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tHE CaNtalOUPe

I would simply like right now to apologize for all the formatting errors that most of you have been receiving. Those who have experienced the horrors of HTML know what it is all about. Those of you who have received the Cantaloupe as normal, you are the lucky few. Terrible has been the curse of HTML, for instead of being able to read things clearly, they are all garbled. For you, I am sorry for my involvement, but it was not intentional. Perhaps some crazy shaman dude named Crazy Shaman Dude put a curse on your e-mail so it wouldn't read properly. Again I apologize. You know, I think it actually might have been my fault.

The Story That Explains What I Just Said

I was walking down the street the a while back when I saw this stand. There was this old man with a pointy hat and a long wispy beard standing there looking, well, crazy. His teeth were showing in a maniacal fashion. So as any random person on the street would do if they saw a frightening old man, I went and talked to him.
"Hey, what's this stand for", I asked.
"I'm a shaman; I curse people," he replied.
Well I now knew what he was. He was shaman. That might explain why wasn't wearing any clothes other than a loincloth. It made sense to me now. If he wearing a three-piece suit or a twelve-piece suit he might be willing to curse corporations; this was a simple shaman who would only curse people.
"or livestock," he interrupted my thoughts.
Darn those crazy shaman! Those are my thoughts! Stop breaking into them. I don't want you to do that. Where was I? Oh yes, people. He would curse people. I looked at the signs which showed certain curses and their prices. You could get a death curse for $100; I didn't quite want anyone dead yet. As well, I knew shaman elsewhere who would kill someone for half that price. Infertility curses cost $50; Baldness curses cost $20. I kept looking and I saw a curse that really caught my eye. The Yellowaphobia curse.
"What's the Yellowaphobia curse", I asked.
"It makes you afraid of the color yellow," he answered.
Woah! That's super cool. I could make someone afraid of the color yellow. I told the shaman that I was going to get this curse for someone. He told me it would cost me $15. I hesitated for a second, because if a death curse cost $100, that seems a little much just to be afraid of yellow.
"I'll give you $10," I said.
"I'm not going lower than $12," he replied.
So $12 it was, I was willing to pay that much. So the shaman went to the back of his little stand and grabbed his cauldron, always a sensible thing to start with. He called his evil incantations and then he stopped.
"Wait, who am I cursing again," he asked me.
"I never told you," I said, "but I would like to curse Elmo, you know, from Sesame Street."
The shaman gave me this really long and sort of creepy stare. I can't quite explain it to you, but if you've ever been stared at by a shaman before, you know what it is like. He probably was used to people cursing their wife, or husband, or mother-in-law, or Charlie Sheen.
Well, to make a long story short, Crazy Shaman Dude cursed Elmo, but then he surprised me.
"With that curse you get a free HTML curse," he told me.
He then explained that the HTML curse causes e-mail you send to be garbled and nonsense like that. It didn't sound all that great, I mean wouldn't I want people to be able to read stuff I wrote? Wouldn't I want to get a burrito after I had left the shaman? Well I decided that I WOULD in fact get the burrito.
"Do you want it or not," he asked impatiently.
"I think I'll pass"
"But it's free"
"Well, if it's free I'll get it I guess"
So there you have it, I suppose that would be the real reason that many of you are complaining about my e-mails looking like stupid nonsense. It's all because of Crazy Shaman Dude. He's a bit of a jerk if I might say so myself, but don't tell him that, because I hear he gets employee discounts.
Either way, don't blame me, it was an accident. I didn't mean to tell anybody to curse you. I just did it. I didn't mean to pay the man money, but I did. You can't blame me that's for sure.
That's the problem with our society, people never take responsibility for their actions. They are always trying to look at other people. Just because I went to a shaman and got a curse placed on you, it's MY fault. Really? C'mon, that's ridiculous! And you were just a victim weren't you? Sitting there at home sipping tea and eating a burrito that I should have been eating right after I was done getting the curse done! The burrito place was closed!

Snakes and Apples and Trees, Oh My!

The other day I was watching Sesame Street like I always do on Sundays and I don't like it as much as I used to. You see, I think there's too much violence. Why did Elmo attack Big Bird? I suppose we'll never know. I blame the writers of the show. They're to blame. It's a kid's program. A KID'S PROGRAM!I suppose it goes to show you that when you're backed in a corner with nowhere to escape you have to lash out. Whether that's at an angry mob or a large cartoonish bird, it's all the same.

My Final Confession

Okay, maybe you can blame me for some of what happened. There, I said it. Now let's stop pointing fingers and move on. No? There are still fingers pointed? Okay, well I have a solution called "Question of the Week". It's a good solution.

Today's question is..."If there were a curse that should be placed on me as retribution for this crime, what should it be?"

Otherwise if there is nothing left to say, I'd simply like to acknowledge that going to a shaman is a bad idea. It's a little wrong if you know what I mean. Of course, you can't blame me, because I didn't know he was a shaman. His name was Crazy Shaman Dude and he said he was a shaman, I figured that it had to be a joke. I gave his money because I felt sorry for him, or....maybe a little bit just to curse Elmo. Don't go to a shaman. It's wrong.

Trevor YVR Plett

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Door to Door Generic (and Carpet)

Door to Door Generic (and Carpet)

There is a man that many of you know. This man is a little strange, but what do you expect from a politician? Yes, but only a politician at heart. You see in the year 2004 he lost his presidential election and thus had to find other areas of work. He worked at a diner for awhile getting people's orders and all that. Now he has moved up in the world. Yes, Tim Generic now goes door-to-door selling carpet (and other things). So let's set the stage for you. It is a typically cool fall day at around 4:00 p.m. Your average person is either still at work or "sick". It was at this time that the man known as Generic began to walk the streets of a community called "Pinkview". He strolled down the street with a confidence that comes from thinking you are always right. He strolled like a baby that could walk and talk would. You know the kind. Up the path beside the grass he went until he came to his first doorway, where he sold a carpet. The next house did not wish to have carpet. For our purposes the third house was important simply because that's the story we shall tell. It's no more exciting or less than the houses before or after, but you won't know that. Generic went up to the door and rang the doorbell. About five seconds passed before he heard the sound of someone going up (or down) the stairs. Then the door swung upon and there was a girl, about 21, there at the door. That's our beginning:

TIM GENERIC- Hello, young lady. My name is Tim Generic. I can see your carpet is dull and lifeless. That is a terrible shame. You see, brown is a color that does not take advantage of our freedom in life. We live in a land that allows all kinds of colors of carpet, red, blue, black, even navy blue! To abuse this right by having brown carpet is a shame you have had for far too long. People in third world nations like Africa or France might have to put up with such things, but you shouldn't have to.Entrust your money in my hands and I can change all of that. My promises are real, I will not let you down. The carpet will become new. Freedom of carpet is a right that all people should have.

GIRL- Uhhh....well I don't really have that freedom. You see, I'm renting this place and I don't think they'd let me change my carpet.

TG- That's a shame. The powers that be have let you down time and time again. They've not only taken a rolling pin and squashed your rights like a playdough dinosaur, but they've taken a flamethrower and torched the memories of them. Authority is there for the people, not the other way around. It is people like you, the highly attractive young women of our society who should be able to have good looking things. You see, I myself like attractive women. They are a diverse people group that adds so much to the fabric of our land. I, Tim Generic, firmly hold that these women should not be confined to simply toil away at home for no reason at all, they should have husbands to do it for.

GIRL- I'm confused. What are you saying? Are you saying....no....wait....Are you hitting on me?!TG- What I'm saying is that if you vote for Tim Generic, he will give you the time of your life. And you know that promise is good, because I used to be a politician.

GIRL- Aren't you a little old to be going out with me?

TG- Our land has a long history. We came and truimphed over the evil Native people who tried to steal the land we rightfully found. They hadn't sailed over the whole ocean to get there, but they thought they owned the place anyways. Years passed and we had more wars to fight, but none were for our very right to freedom like that war was. Now we're fighting another war of the same kind. As our cities grow, it is the trees themselves who hinder us. They do not move along with our society and because of that, they are resisting us. We cannot let the trees win, we must chop them down and pull their roots from ground!

GIRL- I....uhhhh....don't get it.

TG- That's because you don't have wisdom my dear. You see the trees as your friends, because you don't know any better. Yes, things must change and new ideas are valuable, but it should be led by those with knowledge and experience. A society cannot be stagnant and without change, but it must not reject new ideas as well. For example, we certainly have a good thing with carpets, but soon we must innovate, perhaps by creating carpets that also play MP3's. In that way carpets will survive the onslaughts of the DVD player.

GIRL- The DVD player isn't really quite competing with the carpet though....and a DVD player doesn't even play MP3's.

TG- That matters not, what matters is that you're a hot young woman and I'm a moderately attractive middle-aged man. Sometimes you have to think, not what's best for yourself, but what is best for your country.

GIRL- So I'm going to go on a date with you, because that's what's best for our country?

TG- People often argue about what is best for our country. Should we build hospitals, should we educate our children? What should we do? There a number of answers to this question. I believe our country is best served when people live out their right to freedom. In this country, you have the choice to marry whomever you may choose. In some countries, there is no choice. If you are the son of the king, you will be married off to the princess of some other country. It doesn't matter whether or not she is hot, you don't have a choice. That's what's great about our land. You can refuse those woman that are not smoking hot. I am exercising my rights for freedom, how about you?

GIRL- I suppose I'm flattered that you think I'm hot...

TG- I must give credit where credit is due. Your legs are like firehoses, that our heroic firefighters use to save people from the corruption of fire; your hands are the hands of the masses, able to do whatever they please; your mouth is like a guitar, which our land's musicians use to give hope and joy; your eyes are like the electoral process, which enables people to view the problems of our culture and choose the proper method of moving forward. Yes, you have the eyes of democracy! Your hair cascades down your head like money flows to a politician who takes bribes. Your breasts...

GIRL- I get it. Thank you. Nobody has ever said anything so kind about me. You're not like all those other guys at all. My last boyfriend was a big jerk. He always would invite me over to his house so we could play shuffleboard all night long. And he never let me win! Then he'd kick me out before breakfast so I'd have to eat Capt'n Crunch at my house. Of course, that's not the worst thing. He always would sneak off into my room and steal some of my pants. And if that's not creepy enough, he'd stick twizzlers to the butt and return them so that when I was wearing those pants, guys would come and grab my butt. Of course they didn't want to grab my butt, they just saw the twizzlers and you know how a guy's mind works. When they see those twizzlers, they have to have them. Of course, he still told me he loved me, and I felt maybe if I gave it a few years of marriage he'd change his ways for me. He didn't. In fact he dumped me before we even got married, or engaged, or anything. He was just using me, because of my good looks and body and the fact that I have that ultimate fighting channel on my TV package.

TG- Tim Generic is not that kind of person. Tim Generic is a sweet, gentle family man.

GIRL- You have a family?

TG- Tim Generic likes families, but he doesn't have one of his own (just yet). He is down to earth and represents the people of this land. He loves each and every one of them. He also has a vision about our future and yours too. A vision that involves cooked goose on everyone's dinner table, a vision that has five cars in every garage, yes, a vision that let's us continue to choose our wives. Even if we want more than one wife, we should be allowed, because it isn't freedom to deny us that right.

GIRL- You don't even know my name yet, though.

TG- It is true that I don't know your name, but you are more than a statistic to you. You are a person with real problems and real issues. Some people need a shelter and we should give those people a nice box to sleep in. Some people need clothes and we should give those people some plastic bags, so they can be warm. You don't need a name so much as you need a man to go to dinner with.

GIRL- Okay, I'll go, but my name is Clara.

TG- Awesome, 6:00 sound good?

CLARA- Yeah, what's the plan from there

TG- We head over to the Olive Garden, which we shall experience some of the wonderful cultures that make our land so great, then we will go see a movie, "Snakes on a Plane", which shall remind us that the terrorists are powerful, and they have snakes. Lots of snakes. We must be wary. Then finally we shall head back to your place, and uhhh....

CLARA- Do what?

TG- Well, maybe you could convince your landlord because, you see, I'd like to sell you a new carpet. Perhaps a red one with a little bit of blue and grey. They're highly affordable you know.

Hope, Hype, Type

The Cantaloupe

Just a few thoughts before I get going into more pressing topics from my head today. Is anyone else getting a little tired of Christmas music? Anyone? Okay, so I haven't heard much yet, just a little bit. But with three months ahead of us (and two heavy months) of Christmas music coming. I know that for myself, Christmas music isn't quite as bad as the recent Thanksgiving music barrage. Singing all their happy Thanksgivingy stuff. About Turkey Gus, the Thanksgiving Turkey and how he's going to bring you a bucketful of stuffing.
Seriously, it's barely October and all these people on the internet and stuff have begun to talk about Christmas. It's three months away! Nearly a lifetime. All I know is I would wait until at least a month before something to mention it. For example, I totally am not going to mention that I am looking forward to it being summer again, or even spring. Why? Because that's not living in the present. I will not mention Christmas...
...Again?

But I Think I Will. Hey Look Over There, It's Christmas!

Actually I have a story to tell that I don't think I ever got around to telling. It's about a month old. I figure you all should know it, because it concerns and hurts us all.
It all starts back in the days of September. They were days of bliss in some regards. You see, we were in the process of moving Melissa up to University of Alberta and thus it was me, her and her parents. On Sundays, I usually have a lot of food at lunch and usually fairly late. Her family did not and so along the way they stopped at McDonald's while I did not eat because I was full.
Later we were staying at this house north of Edmonton, when it got around that we hadn't eaten supper. I was feeling a little bit of food envy or something. At this particular town, they had an A & W and they had a KFC. At the time, I was up for some good old-fashioned finger-lickin' good chicken, but I decided that even if I couldn't have any, I'd go to KFC anyway.
So we drive up to the drive-through menu where you order and they informed us that they were out of chicken. I guess the "C" in the name really just stands for Company or Corporation and they don't really Kentucky Fry anything in particular now do they? Do they?Now let's clarify here for a second. Many things I write in the Cantaloupe are fiction. They are not intended to be true and you should not perseve them as things that have happened to me or any other person that I know. However this was real. Realer than the time I got ran over by a cement truck in Nigeria.
When I found out I couldn't get chicken at a KFC I lost all hope. What was the point in life anymore? Isn't there a few things you can always count on? The sun will come up in the morning. The grass will always be greener on the other side. There will always be chicken at KFC. Well one of those things was wrecked forever. Let's go back to KFC though. I wondered what was the point of them being open was. What were they selling other than chicken. When I told my sister-in-law Krista she thought maybe some people were going to order a bucket full of coleslaw. Mmmmm....good old fashioned Kentucky Fried Coleslaw!

However what has became apparant is KFC no longer intends to harm the harmless chicken and I must commend them for this. Especially because they are now a car repair service. Toonie Tuesday is a really good deal.

More Poultry, Always More Poultry

We are coming up on the holiday weekend here in Canada. Wonderful Thanksgiving and well, Thanksgiving is a little different than most holidays. There's very little commercialization of it. It hasn't became really cheesy. Christmas has the whole Santa Claus thing associated with it, Easter has the whole Bunny thing going with it; Thanksgiving has turkeys. But we can always make up a cute backstory can't we.
So let's talk more about Turkey Gus. They say Turkey Gus lives in a residence (just like Santa Claus). However he lives in Albany, New York. All year round Turkey Gus procreates many, many children. Lots of little chick turkeys (whatever they are called). Turkey Gus loves all his hundreds of thousands of children. He loves creating his hundreds of thousands of children as well (wait am I allowed to say that? Of course I am, he's a happily married turkey; To Turkey Harriet and for fifty years). Well, every year he spends lots of time in his labratory (did I mention he's sort of a scientist?) There in his lab he creates lots of reciepes for cranberry sauce and mashed potatoes etc. As well he has created devices that control people's brains.
Anyways when Thanksgiving rolls around, Turkey Gus goes to work. He takes his children and lead them to grocery stores all around the world. Then he takes his mind control device and makes you buy them. Thus you get to eat turkey on Thanksgiving as a special gift from your uncle, Turkey Gus.The story doesn't end there of course. We're still missing stuffing and pumpkin pie, the greatest parts of any Thanksgiving feast. I don't want to go too much into his secrets, but I know this, Turkey Gus has a catapult. Possibly for stuffing.
Then what about pumpkin pie? What about it? You make it, that's what! It has nothing at all to do with Turkey Gus or even Pumpkin Pie Percival.Back to Turkey Gus and his wife Turkey Harriet. Each year when Turkey Harriet loses her horde of children she is really sad. Turkey Gus tells her the children were abducted by angry businessmen just like he tells her every year. Then he comforts her. Later they have more children to make up for the ones they lost. That's the Thanksgiving Cycle.
So the moral of the story is this: Be thankful that Turkey Harriet is incredibly gullible, just like all turkeys.

Christmas Is 100 days away!

Oh yes, and hockey season begins today. Not that hockey is a cool as football for example, but I can mention it anyways.
I once had a full issue devoted to hockey (aka the Calgary Flames). They were in the playoffs at the time and were about to win another series. That was a long time ago, but it was a fun time for all. But I made a prediction in that issue that ended up coming true. Yes, I've made a lot of predictions in my life. Very few of them have come true, but that one did. So in the spirit of awesomeness I am going to predict something for this coming season, because I can and I want to. Calgary is going to win the Cup. I've been wrong about the Flames, but NEVER in the Cantaloupe. This will continue.
Just imagine this town come June after a hard-fought game six (or seven) victory over the New York Islanders (or Carolina, or Montreal). The riot that would ensue would set back this city years and years. Is that what I want? Yes, it is.
I even want to make a promise to you just in case this comes true. IF the Flames do in fact complete their destiny and win the Cup, I will walk around Calgary (like through a majority of all four quadrants, just because I don't want to promise around the entire city, when there's no people out in the country) screaming "WOOO!" Maybe not the direct day of, but I'll pick a day for a "Woooo"ing adventure. Trust me, it'll be good. And it will be an all day adventure. Anyone who will want to can join me. Oh yes, there will be a significant amount of pyro (flames) involved as well. Probably a hot stick or two. Now it is unlikely the Flames will actually win, because hockey is unpredictable, but I can always hope right?
I'd promise you a physical appearance change, but too bad, because I like the way I look!

The Return

Very short note, but something important is going to happen on October 20th.

CHRISTMAS!!!! on a stick

As I leave you for another day, have a great Christmas season and buy a lot of expensive things so that our economy can be good and all us can be in debt and the starving children of this world can continue to do what they're used to.And also sing a lot of carols, because singing is good.

Trevor YVR Plett

(Oh by the way, my count of 100 for Christmas is a little bit off. It was an attempt at approximating, but I'm bad at approximating. It's actually 81 days until Christmas. Christmas is not in January or February, but I'm sure January will be cool too, and February will also be very cool. Maybe not as cool as Christmas, but you have fun things like New Year's and January 22 and all that. What I could have been saying instead of my terrible numerical mistake is that I like presents. And spending time with family and significant people. Because that's what Christmas is really about, is it not. It's about love. And maybe presents.)