I've Been Hit By an Errant Cantaloupe

The Cantaloupe

As the sun faded from the sky, turning the world into shadows and darkness, I sat at the computer typing away. Suddenly there was a knocking on my door! Who could it be except my astute butler Henry? I asked Henry to come in. He did not. I asked again. Still there was no answer. With the gusto of a Hungarian barber I dashed to the door and flung it open. There was no one there. So as I write this week's edition of the Cantaloupe, you must remember that the butler is never truly there. Oh he'll tell you that he is, but you mustn't believe him.

This week I present material gathered from other source

Today I figured I'd tell you a story from The Return of the Incomplete Book of Failures by Stephen Pile.

"THE LEAST SUCCESSFUL PURCHASE OF A PET
In 1980 an Italian businessman in Brescia was sent out to buy a pet dog for his children. When he returned with a small fluffy bundle and immediate family argument broke out as to what breed it was. His wife insisted it was a fine-haired chihuahua and his children would not sleep for claiming it was a poodle, while the buyer himself would hear no word against his own belief that it was a pedigree labrador, as the salesman had told him.
Only when they took the animal to the vet after three months, complaining that it never barked, did they learn that it was, in fact, a lion."

Behold the majestic and magical beluga

Since I last wrote to you, school is back in full swing. Classes and books and that other thing I don't do. Yeah, that. Well school can be a magical place. A place where your eyes are open to the realities of the world around us. Where you learn to take skills and apply them to the real world. Actually i don't know if it does either of those things, but it does allow me to go to sporting events with a very large drum and bang on it all night. Okay, so I wouldn't actually even have to go to school to do that. Either way with the Super Bowl coming up within the next say...two weeks I've decided to come up with a list of fun things you can do to support your favourite team.

Get a bunch of coconut halves and bang them together
I have coconut halves! And they sound like a running horse. Thus, if many people were to do it, it would sound like many horses. I don't know if it would help your team, but it certainly would sound cool in person and would be sweet to try

Vow to only wear a towel until your team wins the championship
This plan would certainly show a lot of devotion on your part. I mean most of my readers live in harsh and cold climates. And many of my readers have jobs. However this would be the ultimate show of devotion. In fact, make the towel and towel with the logo of the team you're supporting. The downside of course is that towels are hard to keep on and public nakedness is frowned upon. And in the winter public nakedness is painful. On the upside, you wouldn't have to buy any clothes for a while (especially if your favourite team is the Cincinnati Bengals). And who knows how many towels you can find in your house, maybe you can wear like 50 of them and it won't even be much of a sacrifice.

Start an annual community event supporting the team
Everyone likes a rally of some kind. Back when the Flames were in the Stanley Cup Finals, the city of Calgary had quite a few a them. Everyone supports a winning team. However if your team is less than a winning team you may want to have some funner events at your rally. Like catapulting walruses. We supply the catapult, you bring your own walrus. Who wouldn't come to that? Maybe we can aim for the windows of some office towers. Think about that for shock! You're working in your 7th floor office when all of a sudden a walrus flies through your window! This needs to happen. And everyone will get team spirit because of this event. Oh in case you don't have a catapult or a walrus, you can certainly use trebuchets and bottlenose dolphins.

Two words: Rig it
If you have enough money you can pay the players on the opposing teams. I mean why can't sports be rigged? Most popular television shows are rigged. Ross and Rachel were paid big bucks to get back together in the Friends finale. They were told they had to by crooked television producers. Why can't sports be rigged too? Or maybe instead of rigging sports we should unrig everything else. From now on, life will be completely improvised. You "PLAN" to go to such and such a college, eh? Well that's rigging the future! You can now no longer think of anything, but the present or the past. And definitely no thinking of consequences. You want to cross the street, so do it. You're not allowed to think about the car that will most likely hit you. Wait, I don't even think this works. So no unrigging. More rigging. That way your team is guarenteed to win. Of course don't give them all the money before the game, because then you could lose all your money and the game. And that would make you cry. And grown men and women don't cry. That's what society tells us. And clearly society in the boss of our lives.

Tomorrow and the Never-ending Circus of Vibration

Quote of the day:
"Sterility may be inherited" -Pacific Rural News

And I don't need to remind you again, but if you have any comments, questions or annoyingly unuseful dollar bills in your pocket you can most certainly send them to me. Or tell me topics you would like to hear me discuss in a more thorough fashion. Once again, until next time have a wonderful Happy Meal.

Trevor YVR Plett

(Stave it off 1 2 3 and now you can count to three. Stave it off 1 2 3 and now you can count to three. Stave it off 1 2 3 and now you can count to three. Stave it off 1 2 3 and now you can count to three. Stave it off 1 2 3 and now you can count to three. Stave it off 1 2 3 and now you can count to three. Stave it off 1 2 3 and now you can count to three. Stave it off 1 2 3 and now you can count to three. Stave it off 1 2 3 and now you can count to three. Stave it off 1 2 3 and now you can count to three. Stave it off 1 2 3 and now you can count to three. Shout it out Y V R and now you can say my name. Stave it off 1 2 3 and now you can count to three. Stave it off 1 2 3 and now you can count to three. Stave it off 1 2 3 and now you can count to three. Stave it off 1 2 3 and now you can count to three. Stave it off 1 2 3 and now you can count to three. Stave it off 1 2 3 and now you can count to three. Stave it off 1 2 3 and now you can count to three. Stave it off 1 2 3 and now you can count to three. Stave it off 1 2 3 and now you can count to three. Stave it off 1 2 3 and now you can count to three.)

Your Left Ankle Is Treacherous

The Cantaloupe

Happy New Year to everyone. It is now 2005. Isn't that cool? Well I'm not so certain of that. In fact, it's really not that different. However at the beginning of each new year, people like to make resolutions. Some people resolve to lose weight, others resolve to break an annoying habits and yet others resolve to stop making resolutions. So what did I resolve to do? Well actually to tell you the truth, I personally decided not to make any resolutions. However we at the Cantaloupe figured we could help those of you who have not yet made your resolutions think of one before July.

I Resolve to Solve the Case of the Reused Solvent

For those of you who wish to lose weight, how about a different solution? Instead of trying to lose fat, you should resolve to move all your body fat to your neck. You could be incredibly in shape except for your giant neck! First of all, you wouldn't need a pillow at night. Your neck fat would suffice. You could put on a shirt and then drape your fat over it. Actually on second thought that's a horrible mental picture and I apologize for subjecting you to it. Please accept this apology and the promise that if I'm ever a billionaire I will personally give each of you a quarter.
For those of you who are trying to break annoying habits, I have a plan for that too. Get a really fat neck and then the annoying habits will be the least of your problems! No wait, don't do that. I have a better plan. Let's say for example that your habit is that every once in a while you throw whatever object is randomly near you into the wall (or if there is no wall, just at the ground). Well in this case every time you throw a stapler at the wall or a computer at the ground, you should release a rabid wolverine in your general vacinity. Perhaps eventually you will become friends with the rabid wolverine and you two can do everything together. You can go see the opera. You can devour live prey. You can scratch anything in your path to bits. Basically what I'm saying is that instead of trying to get rid of habits, you should have a cooler resolution like befriending a vicious animal that more likely than being your friend will claw you like there's no tomorrow. Correction, there will be a tomorrow and you will be clawed on that day too. Well unless you keep your resolution. That said...
For those of you who resolved not to make resolutions, here's a better plan. You should resolve to not keep your resolutions. Yep, that would work.
The Cantaloupe's Stupidest Reader- Hey! I should do that!
The Cantaloupe's Slightly More Intellegent Reader- You realize that to keep that resolution you would have to break it right!
TCSR- Yeah, but how hard could that be. I can keep resolutions!
TCSMIR- Uhhhh....but you can't keep it if you have to break it to keep it.
TCSR- You're just not trying hard enough. Look I've drawn this cool banner that will remind me to break my New Year's Resolutions.
TCSMIR- I don't think you've been hearing me
TCSR- Look! I drew a cute little bunny rabbit. And I've named him Fluffy. Hi Fluffy! Say hi to fluffy.
TCSMIR- I think I'm going to go drown a fish
TCSR- Ooh! Ooh! Can I come? I've always wanted to go that!
TCSMIR- *walks out of the room*

Treacherous is such an awesome word

As I look into my crystal ball I have come up with some predictions for this year. The first thing I thought as I looked into my crystal ball was that crystal was expensive. Then I thought "hey, that's a lot of crystal". Then I realized that you don't make any money looking into other people's futures. Then I saw that in the future I would sell a crystal ball of great value. And I did. It was very lucrative.
Anyways other than that, I have no idea what will happen. I'm not a future knower person. However it would be cool if something completely unpredictable happened. Like as a practical joke, the people of Senegal and Cameroon switched countries. Suddenly everyone in Senegal would be from Cameroon and vice versa. I'd NEVER expect that. All our globes would need to be updated! That would wreak havoc on a lot of people's plans. Like for example you had a plane ticket to go to Cameroon. Which country would you be going to, the new or old Cameroon? And now what would be even crazier is if neither country said anything. You'd go to the country you call Cameroon and you'd think you be talking to a Cameroonian, but you'd be wrong! It would actually be a guy from Senegal! Now wouldn't that suck!
Oh wait, I do have a prediction. I will release at least one Cantaloupe issue this year. It's an easy prediction because if you're reading this right now then the prediction has clearly came true. Can I predict more? Sure I can. In fact if I put out 35 last year I can certainly put out another 35 this year at least I would think. I predict 2005 will blow 2004 out of the water. How's that for a prediction? I predict I will do something that will shock you the Cantaloupe's readership. Yep, I most certainly will. But I can't tell you what because you wouldn't be shocked.
Either way, this has been fun. Let's do it again. In about a week or so maybe. Oh and how come not many of you called the Cantaloupe up and wished it a Happy Birthday yesterday? What, you don't love it like a brother? Well actually I don't care. I can handle it. I mean I can handle a lot of things. But to hear more about how I single-handedly fought off an array of evil mutton chops, you'll have to read your e-mail next week. And that is a great story.

Trevor YVR Plett

(This caption under the name of the author has a New Year's Resolution. It will be smaller and harder to read [at least for today's issue]. You will have to squint much harder to tell what this is saying right now. In fact you might wish to consider reading glasses in the near future or else your retina may pop out of the side of your head. The opposite of which would involve your retina popping back into your head. Now that's nonsensicaltasticness!)