The Square Comes Full Circle

The Cantaloupe

Look it's me and I'm writing you again! Isn't that a miracle? Well unless you've never got one of these before. If you're one of those people you need to know this. This is not the most boring newsletter in the world. If by any chance you assume it is well you need to go read National Geographic or something, because then you'll realize that you're right. This is incredibly boring.

Maroon is to Burgandy as Melons are to Hamsters

Well it's still in the summer months here (and I hope where you are, since I don't believe I have any loyal Australian readers). The summer months are times to go outside and roast your outer flesh. They are also times to show other people how out of shape and flabby you actually are. I'm in particular going to look at one phenomenon. The summer BBQ. Well first of all I need to figure out one thing. Why in particular is the summer BBQ a guy thing? What do I mean? Well have you ever been invited to a BBQ hosted by a girl? Couples yes. Guys yes. Girls no. So why doesn't your friend Marietta send you a e-mail saying, "Look we're going to cook some raw meat over a fire". Why not? Well that's one of the things I'm going to look into with the investigative journalism prowess that has won me nothing so far. Well first of all we simply have to look into what a BBQ consists of. Well there's this thing called a grill. Now one thing I've learned over years of experience is that guys are pyros. There's something about fire that attracts us. I mean personally I think women would make better fire fighters for this reason.

FireMAN 1- Hey look at that fire!
FireMAN 2- Woah! That's really cool!
FM1- Oh wow! That guy's house is totally burning down!
FM2- What should we do?
FM1- I say we grab some sticks and see if we can light them on fire!
FireWOMAN- Isn't our job to put out the fire?
(FireMAN 1 and 2 are already dancing around the fire)

It's a true story. Guys are stupidly fascinated with fire. For example on Wednesday night, I was part of a bunch of guys that did exactly that. We took our shirts off and danced around a bonfire, saw how close we could get to it and even jumped through it. So you see, guys like fire. Why don't girls like fire so much. Well I think it comes from girls being practical. How many times during your life have you seen an injured girl and her injury comes from sheer stupidity? Now think the same question about guys. Guys get injured by stupidity, girls get injured for good reasons (although clutsiness isn't really that good a reason). Girls see the danger in taking explosive materials and tossing them on fires. No girl that I know has lit gasoline filled snowmen on fire in city parks, but I know guys that have. Girls generally think ahead. Now I know I'm already way off my original topic here, but let's keep on going. Girls are to Boys what Boys are to Fire. Now I sort of regret saying that, because now I have to defend it. Of course you all know I don't regret it, because I could very easily find the "Backspace" key on my computer. Guys are stupid when it comes to fire, but even guys and fire cannot rival girls and their excuses when it comes to guys. I'm going to keep this short and sweet. Common sense needs to be used in every situation. Let's reuse my previous sketch

Woman 1- Hey! Look at that guy!
Woman 2- Woah! He's really cute!
W1- Oh wow! I heard he totally is a jerk and used his previous girlfriend!
W2- What should we do?
W1- I say we go over and flirt with him.
Woman's Male Friend- You do realize you're idiots right?
(Women are already flocking around guy)

Lucky for guys, fire isn't actually all that harmful.

The Author Takes A Break To Get Back On Topic

Now where was I? Oh yes. So I explained how guys like fire and girls don't (at least to the same extent). What else is involved in the BBQ? Oh wait, I heard a little sparrow outside. "Go back off topic" it says. Well I must obey that little sparrow at least to some extent. I'll still talk about BBQs, but I was going to talk about how guys like raw meat and girls don't. Well instead here's the reason guys host BBQs and girls don't. Guys like inviting girls to things and then looking like Provider Man. I mean it's nature. Guys like looking tough and girls like guys who look tough. I mean let's look at the example of two guys having a fight to the death. They fight and eventually one guy wins and the other guy is dead. How many girls do you know want to go out with the loser? None that I know of. I mean he's clearly weaker and girls like stronger guys. And girls definitely do not like deader guys. In the same way a good BBQ is like winning a fight to the death. And a BBQ where you end up burning yourself to death is like losing that fight I guess. Whatever. All I know is that I like BBQs.

The Extraordinary Adventures of PROVIDER MAN!!

The town of Mortolrambis lay in despair. You see for no apparant reason (or maybe one that I simply wish not to tell you) the town consisted entirely of women ages 18-30. The women of this town had no men to take care of them. They were completely helpless. Why? Because the evil Mr. Star Orbitus had locked up all the men (Oops, I wasn't supposed to tell you the reason). CLEARLY women could not fend for themselves. I mean women simply don't know how to operate a spear to kill a wild donkey. The women were hysterical. What would they do? With all the men gone, they were helpless. But what Mr. Star Orbitus did not count on was PROVIDER MAN! Suddenly Provider Man flew into town and in no time had killed many rogue aardvarks and cooked them over an open fire. All the women of the town flocked around him and marvelled at his chiseled features and ultra-tight spandex suit. The town had been saved! The evil Mr. Star Orbitus stewed in his lair. What could he do? Then he realized it. He released all the men! What will become of Provider Man when all the men get jealous and try and stomp him? This and much more will be answered later when we rejoin our program...

And In Conclusion

At this point in the program I'd like you all to realize I believe absolutely EVERYTHING I have said. There is no exaggeration of truth or anything that is meant to make you laugh. If you have any comments or question on it, feel free to send them to me and I'll send you a free nothing.So on that note, I'd like to go leave my house now so I'll get my raincoat on to protect against the hail of tomatoes. Have a great someday.

Trevor YVR Plett

(The act of putting one's foot in ones mouth is actually relatively simple. It's much more difficult to get one's belly button in your mouth. I have often tried to do it, but it is very difficult. On the easy scale, it's very easy to get your tongue in your mouth. It's actually way easier to have it in your mouth than out of your mouth. Getting a carrot into your mouth is a thrill, because it's like being a bunny.)

The Fine Art Of Camp

The Cantaloupe

Well folks, it's been a long time since I sent you one of these things. A month or so. Well Trevor, where have you been all this time? Very simple my friends. Camp. I've been at camp. You see I have no access to a computer and thus it becomes much harder to send anything weekly. But I'm home now and I'm ready to write. Now the topic for today's audience. They always tell you to speak about things you know. Well I know camp. So for today's edition I'm going to talk about camp.

The What Where and Why

So what reasons are there for going to a summer camp? Can't a summer spent all alone at home be just as exciting? Possibly. I mean camp has got to be overrated right? So here's what you do to make your own home camp experience. First instead of activities such as archery or riflery you take a simple object such as a potato peeler and toss it at random objects such as a beloved artifact. Getting in trouble will make it seem like a more genuine camp feeling. Wide games are usually a highlight. Can you replace these in your home? Well, a lot of folks like Capture the Flag. So just go hide something in your house like a potato peeler and then anytime another family member comes close to where it is you tag them and bring them to jail. Remember this: Getting in trouble makes it feel realer. The only drawback is all the unpeeled potatoes you may be eating for dinner. Lighting a campfire yourself is one of the difficult skills you may learn at a camp. At home this will be much simpler. Almost all homes contain numerous highly flammable objects. I suggest you use the dining room table. I personally love singing campfire songs and singing them around the house while its burning down would be a treat. Of course once you're done with that you might want to go to a real camp for a bit while you find a new house. Actually I have a much better idea

Exciting Oppertunity

Sign up now for an awesome week at Camp My Basement! It includes everything you could possibly want in a camp! You'll definitely find yourself very close to all the other people in the camp. Remember camps where you were all alone wishing you had someone to hang out with. I don't, but even so there's no need worrying about that at Camp My Basement! Have you ever been to a camp where it's rained all the time? No need to worry about at Camp My Basement because there's ceilings everywhere! All activities will go ahead as planned! What will these activities include? That's a good question.....
Oh yeah, there's only two beds in my basement so you'll learn to share. Oh yes and there's only one washroom so you'll definitely learn to share.Listen to this testimony from a previous camper at Camp My Basement:

"I was a little concerned when I heard we'd be sleeping in a stack formation on the floor. I figured having two girls under me and another three on top of me would be uncomfortable for sleeping and certainly very warm, but now I'd suggest a dogpile for sleeping any day. As for the warmth, it was quite toasty. Luckily for us they dumped ice cubes on the pile before bed. Sure we woke up in a puddle of water, but that's camp, right? Just something to get used to. They say camp brings people together and they really mean that. I never thought I'd forget which leg sticking out of the pile is mine, but I don't think I know anymore. It's not exactly like I have feeling in it or anything like that. We've really had some deep discussions this week. One girl said, 'I think this is worse than hell'. From that statement we got into a theological debate about whether this camp or hell is worse. That's the beauty of this camp."
-Therissalynnee, 15

Vertical Time Limit

For today's question of the week, I will ask this:
"If you could host a camp in a really strange place, where would it be and what types of activities would you have?"

Unifying Turbulance

Regarding my next issue, I cannot guarentee any particular time for it's release. If I was home I could tell you next week, but sadly, I don't know when I'll be home. I also don't really know what my home is. On friday I told other people that I'd be "home on Monday". I'm at my home now. What is my home? Perhaps I'm the hermit crab that has a can on his back and then tries to find a new can. My home is a can. No wait. That's a terrible analogy. Except that I really wanted to talk about hermit crabs. I like changing what I'm talking about suddenly.

Trevor YVR Plett

(If today's column is the fine art of camp, here's the fine print of camp: Camp is spelled not only with a C and a P, but also there are two letters in the middle. Rumour has it that one of the letters is an A, but these are so far unsubstantiated. One of my friends told me the other letter was an M, but that's simply too far fetched. If I had to guess how to spell camp I would most certainly tell you it's spelled with an I and a J. CJIP! See, it works like a working toaster!)