Soory, it's belated". Well all I know is this is clearly no friend of the Cantaloupe's. Not only did they spell the name wrong, but they didn't even really apologize. All they said was "soory". However since this is the only one the Cantaloupe got, it must mean this is in fact the best friend of the Cantaloupe. Oh well, I guess that's what it gets for being an inanimate thing, no respect. If it had feelings, it'd be hurt and embarassed and hurt some more.

Holiday Traditions

Yes, the season is basically over, but it's still fairly fresh in our minds. Christmas is a truly wonderful time, because people are more friendly and generous (for the most part). It's great because even through the New Year people are nice to each other. Everybody from accountants to common theives will help others in need. However once the season in forgotten, people change. Now I ask, it is truly generosity to give to someone then in a couple weeks, take it back? Yes, I am talking to the common theives. But why the difference in behavior? It's as if there were a behavior traffic light that is green for mean most of the year and then at the beginning of December turns to yellow and then red to stop the meanness. Then a few days into January, turns back green. Why do you think that is? Is it the realization of what Christmas is all about that changes people or it is all the eggnog they drink. Perhaps it is the fact that people don't work. However my guess is that people really are nice around Christmastime, because of Santa Claus. For most of the year, you forget about him. You don't have to be good, because you forget that he gives presents to the "nice". Then all of a sudden you sing "he knows if you've been bad or good so be good for goodness sake" and you realize that if you don't make up for eleven months of badness you won't get any presents. Now what I have always wondered is why Santa is actually fooled by this behavior. Why doesn't he realize it? Well I guess he hibernates most of the year. He looks a lot like a bear anyways doesn't he?

The Common Misconception

People nowadays are quite down on the arts and society as a whole. There isn't a lot of new ideas they say. People take other people's things and call it their own. Well this might be true on a lot of levels, but it certainly isn't when it comes to kids. You see, while music is a lot the same, when people go to have kids, they come up with things that are completely unique. Based on what people do with other things, adoption really should be more common than giving birth to something yourself. I mean it's not a lot of work or pain either. You just grab a kid and go. Unlike creating a child. There's a lot of things that go together to do that. First you (Editor's note- We had some technical difficulties. I'm sorry, but we accidently lost some of this article. Oops). Then after many hard months and hours, you have a child that you created yourself. If you adopt you skip all that hard work. Also if you adopt you get to pick the cream of the crop if you want. A lot of adopted kids already have names so that makes it easier as well. But do people adopt more than they give birth? No! So how can you claim the we don't come up with new things, because we can't put the effort in? Don't give me all this logistical nonsense, I'm sure it's possible to adopt a kid who has never been given birth to.

Often Rarely

The year has begun and I want to make the most of it. Can my resolution be to put out the best Cantaloupes I can? Maybe they shall and maybe it will be the best year. The Simpsons season three was better than one and two and perhaps was the best season ever. Can I duplicate that success or have I jumped the shark? Let's certainly hope not.

Trevor YVR Plett

(2006 reasons to read the Cantaloupe this year. One- What else are you going to read? Two- Subtitles, we have them. Three- Melons are fantastic. Four- Unicorns and fairies have been known to read The Cantaloupe. Five- I make up reasons that aren't really true. Six- I comment on my reasons. Seven- I have lists that the numbers are completely in the correct order. Nine- I lie. Eight- Things go on much longer than they should. Fifteen Million- Wait! Wasn't this list just supposed to go to 2006?...)