Farewell Sweet Symmetry

The Cantaloupe

Welcome one and all to the Cantaloupe edition eighty-something. Not that it means anything, but I have to open this somehow don't I? 85% of you will say that it's very true. I don't exactly know about the other 15%, but those 15% are my favorite people in the whole world. So try and be one of them.Either way, summer is winding down and oxygen is depleted (as all the world's schoolchildren collectively gasp). Poor poor children. Why doesn't anyone ever think of the children? Or at least act like the children? What I'm saying (as always it's hard to tell) is that I need to get you another issue before school begins and the leaves begin to crush us under their weight.

The Kingdom Arises BEEfore my Eyes

Lately (and by lately I mean today) there has been a revolution of sorts in my house. Yes, it was a couple of days, maybe months, in the making. However it was today that it happened.
Let's start the story a couple of months back. Every once in a while I would see a bee crawling around downstairs. Nothing serious, in fact quite humorous. You see, none of the bees that would crawl around the basement could fly. They were all cripples. Sometimes I'd let them wander around and they'd simply die. Other times I would press the matter a little bit.
Nothing was that much out of the order until I got back from Manitoba on Monday. You see Tuesday I heard a bee flying. Odd, I thought, bees don't fly! Well okay, they do, but the ones in our basement don't fly. Well I saw a bee and I said, "here's the culprit", but then I heard buzzing. There was two bees! Overall it didn't take too long to rid my basement of the fuzzy critters. One whack with "Chicken Soup for the Soul" would do that. Problem solved, or was it?On Wednesday there was another bee on the stairs. This time I lovingly cared for the bee and let him loose to the elements of the outside world where some other creature could kill it. Later that day I found three dead bees around the house. Strange, that's a lot of bees. I don't usually find a stash of bees around the house. Do you? Does your mother keep a stash of bees in her room without any knowledge from someone else?

Father: (looking around closet, finds something) What are these? Bees?
Mother: No, honey, those are simply caterpillars.
Father: Well, they look awfully beeish for caterpillars.
Mother: Dear, that's silly. Haven't you ever heard of Bee caterpillars? They look an awful lot like a common bee.
Father: I get it, I'm not good enough for you! (starts crying)
Mother: All right, I admit it. The bees keep better company than you. You never brush your teeth and your hair smells like catfood.
Father: That's because you knocked my teeth out and put catfood in my shampoo.
Mother: Okay, I just like the bees better than you.

That was a reinactment of what it could be like. Then Thursday, aka today happened. Within the first ten minutes of me waking up I discovered five perfectly live bees in the basement. And unlike any of their predessecors, all of these could fly. After dealing mercifully with one bee and quite unmercifully with three others I found out there were still three bees left. Seven bees! That's unheard of! I bet many beehives don't even have that many bees! In Africa they might, but not here.
What I'm trying to get at here is there is a pattern. 2, 4, 7, 11, 16... Don't you see? I think I should get out while I still have the chance! It's a hostile takeover it is. I'm like the natives and the bees are like the European settlers. After a brief and bloody battle they will confine me to certain areas in the basement while they hoard the rest. I'll have to wade knee-deep through hoards of bees to get to the washroom. Eventually me and the bees will become bestest of friends and together we'll have wiener roasts and AA meetings and the whole shebang. Then one day I'll come home with a big can of bee spray. Yeah, that'll show them for taking over my basement. Until then, though, the bees rule. All hail the Bee Overlords!

Bees To the Question

Sometimes readers can make my life a lot easier. Especially if they send me stories. Look here is one now.

"Trevor you'll never believe this but the strangest thing happened to me. I'm still not working because my leg isn't healed so I was just sitting around, but then when I looked at the mail I got all these bills to pay. So I had to drive to the bank and transfer some money. I was making my way over having fun with the windows down and my new Thrice CD playing loud when I got quite the scare!
What I thought was a green light fell down to the pavement and then got up and started coming right at me! It looked like a pair of light sabres flashing back and forth!
I had no choice but to slam on my brakes and frantically look behind me and DRAT IT ALL there was a vehicle right behind me. I was trapped! The lights stopped right in front of my car and with greater clarity I saw that it was a pair of pants! Pants! Whose neon pants could these be? Those pants must be psychic because right away they declared, "I am my own pants!"
Talking pants didn't really surprise me at this point because hey, these things just fell out of a traffic light and ran up to my car. So I said, "Get in the car." They started to protest so I interrupted with, "Don't give me that, you know who you are." They thought for a moment and then conceded with, "The answer is yes, it isn't that far." Well I was worried a little bit, I had been trying to intimidate those pants with my quick authority grab but then they had to be all cryptic like that. What wasn't that far?
So the pants hopped in, and that's when I realized that these could only be girls' pants. At least intended for girls if you know what I mean...
But the temptation was overwhelming. I thought up a plan and I thought it up quick. I took those pants for a ride they would never forget.
I got those pants dizzy out of its mind. Then I stopped, and with blind emotion I grabbed them and hopped out of my car. I flung off my sandals with reckless abandon and didn't even bother taking off my shorts. I just wrenched those pants on. I got held up with bad leg though. The bandage was too big. These were tight pants and they couldn't handle the extra mass. It was then that I heard all the laughing. I whirled around only to be face to face with the most beautiful girl I have ever smelled in my life.
She smiled and said, "Those are my pants. I'm sorry, I use them to trap guys sometimes. I'm just so shy-" Well I don't know what she'd been about to say but as soon as I heard 'trap' my mind whipped itself into creative self-preservation. I dove straight into her head first. We collapsed into a whirlwind of flailing pants because those green glowing fabric wonders had gotten their bearings again and they were none too happy about my aggressive advancements.
I'll never get the savagry out of my mind no matter how hard I try. Those pants took one look at my leg and ripped the bandage right off with its zipper. I cried out in pain but I had no strength. The pants were about to commence with a full scale amputation when the girl snatched them to her chest and crying she ran away!
I lay there gasping for breath, my leg shooting fire, and wondered how paying bills could ever have come to this."
-Nolan A., Calgary

If anyone can top this as an answer to a question of the something, I promise this: I will buy you ice cream. Or something. That's a darned good answer. But I did get another answer.

"Well..First, I Would Ask It How It Was, You Know, Strike Up Some Good Conversation. Then I Would Ask What Conditioner It Used That Made That Beautiful Glowing Green Color And Where I Could Find Some. Then Maybe We'd Churn Some Butter Together....."
-Allison P., Calgary

These two answers have something in common: Both times the glowing green pants are girls pants. Talking about conditioner? Churning butter? Talking at all? Clearly girly activities. There must be something about radioactive pants and females that go together. I suppose just like many mysteries of the female species, I'll have to stay off topics I don't know. I don't know why girls have radioactive glowing green pants and I suppose I don't need to know. Over six months of dating a girl helps you nothing I must say. Actually no wait, it does.

Next week's question
"Why is it that glowing green talking pants are always girl's pants?"

Underneath the Bee Conspiracy

Football season is either in full swing or right around the corner (depending on whether you follow the CFL or NFL). So for those of you who know absolutely NOTHING about football, here's a primer. The game is about taking a this oblong sort of round object (a ball) and having possesion of that object past a line on the opposite side of the field.
That out of way, I apparantly am going to be involved in some sort of "fantasy" team. I got suckered into it. Of course I then proceded to design my own logo for my team which is called "Rock and Roll on an Ostrich". So I will show you that logo. At the end.

Final words

Before I leave you, I will continue to plug my own work rather than the work of others. If you want to read back issues of the Cantaloupe, you can read most of them at http://thecantaloupe.blogspot.com. As well, a new site that has been started to clear up some inaccuricies in world history, read it here. You can go there and read what me and my friend Dan have done throughout the ages and why things are the way they are now. Thank you. Goodnight.

Trevor YVR Plett

(The following logo contains an ostrich with a rock and roll playing penguin riding it. As well, they are on a football field. Not the game called "football" in England, but the one in North America. Yeah, that one.)

Wait Until I Say Something Wierd

The Cantaloupe

Well well well. That's where you get water. Anyways the month of July has come and gone, summer being well over halfway done now. That's pretty scary or so you must think. I remember when I was a kid and you'd get the "Back to School" flyers at the beginning of July and I'd get so mad that those flyers would get pulverized beneath my mighty hands. Well I'm not going to comment on the fact that Back to School sales start in May, but I will write an issue of the Cantaloupe which is definitely due. The due date for an issue was last week already. I'm thinking I might have to induce this issue. Sorry, bad joke. From now on I promise to be funny. Okay? I hope you didn't accept my promise, because I make no such promises. The Cantaloupe is not for laughing subjects any more than it is for words. Words like commandership or flash.

Gone But Only Often Forgotten

There is a rumor that I was gone from Calgary and was in fact doing some relief work in West Virginia with an organization called S.W.A.P. I hate to inform you all that these rumors are true. And also these rumors are really strange considering it's been about a month since I got back. Get on with your lives people! That's the distant past! Where was I going now? Yes, I'm going to talk about what I did and stuff and things that happened. I left the wonderful green shores of Canada and went to the somewhat wonderful purple shores of the United States of America. Well as you might expect it was quite different there than here. Instead of igloos, they live in these funny wooden things they call "houses". Just a strange experience. And instead of eating whale blubber, they have things called "hamburgers".But that's not the strangest thing that is different down there. You see they have these things they call "cones", but they are actually pylons. Yes, I know, I just confused more than I ever thought possible, but it's okay. So I went down again and talked to some Americans. (When did I do this? Uhhhh....yesterday).

The Cantaloupe- Hey, what would you call this (holds a pylon)?
American A- A cone
The Cantaloupe- Do you put ice cream in it?
American A- No, I don't think so.
The C- What kind of ice cream?
AA- I said...
The C- Don't you think you should find something tastier to put your ice cream in?
AA- Like deep-fried condor?
The C- Sure

Okay Americans aren't all as strange as this person, but it was a good trip anyway. I was in a coal mine and it didn't cave in on me. How much better could it have been? I got tar on my legs, that was pretty darn fun (to get off). Yes, it was a good time. As the popular saying goes, "When you have a smile on your face, the world grows twice as large".

Section 2- Games That Are Exciting

One of the world's greatest games in the world is Balderdash. I quite enjoy this game. The original purpose in the game is to come up with answers that sound remotely believable. Of course this is one of those games (like miniature golf) that becomes far more enjoyable when you bend the rules slightly. For those of you who have no idea what I am talking about here are some of the "rules" of Balderdash. Originally you get a word (that nobody has ever heard of) and you have to come up with what you think it might mean. With our version you have days (what happened on that day), initials (what do they stand for), people (what are they known for) and movies (what are they about). If for example the clue was about a movie called "Zigfriedasaurus" the actual answer could read "A story about a lovable dinosaur that loses its job and then gets caught in a life of organized crime." Yeah, that's about it.
Well where am I going with this? Oh yes, me and my family played the game of Balderdash on Sunday night and it was an uproarious time. Simply wonderfultastic. So I figured I'd share some of the definitions we came up with. It can't be that bad. If you hate me, then you shouldn't have started to read this stuff in the first place. What are you a drunkard?
For the movie "One Exciting Night"
"The story of a man who worked in a box factory. One night he got to work with some sweet corrugated cardboard. Later that box would be used to store nails. Oh joy!"
For the word "Whiffler"
"The name of the world's most powerful supervillian. BEHOLD AS HE KNOCKS OVER CHAIRS WITH THE FLICK OF HIS WRIST. WATCH IN AWE AS HE STANDS IN HIS STRETCHY PANTS! BEHOLD THE WHIFFLER!"
Melissa came up with
"A man that wears tight leopard print pants and says 'look at me and my tight leopard print pants'"
For the movie "The Nut Farm"
"It's a feel-good story involving two crazy men running a farm. They try and try to grow wheat, but it never grows. Did I say it was a feel-good movie, because the only thing that will 'feel good' is when you finish watching the movie and thank the Lord you never have to watch it again."
Even my mom got into the act for "The Crime of Dr. Crespi"
"This doctor stole millions of dollars and hid them inside his patients when he did surgeries. When they died he dug up their graves to retrieve the money"
Now I think I'll stop here for now. What do you do when your mom starts giving answers like that? Really now. I guess you just go out and top her in strangeness maybe, but that's not hard for me.
For "April Love"
"Did I ever tell you how when Duane was 17 years old, he painted himself like an Indian and ran around naked yelling 'I love everybody'? Love is beautiful. Love also involves killing squirrels for no good reason."
Melissa wrote
"April love tree
April love cheesecake
April love communism
April love stuff
The end"
For "Hanson Crocket Gregory"
"'You're beautiful tonight,' said Hanson Crocket Gregory, 'beautifuller than the sun, a bucket of roses and orphaned kittens.'Then as Hanson Crocket Gregory got up he looked in the mirror a final time and the tears streamed down his face."
For "Fred Noonan" Melissa wrote
"First man to seen running out of his house naked and on fire"
For the word "Flitch"
"Last night a Flitch broke into my house and took my ice cream. Boy was I mad! And also upset. Come to think of it, I was more angry than anything. Angry enough to get more ice cream! And it was on sale! *shakes fist*"
Finally for the movie "The Jar"
"A revenge story about a guy who breaks a jar and then the jar's girlfriend has a complete breakdown and almost kills herself, but then decides to devote her life to taking out the man. Which is difficult, because she's a jar."

Oops! I Thought It Was Scrap

On Sunday I went to two really cool people's wedding. Patrick and Amanda. Their names aren't important to the story, but I figured I could mention them anyway considering they are fairly cool. Of course it was not my wedding, not my secret wedding. Not yet at least.
What I figured out is that as part of a secret wedding you need to have secret wedding invitations. Forget the secret wedding part, secret invitations are cool. You know how in the movies they always give the hero the message and then the message self-destructs? Isn't that cool? I'm not planning that for an invitation, but what I think would be cool is invisible ink. That way they have to put lemon juice on the invitation to read it. Thus in the wrong hands it would appear to be a normal piece of paper. In the right hands, it is a guide to a happy occasion. Or if you want to go hard core, invite the person then tell them it is important, but don't tell them it's a wedding. Just tell them to dress as if it's a wedding, to bring a gift as if it's a wedding and that there will a reception after, just like a wedding. Nobody would be able to tell from that, or the diamond ring on your girlfriend's finger. You see, people are stupid.

Question for the Summer

You know how when you're a kid and they ask you on the first day of school, "What'd you do this summer?" I wish all homework assignments were like that. Personal reflection is my favorite, because what are the teachers going to say, "I don't think you did go to Norway with your family. You didn't go windsurfing in the fjords!" No longer is it about being right and wrong, it's about style. If someone grades you bad, it's as if they grade YOU bad. No teacher is that cruel. I mean a lot of teachers aren't cruel. And most teachers don't make you come in after class to clean up the chalkbrushes, because you lied on some stupid paper.Wait, where was I?
Oh yes, the question.The question of the summer is:

"What would you have done this summer if you ran into a pair of walking, talking pants (glowing green)?"

Black is a Sad Color, Or Old Perhaps

As me and Melissa were browsing on the web, we came across the colorful bracelets that are supporting all these good causes. Like pink for breast cancer and the like. Well, there are a LOT of causes. There's bracelets for all sorts of things like "Not Leaving Your Kids Unattended in Cars" and "Boycotting Aruba". Well I think maybe I should get a black bracelet (which usually means somebody has died), because it doesn't have a negative association. One of the meanings of black is "Amish Support". I want to support the Amish! Go Amish Go!
I figured I'd mention this, because this issue, the long overdue issue of the Cantaloupe is going to leave you now. Don't be sad. Don't cry. Just go and support the Amish.
Churn some butter

Trevor YVR Plett

(There's also an orange bracelet that has to do with Hunger and I figured maybe I could keep it in my pocket and when I got hungry I'd put the bracelet on. How's that for a subtle hint? You've been waiting for your food at some restaurant for five hours and you haven't got your food. Want to stick it to them without making a big scene? Put on the orange bracelet. At your Thanksgiving dinner when Uncle Jimima has been praying for eighteen minutes now, put on that orange bracelet, just in case he decides to pray with his eyes open in the twenty-second minute. Maybe God himself will remind your Uncle. Anyway, the orange hunger bracelet will work wonders in your life. Get one today!)