Don't Expect Much

The Cantaloupe

Hey it's me speaking to you from your favorite melon. I'd like to tell you all that Christmas will be great this year and everything. I hope you enjoy it. I certainly hope this e-mail doesn't accidently get sent a week late or anything like that. It wouldn't be a good thing. And also a happy New Year. Because I like happy people and laughing people which of course is why I won't make you happier than I could, because I don't really have time. In fact, I need sleep. So yes I have decided to send you the shortest issue ever. People celebrate records right? Why not celebrate this record? It's going to be great! Back in the olden days, emporers could celebrate whatever they wanted for no apparant reason. That's why it'd be cool if I was emporer. That whole war and people knocking you off thing? I wouldn't like that. But still, remember that Christmas is great and have fun celebrating it and listening to Celine Dion in the meantime, because well she's great and all.

Note From Me

I've written a longer, yet more summarizing entertainment year finale from my perspective. Enjoy! And while I've written this I have failed in my record attempt. Oops!

Trevor YVR Plett

(He plays the song when beating you up. Yes that's right. While beating you up. And I'm going to bed. Cya)

Hark! The Cantaloupe is Nigh!

The Cantaloupe

As I look out the window, I see wispy flakes of snow falling carpeting the ground with a fluffy blanket of white, I think to myself, "what if it wasn't snowing right now?" Then I wouldn't' be able to use such descriptive opening sentences. I say something like "As I look out the window, I see air mixed with nothingness, a chilled existance where nothing seems to change except people get cold". Now the poetry of that wouldn't be nearly as poetic. Hmmm...either way they say your dreams tend to be influenced a great deal by reality, so I will be dreaming of a white Christmas it seems. Or maybe of typing. This.

One Hit Wonders

I always feel sorry for people who get typecast. Well okay not really. But the plight for instance of most of the actors in a movie such as Lord of the Rings will star in many more movies and thier entire life they will be known for that one thing. Sure you may be on something else, but readers want to hear about that one thing still. I mean for example, if I saw Macauley Culkin on the street, what do you think I'd ask him about? That's right, "Home Alone 2". If you saw Lindsey Lohan on the street, you'd be like "Hey, it's the girl from 'The Parent Trap'!!". Okay maybe I'm losing my point here, but that's only because I'm trying. You know what I'm saying I hope. There are people who will never get over their involvement in one project. Can you say Mark Hamill, maybe? So what does this have to do with Christmas? Well I'm sure most of you have heard the Christmas story many times. I'm sure you guys could tell me almost all the people involved. Well now tell me this: What were those people involved in after that event? Sure one guy succeeding in becoming more famous after, but it took thirty years of obscurity for baby Jesus to become known for something else than being born. But we all know his story, becomes popular, gets a following, dies a "tragic" death, comes back to life, ascends into heaven, still active today. What about the other people? Most of them fade back into obscurity to never appear again. Sure some of them were in other projects, but they will always be known for their one big hit. Take a look at this interview with the Wise Man who brought myrrh many years after the fact:

Interviewer- So what was it like bringing myrrh to the manger of Jesus?
Wise Man- What? I thought we were going to talk about the girl I brought myrrh to last night. Well you see there was a comet and it lead us to this cave. Well wouldn't you know...
Interviewer- (interrupts) Let's get back to that later, can we talk more about Jesus? What was it like to get to give him myrrh.
Wise Man- (sighs) It was great. An unforgetable experience. It was a child more special than any other...Back to my story, you see comets usually mean this girl is going to...
Interviewer- (interrupts again) Great story I'm sure. Why do you think you haven't met another child so special since?
Wise Man- Well just because I haven't encountered a child more special doesn't make the children I've met since less special. I've had many special children and been able to give myrrh to them all. This girl I gave myrrh to on Friday, I'm sure she'll be able to memorize Torah at a rabbi-in-training level.
Interviewer- Because of that time, you've been typecast as the guy who gives myrrh. People say you don't have the range to be the guy giving gold or frankensense. What would you say to them?
Wise Man- Well, it's hard, because sometimes you want to branch off and give something else, but my loyal fans have really come to expect getting myrrh. I had a few times where I give silk or even camels, but those weren't as well liked.
Interviewer- Excellent. Our time is up, thanks to the "Guy whos gives Myrrh"
Wise Man- I have a name, it's...
Interviewer- (Interrupts) See you next week!

That's the way it is for all these people. Just think of being Joseph, the man known for NOT being the biological father of his son. I mean all his life, people HAD to be coming up to him and being like, "Hey, you're the guy who didn't even get to sleep with his wife before he had a kid". Talk about a honeymoon! Then when Jesus becomes big, he simply fades away. Even Mary, sure she has a cult following these days, but for what reason? The reason: she's the mother of Jesus. She had other kids! Does anybody even call her the mother of James and Jude (well other than a couple of gospels)? No! I mean think about your mother and think if others always just remembered her by one of your siblings and not you. I think it'll be like that for everyone involved, the shepherds, wise men, King Herod, Caesar Augustus. Does anybody remember anything Augustus did other than calling for a census? I think not. He did NOTHING else. Get that? Nothing!

Memories of the Select Few

This is the point where I include a couple of letters I received this week about Christmas and I poke fun at them. Okay I'm not mean. I'll just "comment" on them
Our first mail comes from one Melissa C.,
"One of my favorite things about chirstmas is fruitcake. I'm dead serious. I love the stuff. Acctually food in general is something I look forward to. I have been sick on many chirstmases from over consumption of food to be honest. Glutony DOES NOT make for a merry chritmas, and I can attest to that. My great Aunt Mary's mittens are also a hit with me. She asks me every year if i'm getting to old for them and of course I say no, because her mittens are the coolest. Another thing I like about chrsimas is critiquing nativity scenes. I always wonder why the heck little mary looks prim as a rose and isn't passed out from having just given birth in a stable with no epidural or medical staff."
Maybe it's because Jesus wasn't crying as the song "Away In A Manger" seems to claim. The mother only looks bad if all her hard work is met with a crying baby. I mean after all that pain and strife and carrying the baby for nine months the least the baby could do is give the mother a smile and maybe say "Thank You", but they don't. They cry. That's why mothers are so sad and tired after giving birth. All that pain for nothing I guess. Mary looks great of course, because her son appreciated her efforts by not crying. Does that wreck the fun you have in making fun of nativity scenes? I mean personally I always wonder why the characters in the nativity scene don't move. Are they trying to say that everyone was so awe at the birth of Jesus that nobody moved for a month? Well it's possible, but I say highly unlikely to be true. Oh yeah and some of them are so small. Was Mary an ant? Was Joseph a grasshopper? Great realism people! Thanks for accurately portraying such an important event. Of by the way it's time I interrupted this mailbox to stroke my ego.
"I really like your newsletter. It's HILARIOUS!!!!!! :) How in the world do you think of all these things?"
How do I think of what things? You mean words? Well you see, words were around before I was. Or were they? It's tough to tell actually. I've never known a time before I was around and there was words. So to answer your question, I guess I just stumbled upon words by accident. As for the things in the Cantaloupe, I generally take ideas and change them. Change them to suit my own purposes. Mwa ha ha (more evil laugh). Back to the letter by the now identified Christine H.
"Well, one of my favorite things about Christmas is the family time, no school, and a chance to perhaps go snowboarding. oh, and the late nights. my least fave things? Um, I'll have to think about that. a cool thing that happened at Christmas was, well, it will be 15 years ago this Christmas. The event? I was born (December 27). And this year, I was in a Christmas drama (it was taken from the adventures in odyssey episodes "Back From Bethlehem".). Every year is a tradition to make and eat oilebollen. Another event, it happened quite a long time ago, in fact, more than 15. It is more like 2009 years ago. My best friend was born. That, too me, is the best story. The way it came about, and fulfilled prophesies from hundreds of years before is mindboggling. since we are on the subject of mindboggling, what does the YVR stand for?"
Your best friend is John the Baptist? Woah! Sweet, what's he like? (By the way I refuse to answer the YVR thing). And I'd like to say something to those of you think I'm playing dumb here not remembering Jesus, I'd like to say this. I've clearly used that event many times during this article and you're going to tell me John the Baptist didn't fulfill prophesies? I don't even think he'd be a bad guy to be friends with. I was friends with him once too. Awesome guy. Can't say enough about him, but I guess I already have so I'll move on.

What Do We Have If We Don't Have Each Other

Christmas songs are really cool. Why? Because of the lowing cattle. Man if a cattle ever lowed at me, so help me I would...uhhhh....low back I guess. Well I like Christmas songs because they use old school language and wording. I mean I guess that's no different than a lot of old hymns, but oh well. One of these so-called Christmas songs is inspired by the King of the Bohemians. However I think we're at the point where there aren't going to be new Christmas songs popping into popular culture. So I suppose in a few hundred years there'll be more words they don't understand. For instance take "Joy to the World". Perhaps the line "Let every heart prepare him room" will not make sense, because in those days, there won't be such a thing as a room. Maybe because of technology nothing will need to be prepared as thus they will forget the meaning of that word too. Well whatever, let's move on.

The holiday of the holiday season with added holiday

I'm very sorry I can't send all of you Christmas presents, but more than that I'm especially sorry you can't all send ME a Christmas present. Why? Because I like presents. And isn't that the spirit of the season? No? But why not? Oh yeah, right. The whole thing about stuff and all. You know what I mean, right? No? But why not? (By the way I could do this for the rest of the year so I'll stop it right now. Consider it my Christmas gift to you. You're certainly welcome. And just for the record, this proves I have some sense of what really is the spirit of the season)

Trevor YVR Plett

(Freue dich wetl, dein konig naht! Mach deine tore weit! An gnaden reich und hehr an tat, der herr, der herr, der herrlichkeit! Mmmm...the land of chocolate. There's a good song about it, but it's not a Christmas song. So don't worry I won't sell you chocolates for half price or anything that you might regret later on. Silly German folk have German Christmas carols! But the Swedes don't and that's what makes them different.)

Time To Pass Time In the Pastime

The Cantaloupe

As of a couple months ago this thing showed up on the radar of our Canadian national consciousness and it's a little bit odd. You see, over the year from September 2004 until August 2005, we had simply lived our lives like we had. Nothing special. Nothing crazy. Then all of a sudden our lives changed. There was this new sport called "hockey" and they were starting up a league. The "New NHL" as they called it. Now Canada had never really had a national sport before. Some say it was "Lacrosse" (those people would still say it's Lacrosse), but to me Lacrosse sounds like a girly game. Something on par with hopscotch maybe. Actually I think it's French for "The Cross". What are you crossing I wonder? But I don't really wonder, because I simply don't care anymore. I've moved on with my life. And so have Canadians. Initially Canadians were excited about the start up of this so-called hockey thing. While there apparentally was only six of the thirty teams in this league based in Canada, many of the employees of these "teams" were mainly Canadian. Well I figured I'd watch some of these games and you know, give it a shot

Root, Root, Root For the Home Team

When I heard the name of the Calgary team was the "Flames" I remarked, "That's a smart name". What guy doesn't like sports? What guy doesn't like fire? Combine the two and you've got a sure fire hit. Well I certainly was proved right. Guys do like fire. The Flames have sold out their games constantly. Some other teams weren't nearly as smart when they named their teams. For example, there's this team called "The Mighty Ducks Of Anaheim". This team hasn't sold out their games much. I mean at least they didn't call themselves the "Pastry Ducks". Or no...guys like pastries. But you get the point right? Guys are only going to support teams that have cool names. Now I wonder why a team doesn't exploit the wide open female sports loyalty market by calling their team the "Flowers" maybe.

The Canadian Way

Have you ever noticed how soft Canadian sports are? Well not always in the first sense you think of, but there are ways. For example, what other sports gives consolation points for the loser? Hockey loves that extra point for the overtime loss (I don't even want to comment on the shootout). No wonder people think of Canadians as nice and polite and all. I'm sure this is how it started:

NHL Dude 1- You know, it's sad when teams lose in overtime. They're so close to winning. I feel really bad for them. We should do something extra for them.
NHL Dude 2- Give them hugs?
NHL Dude 1- No, I was thinking an extra point
NHL Dude 2 (Also Known as Harrison)- Fine
NHL Dude 1- I also feel bad for the teams that don't win the Stanley Cup. Do you think we can give them some sort of trophy too?
Harrison- Or maybe hugs?
NHL Dude 1- We should get the CFL to briefly adopt this system too, because they feel sorry for losing teams as well.
Harrison- Can I at least have a hug?

I really thought it was ridiculous when the CFL started doing it. No American would EVER think of giving consolation points. In fact I'm surprised they haven't started the Mayan tradition of sacrificing the loser to the gods.

This Little Season of Ours

In a couple of days, I promise to write something about Christmas. I mean it's a good topic. Lots of things to write about. But not today unfortunately. Well actually I'm just keeping them, because I don't want to waste ideas when I already have an idea.

Movie Report

You know I'm a corporate pawn as I keep telling you. Anyways on Saturday I saw this really cool movie that I had been waiting to see for many years. And yes, it was very cool. No let down at all in my opinion. With talking animals, magical lands and mighty battles, the story was fantastic. What movie am I talking about? Well I thought it was obvious, but the correct answer is in fact, Mary Poppins. So go see Mary Poppins in a movie theatre near you!

Final Note

In the next couple of days I would like a response from you on Christmas. I particular, what are some of your favorite and least favorite things? Maybe some cool things that have happened to you. I'd like to share your love of Christmas with the world. So what does Christmas mean to you?

Trevor YVR Plett

(Some people will tell you the Flames need more scoring. These people need to realize that winning hockey games involves scoring more goals than the other team, not scoring a lot of goals. Winning hockey games also involves knowing a great chicken noodle soup recipe because I hear that is a huge factor towards winning games. Often appreciating the works of Van Gogh is an element that determines who wins and loses. Sometimes the team that looks happier after the game won it. But not always)