THE CANTALOUPE or Shiny Pants Emporium

Orange You Glad I Didn't Say Banana

2008-10-21T03:26:00.000+02:00

The Cantaloupe

Let me begin by describing the last time I was in the shower. Don’t worry, I’m not going to provide too many awful details here. None at all.
What I really want to say about the shower is this: Most people have a place where they do their best thinking. Some people think the best in bed or on a favorite chair; others like me think the best in the shower. As of late, living in Edmonton, there’s been less things keeping me busy and I can think of wonderfully petty things like reviving whatever the heck the Cantaloupe is.
So there I was in the shower thinking about writing another Cantaloupe and totally forgetting to wash the shampoo out of my hair (fortunately there isn’t a bill here for gratuitous use of hot water). I realized that since I got engaged there has only been two new issues of the Cantaloupe. Thus I vowed that with my new found oodles of free time, I would rectify this situation.

Is It the Suds

Of all the odd places to think, why is it that I would think in the shower? And why so well? So I present a couple hypotheses as to the prevalence of the shower.

Clothes inhibit thinking
Sometimes the desire to wear clothes hurts people’s thinking skills. During a previous Labour Day Classic between Calgary and Edmonton there were a number of streakers near the end of the game, I’d say about five to eight of them all coming from the same place. Well one man of that group ran on the field wearing a pair of jeans, clearly not wanting 35000 people to see what was underneath. Unfortunately the police found out what it was, that’s right, marijuana! Thus his streaking modesty lead to him not thinking. Did his completely nude friends have marijuana? The cops will never know since they thought it through.
A counterpoint however would be the most famous naked people, Adam and Eve. If a snake told you to eat an apple would you do it? I’d probably wonder why a snake was talking to me personally. I’ve never even known a talking snake.Anyways, I’m not certain this is the answer we a looking for, so we must continue searching.

The real answer
The point at which I said I became lost in thought was just after my hair had become scrubbed with shampoo. While doing research for this issue (yes, I DO research), I came across some advertisements for Indian Head Massage. They claim that this process leads to clear thinking. In the same way, wouldn’t massaging your scalp with shampoo lead to clear thinking? Why pay money to some educated professional when you can simply do it yourself?
Head massage provides clear thinking. So why don’t we all go around rubbing our heads all day? Unfortunately myself, as well as most people, are afraid of developing a case of messy hair. If I went around rubbing my scalp my hair would be a giant poofball in twenty minutes. The reason I can do it when I’m in the shower is because while my hair is wet and lathered in shampoo, still a work in progress. Once my hair is a completed product I don’t want to touch it. Therefore if we were to keep our hair as an uncompleted product all day long, we could massage our scalps and we could use our brains.
My proposal is this: keep the shampoo in your hair. In fact carry a bottle of shampoo everywhere you go, constantly lathering your scalp.

Now that Shampoo Companies Love Me, The Tables Turn

The one thing I don’t quite understand about shampoo (other than the fact that they aren’t even giving you real poo) is the whole “no tears” shampoo. Can they really make that promise?If a baby has recently sat on a cactus and has cactus needles in their diaper, you think giving them shampoo is going to cause them to stop crying? Honestly I’m willing to guess not.Secondly, who tests these things when they are making it. Do they test it on real babies? For example does Herb the product tester jab a baby in the eyes with shampoo? Or maybe if it’s not okay to do on babies, do they jab a rat in the eyes?
Perhaps we will never know, but one theory I have is that the only way to really guarantee a “no tears” shampoo would be if somehow the shampoo dried up your tear ducts, which must logically be true, since all advertising slogans are correct.

Conditioner is good too, I like it.

YVR

(If anyone actually attempts to shampoo their hair in public, The Cantaloupe takes full responsibility for all damages, providing the damage is to the tails of cows. The Cantaloupe also takes responsibility for you being the coolest kid in school or at work. Be ready for eight promotions and a 25 cent salary increase annually.)

2007-12-31T00:18:00.000+01:00

This is the writer of The Cantaloupe. He often wears underwear just like everyone else. Just remember that if you dare.

We've Got Stalks and Stalks

2007-12-04T16:50:00.000+01:00

The Cantaloupe

When people explode it can be a celebration or a tragedy. It is really up to you. Were they someone quite important to your life? In that case, mourning would be the most appropriate action. On the other hand, if what exploded was a murderer bound to kill every living child on Earth, celebration would be better.
Of course what would be happier yet still is if nobody were to explode except a stupid mannequin which has no life in it at all. Man that would be an event to call home about. You could say, "Hello, is Mom home?.....No, she's out?......Okay, well could you leave a message....Uhhh...I saw a mannequin explode, yeah that's right, a mannequin exploded. Is that not the coolest thing ever?......Okay, you're right, that is cooler.....and that too.....wow, a lot of things are cooler......okay.....fine.......yep.........bye"
But there's two sides to every coin (unless you count the edges, but who would do that?). Some people would still be sad if you exploded a mannequin. For example, what if the mannequin was designed to sell products for a department store. How would they sell products? Then the owner of that store would become sad and maybe he'd go and run over someone's favorite pet hamster. The one that always squeaks, you know, Squeaky?? That would be bad.
But as I said, there's two sides to things. What if that company had a reputation for making rude jokes to 21 year old girls. Then would deserve to fail and have their mannequin explode. Asking girls, "So you're 21, going to out to clubs and partying with the boys?" is not an acceptable business practice. And squeaking is fairly annoying so maybe the family got a better hamster.
On the other hand maybe those girls were actually going out partying and the comment wasn't inappropriate in the first place. So you see, I could go on and no issue would be safe. I could argue as to why nuking the moon would benefit us or why Vanilla Ice was a one hit wonder, things like that.

The Obvious

So recently I got married and it was a wedding that all Cantaloupe readers must have enjoyed (if they were in attendance). Not only was there kissing (one of my personal favorite parts), but also mini trampolining! About three weeks before the wedding I thought "what better way to get onto the stage, but by bouncing there". So I did. And now I have a mini trampoline.
Speaking of mini trampolines, I found this safety tidbit online for the use of mini trampolines. And yes, I wrote it myself.
"The operation of a mini trampoline is not for everyone. Before you jump on one, make sure it is on a stable surface, not placed on the edge of a cliff or on a live grizzly bear. As well watch out for hazards around you (in case you want to jump off) such as pool of molten magma or a large man-eating plant. Finally only one person at a time should be on the mini trampoline, not ten kids and a fat pyromaniac holding a bowling ball."

Creepy is just Ypeerc Backwards

When you get married and move into your own place you often have to get stuff to fill that place up. Melissa and I were on a quest to find a new couch a couple of weeks back and that quest nearly turned scary.
You see we went to a store called "Leon's" where once we walked in there was this guy that came up to us and offered to help us select a couch. He was middle aged, bald (you know with the ring), he had a mustache and was regular height and decently thin. Basically he was every woman's dream physically. I don't quite remember his name, but for our purposes let's call him Philbert.
We told Philbert that we didn't need any help selecting a couch and that we were "fine". Of course that wasn't what Philbert heard, as we shall see later in this story. So we left Philbert there and went in search of the perfect couch. We walked to the back of the store looking at couches, but we couldn't find anything we wanted. It was all stuff that was meant to be purchased by people like Philbert and not younger people. So we started back towards the middle of the store and who was standing but twenty feet away but Philbert! He was undoubtedly looking for a couch himself for his make out sessions (you know since he's a woman's best friend). We walked by him and went to the other end of store to look at couches, but it seemed Philbert was following us the whole way. This was getting a little bit strange. Hopefully he wasn't after my wife, because in that competition I wouldn't have had a chance. So we kept looking and he kept about twenty feet between us and him.
That's when I felt my bladder twitch. I needed to find a washroom. So I walked yet to another part of the store where the washrooms were and entered. I walked to the urinal and I heard a sound. Was it Philbert? No, it was me using the urinal. I finished and washed my hands, still waiting. I walked out of the washroom where to my non surprise Philbert kept guard about twenty feet away. I could take it no longer, I had to leave. I grabbed Melissa and escorted her out of the store without a couch.
This is a true story, don't let Leon's get to you and your children. Stay away, stay far away or they'll take your girl out for fine dining.

Where will Philbert strike next? Stay tuned

Further Marriage Tips

Here's a list of advice for anyone getting married in the next eighty years or so
-If you're a bride and you're about to walk down the aisle, make sure to pick your nose clean before you go in, because you might get the urge up front and there's a lot of eyes watching.
-It might be cute to throw some stupid line into your vows (like "I promise to love you even when you have PMS"), but remember that your significant other can always throw in a cute line of their own like "I don't"
-Find socks to wear that don't have holes in them. Trust me on this one.
-Getting married is tiring and you need sleep so make sure once you get to your hotel to go straight to bed. You see all you have in a hotel room is a TV anyways and there's nothing on late at night, so just get your sleep.

Just remember those things. Goodnight.

Trevor YVR Plett

(Marriage is like a sleepover, only there's less sleep and more making food and cleaning up things)

Stories From the Depths of Bible College

2007-04-16T01:56:00.000+02:00

The Cantaloupe

As you may have noticed being engaged has its ups and downs. One of the downsides is you get far less Cantaloupes as usual, although that could have other reasons as well (busyness). So I needed to get back to the basics and what better way than to tell you some things that have really happened and really occured? Or things that at least were part of my regular life. Or part of my "regular" life. Thus I present to you stories from the depths of the Bible College experience.

Self fulfilling prophecy at its peak

On Mondays and Wednesdays there seems to be a deeply seated desire from some of our parts to go out for lunch. I honestly can not figure out why this is. Lunch to me is the second least important meal of the day. Why would you bother going out to eat it? Whatever.
Anyways, the story goes as follows. The designated spot for this so-called eating ended up being Wendy's. Now while we were standing in line my friend Trevor (just in case you're confused his last name begins with P) tells me to go order a "Wendy's basket". I ask him what that is. He says "exactly". I am game for anything I guess so I go up to the counter and I say "I'd like a Wendy's basket". The lady at the counter is confused and I confess that I'd actually rather have a Spicy Chicken Sandwich in a combo. Disaster averted, but the story doesn't end there.
Lunch has been eaten and we are sitting around doing whatever. Suddenly one of the employees at Wendy's comes to our table with the Wendy's basket! Yes, the Wendy's basket that contains mints. This is all I know, there is no coincidences, I have never seen a Wendy's basket before or after and it came out the day I asked for one.
The moral of the story is that the customer is always right. If only I had asked for the Wendy's briefcase full of money.

Acts of Power

There is a story in the Bible that we were discussing in class one day and I am going to tell you about it. It has amazing relevence to us today. It all started in class when the story of Philip and the Ethopian eunoch came up. Well as the story goes the eunoch was walking around depressed not only by the fact that he couldn't understand Scripture, but also the fact that he had lost his manhood. Philip comes by and pities the poor dude, and he explains the Scriptures and reassures him that in the next life he can have his manhood back.
This of course isn't the point of the story. The point of the story that is of the utmost importance was directly after this, Philip randomly disappears and reappears in another location! Here's the actual quote, "When they came up out of the water, the Spirit of the Lord snatched Philip away; and the eunuch no longer saw him, but went on his way rejoicing. But Philip found himself at Azotus, and as he passed through he kept preaching the gospel to all the cities until he came to Caesarea". This was a very cool thing that happened. Christians are supposed to want amazing spiritual gifts, but never before did I realize I could have the spiritual gift of teleportation! Just like Nightcrawler!

The Christian Doctrine of Superpowers (i.e. Mutation)

We have now established that teleportation is possible, but what about other abilities? Let us go straight to the words of Jesus, whom the entire faith is based upon. "And Jesus answered and said to them, 'Truly I say to you, if you have faith and do not doubt, you will not only do what was done to the fig tree, but even if you say to this mountain, 'Be taken up and cast into the sea,' it will happen.'" So just as Jesus caused a fig tree to wither, you could pick up a mountain with your mind and move it! Professor X had some amazing mental abilities, and could move things with his mind, but a mountain? So certainly your abilities would have to include all of his if you were greater. So you see, the gift of telekinesis is another spiritual gift.
Let's look further, Paul was bitten by a poisonous snake without any effects and was stoned without any effects. If there isn't Wolverine references there I don't know what they are. That's some pretty crazy healing.
Elijah called down fire on multiple occasions, clearly an impressive power. Moses did a whole bunch of cool things.
Here's the kicker, Jesus once said to his disciples this message, ""Truly, truly, I say to you, he who believes in Me, the works that I do, he will do also; and greater works than these he will do". Now what are some of the things he did, he walked on water, he walked through walls, he controlled the weather (Storm?) and so on.
Thus all Christians have the ability to develop superpowers, whether flying, healing, strength, morphing, or whatever. I'm still holding out on the power that I want to be able to shoot any liquid out of my hands/fingers.

On the superpower track

When we were discussing superpowers, one that came up was Elisha's ability to control animals. There's a story where he goes into this village and a bunch of youth jeered him, so he calls down bears which maul and kill 42 of them.
Basically the moral I came up with is I would never ever want Elisha to work in youth ministry. That simply wouldn't do. When leading a bunch of teenagers, you can't get angry and call bears to attack and kill them. Not the best way to deal with problems really.
I can just picture it. Elisha has a few announcements to make and the youth are being rowdy, well it's not quite as severe, so maybe he calls a herd of big horn sheep to butt the youth into submission. If there's a hyper junior high kid that is getting on Elisha's nerves, maybe he'd call in a woodpecker to come after his knees. Yeah I just don't think he'd last long in ministry.

ANGRY YOUTH PARENT- Didn't the schedule call for Praise & Worship?
ELISHA- Yes, that's what we did
AYP- Is it relatively common for badgers to be involved in this?
ELISHA- The youth weren't taking it seriously enough
AYP- Well now my kid has huge scratches all over his face!
ELISHA- A handy reminder

Either way, I just don't think it'd be his gift.

ANNOUNCEMENT

From the creative mind who brought you the Cantaloupe and curly hair for all, comes a night of comedy and drama called "The Eight Legged Phylange (with Nine Legs)". This wonderful event happens on April 28th at 7:00 p.m. at Abbeydale Christian Fellowship Church (1352 Abbeydale Dr. SE) so come out and enjoy the laughter and fun.
As for cost? None, BUT it is a fundraiser for our youth as we head out to Saskatchewan so those would be appreciated. Thank you.

Oh yes, and a reminder to go and check out the archives of all old Cantaloupe articles at http://thecantaloupe.blogspot.com

Trevor YVR Plett

(9)

Interplanetary Delinquency

2007-01-26T00:25:00.000+01:00

The Cantaloupe

Hello everyone and a very late happy new year. The Cantaloupe has had a long and illustrious history and yes, my current writing efforts are not going out to producing much in the way of entertainment of you all. I think it's mainly because I'm more selfish than ever before. You see when I could be making people laugh and thus happy, I'd rather go to school or spend time with girl. How selfish can I get? Thus I owe all of you an apology, because things aren't going to change. When you get the Cantaloupe you will get it. That's when you'll get it in case you were wondering. Get it?

Our Earth is in Peril

A picture I saw on someone's fridge the other week got my thinking. When you have kids, sometimes you will have obedient ones and sometimes you will have disobedient ones. I'm not talking about you specifically as in you the reader, because most of you are not in the position to be having kids. Having kids is bad, they drain your wallet and they steal attention from you. Anyways I was talking about a random person's kids. What is true about all kids is that they crave attention and they want people to notice them.
A healthy child will find that they are happier receiving good attention for doing good things. There are kids however that do not receive a lot of attention period and thus will rebel as a mean of having others notice them.For example, a child may neglect their school work so that mom and dad will notice them and spend time with them. A child may beat another kid up. Sometimes a child will even listen to country "music". Usually, children will do this when their parents are absent.
This brings me back to the picture on the fridge. It had aliens in it. This made me think, are aliens a lot like disobedient children? Actually I have no idea why I made this connection, but that's not the point.
"What do aliens do us", you ask. Have you seen the movies? Aliens are evil and they have in mind only to abduct and torture innocent people, or they want to annihilate the human race entirely. For these reasons, people are afraid of alienkind.
But why do you think aliens act the way they do? Most people don't even acknowledge their existence! Just like a neglected child, a neglected alien is likely to lash out in an attempt to get your attention. Then we simply reinforce that behavior by giving them that attention. Humankind is guilty of ignoring these cries for help from a species vastly beyond our own in technology, but behind in the area of social development.
Now I ask, just because these creatures are more destructive than your average child, does that mean we should treat them any differently? No! So when a large UFO flies over the city of Los Angeles and reduces it from a thriving city to a pile of dust, should that dominate the newspapers around the entire world? No! That just gives these attention-starved aliens what they want. Soon they'll do it again just so we will know they are here. Instead we need to commend the good things the aliens do. Let's take them to our leaders and make them feel welcomed. Let's announce in the newspapers all the times when the aliens DIDN'T reduce a city to heaps of rubble. For example the daily news could be "ALIENS FOUGHT URGE OF DESTRUCTION OF PLANET AND WON!" Wouldn't that help the aliens get positive attention?
You don't have to believe me and do what I say. You can all huffy and talk about those "aliens these days that have no respect for anything. They're noisy, lazy, foul-mouthed and most of all completely murderous!" Why do you think they're murderous? It's because of you and your self-fulfilling prophecies. You cause them to be so with your ignorance.
Aliens are here to stay, they aren't going anywhere and they are the future of Earth. Let's teach them how to govern it when they eventually take over. You can love them, care for them, show them how to ride a bike. Yes, be their friend, but give them firm boundaries. If they get out of line, they need disciplining. They crave discipline. Even if they vaporize one of your kids as a joke, remember not to get too upset. Tell them how wrong that behavior was. Try and see things from their perspective; your kid may have been annoying them and might be just as at fault as the alien. That doesn't get them off the hook however and they need to be punished for their actions. I recommend a loss of privileges for such an action. For the next week they will not be allowed to insert their uranium tubes into their stomach. If they vaporize more kids, then you'll have to just be more firm. Hopefully it won't come to that.
Thanks for listening to this, the future of our planet depends on your actions.

Our Wonderful Land to the North

Two weekends ago I took an unexpected turn and drove north three hours to the city of Edmonton. There had been a fairly substantial snowstorm two days before I went up and that city was blanketed. Thus, when I got to drive around town, every road in the city was covered with bumpy hard-packed snow. Clearly the city council had decided to save money for the city by abandoning use of snowplows. A smart decision I must say. Let driver's drive at their own risk. It's a very good motto for anyone to have. Say a thumbtack truck accidentally unloads all his cargo in the middle of the Trans Canada Highway, well it's too bad if you're a sucky driver. You could have avoided the ten foot high pile of tacks! It would take half an hour at least to clear the road. That's far too much time and effort!
Now I must say I don't know where I'm going with this piece of writing. Am I making fun of the city of Edmonton? Yes, it would appear to be the way of paper, but really I wanted to mention it as a start of a satirical piece. It didn't work out very well and I'm not quite sure where I want to end up. You see I often do this, I'll start out saying something and then I'll stop and realize this doesn't work out that well.You see, the city of Edmonton has loads of good memories for me. I can't really complain about it too much. But that's not something funny and because of that I feel I have failed you as an audience.
If any of you ask it of me, I will end my life

Inside a Common Elevator

Since I'm bad at writing comedy, I'll write biography instead. They have always said that the best cure for a crazy man is to find a crazy woman and that would cure you. Well Melissa isn't quite that crazy, you know, as me.
You see sometimes a man likes to carry around a lunch pail sized box that has flower patterns on the outside. I am one of those types of men. You see when you carry around something like that, people will always ask you what is in the box. It gives you an aura of mystery. What if there is nothing in the box? Also some men like to have cola bottles (you know the candy) in that box so they can give it to their girlfriend while in an elevator. They're the best candy ever so why wouldn't you want to have them in a flowery box? Also some men have smaller boxes in these boxes, you know the whole Russian doll thing. And yes, unfortunately some men when taking out the smaller box, accidentally drop the larger box onto their girlfriend and hurt her in the process. I swear I didn't mean to! However sometimes when you're riding an elevator you have an urge to drop to one knee and ask Melissa to marry you with the contents of the smaller box. I got such an urge almost two weeks ago. And so I did it. I know it's the most incredibly romantic place on the Earth, probably because I know the female mind much better than anybody else, how else would I know that what woman really want for Valentine's Day was a bag of potatoes?
Anyways the moral of the story is that I am going to be getting married, most likely in November to a very wonderful girl (oh yes, and for bonus points, she is beautiful as well). So for the next couple issues of The Cantaloupe I will talk about wedding preparations. YAY! Okay, I might not for all of them.

Question of the Occasion

What Cantaloupe-esque thing should I do at my wedding?

Thank you and have a wonderful January

Trevor YVR Plett

(Oh yes, I predicted this would happen. I got engaged on January 13, 2007. It was an event that I very often referenced as "Christmas", making Melissa think it would actually happen at Christmas. She doesn't quite understand metaphors, and I don't quite understand onomatopoeia. Now go back to the Cantaloupe archives and find an issue called "Hope Hype Type" which mentions the day I would propose. Go and find it yourself!)

Yuletide Shapeshifter

2006-12-21T01:47:00.000+01:00

The Cantaloupe

As I sit down at the computer and try and write the Christmas edition of the Cantaloupe, I can't help but wonder...why is this going to be a Christmas edition? I mean I seem to have missed American Thanksgiving. Oh well, I guess next year is as good as anytime, right?
This is going to be my first issue, since Richard Nixon became President or so it seems. Or at least since he became head of the International Committee for the Extinction of the Chimpanzee. By the way, in case you've been out of the loop, this is real news!
I'd like to ask your forgiveness as providing you with humor should triumph over all other responsibilities and time commitments I may have. Either that or I should train a bunch of kids over in Vietnam to write for me. They'll be cheap and efficient. If they do a good job, maybe I'll give them a slice of bread on top of the nothing I pay them. Although I decided against that, because you all would hate me. The Vietnamese children don't deserve bread...(there now that I've appeased the anti-children folks among you, I can tell you what I really think. I think Vietnamese children are special, maybe even as special as you or me. I didn't want to offend people who believed otherwise.)

(Oh yes, just in case you're wondering why I just said what I did. The people who hate children, and Vietnamese children don't ever read what is written within the context of parenthesis. It's an unwritten rule for them)

Holiday Wish List

Before I go too much further I wanted to talk about a certain medical condition and it's cure. The medical condition is death. There are people who die and this is sad. People should not die.
Another thing that is common knowledge is that people will usually become more generous at Christmas. If there is a cause to do something about people rally around it. Like the time that guy on TV told us about a poor man who was starving and he didn't have a big enough place to live and then the world rallied around him, even small children gave him their only nickel. You see, the man who had nothing now has a gold-plated house to sleep in with five swimming pools. All thanks to your generosity!
Back to the issue at hand. Melissa tells me this idea is really stupid and that's the brilliance of it. Or more probably, the stupidity of it. (You can't spell brilliance without "ill crab" and doesn't the idea of that sound stupid). There are people who have diseases that are not curable. It is not a single organ that must be transplanted or anything. Some people just need a new heart for Christmas or a new liver. We are not talking about those people, although you could donate them a heart or liver out of Christmas spirit. What we need these holidays is for people to recieve a full body transplant.
Let's bring up a hypothetical idea for you. Jack Prickle has a disease called "Chronic Death Syndrome", a disease that has never been cured. He has about three weeks left to live. His family is not a very rich one, his wife and six young children are on the verge of starvation. All because Jack Prickle can't survive. It appears the only present his children will recieve this year is well not a present at all. It's a lack of father.
Now, this is time where you can donate. You can save Jack Prickle and his family. For all that Jack Prickle needs is a full body transplant. What's a full body transplant? Let's explain, a heart transplant involves the removal of the bad heart and the insertion of the new heart. A full body transplant involves removing the bad body and insertion of a new body. That way, everything is healthy again, heart, lungs, brain, face, legs and all.
The difficulty in full body transplants is finding a willing donor. In the case of most organ donations, they are removed from bodies that are dead. When you are to transplant an entire body, that would be useless. So how then should we find donors? Well, you have to ask. At Christmastime you need to consider being generous enough to give up your own body. Think about poor Jack and his family. Wouldn't you rather solve that problem?
Here's what will happen. In the time they have left with Jack they will get memories and attributes from him. Then they will take you and wipe your memory completely clean and insert the memories and attributes they have taken from Frank. Viola! Frank returns and he's completely healthy!
Think about the joy his children will feel when their father comes home for Christmas!

Sally (age 4)- "Daddy, you're home!"
Timmy (age 5)- "You look different"
Radioactive Sludge (age 9)- "Are you a girl?"

Well, okay, it is common practice for full body transplants that you don't change the gender of the transplantee. If there is enough urgency though, you can't be picking and choosing. Frank is going to die, would you rather him be gone forever, or be a girl? That's right, I figured you'd rather him be a girl. As well, it is common practice to keep the ages of the two people as close together as possible and almost always to make the person a little bit younger, but if all you have to transplant for the 45 year old father is a twelve year old girl, you have to do it. Little Nancy heard about Frank's family and she wanted to help. All she had to give was herself, so concessions must be made. Little Nancy is now a high ranking executive at a trampoline manufacturer and a father of six. After our highly trained brain washers get through with her, that's what she'll believe anyways.
Christmas is a fabulous time of giving and you might want to think about making it an extra special Christmas for a family without hope. Give the gift of life, your life.

Any Bodies?

With Christmas around the corner we could talk about many things, the meaning of Christmas, but that's already been done. We could talk about Christmas memories and songs, but I've already done that. What haven't I done?
I don't know what I haven't done, but I could tell you some of the coolest gifts to get your loved one this Christmas. A $2 gift card is always a very thoughtful gift. I mean who can resist those especially to a VW dealer or something?
Sometimes at Christmas it isn't so much the gift, but the thought that counts. Do you love this person enough to save their life? Well maybe you can do it! Just arrange to have some crazed lunatic hold them hostage and then appear to rescue them. That way, they'll have the happy Christmas feeling of knowing there's always a friend there for them. Ditto for driving a car at them and other possibly tragic circumstances.
The beauty of this of course is that even if they find out it was you behind these terrible things, at Christmas they will know it was the thought that counted and they will forgive you and you'll be able to sing "Away in a Manger" as loud and poorly as humanly possible.
Isn't Christmas a great season?

Celebrate the Ball of Cheer

In the spirit of this wonderful holiday (and I actually mean that), I'd like to wish all of you a Merry Christmas free from any of the mayhem I have suggested above.
If you have any questions or comments about what I have written or Christmas in general, feel free to respond.
MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Trevor YVR Plett

(Remember when I said Christmas was 81 days away? I was wrong. It is only five or longer for some of you maybe who don't get to celebrate Christmas right away. For example, it may be that some of you are attempting to break the world record for the most time between Christmas and when you celebrate Christmas. This is a difficult record to break because if you wait too long, you are simply celebrating an early Christmas. Thus you have to celebrate Christmas sometime between 1:00 p.m on June 25 and 1:00 p.m on June 26. But how to tell if that's a record because maybe the exact middle of 1:00 a.m is the time to celebrate. Does that mean beginning or end? Who knows? I'll let the scholars devoted to such things answer that question)

C^a?%nt>l&pe Er*rr^r

2006-10-25T04:57:00.000+02:00

tHE CaNtalOUPe

I would simply like right now to apologize for all the formatting errors that most of you have been receiving. Those who have experienced the horrors of HTML know what it is all about. Those of you who have received the Cantaloupe as normal, you are the lucky few. Terrible has been the curse of HTML, for instead of being able to read things clearly, they are all garbled. For you, I am sorry for my involvement, but it was not intentional. Perhaps some crazy shaman dude named Crazy Shaman Dude put a curse on your e-mail so it wouldn't read properly. Again I apologize. You know, I think it actually might have been my fault.

The Story That Explains What I Just Said

I was walking down the street the a while back when I saw this stand. There was this old man with a pointy hat and a long wispy beard standing there looking, well, crazy. His teeth were showing in a maniacal fashion. So as any random person on the street would do if they saw a frightening old man, I went and talked to him.
"Hey, what's this stand for", I asked.
"I'm a shaman; I curse people," he replied.
Well I now knew what he was. He was shaman. That might explain why wasn't wearing any clothes other than a loincloth. It made sense to me now. If he wearing a three-piece suit or a twelve-piece suit he might be willing to curse corporations; this was a simple shaman who would only curse people.
"or livestock," he interrupted my thoughts.
Darn those crazy shaman! Those are my thoughts! Stop breaking into them. I don't want you to do that. Where was I? Oh yes, people. He would curse people. I looked at the signs which showed certain curses and their prices. You could get a death curse for $100; I didn't quite want anyone dead yet. As well, I knew shaman elsewhere who would kill someone for half that price. Infertility curses cost $50; Baldness curses cost $20. I kept looking and I saw a curse that really caught my eye. The Yellowaphobia curse.
"What's the Yellowaphobia curse", I asked.
"It makes you afraid of the color yellow," he answered.
Woah! That's super cool. I could make someone afraid of the color yellow. I told the shaman that I was going to get this curse for someone. He told me it would cost me $15. I hesitated for a second, because if a death curse cost $100, that seems a little much just to be afraid of yellow.
"I'll give you $10," I said.
"I'm not going lower than $12," he replied.
So $12 it was, I was willing to pay that much. So the shaman went to the back of his little stand and grabbed his cauldron, always a sensible thing to start with. He called his evil incantations and then he stopped.
"Wait, who am I cursing again," he asked me.
"I never told you," I said, "but I would like to curse Elmo, you know, from Sesame Street."
The shaman gave me this really long and sort of creepy stare. I can't quite explain it to you, but if you've ever been stared at by a shaman before, you know what it is like. He probably was used to people cursing their wife, or husband, or mother-in-law, or Charlie Sheen.
Well, to make a long story short, Crazy Shaman Dude cursed Elmo, but then he surprised me.
"With that curse you get a free HTML curse," he told me.
He then explained that the HTML curse causes e-mail you send to be garbled and nonsense like that. It didn't sound all that great, I mean wouldn't I want people to be able to read stuff I wrote? Wouldn't I want to get a burrito after I had left the shaman? Well I decided that I WOULD in fact get the burrito.
"Do you want it or not," he asked impatiently.
"I think I'll pass"
"But it's free"
"Well, if it's free I'll get it I guess"
So there you have it, I suppose that would be the real reason that many of you are complaining about my e-mails looking like stupid nonsense. It's all because of Crazy Shaman Dude. He's a bit of a jerk if I might say so myself, but don't tell him that, because I hear he gets employee discounts.
Either way, don't blame me, it was an accident. I didn't mean to tell anybody to curse you. I just did it. I didn't mean to pay the man money, but I did. You can't blame me that's for sure.
That's the problem with our society, people never take responsibility for their actions. They are always trying to look at other people. Just because I went to a shaman and got a curse placed on you, it's MY fault. Really? C'mon, that's ridiculous! And you were just a victim weren't you? Sitting there at home sipping tea and eating a burrito that I should have been eating right after I was done getting the curse done! The burrito place was closed!

Snakes and Apples and Trees, Oh My!

The other day I was watching Sesame Street like I always do on Sundays and I don't like it as much as I used to. You see, I think there's too much violence. Why did Elmo attack Big Bird? I suppose we'll never know. I blame the writers of the show. They're to blame. It's a kid's program. A KID'S PROGRAM!I suppose it goes to show you that when you're backed in a corner with nowhere to escape you have to lash out. Whether that's at an angry mob or a large cartoonish bird, it's all the same.

My Final Confession

Okay, maybe you can blame me for some of what happened. There, I said it. Now let's stop pointing fingers and move on. No? There are still fingers pointed? Okay, well I have a solution called "Question of the Week". It's a good solution.

Today's question is..."If there were a curse that should be placed on me as retribution for this crime, what should it be?"

Otherwise if there is nothing left to say, I'd simply like to acknowledge that going to a shaman is a bad idea. It's a little wrong if you know what I mean. Of course, you can't blame me, because I didn't know he was a shaman. His name was Crazy Shaman Dude and he said he was a shaman, I figured that it had to be a joke. I gave his money because I felt sorry for him, or....maybe a little bit just to curse Elmo. Don't go to a shaman. It's wrong.

Trevor YVR Plett

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Door to Door Generic (and Carpet)

2006-10-23T07:06:00.000+02:00

Door to Door Generic (and Carpet)

There is a man that many of you know. This man is a little strange, but what do you expect from a politician? Yes, but only a politician at heart. You see in the year 2004 he lost his presidential election and thus had to find other areas of work. He worked at a diner for awhile getting people's orders and all that. Now he has moved up in the world. Yes, Tim Generic now goes door-to-door selling carpet (and other things). So let's set the stage for you. It is a typically cool fall day at around 4:00 p.m. Your average person is either still at work or "sick". It was at this time that the man known as Generic began to walk the streets of a community called "Pinkview". He strolled down the street with a confidence that comes from thinking you are always right. He strolled like a baby that could walk and talk would. You know the kind. Up the path beside the grass he went until he came to his first doorway, where he sold a carpet. The next house did not wish to have carpet. For our purposes the third house was important simply because that's the story we shall tell. It's no more exciting or less than the houses before or after, but you won't know that. Generic went up to the door and rang the doorbell. About five seconds passed before he heard the sound of someone going up (or down) the stairs. Then the door swung upon and there was a girl, about 21, there at the door. That's our beginning:

TIM GENERIC- Hello, young lady. My name is Tim Generic. I can see your carpet is dull and lifeless. That is a terrible shame. You see, brown is a color that does not take advantage of our freedom in life. We live in a land that allows all kinds of colors of carpet, red, blue, black, even navy blue! To abuse this right by having brown carpet is a shame you have had for far too long. People in third world nations like Africa or France might have to put up with such things, but you shouldn't have to.Entrust your money in my hands and I can change all of that. My promises are real, I will not let you down. The carpet will become new. Freedom of carpet is a right that all people should have.

GIRL- Uhhh....well I don't really have that freedom. You see, I'm renting this place and I don't think they'd let me change my carpet.

TG- That's a shame. The powers that be have let you down time and time again. They've not only taken a rolling pin and squashed your rights like a playdough dinosaur, but they've taken a flamethrower and torched the memories of them. Authority is there for the people, not the other way around. It is people like you, the highly attractive young women of our society who should be able to have good looking things. You see, I myself like attractive women. They are a diverse people group that adds so much to the fabric of our land. I, Tim Generic, firmly hold that these women should not be confined to simply toil away at home for no reason at all, they should have husbands to do it for.

GIRL- I'm confused. What are you saying? Are you saying....no....wait....Are you hitting on me?!TG- What I'm saying is that if you vote for Tim Generic, he will give you the time of your life. And you know that promise is good, because I used to be a politician.

GIRL- Aren't you a little old to be going out with me?

TG- Our land has a long history. We came and truimphed over the evil Native people who tried to steal the land we rightfully found. They hadn't sailed over the whole ocean to get there, but they thought they owned the place anyways. Years passed and we had more wars to fight, but none were for our very right to freedom like that war was. Now we're fighting another war of the same kind. As our cities grow, it is the trees themselves who hinder us. They do not move along with our society and because of that, they are resisting us. We cannot let the trees win, we must chop them down and pull their roots from ground!

GIRL- I....uhhhh....don't get it.

TG- That's because you don't have wisdom my dear. You see the trees as your friends, because you don't know any better. Yes, things must change and new ideas are valuable, but it should be led by those with knowledge and experience. A society cannot be stagnant and without change, but it must not reject new ideas as well. For example, we certainly have a good thing with carpets, but soon we must innovate, perhaps by creating carpets that also play MP3's. In that way carpets will survive the onslaughts of the DVD player.

GIRL- The DVD player isn't really quite competing with the carpet though....and a DVD player doesn't even play MP3's.

TG- That matters not, what matters is that you're a hot young woman and I'm a moderately attractive middle-aged man. Sometimes you have to think, not what's best for yourself, but what is best for your country.

GIRL- So I'm going to go on a date with you, because that's what's best for our country?

TG- People often argue about what is best for our country. Should we build hospitals, should we educate our children? What should we do? There a number of answers to this question. I believe our country is best served when people live out their right to freedom. In this country, you have the choice to marry whomever you may choose. In some countries, there is no choice. If you are the son of the king, you will be married off to the princess of some other country. It doesn't matter whether or not she is hot, you don't have a choice. That's what's great about our land. You can refuse those woman that are not smoking hot. I am exercising my rights for freedom, how about you?

GIRL- I suppose I'm flattered that you think I'm hot...

TG- I must give credit where credit is due. Your legs are like firehoses, that our heroic firefighters use to save people from the corruption of fire; your hands are the hands of the masses, able to do whatever they please; your mouth is like a guitar, which our land's musicians use to give hope and joy; your eyes are like the electoral process, which enables people to view the problems of our culture and choose the proper method of moving forward. Yes, you have the eyes of democracy! Your hair cascades down your head like money flows to a politician who takes bribes. Your breasts...

GIRL- I get it. Thank you. Nobody has ever said anything so kind about me. You're not like all those other guys at all. My last boyfriend was a big jerk. He always would invite me over to his house so we could play shuffleboard all night long. And he never let me win! Then he'd kick me out before breakfast so I'd have to eat Capt'n Crunch at my house. Of course, that's not the worst thing. He always would sneak off into my room and steal some of my pants. And if that's not creepy enough, he'd stick twizzlers to the butt and return them so that when I was wearing those pants, guys would come and grab my butt. Of course they didn't want to grab my butt, they just saw the twizzlers and you know how a guy's mind works. When they see those twizzlers, they have to have them. Of course, he still told me he loved me, and I felt maybe if I gave it a few years of marriage he'd change his ways for me. He didn't. In fact he dumped me before we even got married, or engaged, or anything. He was just using me, because of my good looks and body and the fact that I have that ultimate fighting channel on my TV package.

TG- Tim Generic is not that kind of person. Tim Generic is a sweet, gentle family man.

GIRL- You have a family?

TG- Tim Generic likes families, but he doesn't have one of his own (just yet). He is down to earth and represents the people of this land. He loves each and every one of them. He also has a vision about our future and yours too. A vision that involves cooked goose on everyone's dinner table, a vision that has five cars in every garage, yes, a vision that let's us continue to choose our wives. Even if we want more than one wife, we should be allowed, because it isn't freedom to deny us that right.

GIRL- You don't even know my name yet, though.

TG- It is true that I don't know your name, but you are more than a statistic to you. You are a person with real problems and real issues. Some people need a shelter and we should give those people a nice box to sleep in. Some people need clothes and we should give those people some plastic bags, so they can be warm. You don't need a name so much as you need a man to go to dinner with.

GIRL- Okay, I'll go, but my name is Clara.

TG- Awesome, 6:00 sound good?

CLARA- Yeah, what's the plan from there

TG- We head over to the Olive Garden, which we shall experience some of the wonderful cultures that make our land so great, then we will go see a movie, "Snakes on a Plane", which shall remind us that the terrorists are powerful, and they have snakes. Lots of snakes. We must be wary. Then finally we shall head back to your place, and uhhh....

CLARA- Do what?

TG- Well, maybe you could convince your landlord because, you see, I'd like to sell you a new carpet. Perhaps a red one with a little bit of blue and grey. They're highly affordable you know.

Hope, Hype, Type

2006-10-06T00:09:00.000+02:00

The Cantaloupe

Just a few thoughts before I get going into more pressing topics from my head today. Is anyone else getting a little tired of Christmas music? Anyone? Okay, so I haven't heard much yet, just a little bit. But with three months ahead of us (and two heavy months) of Christmas music coming. I know that for myself, Christmas music isn't quite as bad as the recent Thanksgiving music barrage. Singing all their happy Thanksgivingy stuff. About Turkey Gus, the Thanksgiving Turkey and how he's going to bring you a bucketful of stuffing.
Seriously, it's barely October and all these people on the internet and stuff have begun to talk about Christmas. It's three months away! Nearly a lifetime. All I know is I would wait until at least a month before something to mention it. For example, I totally am not going to mention that I am looking forward to it being summer again, or even spring. Why? Because that's not living in the present. I will not mention Christmas...
...Again?

But I Think I Will. Hey Look Over There, It's Christmas!

Actually I have a story to tell that I don't think I ever got around to telling. It's about a month old. I figure you all should know it, because it concerns and hurts us all.
It all starts back in the days of September. They were days of bliss in some regards. You see, we were in the process of moving Melissa up to University of Alberta and thus it was me, her and her parents. On Sundays, I usually have a lot of food at lunch and usually fairly late. Her family did not and so along the way they stopped at McDonald's while I did not eat because I was full.
Later we were staying at this house north of Edmonton, when it got around that we hadn't eaten supper. I was feeling a little bit of food envy or something. At this particular town, they had an A & W and they had a KFC. At the time, I was up for some good old-fashioned finger-lickin' good chicken, but I decided that even if I couldn't have any, I'd go to KFC anyway.
So we drive up to the drive-through menu where you order and they informed us that they were out of chicken. I guess the "C" in the name really just stands for Company or Corporation and they don't really Kentucky Fry anything in particular now do they? Do they?Now let's clarify here for a second. Many things I write in the Cantaloupe are fiction. They are not intended to be true and you should not perseve them as things that have happened to me or any other person that I know. However this was real. Realer than the time I got ran over by a cement truck in Nigeria.
When I found out I couldn't get chicken at a KFC I lost all hope. What was the point in life anymore? Isn't there a few things you can always count on? The sun will come up in the morning. The grass will always be greener on the other side. There will always be chicken at KFC. Well one of those things was wrecked forever. Let's go back to KFC though. I wondered what was the point of them being open was. What were they selling other than chicken. When I told my sister-in-law Krista she thought maybe some people were going to order a bucket full of coleslaw. Mmmmm....good old fashioned Kentucky Fried Coleslaw!

However what has became apparant is KFC no longer intends to harm the harmless chicken and I must commend them for this. Especially because they are now a car repair service. Toonie Tuesday is a really good deal.

More Poultry, Always More Poultry

We are coming up on the holiday weekend here in Canada. Wonderful Thanksgiving and well, Thanksgiving is a little different than most holidays. There's very little commercialization of it. It hasn't became really cheesy. Christmas has the whole Santa Claus thing associated with it, Easter has the whole Bunny thing going with it; Thanksgiving has turkeys. But we can always make up a cute backstory can't we.
So let's talk more about Turkey Gus. They say Turkey Gus lives in a residence (just like Santa Claus). However he lives in Albany, New York. All year round Turkey Gus procreates many, many children. Lots of little chick turkeys (whatever they are called). Turkey Gus loves all his hundreds of thousands of children. He loves creating his hundreds of thousands of children as well (wait am I allowed to say that? Of course I am, he's a happily married turkey; To Turkey Harriet and for fifty years). Well, every year he spends lots of time in his labratory (did I mention he's sort of a scientist?) There in his lab he creates lots of reciepes for cranberry sauce and mashed potatoes etc. As well he has created devices that control people's brains.
Anyways when Thanksgiving rolls around, Turkey Gus goes to work. He takes his children and lead them to grocery stores all around the world. Then he takes his mind control device and makes you buy them. Thus you get to eat turkey on Thanksgiving as a special gift from your uncle, Turkey Gus.The story doesn't end there of course. We're still missing stuffing and pumpkin pie, the greatest parts of any Thanksgiving feast. I don't want to go too much into his secrets, but I know this, Turkey Gus has a catapult. Possibly for stuffing.
Then what about pumpkin pie? What about it? You make it, that's what! It has nothing at all to do with Turkey Gus or even Pumpkin Pie Percival.Back to Turkey Gus and his wife Turkey Harriet. Each year when Turkey Harriet loses her horde of children she is really sad. Turkey Gus tells her the children were abducted by angry businessmen just like he tells her every year. Then he comforts her. Later they have more children to make up for the ones they lost. That's the Thanksgiving Cycle.
So the moral of the story is this: Be thankful that Turkey Harriet is incredibly gullible, just like all turkeys.

Christmas Is 100 days away!

Oh yes, and hockey season begins today. Not that hockey is a cool as football for example, but I can mention it anyways.
I once had a full issue devoted to hockey (aka the Calgary Flames). They were in the playoffs at the time and were about to win another series. That was a long time ago, but it was a fun time for all. But I made a prediction in that issue that ended up coming true. Yes, I've made a lot of predictions in my life. Very few of them have come true, but that one did. So in the spirit of awesomeness I am going to predict something for this coming season, because I can and I want to. Calgary is going to win the Cup. I've been wrong about the Flames, but NEVER in the Cantaloupe. This will continue.
Just imagine this town come June after a hard-fought game six (or seven) victory over the New York Islanders (or Carolina, or Montreal). The riot that would ensue would set back this city years and years. Is that what I want? Yes, it is.
I even want to make a promise to you just in case this comes true. IF the Flames do in fact complete their destiny and win the Cup, I will walk around Calgary (like through a majority of all four quadrants, just because I don't want to promise around the entire city, when there's no people out in the country) screaming "WOOO!" Maybe not the direct day of, but I'll pick a day for a "Woooo"ing adventure. Trust me, it'll be good. And it will be an all day adventure. Anyone who will want to can join me. Oh yes, there will be a significant amount of pyro (flames) involved as well. Probably a hot stick or two. Now it is unlikely the Flames will actually win, because hockey is unpredictable, but I can always hope right?
I'd promise you a physical appearance change, but too bad, because I like the way I look!

The Return

Very short note, but something important is going to happen on October 20th.

CHRISTMAS!!!! on a stick

As I leave you for another day, have a great Christmas season and buy a lot of expensive things so that our economy can be good and all us can be in debt and the starving children of this world can continue to do what they're used to.And also sing a lot of carols, because singing is good.

Trevor YVR Plett

(Oh by the way, my count of 100 for Christmas is a little bit off. It was an attempt at approximating, but I'm bad at approximating. It's actually 81 days until Christmas. Christmas is not in January or February, but I'm sure January will be cool too, and February will also be very cool. Maybe not as cool as Christmas, but you have fun things like New Year's and January 22 and all that. What I could have been saying instead of my terrible numerical mistake is that I like presents. And spending time with family and significant people. Because that's what Christmas is really about, is it not. It's about love. And maybe presents.)

Farewell Sweet Symmetry

2006-08-31T02:25:00.000+02:00

The Cantaloupe

Welcome one and all to the Cantaloupe edition eighty-something. Not that it means anything, but I have to open this somehow don't I? 85% of you will say that it's very true. I don't exactly know about the other 15%, but those 15% are my favorite people in the whole world. So try and be one of them.Either way, summer is winding down and oxygen is depleted (as all the world's schoolchildren collectively gasp). Poor poor children. Why doesn't anyone ever think of the children? Or at least act like the children? What I'm saying (as always it's hard to tell) is that I need to get you another issue before school begins and the leaves begin to crush us under their weight.

The Kingdom Arises BEEfore my Eyes

Lately (and by lately I mean today) there has been a revolution of sorts in my house. Yes, it was a couple of days, maybe months, in the making. However it was today that it happened.
Let's start the story a couple of months back. Every once in a while I would see a bee crawling around downstairs. Nothing serious, in fact quite humorous. You see, none of the bees that would crawl around the basement could fly. They were all cripples. Sometimes I'd let them wander around and they'd simply die. Other times I would press the matter a little bit.
Nothing was that much out of the order until I got back from Manitoba on Monday. You see Tuesday I heard a bee flying. Odd, I thought, bees don't fly! Well okay, they do, but the ones in our basement don't fly. Well I saw a bee and I said, "here's the culprit", but then I heard buzzing. There was two bees! Overall it didn't take too long to rid my basement of the fuzzy critters. One whack with "Chicken Soup for the Soul" would do that. Problem solved, or was it?On Wednesday there was another bee on the stairs. This time I lovingly cared for the bee and let him loose to the elements of the outside world where some other creature could kill it. Later that day I found three dead bees around the house. Strange, that's a lot of bees. I don't usually find a stash of bees around the house. Do you? Does your mother keep a stash of bees in her room without any knowledge from someone else?

Father: (looking around closet, finds something) What are these? Bees?
Mother: No, honey, those are simply caterpillars.
Father: Well, they look awfully beeish for caterpillars.
Mother: Dear, that's silly. Haven't you ever heard of Bee caterpillars? They look an awful lot like a common bee.
Father: I get it, I'm not good enough for you! (starts crying)
Mother: All right, I admit it. The bees keep better company than you. You never brush your teeth and your hair smells like catfood.
Father: That's because you knocked my teeth out and put catfood in my shampoo.
Mother: Okay, I just like the bees better than you.

That was a reinactment of what it could be like. Then Thursday, aka today happened. Within the first ten minutes of me waking up I discovered five perfectly live bees in the basement. And unlike any of their predessecors, all of these could fly. After dealing mercifully with one bee and quite unmercifully with three others I found out there were still three bees left. Seven bees! That's unheard of! I bet many beehives don't even have that many bees! In Africa they might, but not here.
What I'm trying to get at here is there is a pattern. 2, 4, 7, 11, 16... Don't you see? I think I should get out while I still have the chance! It's a hostile takeover it is. I'm like the natives and the bees are like the European settlers. After a brief and bloody battle they will confine me to certain areas in the basement while they hoard the rest. I'll have to wade knee-deep through hoards of bees to get to the washroom. Eventually me and the bees will become bestest of friends and together we'll have wiener roasts and AA meetings and the whole shebang. Then one day I'll come home with a big can of bee spray. Yeah, that'll show them for taking over my basement. Until then, though, the bees rule. All hail the Bee Overlords!

Bees To the Question

Sometimes readers can make my life a lot easier. Especially if they send me stories. Look here is one now.

"Trevor you'll never believe this but the strangest thing happened to me. I'm still not working because my leg isn't healed so I was just sitting around, but then when I looked at the mail I got all these bills to pay. So I had to drive to the bank and transfer some money. I was making my way over having fun with the windows down and my new Thrice CD playing loud when I got quite the scare!
What I thought was a green light fell down to the pavement and then got up and started coming right at me! It looked like a pair of light sabres flashing back and forth!
I had no choice but to slam on my brakes and frantically look behind me and DRAT IT ALL there was a vehicle right behind me. I was trapped! The lights stopped right in front of my car and with greater clarity I saw that it was a pair of pants! Pants! Whose neon pants could these be? Those pants must be psychic because right away they declared, "I am my own pants!"
Talking pants didn't really surprise me at this point because hey, these things just fell out of a traffic light and ran up to my car. So I said, "Get in the car." They started to protest so I interrupted with, "Don't give me that, you know who you are." They thought for a moment and then conceded with, "The answer is yes, it isn't that far." Well I was worried a little bit, I had been trying to intimidate those pants with my quick authority grab but then they had to be all cryptic like that. What wasn't that far?
So the pants hopped in, and that's when I realized that these could only be girls' pants. At least intended for girls if you know what I mean...
But the temptation was overwhelming. I thought up a plan and I thought it up quick. I took those pants for a ride they would never forget.
I got those pants dizzy out of its mind. Then I stopped, and with blind emotion I grabbed them and hopped out of my car. I flung off my sandals with reckless abandon and didn't even bother taking off my shorts. I just wrenched those pants on. I got held up with bad leg though. The bandage was too big. These were tight pants and they couldn't handle the extra mass. It was then that I heard all the laughing. I whirled around only to be face to face with the most beautiful girl I have ever smelled in my life.
She smiled and said, "Those are my pants. I'm sorry, I use them to trap guys sometimes. I'm just so shy-" Well I don't know what she'd been about to say but as soon as I heard 'trap' my mind whipped itself into creative self-preservation. I dove straight into her head first. We collapsed into a whirlwind of flailing pants because those green glowing fabric wonders had gotten their bearings again and they were none too happy about my aggressive advancements.
I'll never get the savagry out of my mind no matter how hard I try. Those pants took one look at my leg and ripped the bandage right off with its zipper. I cried out in pain but I had no strength. The pants were about to commence with a full scale amputation when the girl snatched them to her chest and crying she ran away!
I lay there gasping for breath, my leg shooting fire, and wondered how paying bills could ever have come to this."
-Nolan A., Calgary

If anyone can top this as an answer to a question of the something, I promise this: I will buy you ice cream. Or something. That's a darned good answer. But I did get another answer.

"Well..First, I Would Ask It How It Was, You Know, Strike Up Some Good Conversation. Then I Would Ask What Conditioner It Used That Made That Beautiful Glowing Green Color And Where I Could Find Some. Then Maybe We'd Churn Some Butter Together....."
-Allison P., Calgary

These two answers have something in common: Both times the glowing green pants are girls pants. Talking about conditioner? Churning butter? Talking at all? Clearly girly activities. There must be something about radioactive pants and females that go together. I suppose just like many mysteries of the female species, I'll have to stay off topics I don't know. I don't know why girls have radioactive glowing green pants and I suppose I don't need to know. Over six months of dating a girl helps you nothing I must say. Actually no wait, it does.

Next week's question
"Why is it that glowing green talking pants are always girl's pants?"

Underneath the Bee Conspiracy

Football season is either in full swing or right around the corner (depending on whether you follow the CFL or NFL). So for those of you who know absolutely NOTHING about football, here's a primer. The game is about taking a this oblong sort of round object (a ball) and having possesion of that object past a line on the opposite side of the field.
That out of way, I apparantly am going to be involved in some sort of "fantasy" team. I got suckered into it. Of course I then proceded to design my own logo for my team which is called "Rock and Roll on an Ostrich". So I will show you that logo. At the end.

Final words

Before I leave you, I will continue to plug my own work rather than the work of others. If you want to read back issues of the Cantaloupe, you can read most of them at http://thecantaloupe.blogspot.com. As well, a new site that has been started to clear up some inaccuricies in world history, read it here. You can go there and read what me and my friend Dan have done throughout the ages and why things are the way they are now. Thank you. Goodnight.

Trevor YVR Plett

(The following logo contains an ostrich with a rock and roll playing penguin riding it. As well, they are on a football field. Not the game called "football" in England, but the one in North America. Yeah, that one.)

Wait Until I Say Something Wierd

2006-08-15T02:00:00.000+02:00

The Cantaloupe

Well well well. That's where you get water. Anyways the month of July has come and gone, summer being well over halfway done now. That's pretty scary or so you must think. I remember when I was a kid and you'd get the "Back to School" flyers at the beginning of July and I'd get so mad that those flyers would get pulverized beneath my mighty hands. Well I'm not going to comment on the fact that Back to School sales start in May, but I will write an issue of the Cantaloupe which is definitely due. The due date for an issue was last week already. I'm thinking I might have to induce this issue. Sorry, bad joke. From now on I promise to be funny. Okay? I hope you didn't accept my promise, because I make no such promises. The Cantaloupe is not for laughing subjects any more than it is for words. Words like commandership or flash.

Gone But Only Often Forgotten

There is a rumor that I was gone from Calgary and was in fact doing some relief work in West Virginia with an organization called S.W.A.P. I hate to inform you all that these rumors are true. And also these rumors are really strange considering it's been about a month since I got back. Get on with your lives people! That's the distant past! Where was I going now? Yes, I'm going to talk about what I did and stuff and things that happened. I left the wonderful green shores of Canada and went to the somewhat wonderful purple shores of the United States of America. Well as you might expect it was quite different there than here. Instead of igloos, they live in these funny wooden things they call "houses". Just a strange experience. And instead of eating whale blubber, they have things called "hamburgers".But that's not the strangest thing that is different down there. You see they have these things they call "cones", but they are actually pylons. Yes, I know, I just confused more than I ever thought possible, but it's okay. So I went down again and talked to some Americans. (When did I do this? Uhhhh....yesterday).

The Cantaloupe- Hey, what would you call this (holds a pylon)?
American A- A cone
The Cantaloupe- Do you put ice cream in it?
American A- No, I don't think so.
The C- What kind of ice cream?
AA- I said...
The C- Don't you think you should find something tastier to put your ice cream in?
AA- Like deep-fried condor?
The C- Sure

Okay Americans aren't all as strange as this person, but it was a good trip anyway. I was in a coal mine and it didn't cave in on me. How much better could it have been? I got tar on my legs, that was pretty darn fun (to get off). Yes, it was a good time. As the popular saying goes, "When you have a smile on your face, the world grows twice as large".

Section 2- Games That Are Exciting

One of the world's greatest games in the world is Balderdash. I quite enjoy this game. The original purpose in the game is to come up with answers that sound remotely believable. Of course this is one of those games (like miniature golf) that becomes far more enjoyable when you bend the rules slightly. For those of you who have no idea what I am talking about here are some of the "rules" of Balderdash. Originally you get a word (that nobody has ever heard of) and you have to come up with what you think it might mean. With our version you have days (what happened on that day), initials (what do they stand for), people (what are they known for) and movies (what are they about). If for example the clue was about a movie called "Zigfriedasaurus" the actual answer could read "A story about a lovable dinosaur that loses its job and then gets caught in a life of organized crime." Yeah, that's about it.
Well where am I going with this? Oh yes, me and my family played the game of Balderdash on Sunday night and it was an uproarious time. Simply wonderfultastic. So I figured I'd share some of the definitions we came up with. It can't be that bad. If you hate me, then you shouldn't have started to read this stuff in the first place. What are you a drunkard?
For the movie "One Exciting Night"
"The story of a man who worked in a box factory. One night he got to work with some sweet corrugated cardboard. Later that box would be used to store nails. Oh joy!"
For the word "Whiffler"
"The name of the world's most powerful supervillian. BEHOLD AS HE KNOCKS OVER CHAIRS WITH THE FLICK OF HIS WRIST. WATCH IN AWE AS HE STANDS IN HIS STRETCHY PANTS! BEHOLD THE WHIFFLER!"
Melissa came up with
"A man that wears tight leopard print pants and says 'look at me and my tight leopard print pants'"
For the movie "The Nut Farm"
"It's a feel-good story involving two crazy men running a farm. They try and try to grow wheat, but it never grows. Did I say it was a feel-good movie, because the only thing that will 'feel good' is when you finish watching the movie and thank the Lord you never have to watch it again."
Even my mom got into the act for "The Crime of Dr. Crespi"
"This doctor stole millions of dollars and hid them inside his patients when he did surgeries. When they died he dug up their graves to retrieve the money"
Now I think I'll stop here for now. What do you do when your mom starts giving answers like that? Really now. I guess you just go out and top her in strangeness maybe, but that's not hard for me.
For "April Love"
"Did I ever tell you how when Duane was 17 years old, he painted himself like an Indian and ran around naked yelling 'I love everybody'? Love is beautiful. Love also involves killing squirrels for no good reason."
Melissa wrote
"April love tree
April love cheesecake
April love communism
April love stuff
The end"
For "Hanson Crocket Gregory"
"'You're beautiful tonight,' said Hanson Crocket Gregory, 'beautifuller than the sun, a bucket of roses and orphaned kittens.'Then as Hanson Crocket Gregory got up he looked in the mirror a final time and the tears streamed down his face."
For "Fred Noonan" Melissa wrote
"First man to seen running out of his house naked and on fire"
For the word "Flitch"
"Last night a Flitch broke into my house and took my ice cream. Boy was I mad! And also upset. Come to think of it, I was more angry than anything. Angry enough to get more ice cream! And it was on sale! *shakes fist*"
Finally for the movie "The Jar"
"A revenge story about a guy who breaks a jar and then the jar's girlfriend has a complete breakdown and almost kills herself, but then decides to devote her life to taking out the man. Which is difficult, because she's a jar."

Oops! I Thought It Was Scrap

On Sunday I went to two really cool people's wedding. Patrick and Amanda. Their names aren't important to the story, but I figured I could mention them anyway considering they are fairly cool. Of course it was not my wedding, not my secret wedding. Not yet at least.
What I figured out is that as part of a secret wedding you need to have secret wedding invitations. Forget the secret wedding part, secret invitations are cool. You know how in the movies they always give the hero the message and then the message self-destructs? Isn't that cool? I'm not planning that for an invitation, but what I think would be cool is invisible ink. That way they have to put lemon juice on the invitation to read it. Thus in the wrong hands it would appear to be a normal piece of paper. In the right hands, it is a guide to a happy occasion. Or if you want to go hard core, invite the person then tell them it is important, but don't tell them it's a wedding. Just tell them to dress as if it's a wedding, to bring a gift as if it's a wedding and that there will a reception after, just like a wedding. Nobody would be able to tell from that, or the diamond ring on your girlfriend's finger. You see, people are stupid.

Question for the Summer

You know how when you're a kid and they ask you on the first day of school, "What'd you do this summer?" I wish all homework assignments were like that. Personal reflection is my favorite, because what are the teachers going to say, "I don't think you did go to Norway with your family. You didn't go windsurfing in the fjords!" No longer is it about being right and wrong, it's about style. If someone grades you bad, it's as if they grade YOU bad. No teacher is that cruel. I mean a lot of teachers aren't cruel. And most teachers don't make you come in after class to clean up the chalkbrushes, because you lied on some stupid paper.Wait, where was I?
Oh yes, the question.The question of the summer is:

"What would you have done this summer if you ran into a pair of walking, talking pants (glowing green)?"

Black is a Sad Color, Or Old Perhaps

As me and Melissa were browsing on the web, we came across the colorful bracelets that are supporting all these good causes. Like pink for breast cancer and the like. Well, there are a LOT of causes. There's bracelets for all sorts of things like "Not Leaving Your Kids Unattended in Cars" and "Boycotting Aruba". Well I think maybe I should get a black bracelet (which usually means somebody has died), because it doesn't have a negative association. One of the meanings of black is "Amish Support". I want to support the Amish! Go Amish Go!
I figured I'd mention this, because this issue, the long overdue issue of the Cantaloupe is going to leave you now. Don't be sad. Don't cry. Just go and support the Amish.
Churn some butter

Trevor YVR Plett

(There's also an orange bracelet that has to do with Hunger and I figured maybe I could keep it in my pocket and when I got hungry I'd put the bracelet on. How's that for a subtle hint? You've been waiting for your food at some restaurant for five hours and you haven't got your food. Want to stick it to them without making a big scene? Put on the orange bracelet. At your Thanksgiving dinner when Uncle Jimima has been praying for eighteen minutes now, put on that orange bracelet, just in case he decides to pray with his eyes open in the twenty-second minute. Maybe God himself will remind your Uncle. Anyway, the orange hunger bracelet will work wonders in your life. Get one today!)

Why I'm Not A Champion

2006-06-29T01:53:00.000+02:00

The Cantaloupe

Wow! It's been a long time hey? During the time between me writing you last I've had friends married, hanging with friends, friends get eaten, friends put on their pants...wait, did I just say friends put on pants? That's a lie. I don't have any friends who wear pants. All of my friends wear skirts (even the dudes). I always ask them, "Why don't you wear pants? Pants are much better than skirts" but they don't listen to me. I suppose it's their fault really, not mine.
All I know is that if this isn't a record for longest time between two issues of the Cantaloupe it most certainly should be. Why don't I write anymore? Well obviously if you are reading this, the last statement isn't true. I have just sent an issue. So what was with the gap? Honestly when your friends get eaten you have a lot more things to think about than writing humor articles for people. Yes, I know it might make me feel better and take my thoughts away from those horrible memories, but it's asking a little much.

Now for All My Friends

Very recently some sort of hockey season ended victoriously for all the wonderful people of Calgary. Canada's team (Carolina Hurricanes) beat that team from Edmonton. Now I don't really hate the Oilers all that much. They are a zillion times cooler than the Leafs and definitely better than the Red Wings, but when it is a Edmonton team and you're a Calgarian, it's fun to root, root, root against those guys. What I'm wondering is why is there a "friendly" rivalry between these "great" cities. Is there a reason we in Calgary dislike teams from Edmonton and not teams from Istanbul? Personally it doesn't seem to make any sense. If proximity is the issue, well then we should dislike Airdrie and have a rivalry with them. Stupid Airdrie! Edmonton is about three hours driving time away from Calgary. Perhaps it's because Edmonton is a big city? Well again we have a problem, because there are bigger cities than Edmonton. Jakarta maybe?
This is a mystery I MUST solve and to solve it I need to go undercover. And build a time machine. However, I'm too lazy to build my own so I borrowed one. I borrowed it from my slightly paranoid time machine dealer Fred. Fred thinks I'm going to screw up the present or something. But what I found out by going back in time is a story. The story that explains away our mystery.

Foundations from which Hatred is Built

I travelled back in time about a hundred years when both Edmonton and Calgary were in the founding stages. The mayors of those towns at the time were Thurman J. Tinfoil for Calgary and Rudolphus K. Snitsinhouer for Edmonton. Thurman and Phus (as he liked to be called) were the best of friends. During those days mayors were like farmers. In fact most mayors in those days WERE farmers. They'd pave a street in the morning and in the afternoon go plant a coconut tree or two. Well these guys were such good chums that they'd always get together to hang out with a coconut sandwich or five. They'd talk about sports, girls, and all the things that guys like to talk about.
One day they both got invited to the Mayors Conference of Alberta which was to be held in Lloydminster (ironically the Saskatchewan side of the border). Phus had always been a ladies' man so he was used to getting the girls, but that day he met a girl so incredibly hot. She was seductively dressed in a dress that showed off her neck and toes. This was the mayor of Didsbury, Mary Dids. He spent the whole time thinking about her and that big toe of hers. Wow! What a toe! Anyways after the whole thing was over he went over to her and used his pick up line that never seemed to fail him. "Wanna go back to my town and burn some of it down" You see in those days, mayors were allowed to do most anything and they were often pyros. However the girls Phus usually asked out were not mayors of their own towns and thus they were more impressed. Mary didn't care much for him and she let him know.
Phus was devastated and Thurman was there to pick up the pieces. He comforted him by doing what you usually do when someone is upset, you put an arm around them and talk in a high-pitched baby sort of way. "Does Phus need a candy?" asked Thurman. And so Phus didn't so much get over Mary, but he got over his grief. Later that day, Thurman was walking down the street when who did he bump into but Mary. Mary dropped her cricket paddle (woman always carried around these paddles in those days in case a man would pull her dress up past her ankles). As Thurman went to pick it up their eyes met and it was love. They had seen each other before so it can't be described as love at first sight, but that's not the point. The point is they had a very long kiss and then they went on their way frolicing to and fro.
Thurman couldn't be completely happy about this though. He knew he would betray the trust of his best friend if he continued with Mary. Certainly love is a great thing, but so is love. This love versus love decision was a difficult one for Thurman, but he couldn't in good conscience hurt Phus after all Phus had done for him. He made the long walk (uphill both ways) to tell Mary that he couldn't see her anymore, when who would show up, but Phus! Phus asked Thurman what he was up to so late at night. It was almost scandelous to see a mayor on the town after five o'clock p.m. Thurman told him the truth and he told him the whole truth. When he was done, Phus broke into tears. Thurman saw that Phus felt hurt by the whole thing, but what he heard next shocked him. "Have her" said Phus, "I can't stand in my friend's way." Phus explained that they were best of friends and no girl could come between them. Nothing could tear apart such a fantastic friendship. They cried and embraced each other that night in the silver and purple daylight. It was beautiful.
Thurman and Mary eventually got married. That Saturday. Yeah it was rather quick, but it lasted. Phus found himself a wonderful lady as well and he was just as happy. For the rest of their lives, they always had time to spend reminising and drinking coconut juice. They declared to the world that Calgary and Edmonton would always be fully in support of each other. Alberta would be united in heart and spirit.
Many years later Thurman was opening a present Phus had bought him when he got a paper cut. He flew into a rage and denounced his friend and the city of Edmonton. Phus got mad too and he killed Mary. Okay he didn't do that, but what he did do is stomp on Thurman's foot and denounce the city of Calgary. They never saw each other again and that's the story.
By the way the present that day was a pink sweater. It was really nice and pretty. Thurman looked nice in it. He even sent Phus a thank you card.

"Dear Phus
Thank you for the sweater
You have always been so very kind to me
And I will cherish our memories in my heart
Of course now I hate you
I hope you eat maggot infested radishes
Your friend
Thurman"

It's a Bird. It's Superman. No Wait...

Since I haven't written for so long I haven't been able to warn you all that I'm going away for a period of time. To a magical place called West Virginia. One of the benefits of doing this is I get to take a method of transportation that I have not taken for a while, airplane. Airplanes are very cool things when they aren't exploding or anything like that. (By the way, I'd like to take this time to hope the F.B.I. isn't reading this issue, because of the last sentence I wrote. I would like to retract it, but I can't because my Backspace key doesn't work. I lied just there. My backspace key doesn't work, but now those F.B.I. guys aren't reading anymore, so I won't get in trouble).
Well I'm going to be up in the air for a while so I was wondering if maybe I could give you and myself some helpful things to know about making a plane flight a glorious adventure.
First of all there are some things you should repeat during the flight just to make those around you nervous. "My aunt always told me that 'what goes up must come down'". "Hey, do you remember the movie 'Alive'?" "Does the ground look like it's coming at you or is that just me?" "Did you know I read yesterday in Reader's Digest that one in every billion airplane flights ends up with a lion on board?" You see that way when you land safely the people who sat around you will develop a lucky sort of feeling.
Another good joke is just before the plane takes off, you slip outside the plan and climb on top. Then just as the plane is going to take off you slide in front of the front windshield, band like crazy and act as if you somehow fell from the sky or something. That way you'll give the pilots a good jump and then maybe they'll laugh about it later.
Yeah it'll be fun as well as me going to that place that I'm going with some cool people, but you like to be able to do fun things to liven the mood. I hope you folk that are staying here will keep live because otherwise you'll be dead.

Question of the Month

Since I haven't asked a question yet this month I feel like asking a question that I won't answer until I'm back. It'll give me time I think..."Other than getting a paper cut from a present they give you, what are some other things that a friend could do that would be totally unforgivable? Pointing a carrot at your face? Something like that?"

Nectarines, Nectarines

As the months have passed, it because harder and harder to write about things. The brain shuts off and stuff. Well let's hope it never happens again. Let's hope that we can become more regular. Unfortunately, it is off to that land that I go and it is time for me to say goodnight. I hope that all of you wear skirts even though it'd be cooler to wear pants. Be a friend, wear a skirt.
Cya

Trevor YVR Plett

(The story about how Uren, Saskatchewan and Berlin, Germany became enemies is a much longer story to tell. Well you see there were some guys from Berlin living in Uren and then they punched another guy in the face and told him his mother was frivilous. So if you are from Berlin, I'll tell you a secret to a long life: Don't go near Uren, Sask. It's a death trap for you and stay away. I told you the story was long.)

Woe is the Cantaloupe, Published by the Ink of Dying Souls

2006-05-23T01:29:00.000+02:00

The Cantaloupe

The month of May is a crazy month is a person's life. Not only does a person have to do things, but they have to not do things as well. How do they know which things to do and which things to not do? Well somehow it's in our nature. Oh yes, and you need to remember the girlfriend's birthday or you will die. Die a terrible death!

The deep and terrible thoughts of one who lacks insight

One thing I have noted about the internet these days is it seems people like to tell other people about their own lives. I suppose I'm not too different in that regard. I like me and all the better to tell you about me, right? Well a lot of people (like me) think they are the most important person in the world and thus everybody else wants to hear that they brushed their teeth with petroleum. Oh now that's exciting (sarcasm intended)....(no wait, was the sarcasm intended?). Now blogs are fairly amazing or exciting or exazing if you're Tom Hanks, but how do you exaze people when you're not Tom Hanks? Here's a few rules that you need to know if you haven't ever done a blog before, or even if you have.

Be as depressed as humanly possible
Everytime you mention how much woe is in your life you gain a reader. People like to hear stories of people who have it worse than they do so they can feel better about themselves. When you read how a person is on their wit's end and they can't survive much longer you think "Great! I can still drop further to hit that level!" Then you cheer up. So if you want your blog to be read, whine about everything and talk about all the struggles in your life.

Blogger Bobger- Hmmm....it's been a fairly good day. I won the lottery, met the love of my life, was thrown an appreciation party for my recent volunteer work. What should I write about?
That part of you that helps you write blogs- Well you see, things will never be as good as they were today. Write about how it's all going to be downhill from here and it'll never get as good.

So you see, the more you hate life, the more people will like you. Or something like that. What if you have nothing to complain about? Life is peachy for you and you can't seem to find anything to complain about. Well guess what? You can't write a very good blog with that kind of life now can you? Blogs are status symbols and all so you won't be very cool anymore. There, now you have depression.
Another good thing to remember is to build your life around your blog. Make sure to act desperate around the opposite sex so that you don't get a girlfriend/boyfriend. Make sure you don't get too many friends so that you can spend time alone and brood. These are small sacrifices to make if you want to have a good blog.

Use a whole bunch of fruity metaphors and such
People who are struggling can't simply come out and say, "I'm struggling." Nobody wants to read that. How will you attract pity from your fellow man that way? The answer is you can't. Nobody cares if you're struggling. What you should write is that you're "bubbling in the cauldron of despair". That way people will say, "Oh no, Bobger is going to be part of a stew" and that's a reassuring thought. Make everything sound more dramatic and embellish things. You got a papercut? No you didn't. You stabbed yourself with the fiber of the earth. If you use normal language, why do you need to blog? Why not just talk to people? Convenience, simplicity? Nah! Blogs are popular and you must bend to such pressure.

Toss in random Links
Links are fun because they bring you to other places on the web. They don't really do much other than make your blog SUPER AWESOME! Why do they do this? I don't know, but maybe it's because they distract people who go and look on other sites from the fact that your blog isn't that exciting. But they're also fun.

Throw in the most pointless details ever known to mankind
Blogs are about details and you can't just tell someone the straight story. You need to "spice" it up by adding stuff. If you want to describe your day, here's how it should be...

Bobger- At 7:30 a.m I opened my eyelids. This caused the dim light of the room to fill my eyes and I gained vision. I proceeded to shift my weight from my bed onto the floor by moving my legs over and downwards. Thus I stood up. I noticed I was in my underwear which looked as if I had owned it for 300 years of hard labor. I thought, "maybe I should purchase new underwear". I stood there deep in thought for about two seconds. If you had been there you probably would have been like, "dude, you're off in space again!" That's how bad it was. Usually on a day like this I would look around the room starting from the north side and move my eyes in a counter-clockwise direction, but today for some reason I moved my eyes clockwise starting from the west side...

You see, if you want to have a popular blog, you need to add color and flesh things out.

Be confusing
Unedited thoughts are the norm. What's the point of a coherant blog? Coherancy is the devil's plaything or so it is in the blog world. If you ramble on without any point you'll confuse people who can't figure out where you're going. It also creates an illusion that you're smarter than people. If you tell them, "Ulrich J. Deirhoffen was the greatest philosopher of our time, talking about how people philosophize and then he died." they will be like, "I don't get it. He was a philosopher and then he died. How does that make him great?" They'll be just about to tell you about it when they think to themselves, "Wait, what if this guy I've never heard of IS really great. I'll look stupid!" Since they can't reason with you, they'll assume you know what you're talking about. Thus you'll be the greatest thing since sliced turkey.

So without further ado I am going to demonstrate how to write a great blog by writing about an actual occurance in my life using all of the points listed above. Yes, I'm going to write about the wedding I went to over the weekend involving two good friends.

The Wedding that Put my Heart in a Wood Chipper

Over the weekend I got to attend this wedding. It was at Grace Baptist Church. The ceremony was supposed to start at one o'clock, but I bet it only really started at one sixteen. A few things struck me during this ceremony. One thing that struck me was a foam dart. It hit me with the force of fifteen elephants jumping off a trampoline into a brick wall. I wish I could be married. As I watched the bride in her dress as beautiful as a sunset holding a bouquet of flowers walk down the aisle, raising her left foot and putting it down and then her right, I thought how cool it'd have been if I had been the one in the dress, I mean not the one in the dress, but the one on stage. I became terribly depressed that day, but not depressed enough to be sad, just depressed enough that it wasn't the greatest day of my life. Depression is the act of depressing which means a lot to me, but it doesn't mean much to other people. All in all, it was a fantastic day for Nathan and Lauren, but not for me. You see they were the center of attention and I wonder if I ever will rule the world with a fist so iron-clad that not even Superman could break it. As I was going to bed I stuck my head onto a pillow, one that I had used for many years. My hair moulded to the shape of the pillow, it didn't go throught the pillow. On top of me was a blanket, blue, but it may as well have been the blanket of sorrows, burying me underneath it's weight. This day was a 8.5 out of 10. Would I ever have a day that got a 10 out of 10? My days are simply awesome when they could be totally completely awesome.

On to the Ridiculous

Yes, that's my life. It's complicated. Now you see why I don't write "blogs" very much? It's because I would put you all to "shame". But here's your chance to make up for it. If you give me a paragraph blog about something that happened to you using the five rules of blogs I have given you I will reprint it. That can be a substitute for the Question of the Day feature I have in a usual Cantaloupe issue. That question is "Can you please do what I told you to do?"

Yemen, Oman and possibly Saudi Arabia

Remember always to live your life as if it is a blog. I'm a terrible model. I have fun in my life and you guys shouldn't. Fun does many bad things like put you at risk of dying. Why would you want to die? No fun for you. Fun is bad, living is good. Smiling takes muscles. Don't use them. Keep a straight face. Seriousness does wonders for your energy levels. Etc.

Trevor YVR Plett

(I am awesome, awesome, I am the awesomest! No no no, you can't handle this. A subtitle? You can't handle a subtitle? That is awesome, but not the awesomest like you could be. Work on that.)

Occupation of the Book

2006-05-08T01:25:00.000+02:00

The Cantaloupe

I we shall make this a yearly tradition or something. I like yearly traditions. I feel not nearly enough of the people who read this know the real Trevor and well I'd like to fill you in on that. I'd like to show you my diary.

DEAR DIARY
I got a new job today at some company called Westalphobiatron. It's a pretty sweet company. They've got so many benefits, health, dental, emotional, you name it they have it. I'm starting right at the very bottom of the food chain. I get to do whatever it is that I do. I'm sure someone will tell me. I had this "training" session yesterday and they just kept rambeling on about something or other. Give this person this and give that person that. There's not really much reason to know what I'm doing at this position, because I'll be so good at it that I'll easily move up. In fact, we all know soon I'm going to be making $21 an hour. Not this measily $9. But I really don't have to worry about that. I think this training guy (I believe his name was Frank) was talking too much. Doesn't he know I have thinks to think about? I can't just think about work all the time he should know. Well at least not the work that he wants me to do. Make copies, file reports. Whatever. I won't be doing it for long, so whatever.

DEAR DIARY
I've been on the job for a week now and it's been going swimmingly. I think my boss has noticed my potential. Certainly he has had to by now. He yelled at me once for some reason, something about "report being due". He knows by now that's below me. I keep thinking about the big office I'll have. How it looks out on the downtown core. Seeing all the little people walking below through my huge windows. Remembering how I used to be one of those little meaningless people. Not anymore I'm not. It's really just a matter of days until I get that office. Daydreaming makes the day go faster I always say, but really why do I need to make the day faster? It's about as good as it gets really. How could it get any better?

DEAR DIARY
It's been three weeks at my new job and they still haven't promoted me. Since it's April I've kind of assumed maybe this is some April's Fool joke or something like that. Today for example my boss called me into his office and he was telling me about how I wasn't doing my job or something like that. Dude, is there a hidden camera in here? I'm not fooled. We both know I'm going to be a difference maker for this company and I'm going to get started on it. Very shortly everyone will know the name of Westalphobiatron. Everyone will know what great things the company does. Wait, what does the company do? I suppose I'll have to look that up once I'm in charge as C.E.O. here. Then I'll get to be the one pulling pranks like this. It's really funny, because the cheque I got later in the day by the company was still the same salary I started at. Obviously they made some sort of mistake there, because who's heard of a promotion without a raise in salary. That's just ridiculous! I wonder, should I take my wife out for dinner to celebrate or should we stay in. I mean there are big things in my future. My boss is going on vacation in a couple of days, and when he leaves, I know who's going to take over his job and not give it back. That's right! Me.

DEAR DIARY
The boss called me into the office again today and he finally acknowledged my excellence. He had one final thing to do before he went on vacation. I knew what it was going to be. Again he rambled on for a little bit before he got to the point, but I wasn't listening. I could just see my picture on the cover of Time Magazine after I put Westalphobia on the map. I'll be one of the hundred or so richest men in the world. People will come from far and near to hear my give business advice. Yes, I'll be wise and sage. I'll always be a dreamer though, one step ahead of the game. It was about this point that my boss concluded by handing me this pink note of paper. He was saying something about "regret to inform you" or whatever. Well I already knew that. It's always hard to give up your job to someone else. I mean he's practically firing himself by handing his job over to me. Boy is he ever done. When he left, I took the liberty of removing all of his stuff from his office and replacing it with my own. I spent four hours looking in the mirror in the corner giving myself trademark looks. I'll have to have one when I'm famous. In fact, it'll be that look that makes me famous. Who can say no to a debenaire young go-getter like myself? Now really, it's hard.

DEAR DIARY
I picked up the paper this morning to find my picture in on the front page. Oh wait, that's not me, that's Tom Hanks. Well work today was fairly eventful. My ex-boss came back from his vacation and boy was he upset that I had taken his job and moved all of his stuff out. Well I'd be upset too if that happened to me. He was saying something about security and I wanted to say the same thing honestly. That way the person who is in charge can be identified. When the security arrived I told them to throw my ex-boss out and he got mad, because he says I should be thrown out. Yeah right, buddy, I'm the future of this company. At this point, I begun to feel frightened for some reason. What if my ex-boss was vengeful and he wanted to take action against me? The security might not be able to stop him. He could have a stapler and maybe a nail file or something else incredibly dangerous. So I did what any sensible person would do. I took out my shotgun. Well the look on everyone's face was priceless. Now who was terrified? That's right! He was. But why did the security guys look so scared? They knew what I was doing and why I was doing it, didn't they? Can they not handle the pressure of their job? Well I decided right then and there that I couldn't be president of this company that hires useless security guards that are afraid of credible people holding shotguns. "I quit", I said, and proceeded to take my stuff and go. Well, I'm unemployed, but not for long. It took a lot of courage to leave that company. Hmmm...a policeman is coming to my door. Probably to hear how I heroically defended myself, well diary I'll write back when I can. I'm sure I'll get a medal of honor or something.

Tomorrow and the Wildebeast

I didn't ask you a question last time and I think I might regret it if I didn't ask a question this time. I like questions. They're awesome so I'll do it. Here we go..."Why did I call this 'The Cantaloupe'? What's the larger story behind it? Is it a government conspiracy perhaps? Use your imagination."Remember that previous issues will eventually be posted completely at http://thecantaloupe.blogspot.com and you will be able to read them all.

Trevor YVR Plett

(Apparantly I end up in jail a lot in these "Diary" issues. Well two of the three issues. By now I know the jail system quite well. If only I could learn to stop thinking so far ahead of myself. It'd be healthier I think, don't you? You don't? Why not?)

Honk If You Love Badgers

2006-05-03T00:28:00.000+02:00

The Cantaloupe

Well I have a lot to say and very little time to say it. Okay I have time to say it, it's just you may not, so I'm going to waste it with some amusing commentary on life and me and you. So over the weekend I was up in our province's "wonderful" capital city, Edmonton. Because my "wonderful" friend Nathan is getting married to a "wonderful" girl, we had to go and celebrate it by taking him on a wild ride. Yes, this was the so-called bachelor party. Yes, and it was "wonderful". We did lots of cool things.

"Wonderful" Truths and Lies

On the way up to Edmonton we drove together in a three car convoy. It was pretty cool. Either way we had received this construction paper and markers on which we could make signs to communicate with people. Well, my quick thinking friend Dan decided to make a sign saying, "Give the Green Neon the Finger". We showed this sign to all of the cars that passed us. Well apparantly a couple of them headed the sign's warnings. This made me wonder what kind of power signs have over people. I'm not necessarily questioning some people's intellegence, but...

Bartlet (young teenager, 12)- Daddy, I reckon that road sign says to finger the green neon.
Farmer DeYontis (country hillbilly, not actually a farmer though)- So it does, boy, but remember what I says about signs by the side of the road.
Bartlet- They're possibly put there by the devil?
FDY- Yes son, so you have to be careful. "Finger the Green Neon" seems to be on the level, but I'm certain "Maximum: 110 km/h" is put there by some devil. You can't drive that slow, boy.
Bartlet- What about that sign? It says that our self-esteem sucks.
FDY- What?! Those idiots in the government always stickin' it to us folk. That reckons me we go and free some raccoons in their houses.
Bartlet- Again? That's boring! We always let loose raccoons.
FDY- Now quit your fussin' like. The government needs to be taught not to stick signs like that in car windows.

Origami, Salami and White Cheddar

So once we were in Edmonton we got to dress Nathan all up-ons in fun garb such as yoga pants, a fuzzy pink hat and large pink feather boa. This apparantly is a bachelor party sort of tradition to make the to-be groom dress in outrageous stuff and then parade them about. It's supposed to be embarassing and demeaning to them, but who does it demean really? If you see a group of people with one person among them dressed wackily you think, "Hmmmm....guy dressed strangely, but those guys seem not to mind it. Guess it's okay."Overall it isn't demeaning at all. If you really want to make the groom look bad, why don't you all dress up crazy and leave the bachelor person dressed normally? Now when you see the group of people you think, "Hmmmm.....why on earth is that normal guy hanging out with a bunch of creeps?" You see, nobody judges the sanity of people who are insane. It's those people who appear to be sane that people judge.

The Bag Of Goodies

What's sad with me is I wait a long time to answer questions and then I can never ask anymore questions. Well enough of that nonsense! I'm going to answer the question about whether a spatula or laundry detergent would be more helpful on a deserted island.

"Duh! The spatula. You can't serve imaginary pie to all your visiting friends who for some reason don't rescue you, with laundry detergent."-Jason P, Calgary
And why not I ask? The best kind of imaginary pie is serving with laundry detergent. Maybe that's why they don't rescue you. They're insulted by the fact you'd rather serve them with an impractical spatula rather than a super awesome bag of laundry detergent.

"laundry detergent! You can't eat a spatula now can you? Detergent is good for you, cleans out your system. It multipurpose. Its shampoo, bubble bath, food, warrior paint, exfolliater, and drink mix, all in one."-Melissa C, Calgary
I can't argue with this reader. Girls are always right or at least my mother has told me. Don't forget laundry detergent is a great weapon as well. As the wild boar is about to gore you with his tusks you pull the detergent out and throw it in his eyes. That way he'll be blinded, keep coming and gore you anyways. You might be dead, but boy will that boar ever wish his eyes didn't sting as much!

"What on earth could you do with detergent? Nothing! Besides burn your skin. Spatulas are an essential part of cooking - they reduce waste! Now since your waist is being reduced already by living on this island, I think you need to be concerned more than ever about food waste, so the spatula comes to save the day!"-Nolan A, Calgary
I can just see it. You somehow killed that wild boar and have been roasting it over a fire. You are eating right off the bone. Since your waist is smaller you can't eat as much as you used to and you have left over boar. So you have to get that meat off the bone somehow so you can store it in your tupperware container. How else other than a spatula? I don't know.

"I would most certainly pick the spatula... how else would you flip over your bacon so you can eat it and then spill on yourself so you would need the laundry detergent in the first place......"-Karla K, Calgary
Mmmmm...bacon. You've won me over. What would life be like without bacon? Fine, the spatula wins.

"'I don't care'... That should answer the question."-Cyler P, Calgary
That's a terrible attitude. One day Mr. Parent you are going to be trapped on an island. Your motorized boat of some sort will crash into a diving pelican and you will be on a sinking ship with laundry detergent on your left and a spatula on your right, knowing you can't possibly take both. If you leave that decision until the last minute you are going to leave it up to chance. Do you really want that? Do you? Knowing every day for the rest of your cursed existance that you made the wrong choice? I think not.

Should I help you out in making this choice? I think maybe I shall give you all a quick guide of things to quickly take with you when you are pressed into a crisis of this magnitude. So here are a number of things that you should look over before you take an item. If it doesn't fit anything on this list, don't bring it.

1) TASTY
This covers bacon and you'll always need bacon.
2) CARRIABLE
When you're about to jump into the water and trying to swim to shore, you'll probably get a desire to take your 1000 pound plutonium statue of Mother Theresa. Yes, she was a great person and deserves to be remembered, but it's a better option to take the tiny pin with Vladimir Lenin's picture on it. Otherwise you may find yourself walking on the bottom of the ocean for a while and most people's lungs find it a wee bit difficult converting oxygen in water.
3) HELPFUL TO YOUR APPEARANCE
When you are trapped on an island, one of the first things that happens to people is they begin to let themselves go. They grow a scruffy beard and the hair is unkempt. Is that a good way to make an impression? I think not, personally. If you take pride in your appearance you'll feel better about yourself. So before you flee a sinking vessel, stop by the washroom and grab a razor, maybe some hair products, possibly some laundry detergent (apparantly it's an exfoliater).
4) MOVING ON IT'S OWN POWER
Before leaving the ship, you must remember that living organisms will help ensure your survival. If you can train them properly, they may come in handy as a worker, or if not, they are usually a food source. Your wife will probably fall into this category. If she is lying there on the deck, give her a kick and see if she moves. If she does, then you can take her ashore. If the refridgerator is sliding across the deck, first make sure it's not the gravity pulling it down before you lug it onto your back.

So based on these rules, let's say you have a choice between taking a 1000 pound half lizard-half cow creature that blows bubbles and some matches, you have to look at these four things. The only advantage the matches have is that you'd be able to get them to shore. Other than that, the creature will taste better when you cook it. It will definitely help your appearance, because food makes you not look like a starved person. And it's moving, so you should take it. Just because that creature attacked your ship and caused it to sink is no reason to run away screaming. Just because it's bubbles are poisonous simply to the touch is no reason to cry like a school girl. You're a survivor and you will survive.

Curtains and Retinal Scans

May is upon us. The summer is coming. Will I have explain what that means in an upcoming issue? Maybe. Will I have to eat in the meantime? Yes. Will you? Well you don't HAVE to. But do, okay? Thanks

Trevor YVR Plett

(The origin of the half-lizard half-cow creature is found in the land of Norway where they decided that the lack of deadly beasts was causing their people to become "soft". So they attracted the lizard to the cow by giving the cow pills that made it incredibly sultry. Yes, that cow was pretty attractive. Especially during the lizard mating season. Well the results were almost too good. This new creature which I'm going to call a Joybirdfish killed many off the people in the country and has recently been proved to be immortal. The people became petrified which the government decided was close enough to being tough. The End)

With Coupons in the Sunday Paper

2006-04-11T01:39:00.000+02:00

The Cantaloupe

Okay folks, I'm crazy and stressed and everything is fine, because school is drawing to a close, except that's why I'm crazy and stressed. Well, I guess it's because I have things to do before the end. So that said it's time for another wonderful edition of things resembling reality, but twisted in a humerous way so that you'll all question my sanity. By the way, my sanity is fine. By the way, my sanity is fine. So that said it's time for another wonderful edition of things resembling reality, but twisted in a humerous way so that you'll all question my sanity. They say it's hard to tell, but I think I'll know if I'm insane. Seriously I'm not insane, but you might think so at some points during today's article. Trust me, I'm merely stating fraudulant opinions.

Risking the Unicorn Charge

This last weekend I did the thirty hour famine to benefit kids in the third world. That means I didn't eat much. In fact, I ate nothing at all. Why? Because of all these kids in Africa who need more food.
One reason people go without food is to sympathize with these starving peoples. They do it so they'll know what it's like, but what they fail to realize is we aren't at all doing something similar to what people in the third world do. You see they don't have a choice. It's a lot easier for them. Me? I could've eaten food anytime I wanted. I had stacks and stacks at my disposal so it took will power for me to not eat. Those little skinny kids? They have no food. Or at least very miniscule amounts of it. They have it easy. At suppertime here, my mom made all this food and I had to smell the food and know I couldn't have any. Do those other people have to experience that? No! None of their neighbours have any food either. It's something normal for them in their lives. It's me that had to change. It's me that had to do something significant. Think about it, I've never before gone that long without food out of my own power. Some of the people in those nations have done it many times. You have to get used to it by then and it simply isn't a great accomplishment anymore. And these are the people I am helping by donating money and effort? People that have it easier than me?
Yes, yes it is.
By the way, if I'm raising money for people by starving, who are they raising money for? What kind of nation is poorer than they? Why do they have to go without food now? I mean nobody would willingly not eat without a purpose to it. I know this; if they are raising money to send to us, it's a really nice gesture, but we frankly don't need it very much. Most likely it'll just get sent back to them in aid anyway. Either that or help me buy an iPod which I really need to get. I mean those things are pretty cool. They play music and all those other things they do. I wouldn't know, because I don't have one. Neither does most of the youth in Africa. So you see, we're not all that most unlike each other. We're both missing out of the thing's in life that are important like a portable MP3 player. Maybe I should go without food longer so we can get their children some iPod's and maybe myself one too.
So go give some money to World Vision. They do good things like help people. Perhaps if you give enough, they will stop doing their own many hour famines and then we can stop and the world will be a better place with peace and harmony with cats frolicing in bumper cars.

You Can Throw The First Stone At Me

On a less blasphemous (well not blasphemous but whatever) note, I got to talk to Yerov the hard-working Russian farmer the other day. You remember him. The guy with twenty-seven kids? Well here's a story about how he tried to help those in need:
So Yerov and his family, they aren't the richest of people in the world. It's simply by the fruit of tons of hard work that keeps all their mouths fed. Of course all the kids pitch in with a bunch of effort of their own, but it takes a lot. Ends are always met in their household.
One day, Stelga, one of his teenage daughters comes home and tells him about these poor, starving kids in other countries. Yerov says, "kind of like us", to which Stelga says, "well they have more of a tan I think". We all know they were both joking around a bit. Yerov's family doesn't truly starve, he was just using that famous serious Russian wit. But they gathered around as a family and talked it over. Should they give to the less fortunate? "What do we have to give", one of the more cynical kids replied. "What we got", said Yerov. That kid got a whoopin' that night for his attitude. A whoopin' at checkers (a game Yerov became good at as a kid in Russia).
The next day, Yerov and Stelga hitched up the horse and cart and went into town to the relief center where they collect money.
Yerov- We brought these bear pelts in. Do you think you could send them to those who are less fortunate?
Aid worker- Uh.....
Yerov- They need to warm their ears in the merciless, snowy winter don't they?
Aid worker- Uh....
Yerov- We've made a long trek and a couple of my kids have to wear dog fur hats this winter instead, but we figured it was the least we could do.
Aid worker- Thanks, that's the most anyone has given around here. I'm speechless. You really deserve an award or something for generosity. You see, since this new iPod came out, nobody has been giving anything. While that may be a really important cause, this is arguably just as important and you have made some little kid in Africa's day.

*cut to scene in Africa*

Half-Naked Father- Sweet! Bear skin hats, these will provide sustenance for many more months.
Half-Clothed Kid- Daddy, can we have some for supper after we eat the last of the cell phone batteries?

Social Commentary Makes The Heart Grow Fonder

That story with Yerov was fairly heart-warming, but nothing warms your heart like sitting on your warm couch and doing nothing for poor people. So don't do anything for them, because they already have cell phone batteries for supper. Of course, don't feel bad about anything. In fact, scientific reports have indicated that people in lower income countries don't need food or water to survive at all. All they need is our collective sympathy. So let's give it to them shall we? Give it to them good.

Half-Naked Father- I heard some American people feel sad about us.
Half-Clothed Son- Ooo! I feel like I could fly a wildebeast now!
Half Mother- Don't you be riding no wildebeasts until you've cleaned that rock you sleep on! Look at it! It's filthy.
Half-Clothed Son- But mom! The Americans sent some sympathy over
Half Mother- Really?? That's wonderful! Let's eat a meal next Wednesday to celebrate!

With Your Nose In A Book

Sometimes thinking about how much you'd rather be yourself than some starving kid gets depressing and you feel as if you couldn't go on. Remember, those people don't have those problems. They don't have to worry about other people starving and then feel guilty about not helping them. Their problems are simple.
Either way, because I want you to forget your troubles, you should go to my brand new Cantaloupe archive site at http://thecantaloupe.blogspot.com and you can read some old issues from back in 2004. Hopefully I'll have my entire collection up sometime soon. That way, you'll read and laugh and maybe just maybe you'll feel generous and you'll forward my material to one of those poor people. That way they can laugh and feel better and you'll feel better too, because you helped. They say laughter is the best medicine you know. In my very first issue (which you can find on that site) I mention that the average person doesn't laugh very much a day. So make the a better place, okay?

Trevor YVR Plett

(Oops, was I not supposed to express any opinions in this newsletter ever? Because I clearly failed. I'm a terrible person, because I did such things. Oh yes, and have I ever mentioned in a Cantaloupe issue that you should never take me very seriously. Read whatever you want into what I say, but never take me seriously. Because if you did that'd be terrible. And now you are all confused, because how can you take me seriously or not when I told you not to. It's a paradox. The world is destroyed.)

The Cantaloupe is Either Dead or Dying

2006-04-01T01:33:00.000+02:00

The Cantaloupe

TMPMFCLWYSLLBGHRBCSTHYRBTHWSM&TYBMRRxDMERORFLLORSMTM. YVRHRTSOPSMNLVESHR&SSAMKLIFBETR

*RANDOM GARBLED NONSENSE*

Sorry that I'm not funnier, but you can criticize me for it later, okay?

The Cantaloupe is Either Dead Or Dying

I'm sorry to inform you all that The Cantaloupe cannot last forever. The only way that would be possible is if my descendants all kept writing it and passing it on until the Earth collasped and whatever, but I'm sorry. No descendant of mine is doing that. My descendants will do much cooler things like ride hover bikes and rip apart lampposts with their bare hands.
That means I and I alone can decide when and where the Cantaloupe's final resting place is. Yes, I realize there is no way I am going to make you believe me when I tell you this on the actual April Fool's Day, but I figured it would be a fitting end.
So effective immediately I am going to release a limited number of issues and then I shall close out the Cantaloupe forever. Call it a farewell tour or a pygmy armadillo or something. Either way it is going to be happened and the one thing I'm not doing right now is kidding. I might be misleading you, but I'm not kidding. I really am quitting. That is not changing.
Yerov the hard-working Russian farmer knows what this feeling is like. He knows the pain of leaving a job doing sheep-shearing. He'd feel a kinship with that sheep that he never had felt before. Then he'd sheer off all of it's hair and the sheep would look ugly. Well that's what your life will be like without the joy of reading my wonderful material. You're doomed.Thank you for all your support.
Only 1134 issues to go and I'll be out the door.

Trevor YVR Plett

(I'm not going to say April Fool's because you knew what I was doing all along. I hope you did. I foreshadowed the fact that I'd be sending this in my last issue on not believing people. But I am telling the truth. The sad and obvious truth. But the real April Fool's joke is that I won't last nearly that many issues. And remember, I told you I wasn't funny before. Why didn't you believe me)

Daisy Daisy Quilt and His Bamboo Dresser

2006-03-28T20:33:00.000+02:00

The Cantaloupe

Okay guys, it's almost the end of March and hopefully soon it will feel like spring. I like the warmthening of the air and more importantly, me. Well you guys as well. Spring has always been a fantastic time to frolic through a field of flowers, but then again, anytime is good for that. However always remember to be able to run faster than the person whose flowers you just froliced on. Otherwise you'll end up slaving away in some sort of dusty celler, chopping wood and looking forward to the one turnip you recieve every day to eat. You'll feel the shackles cutting off blood flow from your fingers and you'll always be sore from sleeping on the rough concrete floor. You'll dream about the day someone finds you and rescues you, but it won't ever happen. No, it's a dark, dirty life for you. No showers, no change of clothes, no bathroom, no sparklers on your birthday and no yo yo's. Yeah, Spring is pretty cool. You can't deny it. As long as I get to do my frolicing, it's all good. Just take my advice to heart. That flower dude is one bad mother...errr....father.

To Be A Fool Is To Be Human

Saturday is April Fool's Day. Now some people on this day like to make a fool out of other people. Unfortunately I am usually neither the fooled or the fooler. I am merely the foolless. Yet, I shall tell you things to do or avoid on this very special day.
First of all I will address the fooled. Here are a couple things to remember: If someone tells you they died, they are trying to trick you. If someone tells you they randomly got married, they are trying to trick you. If someone tells you they want to hang out with you, they are trying to trick you. Even if they tell you that Missouri is a real U.S. state, they are trying to trick you. So starting from the moment you awake, take every thing that anyone is saying as a lie. Thus, you will not be fooled. So your friend wants to buy you dinner, don't trust them. So your boyfriend is giving you flowers, refuse them. So the guy you just ran over is bleeding on the pavement; he's simply acting. It's a simple concept. That way the fooler can't get their enjoyment.
Now that I've given that advice I need to give the fooler a couple words. As the day is April Fool's Day, people will not believe you very easily. Sure you'll get some people (especially if you live in Scotland around where Amy does), but the general populace is now weller informed. Here's what you do now. Instead of trying to fool people, don't try and fool them. That'll be the fool. Actually get married. Actually hang out with people. Actually tell people Missouri is a real state. This is a perfect time to conceive your first born child. The new joke is that nobody will believe the TRUE things you say or do. That way a few weeks later you'll be talking about it and the person will say, "It's not April Fool's anymore, jerk!" and you'll say, "I was always telling the truth, krej". Then they'll feel bad and it'll make you feel much better. So on this April Fool's, hang with your friends. On this April Fool's, give flowers to your girlfriend. On this April Fool's, bleed on the pavement for all it's worth, because as a wise poet once said, "the pavement is for bleeding, and the blood runs red through the soul".

Help for the Afflicted

Many people these days make money off telling other people what to do. There's "Dear Abby", Dr. Phil, Luke Skywalker and many other people who answer life questions. Thus today I introduce a good friend of mine to answer life's most pressing issues. So here's "Dear Guy Bleeding on the Pavement".

"Dear Guy Bleeding on the Pavement,
I've had this girlfriend for over a year now and we've gotten really close. We've talked about marriage and all, but I'm not certain she's ready. The problem is I was talking to her parents the other day and they told me she's actually one of a set of indentical quintuplets. What's interesting is that every time I'm with her, she wants me to call her by one of five names (Harriet, Belva, Gertrude, Vienna or Sue) and what I found out is these are the names of the quintuplets. So I asked Belva (and Vienna the next day) about this and they told me that it's tradition in their culture for identical siblings to all date the same person, but never at the same time. I'm a little confused about what I should do. I mean to tell you the truth I haven't ever seen more than one of them at the same time. Maybe it's not so serious. Maybe my girlfriend simply lied about it. I could live with a horrendous disrespect of my trust couldn't I? And if I get married, how do I know which one to marry?
Five Times the Fun"
"Dear Five Times,
That guy just ran me over! I was walking through this crosswalk and I got crushed by a grey Saturn of some kind. Now I'm bleeding. I need medical assistance. Please, help me! If you know first aid, some and bandage the huge gash in my upper thigh. I'm covered in red. Woe is me! This is the worst pain ever. Please, find help! I don't want to die!"

"Dear Guy Bleeding on the Pavement,
I was hosting this huge party at my house the other day and well, the strangest thing happened. You see as I was making the punch for the party, I accidentally dropped a whole ton of tranquilizer into the punch. Now the punch took me a lot of work (probably ten minutes) to that point and I didn't want to get rid of it. That would be wasteful. So at the party I served the punch, taking carefully precaution not to drink of it myself. Well after a while everyone at the party other than me was asleep on my floor. This was bad, because I can't sleep without cleaning my house first. I had to do something you see. So I dragged all the sleeping people into the back of my truck and since I didn't know where two or three of them lived, I just dumped all the bodies in a pile at the garbage dump. It was a lot easier than having to look at a map and figuring out where "24 Mapletreestump Place" is. Long story short, now some of those friends are upset with me about this. What else could I have done for them? The pile of bodies provided tons of heat. The garbage was soft and perfect for sleeping. How could you complain? What should I do to get revenge on these ungrateful 'friends'.
The World's Best Friend"
"Dear The Wo,
I'm shaking all over. I hear the screams, the screams. The world is going fuzzy. Spinning round and round. The pool of blood around me seemed like an ocean and I'm the sinking ship. The sirens begin, but they'll be too late. The pain has numbed me. There will be no miracle rescue for me. My body is broken and my mind begins to fade. Please tell my wife I love her, tell my kids to be good and tell my mother that...tell her..."

Poison Alert

Lucky Charms, they're tragically delicious. Well okay, no so much. Today we learned about death and how much it hurts. But what I didn't say is that death can sometimes be the easy way out. Sometimes the pain is too much and you...[ed. note- Trevor has been fired as writer of the Cantaloupe and the second of the five identical Trevors has been hired to finish this column]

...Uhhhh...hi....folks....I....like....dots....

Okay sorry, I'm not that dumb. In fact I'm no dumber than Trevor One. But what he would have said if he were here right now is that Cantaloupe books are still for sale, so please talk to Trevor (any from one to five) about getting yours today.
Oh yes, and I've heard grassy fields are more cozy to bleed on than the pavement. Just a consideration.

Trevor YVR Plett

(Subtitles, Subtitles, make my day today. They shake and shift and bounce and lift and roll in every way. Subtitles, Subtitles, have a friendly goat. They laugh and sing on pigeon's wings and then they buy a boat. Someday you will find that subtitles are so kind. They love to make you smile and talk about percentiles. Subtitles, Subtitles, are so really cool. They shove and prance like army ants and then jump in the pool)

Long List Of Gripes

2006-03-21T20:28:00.000+01:00

The Cantaloupe

Now many of you may not know this about me, but I really enjoy the college basketball. I like the "March Madness". This I cannot deny. It's in "100 Things I Like". Well let me tell you about this really cool game (and you can thank my sister-in-law for this). It was between the Pittsburgh University Panthers and Bradley University Braves. Of course to put on the scoreboard they had to shortened Bradley to "Brad" on the top and Pittsburgh to "Pitt" on the bottom. So what I'm trying to say is many actors shorten their names these years. Bradley Pittsburgh is one of them. On the other side, many celebrities should shorten their names. Owen Wilson is too long. Ow Wil should suffice. Natalie Portman? Nat Po. Our society is filled with words that take more time than they need to say. Clearly we need machines to talk for us. Thus we can be more lazy.

Backtrack Stack

Remember when I made "100 Things I Like". Many of you probably don't because you haven't received this newsletter long enough. What you need to know is it showed I have a variety of interests and a serious side. Well today I've decided to show you I have equal hatred and I'm not serious. So without further ado, it's 100 Things I Hate
1) Cancer-Why do you have to kill so many people?
2) Getting hit in the head with a 2 x 4
3) When your father forgets your name
4) That dream where you're falling, but at the last minute you get saved by a magic carpet except that the magic carpet flies into a cliff and you get devoured by ravenous chimpanzees.
5) Stores that don't sell ice cream
6) People who make long lists about random junk- Seriously, who wants to read your Top Ten things I did today. Gosh!
7) People who are overly pessimistic
8) People who can't count
26) That feeling you get when you're reading something and then there's something important missing and you don't know what it is
27) See number 14
28) Dingos stealing my baby- I had ten babies and now I have eight!
29) Going to McDonald's and ordering a Royale with Cheese only to realize the fourteen year old employee has never seen Pulp Fiction and probably never well- Fine then, I suppose you've never been to France now have you?
30) 7:32 a.m
31) People who don't take advantage of commercial oppertunites- Why can't we have another three Lord of the Rings movies??
32) Cuddly bunnies- Seriously, what's worse than have this furry ball in your lap giving you those pretty eyes and then sweetly bouncing around? Can you imagine anything?
33) People who don't take responsibility for their actions- Just admit it. You messed it. How hard is that?
34) Hypocrites
35) Everyone who blames me- I know I just spilled sulphuric acid on your lap. It's not my fault. You bumped me and my hand slipped into my backpack, unscrewed the cap and poured the acid on you. I think that's your fault.
36) Pretending you're an astronaut and then realizing that your pretend space ship has a pretend crack in the hull that will cause you to pretend you're burning up on re-entry.
37) Words that don't rhyme with "ointment"
38) Aliens that don't give you a lollipop when they're through with you- Dentists do, why should aliens be any different?
39) The fact that female sperm whales aren't called "Egg Whales"
40) Getting hit in the hit by a 2 x 6
42) When my girlfriend tells me I need to burrow to the center of the Earth or else it's over- It was hard Melissa! It's hot down there and this horned red guy with a pitchfork kept jabbing me. But at least I got to keep the girl.
43) Men- They're so unattractive. What's the point having them around?
44) Dying- I thought I'd try it once, but it's not that great. Far too overrated.
45) Realizing you'd been walking on your hands all day- You get far too many blisters this way.
46) Hidden meanings, especially on a list number thirty-two- Why would you put hidden meanings in things? Seriously? For what purpose?
47) People who scroll back and try and find the hidden meaning
48) Misleading people- Some people make others think there is hidden meaning in something there clearly is not. Or is there?
49) Cannibals who don't wash your hands before they eat you- Cleanliness people!
50) Finally, I hate when people advertise something bigger than it really is- Like if something is only fifty, you don't need to tell me it's a whole hundred.

You Look Impressed

I'm going to give you a question of the day or week now so you're going to have to honestly answer me this:
"If you were trapped on a deserted island with nothing, would you rather have a bag of laundry detergent or a spatula and why?"

Tomorrow is the First Day of the Revolution

If you hate things as much as me, you should always kick them. Kicking solves a lot of life's problems. Think about a football game. If you're down three points, you just kick the ball through the goalposts and tie it up. Think about starting to ride a bike. You have to kick the stand so you can move. Kicking does so much for everyone. You can't argue with it. So the Love of Kicking Revolution has begun. Do you want to be alive and kicking or dead and not kicking? C'mon. You know you want to.

Trevor YVR Plett

(Oh yes, I hate subtitles with a passion. If you're going to say something, come out and say it. Don't stick it at the bottom of the screen where only sissies look. Seriously, jerks, use some common sense. I don't want to read some junk at the bottom in smaller print, so don't insult me in that way. Insult me in other ways like calling me a "scumbag" and stuff like that. I can take that, but I can't take subtitles. Stop it, please!)

Lava is All Around

2006-03-02T20:23:00.000+01:00

The Cantaloupe

You know how I always randomly affect things with my Cantaloupe articles? Like when I talked about how it never snowed last year and it started snowing and I think I did that again this year. Either way, the Singles Awareness Day one was like that. Someone commented, "Your making this out to be leprosy. Do you think it's that serious?" Yes, singleness is a terrible thing. Over 50% of people worldwide die from this disease. How can you argue with such staggering statistics? Back to the topic though. I've learned a lot of things recently and since I've learned a lot of things I feel inclined to share. If you loved that last issue, because it described your life perfectly, feel free to skip this issue, because well...it won't.

Regarding Pillows

The other day I met this girl and she was really cool. Either way, because of this, I am going to theme this issue towards fun things like dating or whatever. One thing I know is there are way too many chick flicks with their so-called cliche love lines in there. Why say the same things that Tom Hanks said to Meg Ryan like one hundred times? So I'm going to give you a guide on things that you SHOULD tell your significant other.

"I think you may have just fallen into a pool of molten lava"
Translation- "You're hot"
Explanation- A volcano may erupt of any time, throwing smoke and ash into the sky. When you tell someone that they have fallen into a pit of molten lava, it's a good feeling that erupts inside that person and they'll throw you a party maybe.

"Your attire makes me remember the time when dinosaurs ruled the earth in a great yet tragically short reign."
Translation- "You look good in that"
Explanation- Just as dinosaurs lived and then died, it will be a shame when you cannot see your significant other in what they are wearing, because it looks so good. That's how they are like the dinosaurs.

"If all the king's horses and men were like you, we'd never eat eggs again"
Translation- "You complete me"
Explanation- Remember Humpty Dumpty? Well in pictures he is always an egg. The king's horses and men could not put him together again, but this person can put you together. Wait I don't know what that even means. Forget this one.

"There's plenty more koalas where those came from"
Translation- "You make me feel special"
Explanation- Okay I admit it, I thought up a phrase and then randomly assigned a meaning to it. But don't koalas make a person feel special? They're fluffy and Fluffy is awesome or at least I think so. Actually I think this saying was originated by Shakespeare. If I say that, maybe you'll believe me.

Finally, there comes a time in a relationship when you have to say that common phrase, but everyone says that common phrase so...

"Will you help plan a large scale event which will fundamentally alter both our lives that costs us a ton of money, includes our friends and relatives and ends with us going off to some secret location and doing things that if we saw our parents doing them would scar us permenantly?"
Translation- Well if you can't figure out that the saying is "Will you marry me?" you haven't thought of things very well.
Explanation- Relationships are supposed to be open and honest. Sometimes people want to get married, but they don't know what it will be like. So why just ask a vague question? Specify these things and it will make the moment so much more meaningful (or meaningless maybe).

Koalas are fluffy and so are Ostriches and since Fluffy is cool

Mailbags are good things, because you get mail and then you don't use it. No wait, I shall rectify that problem right now. A while back I asked a question about an ostrich. Basically I asked what you'd do if you woke up with an ostrich in your room. Here's my readers...

"If I woke up to find an ostrich in my room I would freak out because it means my other two must have gotten out again. And the dark streets of Calgary in winter are no place for two endangered Kenyan ostriches - way too many wildlife poachers roaming around."
-Jason P.
Wildlife poachers? Oh yes, that is a good name for people riding bicycles. Have you noticed a guy riding a bike in Calgary? Yes, well I have too. Have you noticed exotic animals wandering in our streets? No, well neither have I. Coincidence? I think not. Bike owners go out of their way to ensure wild animals get run down. I wouldn't trust an ostrich around them either.

"I'd probably just hide under the covers pretending to be asleep, hoping it would just go away. Fortunately, my phone is in my bedroom, so if I could reach it without upsetting the ostrich, I could phone in to work and say, 'sorry, I'm not coming in today. I am trapped in my bedroom. There is an ostrich staring at me right now and I'm scared to get out of bed.' I wonder what my boss would think of that?"-Ruth K.
Yeah those ostriches are pretty deadly. But really would that fly? Let's pretend that you're married and you wake up and your spouse is staring at you with those eyes that make you know you're in trouble. Would you do the same thing? "Sorry can't in. I'm trapped in the bedroom. My wife is going to kill me if I move." Don't tell me a spouse isn't more dangerous than an ostrich.

"i'd scream until i could scream no more."-Christine H.
And I'd eat ice cream until the ice cream was no more.

"First i would yawn (if thats how you spell it and even if it isn't). I would yawn because it is morning and i just woke up. 'Hey an ostritch!' I would say to myself, 'Kristina must be up to no good!' Seated at the edge of my bed (it is a loft so i would be quite high up and able to slip onto the unsuspecting back of my bird friend), I slide onto the back of my unsuspecting bird friend. I ride him out of my room and across the hall to my sleeping sisters room meanwhile planning something aweful. I push open the door from atop my friend and am about to enter when the ostrich turns its head to look at me and says.....
'Hey Karla stay out of my room!!'"
-Karla K.
Yes, a true Cantaloupe reader showing the sensicalness that makes the Cantaloupe what it is today.

Published Back in the Day

Before I leave you guys, just a note, because I forgot to advertise it more. My second book "Oops, My Pants Are On Fire" is now available for purchase. Basically the book is a collection of every single 2005 issue plus entertaining extras and new material. It costs $10. All you need to do is tell me and I'll get you one. Also if you purchase the first book as well I'll give you a deal for $15. Help me eat another meal. A band once said, "Rock stars need money, we can't live on bologna sandwiches." Well if rock stars can't do it, I can't either. So buy my merch.

Question Of The Week

I like asking random questions so feel free to answer this question. I fact I order you to."If you were at a concert featuring your all time favorite band and they dedicated a song to you, then proceeded to call you a 'repressed noodle-nose', what would your reaction be (and what would you do)?"

Trevor YVR Plett

(So doctors aren't the answer. I didn't need no doctor. I'm medicated without a permit. Remember when I told you koalas were fluffy and Fluffy was cool? Well I didn't lie, that's for sure. I may have accidentally capitalized the second word, but I didn't lie. I may have been sending somewhat hidden messages, but I wasn't assassinating the president of Cuba, Fidel Castro. I may have been wanting to dive into a pool of molten lava, but I must certainly wasn't acting immature.)

I Heart You All

2006-02-13T22:54:00.000+01:00

The Cantaloupe

Once again we come to the world's best holiday which of course isn't a real holiday you get off work (which I suppose is for best, because otherwise some people might wallow in their own pain a little longer). Yep, it's February 14, otherwise known as Worldwide Singles Awareness Day.

Worldwide Singles Awareness Day Survival Tips

On this (the 14th) day, the estimated 100 billion single people in the world will want to club themselves to death with a wooden spoon. Having been in this position I want to address these people first. I know you are going through a lot of pain, being single and all ANOTHER year, but if you really want to get put out of your misery there are quicker and faster ways about it. I suggest floating into the sun. That would work a lot better. Plus what human being has died by melting based on the sun's incredible energy. You'd be a pioneer! The history books would put you right next to Christopher Columbus. But death isn't really a proactive solution at all.
I think we need to start at the roots of this epidemic. Singleness is easily the disease affecting the most North American people, much higher than either cancer or Lou Gehrig's disease. In fact every person on the globe will be infected with this disease at some point in their lives. Unfortunately our health system is woefully inadequate to deal with such an epidemic. There really is no acceptable permanent solution for this until early adulthood, but unfortunately many people never even make themselves available for the cure. Yes, there is a cure. But hospitals are rarely the place where it is administered. This is a thing we need to change. Singleness is on the rise. Many people think the cure is worse than the disease. Others take the cure and then they later go off the medication and the disease of singleness returns. My solution. We need specialists for this sort of thing on staff at hospitals. We need promotion of the problem. Remember when Bob Dole was promoting erectile dysfunction awareness? Well maybe we can get Al Gore to promote singleness awareness. That way this problem can be treated. So what do I propose? It's a story that goes something like this:

Brendan's Story

Brendan was a regular kid. Grew up with parents that loved him. He had one younger sister, Sylvia. His grades growing up were impeccable. Once he got to high school, he was a member of the student council and he went out with a hot girl named Tara. His life was moving along nicely. Nobody would have even predicted what happened next to his family. In the summer just after he graduated, he learned Tara had been diagnosed with singleness. That wasn't the worst part however, because later in that day he found out he was diagnosed as a single. The news shook up his family. They were the perfect all-American (or whatever country they're from) family. How could this happen to them? His parents were completely healthy not-singles. As far back as he could remember, all his ancestors had been not-singles. Brendan wallowed in pity. Nobody knew a way to cure this disease. It made him pine. Oh, did it ever make him pine. Pining all the time, that was his life. He tried many kinds of drugs, but none of those drugs took away the nagging singleness he was facing. He dropped out of college and moved to Luxembourg to escape the doubts in his head, but he never really could. About three years later he got a somber call from his parents. It was about his sister. She was single as well. It was a terrible news for him to hear, but he decided that he needed to go home to get his life back together. Maybe if he helped his sister with her problems, he could find the answer to his own.
This move is one that quite possibly saved his life. He couldn't help his sister. He realized that very quick. The problem had nearly consumed him. One day while walking down the street, he collapsed and had to be rushed to the hospital. In Luxembourg singleness hadn't been addressed in the hospital system so he would have most likely died that day if not for the recent specialist brought in. When Brendan awoke there was a girl in the bed beside him (NO! Not the same bed, sicko, it's a room with two beds. She's in the OTHER bed). However when he tried to move his hand to scratch his face (you see he had an itch), he noticed it was caught on something. Or was it him who was grasping on to this foreign object? He looked beside himself to see what it was, his arm hanging off the edge of the bed. It was the girl. Her hand was holding him back! Just then he looked into the girl's eyes and saw she was just as surprised as he was. The door opened and the doctor walked in. His name was Dr. Thompson.
"You both were very lucky indeed," he said, "another thirty minutes and you'd both be goners." Brendan realized this is something he should have had looked at sooner, but he felt very lucky nonetheless. It was like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. "What have you done to me," he asked. Dr. Thompson laughed. "You've been cured," he said, but his face became more serious as he continued, "but it's not a permenant cure. You see when you passed out we rushed you to the hospital and gave you a fairly standard treatment. After we gave you Freya's (she's the girl) hand you both began stabilizing. In more serious cases we have to use higher forms of treatment such as the highly experimental lip joining procedure. Now I'll tell you both something: your treatment doesn't end here. You need to help each other. I'm going to prescribe some lifestyles you are going to have to agree to if you want this to work." Here's where Brendon heard the girl for the first time and when he heard her speak he felt that no matter what the doctor prescribed he could do. "I always thought I was the only one with my problem. You mean this boy had singleness too?", she spoke softly. He replied to her, "Many years, I assume you have a similar story to mine. You thought life was the bomb and then you became an outcast" "Too true, parents shunned me. Nobody would hire me. It was terrible". This is where the doctor stepped in on their little bonding session. "This is healthy. I'll read your prescription. You two must spend a minimum of five nights a week together, activities that are the healthiest are long walks on the beach, having dinner at fancy restaurants, and anything done by candlelight."
Brendan and Freya both felt much better that day. They followed the prescription to a tee. About a year after this initial temporary cure, they endured a final treatment where a pastor of all people declared them cured.

The Moral

Yes, we need people like Dr. Thompson in our system. That's the only way we can win this fight, because I believe this fight can be won. In the movies, this problem always seems to be solved, but in real life many people are never cured. I've mentioned the people afflicted with the disease, but to those not afflicted with the disease, you have a responsibility to them. To care for them and help them out. If you know someone like this, here are some things to know:-You can make a difference in their lives. Let them know you are there with them through this difficult time.
-Don't neglect the problem and let in go uncured, but on the other hand, don't overexpose the problem either. Let the person come to grips with their deficiencies themselves.-Petition our national and provincial leaders to start a program which deals with this serious problem which claims about 5 million Canadian lives every year.
-When you awake, please observe a minute of silence for the many people who have worked hard to try and end singlesness forever. The dating gurus, the personal ad people, even the regular friend who sets up other friends. These people are the true heroes in our culture and we can't forget it.
-Finally, on this special day of February 14, let the single people in your life know they are loved, because otherwise you'll find they probably have bashed in their head with that spoon (or even floated into the sun).

Trevor YVR Plett

(By the way, my trials with this disease are still continuing so I have a lot of expertise in this issue. I almost had the history book in my name next to Chris Columbus which would have been cool because he directed the Harry Potter movies. Well okay, just two of them, but still, he was a pioneer of sorts, right? How was I planning on reaching the sun? Well you see, I built a raft out of bubble gum and sparklers and a catapult out of rotten peaches so I figure I could have easily done it.)

The Omission Mission

2006-02-09T22:49:00.000+01:00

The Cantaloupe

Oooohhh! It's time to write again. And smile again. I mean there's not nearly enough smiles around here. I do know that much. A whole bunch of things happened since I wrote you last, but it's a little hard to remember what they are. You see my brain doesn't function properly right now. Or perhaps it does. It's tough to say with such a misfunctioning brain. They seem to get like that some times, or maybe they don't. Because your brain doesn't function? No, because of the Americans.

Bam! And There it Goes

Speaking of America, there was a major event in America that happened as of late. A so-called "super" event of some sort was played. (By the way, remember what I said last year about Super Bowl picks which was pick the team with the tougher nickname. A steelworker versus a bird? Who would have thought that?) A lot of folks watched this super event, entitled the Super Bowl. However it's still a roughly American (and Canadian) event. Who watches it outside North America unless they are a transplanted North American? Anyone? The numbers there are about the same as the number of readers I have outside North America. But let's get back to the Super Bowl. Can you imagine some guy in some poor village watching in his loin cloth? I can. Here's what it would look like...
Two guys are sitting on the floor, staring intently on the television screen. Actually there's a couple of dudes there, drinking some sort of beverage and eating dried cow pancreas snacks. They are sitting at the edge of the floor (as in they're excited, in case you didn't get the edge of their seats reference. Their seats are the floor you see. It's a joke. You know. One of those things they tell to make you laugh. You still don't get it. Well fine a joke is often a play on something usual by changing it to make out something you wouldn't expect. That's why you laugh. I don't know exactly why. It's natural from the day you are born I suppose)So where was I? Oh yes, some guys in the room are wearing black and gold loin cloths, the others are wearing some sort of icky metallic blue-green loin cloths. At various points, the groups seperated by color cheer wildly and pound their chest and raise a spear above their heads in joy or else yell some tribal curse and throw their spears at the television. At one point one of the yellow and black loin cloths after cheering tells his buddy, "Look at that razzle dazzle touchdown Hines Ward just scored. The last time I saw something like that was when we ran the triple reverse to spear that wild boar." Finally there was a point when it appeared the game had ended and one of the yellow and gold loin cloths (who was waving a yellow spear of course) shouted at one of the green-blue loin cloths, "Ha! Steelers win! You owe me your second daughter in marriage!"
So that's what it would look like. But of course the Super Bowl is only as popular as the Cantaloupe. In fact I should use that as my tagline. AS POPULAR AS THE SUPER BOWL (In Nairobi)! Yay! Now there's something to boost the ego.

From the area where I have expertise

So back the other day I seem to have misplaced my backpack. Early in the day I had been carrying that backpack and then later in the day it was gone from the place I had put it. Could I not find it? Did somebody else take it? Well there's one thing we all know about it, the backpack couldn't simply have wandered off on it's own...or could it. That's in fact my belief. I've always thought I had a special backpack and all, but never did I know my backpack could walk and even talk. It's amazing isn't it. Yeah, because of this I've given my backpack a special name, you know after that person that walks and then talks. You know the one right? Natalie Portman? Yeah, that's the one. So yeah Portman (the backpack) just decided to vanish one day, but we all know it had the good reasons to do so. Obviously someone in the Brentwood area was in some sort of danger...
(Cut to man looking out his window)
"HEY! Stop jumping on that dang trampoline! HONEY! There's a backpack in our yard again!"
"Well, do what you always do and chase it off"
"But it always bites me"
"Are you a man or a baby"
"HEY! Now he's egging our house! Get out of here ya rotten backpack"
(Back to my random topic)
...it's a kind backpack. Clearly it had to protect the innocent and kind. Portman's always been kind and trustworthy. Either way, after a couple days of being worried I figured out that Portman was in the place I left her. So there's that problem. Moral of the story is not simply that my memory is terrible, but also that unlike a regular backpack or a regular person, my backpack walks and talks. The only person else who walks or talks like that is clearly Natalie Portman.
Oh yeah just so you all know the context here, I did lose my backpack (because my backpack walks AND talks) and didn't know where it was (because it had walked away) and then found it where I left it (thus I'm smart).

The Tenth Cennial Centennial

Overall I think it's been a good week for those who love the good side. I don't really know why, but it has. On Saturday I reffed the WORST basketball game ever. There wasn't any scoring in the first five minutes. One team had back hog boy tossing the ball up time and time again even when he had open teammate (which was understandable, because any time he did pass them the ball, they'd screw up), but it was comical how bad they were. You know like those bad movies that is so bad it makes you laugh. That's that game. One of the boys came up and told me "this is a bad game, isn't it?" and I said, "Yeah".
My point of course is that I hope this issue is so bad that it makes you laugh too. Because if it's just regular type bad it would be terrible and I don't want to write terrible things. When can you expect me to write again? Who knows? But I do know one thing, I am going to host a party of sorts on a night of sorts coming up. A BOOK RELEASE PARTY!! I like those sorts of things. When shall this night of awesomeness occur? Get ready for my advertisement...In 3...2....1....

Go

On Saturday February 25 I am having what is called a book release party. Why? Because on that day I am releasing for sale my SECOND book, "Oh Look, My Pants are on Fire". Come buy a copy and get it signed by the author, me. Or maybe you don't want a book, come hang out anyways. If you don't own the first book, "Seedfilled Goodness", I am offering a deal on the both of them. But this I do need to know. I am only going to print books out for the people who tell me they are going to buy them. So if you want one, tell me you are coming and getting one. Thanks, that's enough capitalism for today.

Trevor YVR Plett

(Can someone please explain to me how a CD released in 2004 can be the best album of 2006? Just wondering for example, because sometime people make me laugh. I guess I'm a hypocrite because if I had been voting for the Grammys I would have given best album to The Beatles'. They had a darn good CD come out back in the day.)

Very This

2006-01-21T01:07:00.000+01:00

The Cantaloupe

I don't understand this world sometimes and why I have to get up and travel to school and be at a 8:15 class, but these are the realities of a stupid world so whatever. I might as well write about it, right? I'm sure many of you having to get up as early or earlier have a lot of sympathy for me right?

Going to the Polls

Okay peoples let's talk about things. The federal election is coming up and yes, I have strong feelings about it. Right now, I'm a little frightened because a certain party might win. They haven't been in power in the last ten years and they might completely wreck our country. Of course, I mean the Marxist-Leninist Party. Do NOT vote for the Marxist-Leninists no matter what you do. If they win the election, they'll do to our wonderful country what they did to many other well established countries like Russia, give them a cool name and a cool flag. Do we want that? No! While we naturally seem highly prepared for a so-called "cold" war (we should be able to out cold anyone), giving up democracy would be a bad thing to do in my books. Yes I know both Marx and Lenin had really cool facial hair, but having facial hair doesn't make you a rock star. Now if Marx had been in a death metal band, maybe that'd have made his party worth voting for, but no. He was simply an author. And who wants to vote for a party started by an author? Not me, that's for sure! That's why, just like most people, I believe elections should be based on a popularity contest with the coolest person representing us.

King Richard the Lion-Necked

Wait, I'm sorry about that. Was I just talking politics there? Ouch, I've really stooped to a new low. Or maybe that's already been done. Thursday I was walking through the University of Calgary, mainly because I was going to get me some Relient K tickets at the Ticketmaster there while I had free time to do so. There was one particular advertisement there that caught my attention. It was a ad for Alesse, a birth control pill. So basically the ad had two women and they say they're "on a mission". That got me thinking? What's the mission? To not have kids? They sure aren't aiming at a very lofty goal there if that's their mission. I mean I've gone twenty-two years without having kids and I know a lot of people who have gone a lot longer than me. So what kind of mission other than that can you embark on with birth control pills? Nothing, that's what. Personally I've always thought birth control pills are misleading based simply off the name in the first place. It's not as if you can guarentee birth or not by using them. That would be true "control". Maybe what Alesse is saying is they've made pills that enable you to have kids. No father needed. Maybe that's the mission part. Very interesting. I might need a volunteer to try it out. Any takers?

Simply the turquoise

Before I end this issue, I have to go back to politics, I'm sorry. To handicap the coming election I went back to one of my old rivals, but a good guy, Mr. Tim Generic.

The Cantaloupe- So who do you think is going to be the next Prime Minister of Canada?
Tim Generic- Well the people of Canada deserve a Prime sort of minister rather than the minister who is lesser.
The C- What does that even mean?
TG- Canada needs a leader who isn't mean, but one who takes into consideration what everyone needs, which is a good leader. Someone like Tim Generic.
The C- So why didn't you run in the election?
TG- Leading a country isn't a sprint. Running will only burn out a country and its resources. To be a great leader, you be able to sit on the sidelines and make the right decisions.
The C- How does that work?
TG- We need a leader who will work for the good of all and not one who will prematurely run to be elected, wearing out our people, many of whom already work hard at their jobs and deserve to have a leader rather than someone who is tired like them.
The C- So in summary, you want to be Prime Minister, but you aren't going to run in the election and you're not going to do anything once in power, because it'd be too much work.
TG- I'd be the ideal by which this country could strive to become
The C- Certainly a difference maker.

There you have it. Vote for Tim Generic even though you can't.

Nuevo Timoto

I feel like presenting another question to you the most esteemed reader. So here it is."If you woke up in the morning and found an ostrich in your bedroom, what would you do?"That's it for today. Have a pleasant pleasantry.

Trevor YVR Plett

("And the Lord did grin, and the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orangutans and breakfast cereals." "Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants." "Boy, I'll tell you, heh. They only come out at night. Or in this case the daytime." "The world is probably funnier to people who don't live here." Yes it's quotes from various places of fun that I stole. I'm a stoler. What can I say?)

Community Of Peace and Love

2006-01-12T01:04:00.000+01:00

The Cantaloupe

Okay folks, the year is 2006. All you know about it is that there has been a little bit of it. It's unknown. You think, "This is the year everything changes for the better". But you should know better, because you say that every year. It doesn't change for the better, silly, it changes for the worst. Don't you know that every time you say "I'm going to lose weight" it really means you'll gain one hundred and fifty pounds. And now you can just say that I'm a pessimist, but maybe you should heed my advice and plan to gain a hundred and fifty pounds if you know what I mean. That way you'll lose that much weight instead. I know my ideal weight is around twenty pounds, how about yours?

The Missed Holiday

Well it passed for another year with nobody caring about the Cantaloupe's birthday. Yes, it was last Thursday (January 4th). It turned two. Thanks everyone. Thanks a lot. Now I did get one e-mail entitled "Happy Birthday to the Cantelope". And it's only because this person overheard my lament. Here's the message I got was "Soory, it's belated". Well all I know is this is clearly no friend of the Cantaloupe's. Not only did they spell the name wrong, but they didn't even really apologize. All they said was "soory". However since this is the only one the Cantaloupe got, it must mean this is in fact the best friend of the Cantaloupe. Oh well, I guess that's what it gets for being an inanimate thing, no respect. If it had feelings, it'd be hurt and embarassed and hurt some more.

Holiday Traditions

Yes, the season is basically over, but it's still fairly fresh in our minds. Christmas is a truly wonderful time, because people are more friendly and generous (for the most part). It's great because even through the New Year people are nice to each other. Everybody from accountants to common theives will help others in need. However once the season in forgotten, people change. Now I ask, it is truly generosity to give to someone then in a couple weeks, take it back? Yes, I am talking to the common theives. But why the difference in behavior? It's as if there were a behavior traffic light that is green for mean most of the year and then at the beginning of December turns to yellow and then red to stop the meanness. Then a few days into January, turns back green. Why do you think that is? Is it the realization of what Christmas is all about that changes people or it is all the eggnog they drink. Perhaps it is the fact that people don't work. However my guess is that people really are nice around Christmastime, because of Santa Claus. For most of the year, you forget about him. You don't have to be good, because you forget that he gives presents to the "nice". Then all of a sudden you sing "he knows if you've been bad or good so be good for goodness sake" and you realize that if you don't make up for eleven months of badness you won't get any presents. Now what I have always wondered is why Santa is actually fooled by this behavior. Why doesn't he realize it? Well I guess he hibernates most of the year. He looks a lot like a bear anyways doesn't he?

The Common Misconception

People nowadays are quite down on the arts and society as a whole. There isn't a lot of new ideas they say. People take other people's things and call it their own. Well this might be true on a lot of levels, but it certainly isn't when it comes to kids. You see, while music is a lot the same, when people go to have kids, they come up with things that are completely unique. Based on what people do with other things, adoption really should be more common than giving birth to something yourself. I mean it's not a lot of work or pain either. You just grab a kid and go. Unlike creating a child. There's a lot of things that go together to do that. First you (Editor's note- We had some technical difficulties. I'm sorry, but we accidently lost some of this article. Oops). Then after many hard months and hours, you have a child that you created yourself. If you adopt you skip all that hard work. Also if you adopt you get to pick the cream of the crop if you want. A lot of adopted kids already have names so that makes it easier as well. But do people adopt more than they give birth? No! So how can you claim the we don't come up with new things, because we can't put the effort in? Don't give me all this logistical nonsense, I'm sure it's possible to adopt a kid who has never been given birth to.

Often Rarely

The year has begun and I want to make the most of it. Can my resolution be to put out the best Cantaloupes I can? Maybe they shall and maybe it will be the best year. The Simpsons season three was better than one and two and perhaps was the best season ever. Can I duplicate that success or have I jumped the shark? Let's certainly hope not.

Trevor YVR Plett

(2006 reasons to read the Cantaloupe this year. One- What else are you going to read? Two- Subtitles, we have them. Three- Melons are fantastic. Four- Unicorns and fairies have been known to read The Cantaloupe. Five- I make up reasons that aren't really true. Six- I comment on my reasons. Seven- I have lists that the numbers are completely in the correct order. Nine- I lie. Eight- Things go on much longer than they should. Fifteen Million- Wait! Wasn't this list just supposed to go to 2006?...)

Don't Expect Much

2005-12-31T01:02:00.000+01:00

The Cantaloupe

Hey it's me speaking to you from your favorite melon. I'd like to tell you all that Christmas will be great this year and everything. I hope you enjoy it. I certainly hope this e-mail doesn't accidently get sent a week late or anything like that. It wouldn't be a good thing. And also a happy New Year. Because I like happy people and laughing people which of course is why I won't make you happier than I could, because I don't really have time. In fact, I need sleep. So yes I have decided to send you the shortest issue ever. People celebrate records right? Why not celebrate this record? It's going to be great! Back in the olden days, emporers could celebrate whatever they wanted for no apparant reason. That's why it'd be cool if I was emporer. That whole war and people knocking you off thing? I wouldn't like that. But still, remember that Christmas is great and have fun celebrating it and listening to Celine Dion in the meantime, because well she's great and all.

Note From Me

I've written a longer, yet more summarizing entertainment year finale from my perspective. Enjoy! And while I've written this I have failed in my record attempt. Oops!

Trevor YVR Plett

(He plays the song when beating you up. Yes that's right. While beating you up. And I'm going to bed. Cya)

Hark! The Cantaloupe is Nigh!

2005-12-20T00:55:00.000+01:00

The Cantaloupe

As I look out the window, I see wispy flakes of snow falling carpeting the ground with a fluffy blanket of white, I think to myself, "what if it wasn't snowing right now?" Then I wouldn't' be able to use such descriptive opening sentences. I say something like "As I look out the window, I see air mixed with nothingness, a chilled existance where nothing seems to change except people get cold". Now the poetry of that wouldn't be nearly as poetic. Hmmm...either way they say your dreams tend to be influenced a great deal by reality, so I will be dreaming of a white Christmas it seems. Or maybe of typing. This.

One Hit Wonders

I always feel sorry for people who get typecast. Well okay not really. But the plight for instance of most of the actors in a movie such as Lord of the Rings will star in many more movies and thier entire life they will be known for that one thing. Sure you may be on something else, but readers want to hear about that one thing still. I mean for example, if I saw Macauley Culkin on the street, what do you think I'd ask him about? That's right, "Home Alone 2". If you saw Lindsey Lohan on the street, you'd be like "Hey, it's the girl from 'The Parent Trap'!!". Okay maybe I'm losing my point here, but that's only because I'm trying. You know what I'm saying I hope. There are people who will never get over their involvement in one project. Can you say Mark Hamill, maybe? So what does this have to do with Christmas? Well I'm sure most of you have heard the Christmas story many times. I'm sure you guys could tell me almost all the people involved. Well now tell me this: What were those people involved in after that event? Sure one guy succeeding in becoming more famous after, but it took thirty years of obscurity for baby Jesus to become known for something else than being born. But we all know his story, becomes popular, gets a following, dies a "tragic" death, comes back to life, ascends into heaven, still active today. What about the other people? Most of them fade back into obscurity to never appear again. Sure some of them were in other projects, but they will always be known for their one big hit. Take a look at this interview with the Wise Man who brought myrrh many years after the fact:

Interviewer- So what was it like bringing myrrh to the manger of Jesus?
Wise Man- What? I thought we were going to talk about the girl I brought myrrh to last night. Well you see there was a comet and it lead us to this cave. Well wouldn't you know...
Interviewer- (interrupts) Let's get back to that later, can we talk more about Jesus? What was it like to get to give him myrrh.
Wise Man- (sighs) It was great. An unforgetable experience. It was a child more special than any other...Back to my story, you see comets usually mean this girl is going to...
Interviewer- (interrupts again) Great story I'm sure. Why do you think you haven't met another child so special since?
Wise Man- Well just because I haven't encountered a child more special doesn't make the children I've met since less special. I've had many special children and been able to give myrrh to them all. This girl I gave myrrh to on Friday, I'm sure she'll be able to memorize Torah at a rabbi-in-training level.
Interviewer- Because of that time, you've been typecast as the guy who gives myrrh. People say you don't have the range to be the guy giving gold or frankensense. What would you say to them?
Wise Man- Well, it's hard, because sometimes you want to branch off and give something else, but my loyal fans have really come to expect getting myrrh. I had a few times where I give silk or even camels, but those weren't as well liked.
Interviewer- Excellent. Our time is up, thanks to the "Guy whos gives Myrrh"
Wise Man- I have a name, it's...
Interviewer- (Interrupts) See you next week!

That's the way it is for all these people. Just think of being Joseph, the man known for NOT being the biological father of his son. I mean all his life, people HAD to be coming up to him and being like, "Hey, you're the guy who didn't even get to sleep with his wife before he had a kid". Talk about a honeymoon! Then when Jesus becomes big, he simply fades away. Even Mary, sure she has a cult following these days, but for what reason? The reason: she's the mother of Jesus. She had other kids! Does anybody even call her the mother of James and Jude (well other than a couple of gospels)? No! I mean think about your mother and think if others always just remembered her by one of your siblings and not you. I think it'll be like that for everyone involved, the shepherds, wise men, King Herod, Caesar Augustus. Does anybody remember anything Augustus did other than calling for a census? I think not. He did NOTHING else. Get that? Nothing!

Memories of the Select Few

This is the point where I include a couple of letters I received this week about Christmas and I poke fun at them. Okay I'm not mean. I'll just "comment" on them
Our first mail comes from one Melissa C.,
"One of my favorite things about chirstmas is fruitcake. I'm dead serious. I love the stuff. Acctually food in general is something I look forward to. I have been sick on many chirstmases from over consumption of food to be honest. Glutony DOES NOT make for a merry chritmas, and I can attest to that. My great Aunt Mary's mittens are also a hit with me. She asks me every year if i'm getting to old for them and of course I say no, because her mittens are the coolest. Another thing I like about chrsimas is critiquing nativity scenes. I always wonder why the heck little mary looks prim as a rose and isn't passed out from having just given birth in a stable with no epidural or medical staff."
Maybe it's because Jesus wasn't crying as the song "Away In A Manger" seems to claim. The mother only looks bad if all her hard work is met with a crying baby. I mean after all that pain and strife and carrying the baby for nine months the least the baby could do is give the mother a smile and maybe say "Thank You", but they don't. They cry. That's why mothers are so sad and tired after giving birth. All that pain for nothing I guess. Mary looks great of course, because her son appreciated her efforts by not crying. Does that wreck the fun you have in making fun of nativity scenes? I mean personally I always wonder why the characters in the nativity scene don't move. Are they trying to say that everyone was so awe at the birth of Jesus that nobody moved for a month? Well it's possible, but I say highly unlikely to be true. Oh yeah and some of them are so small. Was Mary an ant? Was Joseph a grasshopper? Great realism people! Thanks for accurately portraying such an important event. Of by the way it's time I interrupted this mailbox to stroke my ego.
"I really like your newsletter. It's HILARIOUS!!!!!! :) How in the world do you think of all these things?"
How do I think of what things? You mean words? Well you see, words were around before I was. Or were they? It's tough to tell actually. I've never known a time before I was around and there was words. So to answer your question, I guess I just stumbled upon words by accident. As for the things in the Cantaloupe, I generally take ideas and change them. Change them to suit my own purposes. Mwa ha ha (more evil laugh). Back to the letter by the now identified Christine H.
"Well, one of my favorite things about Christmas is the family time, no school, and a chance to perhaps go snowboarding. oh, and the late nights. my least fave things? Um, I'll have to think about that. a cool thing that happened at Christmas was, well, it will be 15 years ago this Christmas. The event? I was born (December 27). And this year, I was in a Christmas drama (it was taken from the adventures in odyssey episodes "Back From Bethlehem".). Every year is a tradition to make and eat oilebollen. Another event, it happened quite a long time ago, in fact, more than 15. It is more like 2009 years ago. My best friend was born. That, too me, is the best story. The way it came about, and fulfilled prophesies from hundreds of years before is mindboggling. since we are on the subject of mindboggling, what does the YVR stand for?"
Your best friend is John the Baptist? Woah! Sweet, what's he like? (By the way I refuse to answer the YVR thing). And I'd like to say something to those of you think I'm playing dumb here not remembering Jesus, I'd like to say this. I've clearly used that event many times during this article and you're going to tell me John the Baptist didn't fulfill prophesies? I don't even think he'd be a bad guy to be friends with. I was friends with him once too. Awesome guy. Can't say enough about him, but I guess I already have so I'll move on.

What Do We Have If We Don't Have Each Other

Christmas songs are really cool. Why? Because of the lowing cattle. Man if a cattle ever lowed at me, so help me I would...uhhhh....low back I guess. Well I like Christmas songs because they use old school language and wording. I mean I guess that's no different than a lot of old hymns, but oh well. One of these so-called Christmas songs is inspired by the King of the Bohemians. However I think we're at the point where there aren't going to be new Christmas songs popping into popular culture. So I suppose in a few hundred years there'll be more words they don't understand. For instance take "Joy to the World". Perhaps the line "Let every heart prepare him room" will not make sense, because in those days, there won't be such a thing as a room. Maybe because of technology nothing will need to be prepared as thus they will forget the meaning of that word too. Well whatever, let's move on.

The holiday of the holiday season with added holiday

I'm very sorry I can't send all of you Christmas presents, but more than that I'm especially sorry you can't all send ME a Christmas present. Why? Because I like presents. And isn't that the spirit of the season? No? But why not? Oh yeah, right. The whole thing about stuff and all. You know what I mean, right? No? But why not? (By the way I could do this for the rest of the year so I'll stop it right now. Consider it my Christmas gift to you. You're certainly welcome. And just for the record, this proves I have some sense of what really is the spirit of the season)

Trevor YVR Plett

(Freue dich wetl, dein konig naht! Mach deine tore weit! An gnaden reich und hehr an tat, der herr, der herr, der herrlichkeit! Mmmm...the land of chocolate. There's a good song about it, but it's not a Christmas song. So don't worry I won't sell you chocolates for half price or anything that you might regret later on. Silly German folk have German Christmas carols! But the Swedes don't and that's what makes them different.)

Time To Pass Time In the Pastime

2005-12-13T00:51:00.000+01:00

The Cantaloupe

As of a couple months ago this thing showed up on the radar of our Canadian national consciousness and it's a little bit odd. You see, over the year from September 2004 until August 2005, we had simply lived our lives like we had. Nothing special. Nothing crazy. Then all of a sudden our lives changed. There was this new sport called "hockey" and they were starting up a league. The "New NHL" as they called it. Now Canada had never really had a national sport before. Some say it was "Lacrosse" (those people would still say it's Lacrosse), but to me Lacrosse sounds like a girly game. Something on par with hopscotch maybe. Actually I think it's French for "The Cross". What are you crossing I wonder? But I don't really wonder, because I simply don't care anymore. I've moved on with my life. And so have Canadians. Initially Canadians were excited about the start up of this so-called hockey thing. While there apparentally was only six of the thirty teams in this league based in Canada, many of the employees of these "teams" were mainly Canadian. Well I figured I'd watch some of these games and you know, give it a shot

Root, Root, Root For the Home Team

When I heard the name of the Calgary team was the "Flames" I remarked, "That's a smart name". What guy doesn't like sports? What guy doesn't like fire? Combine the two and you've got a sure fire hit. Well I certainly was proved right. Guys do like fire. The Flames have sold out their games constantly. Some other teams weren't nearly as smart when they named their teams. For example, there's this team called "The Mighty Ducks Of Anaheim". This team hasn't sold out their games much. I mean at least they didn't call themselves the "Pastry Ducks". Or no...guys like pastries. But you get the point right? Guys are only going to support teams that have cool names. Now I wonder why a team doesn't exploit the wide open female sports loyalty market by calling their team the "Flowers" maybe.

The Canadian Way

Have you ever noticed how soft Canadian sports are? Well not always in the first sense you think of, but there are ways. For example, what other sports gives consolation points for the loser? Hockey loves that extra point for the overtime loss (I don't even want to comment on the shootout). No wonder people think of Canadians as nice and polite and all. I'm sure this is how it started:

NHL Dude 1- You know, it's sad when teams lose in overtime. They're so close to winning. I feel really bad for them. We should do something extra for them.
NHL Dude 2- Give them hugs?
NHL Dude 1- No, I was thinking an extra point
NHL Dude 2 (Also Known as Harrison)- Fine
NHL Dude 1- I also feel bad for the teams that don't win the Stanley Cup. Do you think we can give them some sort of trophy too?
Harrison- Or maybe hugs?
NHL Dude 1- We should get the CFL to briefly adopt this system too, because they feel sorry for losing teams as well.
Harrison- Can I at least have a hug?

I really thought it was ridiculous when the CFL started doing it. No American would EVER think of giving consolation points. In fact I'm surprised they haven't started the Mayan tradition of sacrificing the loser to the gods.

This Little Season of Ours

In a couple of days, I promise to write something about Christmas. I mean it's a good topic. Lots of things to write about. But not today unfortunately. Well actually I'm just keeping them, because I don't want to waste ideas when I already have an idea.

Movie Report

You know I'm a corporate pawn as I keep telling you. Anyways on Saturday I saw this really cool movie that I had been waiting to see for many years. And yes, it was very cool. No let down at all in my opinion. With talking animals, magical lands and mighty battles, the story was fantastic. What movie am I talking about? Well I thought it was obvious, but the correct answer is in fact, Mary Poppins. So go see Mary Poppins in a movie theatre near you!

Final Note

In the next couple of days I would like a response from you on Christmas. I particular, what are some of your favorite and least favorite things? Maybe some cool things that have happened to you. I'd like to share your love of Christmas with the world. So what does Christmas mean to you?

Trevor YVR Plett

(Some people will tell you the Flames need more scoring. These people need to realize that winning hockey games involves scoring more goals than the other team, not scoring a lot of goals. Winning hockey games also involves knowing a great chicken noodle soup recipe because I hear that is a huge factor towards winning games. Often appreciating the works of Van Gogh is an element that determines who wins and loses. Sometimes the team that looks happier after the game won it. But not always)

Made From Recycled Material

2005-11-29T00:11:00.000+01:00

The Cantaloupe

Is it just me or has it been really warm outside as of late? Does anybody notice the only cold season we have left is the summer? It's a bit confusing I must say. I also remember writing in March about how all it did in Calgary winter was NOT snow and it proceeded to snow directly after that. Either way I don't mind a little bit of snow so whatever. Not that I remember what snow is or anything. Global warming? Perhaps. However a more likely theory is that our thermomaters and bodies have simply began to feel more heat than usual. Anyone? Maybe? Couldn't it be true? No. Okay. Either way, what I can do is bring back another one of my old school reoccuring characters that you haven't seen for while. Maybe I'll bring back more. But yeah, that's what this issue will be all about.Also for those of you who wonder why I'd write something like this now, when it just snowed, yes I did write this before it snowed. And I don't check weather reports. Thank you very much. Back to the reoccuring characters.

The Town Of Cantelot Is Taken!

When we left the story of SirVR in the town of Cantelot a great storm had solved the problem of the littering dragon Retwinkle. The villagers had finally regrown their left legs. Everything was peaceful and calm. They hadn't seen either Retwinkle or McFrancination (the insider trading dragon) for a couple of months actually. The noble SirVR was getting bored with all the lack of problems going on. There wasn't even enough corruption to get him good pay. Then one day when he went to look from the tallest hill in the village he noticed a band of unruly barbarians headed for the town. "Hmmmm", he said, "that's not something you see every day". He then proceeded to take his usual afternoon nap. He was awakened by a loud commotion taking place outside. Assuming it was mearly some poor citizen being beaten and robbed he thought to himself, "That's hardly worth my time, the people in this town don't pay very well." So he went about. Later that day we went outside and there was nobody left in the streets. It was deathly quiet except the crackle of flames coming from two or three buildings. SirVR was a little astonished. He looked around town and he found markings on the buildings. "It's the Vandoths", he exclaimed! The Vandoths were a terrible people, known for sacking villages, stealing all their people and then at some point, telling those people innappropriate jokes. Many of these jokes weren't even funny. SirVR was sad for the people of the town. They'd never again see their homes or anything. Then he had an awful thought, "If there's no people, who's going to bribe me to look the other way!" That settled it. SirVR would courageously ride out in search of the Vandoths and engage them. So he mounted his trusted ostrich and beemed with confidence. After riding for a couple days he encountered something strange. There was a unicorn in the woods. Rumor had it that if you caught in unicorn in those times you would live for Ever. Ever was this really cool guy who made playing cards of all the best knights and SirVR knew that if he caught a unicorn he could make it onto one of the cards. So he set out after the unicorn only to realize that once he was well into the forest that it wasn't a regular forest, but a troll infested forest. Now the trolls in this story aren't the cute little things with really tall blue (or other color) hair that you always think about when you hear about trolls. These things were vicious! And they had caught the unicorn! So with his dreams dashed, SirVR tried to get out of the forest, but he wasn't quick enough. The trolls caught him and just before they ate him, there was a breath of hot air and the trolls all scurried off. SirVR looked up and who did he see, but McFrancination the dragon. "You've saved me!" he exclaimed graciously. "Naw, I didn't do anything noble," the dragon replied, "I have stock in a company competing against the trolls, I'm simply helping myself out here". SirVR wasn't too surprised by this, knowing McFrancination had that insider trading instinct many dragons have. In fact, he asked what company McFrancination had stock in and bought some stock in it himself before he went on again. After a three month trek he finally caught up to the marauding Vandoths in a place known as "The Valley Of Cuddling". He triumphantly marched straight into the tent of the Vandoth leader, Rumigern, who was just now telling a Cantelot villager something about his deceased grandparents. SirVR asked Rumigern why he had sacked the town and captured its people. "To sell them as slaves of course," Rumigern replied. "Makes sense," said SirVR, "however I've got a problem. These people bribe me a lot of money so I can maintain the appearance of order in their town. I can't really afford to lose that money. So I suppose I'll have to rescue them now." Rumigern waved his hand through his bushy beard and gave a pondering face, then he raised his eyebrows and smiled. "I'd like the money I get from selling these people too. However I know of another town near here called Duorfsil and not only do they need someone like you, but they have moderately more attractive women than Cantelot ever had". SirVR didn't need to hear anymore. He moved to the town of Duorfsil where he continued his corrupt ways. The Vandoths sold the Cantelot people as slaves and dragons roamed free across the land. Everyone was happy. Well, except the Cantelot peoples. They weren't.

What Became of Chile

Since I'm recounting previous characters and stories used I'd like to talk about how the year has been for Eduardo Perez (you may remember him as the farmer who wanted to sell llama meat on eBay). Eduardo Perez was chased out of the country after the llamas took power and moved to Venezuela. Once he got to Venezuela, he went to work for his brother-in-law Miguel Tito. Miguel didn't have many animals on his farm. Mostly just caterpillars. You see caterpillars are to Venezuela what coffee beans are to Columbia. It's a big business. Eduardo got a job watching these caterpillars. Now as you can imagine Eduardo was a little wary of his new flocks learning strange tricks. So anytime he saw a caterpillar doing a handstand or a triple axle, he'd hit it with a stick. That way he figured they would not want to do anymore weird things. Now obviously, the caterpillars had different plans. One day, Eduardo went in to check on the caterpillars and they had done the strangest thing! They learned to fly! Flying caterpillars! Of course they had also morphed into something with wings, but FLYING CATERPILLARS! Who could have seen that one coming? Miguel was furious! "How could you let this happen?" he screamed at his brother. Then he fired him. But Eduardo can't be blamed completely for this phenomenon. Officials throughout Venezuela began noticing the same thing happening with many caterpillars. Somehow they had learned to fly! Scientists were shocked by this move. And to this day, caterpillars around the world are learning to fly in droves and morphing into flying caterpillars. They may be somewhere around your house. Be wary. Nobody ever suspects the flying caterpillar. Eduardo didn't and they fluttered around his meadow. His meadow! Is nothing sacred??

Questions and Gerbils

I've got a question for you. And the question is as follows:
"With the flying caterpillar phenomenon rapidly intensifying, knowing the fact that these insects fly around butter, should we give these creatures some sort of nickname and how do we deal with them?"
It's near the end of November, and the beginning of something new, and just so you know, the Cantaloupe will not repeat any previous issues. Just so you know. I thought you might be worried so I cleared that up. And in the same thought, I'd like you all to know I have not recently exploded in a blaze of glory. And the Cincinnati Bengals and Los Angeles Clippers did not become respectable...Don't worry about a thing.

Trevor YVR Plett

(Avocado Brown Canary-Yellow Dark-Blue Ebony Fuchsia Green Hamburger Indigo Jet-Black Kettle-Black Lime-Green Magenta New-Cyan Orange Purple Quartz Red Sky-Blue Turquoise Ultra-Violet White Xtremely-Pink Yellow Zimbabwe-White. All the colors of the rainbow. The coolest color by far of course is "Hamburger". I like that one. It's what I painted the walls of my room)

What You Learn From Aluminum

2005-11-15T00:04:00.000+01:00

The Cantaloupe

Hey guys, it's another week and it's getting nearer and nearer to the end of the year and the dreaded Y2K6 virus that everyone's been talking about for the last three hundred years. The one that will cause planes to do round-abouts and pens won't have any more ink. So in preparation for that there are many things that you'll need to do or else perish in a freak headphone strangling accident. First of all, you need to find a good hideout once the killer toasters go on their rampage. I suggest you either move to Antarctica or get rid of your toaster, whatever is easier. However another thing to consider is the rumours. You see there are rumours that after January 1, 2006 happens there will be no more slurpee machines. And is a world without slurpees even worth living in? That's a question you'll have to answer in the coming month and a half before the world is crippled.

You Know I Think It's A Big Joke

Let me tell you something I've figured out and don't tell the government or Martha Stewart anything that I'll tell you now...I don't think there is such a thing as the Y2K6 virus. I think it's an overreaction. By now I'm pretty confident our computer systems can withstand anything. I mean c'mon it's not really a big year or anything either. Why would 2006 be that big a year? I don't have a clue. So why all the commotion? Personally I'm still a little bit frightened. You see you really don't know what could happen once it becomes 2006. It's never been 2006 A.D. before. For all we know gravity could all of a sudden start working backwards and we'll be flung out into space and realize that we'd been lied to all along, because space actually has breathable oxygen and we find it a blissful experience. I'm just scared that in the first few days that I mistakenly write down the wrong year like a sucker. People could mock me! Maybe I'll feel a little bit stupid! That'd be really intimidating! Maybe just so I don't do that, I'll begin writing the year 2006 on everything right now! That way I'll have a lot of practice. I can sign and date before I really have to.

Benign Vernacular Reticent

In place of readers offering to donate my their liver or answering questions or whatever it is they do in a usual issue, today I will answer questions from the readers.
Mike W. asks"when the silly men in white suits hunt you down what is the best thing to do:1) laugh like a loon untill they are forced to gag you, 2) Run like a fox, 3) lock yourself in a room and sing "i'll never tell.....anyone" over and over, 4) just sit there and eat your bowl of oatmeal, 5) start to talk, and don't shut up till they beg for mercy or knock you out, 6) self medicate, it will save them time, 7) find a soap box and in the middle of rush hour stasnd on your box and tell everyone the world is going to end in impossible ways like nuclear war, 8) tell the guys it's not you they want, but your room mate, and laugh evilly after they take away your protecting room mate, 9) all of the above"
First I must ask a question of my own. What kind of men are these men in white suits? I mean men mostly wear suits for special occasions or occasionallly for their proffession. These of course are usually black. For girls, white is often reserved for wedding garb. Often men go against this female tradition and wear black suits anyways as if they were at a funeral. But I suppose these men you talk about are some sort of wedding party. They are wearing white. I certainly wouldn't want to act rude around men celebrating such a happy occasion. I suppose if they were there to get my roommate (and if it was my roommate's wedding) I'd definitely help them out by telling them it's him they want not me. What? Would I get married to his fiance without telling him. That'd be a little cruel. I'll take option eight, but my laughing wouldn't be so much evil, but a gleeful laugh of someone who's happy for their friend.
Alisha R. asks"Why are you all up in my Kool-aid when you don't even know my flavor??"
Well Alisha, I'm very sorry that I was all up in your Kool-Aid. You see I'm curious sort of person. When I see a fridge I HAVE TO look inside. And once I look inside and see an opaque pitcher of something I want to have a drink. Well you see I wanted to ask what flavor it was, but you weren't home at the time, so how could I ask? But yeah, I know that's the lazy answer. I wasn't originally planning on having any of your Kool-Aid. When I broke into your house in the first place all I was looking for were valuables of some kind. But all that looting and carrying off of things made me a little tired and I wanted a drink. That fridge of course does its own beckoning. So I drank a glass of Kool-Aid. That's when I started to feel bad. "I've wronged her in some way," I said to myself, "I've came into this girl's house, carried off her things, and on top of all of that, I've drank her Kool-Aid without first asking her what flavor it is." I felt terrible, so I went to my now full van of stolen items and replaced absolutely EVERYTHING I took. No longer could I take those things without knowing I'd compromised my integrity. But there was one thing I could not replace: the glass of Kool-Aid. So I apologize sincerely right now and I hope you can forgive me. I'll make it up to you shortly I promise. So sometime next week when I see nobody at your house, I'll do it again, but properly this time. I'll leave nothing of worth. But before I go to your fridge and drink your Kool-Aid, I'll search your house high and dry until I find your cell phone number, then I'll call and before I drink Kool-Aid I'll ask, "What flavor of Kool-Aid do you have in your fridge". You'll tell me, "Grape". And I'll be like, "Wow! I thought purple was strawberry! I guess it was good I asked." Then I'll drink of the Kool-Aid and I'll have nothing to regret. This doesn't just apply to you either. Whenever I'm breaking and/or entering I'll consider this principle. Don't be up in anybody's Kool-Aid unless I know their flavor.
Amy L. asks"what would you chose between a bubble butt or a square head?"
Well this question is a complicated one. I'd choose the bubble butt, because your butt already is kinda in the shape of a bubble. It's certainly round. A square head, while it would give you the respect of your peers (who'd be in awe), would unneccesarily elevate you above them. And who wants to be looked at as some sort of "god"? Not me, that's for sure.

Quote Of The Week Or The Month Or Something

"All I had to eat today is candy....no wait, that was steak"
-Melissa C.

By the way, Melissa, I'd like to take this oppertunity to let you know that I'm not making fun of you by repeating this quote. I just found it one of the most amusing quotes I had heard for a while. Anyways you should be pleased that you were included in such a prestigious publication such as this, one so prestigious that you have to generally send me ANYTHING to get included in issues, or in your case, nothing. I did tell you though. Just don't expect that courtesy next time.

Somewhere In Outer Space

God has prepared a place. Oh wait, that's a little kid's song. But a really cool one at that. But on to more pressing issues such as me closing out this article with a bang. That's not really pressing though, so I'll just end now.

Trevor YVR Plett

("Somewhere In Outer Space, God has prepared a place for those who trust him and obey. Jesus will come again, although we don't know when". That's all I know. There's more to the song, but I don't remember it. I just remember singing it back when I was little and I was in Sunday School. Good times. Although I prefer "Read Your Bible, Pray Every Day and you'll grow, grow, grow. And you'll grow, grow, grow. And you'll grow, grow, grow". That's fun. Or "Deep and Wide" when you get rid of all the words. "______ and ______, _______ and _______. There's a ________ ________ _________ and ________". I did have fun humming the words you couldn't say. It's a shame I can't sing those songs anymore. That's why I'm glad I lied when I said that.)

Generic and the Sit Down Meal

2005-11-10T00:18:00.000+01:00

Generic And The Sit Down Meal

A year ago around this time there was a presidential election. The Cantaloupe became the president of whatever it was we were running for. Oh yes, president. The loser of the election, Tim Generic is a natural politician, but a politician needs to get voted in. So unfortunately our friend Tim had to do other things to make ends meet. He tried a few things, but eventually he became a waiter at the fancy restaurant Tishimundi's. This is one night of his employment there...

TIM GENERIC- Hello, I'll be your waiter today, Tim Generic. Thank you for supporting the Tishimundi's campaign. Our mission is to bring you the best food we can no matter what those bureaucrats in Washington have to say about it!

GUY- Aren't you supposed to ask us if we want drinks now?

TG- I will not apologize for bringing change to this establishment. For far too long our system has been outdated with people being asked about drinks right away. Before we get hasty with our decisions we need to sit back, form a committee and determine in your best interests if we need to ask you if you want drinks. Only once we go through due process will I be able to question you properly.

GUY- Whatever dude, just bring me a Coke

GIRL- How much is a raspberry smoothie?

TG- With the cost of smoothies rising at an alarming rate we may have to enact measures to keep them affordable for your average citizens. Studies show a great disparity between those who can purchase smoothies and those who cannot. I have worked long and hard to keep smoothies accessable to people from every table, bar stool or pulled out chair. Smoothies are something that makes us as people who we are. It's a symbol of freedom that nobody can take away from us. To buy a smoothie is to be able to have a sense of pride. Just because one has less money than another is no reason to deprive someone of their pride.

GUY- Look, I'm taking my girlfriend out for food. I'm paying. I don't care how much it costs. She is getting the smoothie.

TG- I hereby would like to table a motion. This is Bill H7-70 also known as the "Drinks Bill". The motion calls for this guy to recieve a coke and the girl to recieve a raspberry smoothie. The floor is now open for debate.

GUY- Dude, that's what we asked for. Of course it's what we want

SARAH DOLDROMS- Not so fast, I have an objection

GIRL- (whispering) Who's that?

TG- It's my sister. She also works here.

SD- Getting a coke and a smoothie may be a popular decision with the electorate, but the ramifications of it are huge. The overall hit to the bill-payers pocket may be larger than anticipated. There are other ways to spend this drink money that would help much more. You could get an orange juice and a root beer. Coke is known to harm the body and the cost in dentist's bills is outrageous these days.

TG- Sarah, you're out to lunch. Sometimes you must do what is outrageous to do what is right. You're holding on to outdated dogmatic ideas of what kinds of drinks you should get. This is the 21st century and it is a century of tolerance and peace. We no longer can bully people into picking certain drinks. We must have a waiter-customer accord which enables the customer to have greater selection of drinks

SD- You may be right, but what you're forgetting is the education issue. How can you expect people to make an informed decision when you've given them no education? Guy and girl, how much has Tim Generic taught you about what you're getting for drinks? Sure you think you want a coke and a smoothie now, but if the news media properly showed these items as they truly were, what would you think of them? It's the elite in society who must make these decisions for the uninformed until they become acquainted with what drinks truly are better than others.

GUY- Enough! We've made up our minds! Less talk and more getting us drinks.

TG- We've come to the vote. All in favor or immediately getting drinks raise your han...

SD- Before you do that, I'd like to propose an amendment to Bill H7-70. Currently the bill reads the guy wants a coke and the girl wants a smoothie. I'd like to tack on in addition that you share a chocolate milk. You see, it's a sad state of this table, when our children, and more importantly your unborn children aren't able to get enough calcium...

GIRL- (interrupts) I'm not pregnant!

SD- Sorry dear, our restaurant has pregnancy test sensors on the doors. We know. Ignorance of the issues does not make them correct. The unborn child is your stomach has rights you know. It simply is wrong when the mother chooses not to get two drinks when she can. I hope you reverse the decision to only get a smoothie out of moral obligation.

TG- I disagree. I personally believe in a woman's right to choose what drinks she wants. The issues are far more complicated than that however. First of all you need to realize how many things the liquid goes through before it reaches this baby. It touches the lips, tongue then down the throat and esophogus and into the stomach. After this, scientists are unable to track what happens to the liquid, although many leading experts think there is a tube leading into your arms and legs with this liquid. That would explain why when you cut yourself there is some sort of reddish liquid that squirts out. How this would hurt or help a baby I have no clue personally. One thing I do know is that the information is inconclusive. We will continue to search for the answer to this dilemma, but in the meantime we cannot stop living our lives in the ways we have done for thirty years. I say, girl, you are a customer and you are the most important person here right now!

GIRL- So can I get that smoothie then?

SD- Sorry hon, we have to vote an the amendment first

TG- We'll get it for you as soon as we have ratified the bill as a law

GUY- Look, we're hoping to do something after possibly so if there's any way to speed this...

SD- Not one that I'm aware of. It's a proven fact that 23% of all automobile accidents are caused by somewhat excessive speeding. I met a lady once whose St. Bernard was killed by a driver going 92 in a 90 zone. To listen to that lady talk about that dog and how she'll never get a chance for retribution since the driver was also killed, it's saddening. There's no doubt in my mind that this would have all been avoided if the speed hadn't been involved. Now you're going to talk about speeding this up? How selfish!

TG- Look, it's a proven fact that 69% of all people think our roadways are outdated. Throwing money at the problem won't help. What will help is spending that same money. Perhaps on building seperate roadways for animals to cross as well as more seperate roadways for kids to play in. This serious of never ending overpasses, underpasses and insidepasses will make speed a viable option. Some people may ask where we'll get all the money to do these large scale projects. It is these people we will tax the highest.

SD- There are more important issues here than making roadways safe! Sure, fancy shmancy construction projects might solve the problem, but where's the payback? People like that lady have lost beloved pets to drivers who have also perished. Who should be punished? We need to find what many people call a scapegoat. Once we have punished these goats, the owners of dead pets will feel morally justified.

TG- I agree with you there sister. The justice system in our country needs fixing. But what needs fixing before that is our roads. Cars currently are unable to traverse steep inclines, we're talking straight up here. So what I'm proposing is if we create roads that do that, the cars will be forced to innovate so they can get from Point A to Point B. I'm guessing going up one of those things will curb speeds as well.

GUY- What does this have to do with our order?

SD- Nothing, we're going on a tangent. You see the world does not simply revolve around you and Mrs. Oh I Look Good Because I'm Good-Looking.

GIRL- What did you just call me? ... Wait, was that a compliment?

TG- I think, girl, that a compliment is one of our most precious resources. We need to manage these wisely. If we trade them wisely, such as telling you how good you look, we will be more likely to get a tip in return. So you see, building strong bonds between you and I is important for both of us. You get complimented, I get tips.

GUY- We don't want compliments, all we ask is for our drinks

SD- That's the problem these days, customers don't have nearly enough faith in those waiting their tables. They only want drinks or food. If I was a customer I'd expect more. It's fairly easy to ease the hunger of a table of people, but much harder to make a dent in world hunger. Shouldn't I be able to ask my waiter or waitress to do that? If all you ask if for small things, when will you get the big ones?

TG- My shift ends in five minutes, I think we need to vote on the amendment to Bill H7-70.

GIRL- That's the chocolate milk one, or the web of freeways one?

GUY- Chocolate milk

TG- All in favour

GUY- Sure, if it'll get us our drinks faster

GIRL- Do you think I might actually be pregnant?

GUY- Look dear, can we talk about this later, without these people here...

SD- I'm in favour as well

TG- Motion carried. Guy gets coke, girl gets smoothie, they get to share a chocolate milk.

GUY- So.....

TG- What?

GUY- Aren't you going to get us our drinks now?

TG- Don't you know how bills work? They have to be ratified by the Senate first. Don't worry, it won't take too long. You see they're actually meeting next week. I'm sure you'll have your drinks in no time.

GIRL- Can we talk now? It looks like we'll have enough time

GUY- You don't have a womb

GIRL- Huh?

GUY- Your mother told me when we got married. It seems impossible yes, but somehow you were born without a womb. You can't be pregnant. You have everything else, yes, but no womb.

GIRL- And I wanted to name it Starbucks!

My Self Esteem Is Dead

2005-11-09T00:14:00.000+01:00

Welcome everybody to "Let's make a deal", the show where you decide whether or not you want to keep what you have or trade it for what is behind the door. So now let's find out who our lucky first contestant is. This first contestant is sitting near a computer (or maybe if this is the year 2006, a book), has an eyebrow or two, possibly likes taking long walks near a beach, but doesn't have to. That's right, the first contestant on today's show is you! You're the contestant! Let's see what you get for a prize, tell them Trevor! "Well you see this is a lovely new edition of The Cantaloupe". The Cantaloupe. Do you wish to take The Cantaloupe or see what's behind door number sixteen? Take a minute to really think it over? Do you want to continue with this newsletter or do you want to try for something new? This is a magical interactive newsletter so think hard about your answer now and the answer will magical change the result
.....Drum Roll Please.....
What was behind door number sixteen? Well since you forgot door number sixteen was the door you already opened! It's the same Cantaloupe you originally got! Either way you're the big winner of the day. You must feel pretty lucky to have either stayed with your original prize or went for a new one. Good choice by the way!

Heads Are Going To Roll (and Rock)

In the meantime I am going to talk about something serious. I'm going to talk about our society and its ills. Actually what I'm really going to talk about is one thing that happened to me in the last week. Well you see I was driving my car (that crazy Buick Regal) home from school one night and well I wasn't going too fast. Maybe 78 on John Laurie Boulevard which has a speed limit of 70. Then all of a sudden I see this cop behind me and he turns on his lights. I can't believe it. I pull over and he pulls over behind me. So out walks this cop and let me tell you, he's one big dude, no I'm kidding, he actually isn't. It's actually a girl. This girl is fairly young and attractive. So she comes up to the window and asks for my license and registration. I show her those and she asks me if my driver's license is a fake. I tell her that it isn't and she keeps looking at it. She then goes back to her car and gets her partner who IS in fact the really big tough guy I was about to say this girl was until I changed my mind or remembered the truth or something. Well this guy comes up to my window and tells me to get up out of the car. I ask why. He just gives me this look like if I don't get out of the car now he might pulverize me with his nuclear weapons. You know that look. So I get out of the car and no sooner do I get out of the car, but the cop throws me to the ground and holds me down. Then for no apparant reason, the girl takes this shovel and begins throwing dirt on me. Well after many minutes of this, I was buried all except my head and on the side of the road. That's when the cops get back into their car and start driving over me. The dirt of course is keeping me from being crushed. I began to get a little bit annoyed. These cops were totally abusing their rights as keepers of the law. Sure I may have been marginally over the speed limit, but I wasn't some sort of evil guy who hated feet or something. But then I really got to think during those hours. Cops do a lot of good in our society. I mean think of all the lands where cops are corrupt or take bribes or simply don't have the power to curb violence. I wouldn't want to live in those countries. I mean while I was upset that I was missing out on my thirteenth favourite TV show, I began to understand. I'm always thinking about myself. Surely I should be thankful for our good cops and shouldn't get too upset when cops want to have a little bit of fun at my expense. Is putting a pile of dirt on me and driving back and forth on it for almost sixteen hours a little excessive. Not if you think of all the murderers put behind bars. Not if you realize our land is one land where not every Joe Rogan can walk down the street with a gorilla on fire. So what am I trying to say? Honor your local police. If they want to tie you to their bumper and drive their car off a cliff and into a whirlpool of whipped cream, that should be their right as protectors of our freedom. If you feel differently why don't you move to Ancient Greece and debate with Socrates or maybe the greatest philosopher Hypocrites? I mean other than the time travel issue. Wait, where was I? The truth is this story never really happened. Well most of it. I DID get pulled over by a girl cop on John Laurie. I DID get a lousy speeding ticket. And I DID lie to you again. I don't drive that Buick Regal. Right now it's dead. I use alternative methods. I didn't get pulled over at all. But I did watch my thirteenth favourite TV show which of course is Matlock (or Touched By An Angel). I would tell you, but you wouldn't believe me anyways. So fine, believe I hate Matlock or haven't ever seen an episode of it if you wish, but one day you will look very silly.

Based On An Actually True Story

Over the weekend I in fact did attend a Calgary Stampeders football game. And of course in nobody's surprise they crushed the Edmonton Eskimoes 43-23. I mention the score in passing, but after the last story it's basically there to assure you of the truth involved here. What I want to talk about is the experience of being a fan. There's something very different about football. You see the weather outside while we were at the game was generally not very warm. The second half of the game was a little chilly. Now I'm not complaining. In fact I think watching a football game in cold weather is great! Canadian football is fundamentally meant to be cold. You have to cheer louder to stay warm. You have to huddle together with other fans to stay warm. It's a bonding time. Especially for the fan who decides to paint his chest with the team colours and not wear his shirt. In fact I think his skin may have bonded to the seats. Of course what makes football very unique is that they play no matter what the weather may be like. If they even see a cloud in the sky, they won't play a baseball game, but football plays on through everything. No joke. I once saw a kicker try to make a field goal and well the ball got sucked into a tornado. I once saw another guy accidentally confuse a football sized chunk of hail for the ball. He ran all the way for a touchdown. Boy did he look silly when he started to celebrate. No wait, those things didn't happen either. Man, I'm terrible today at not making up things to embellish my stories. Okay I owe you a story without any stretching the truth.

The Truth Begins In New Mexico

Yesterday night I was tired. I wasn't tired, because I had been running from giant lizards with hovering skateboards. I was tired, because I hadn't slept for nearly seventeen hours. So I turned off the lights and slipped into bed. No trolls resided under my bed. I didn't have this crazy dream where I was Superman's father, no wait, maybe I did. I don't really remember. But this I do know. At some point I woke up, got dressed and went about my business. And boy, was I all business in my business.

Samurai Smarties

Well next issue I well tell you the truth I hope. More than just one paragraph of it. Because I know you all expect nothing but cold hard facts from this newsletter. You expect me to tell you about government corruption and world famine and wars and all that stuff. But today I figured I'd give you a break from all that. I COULD ressurect the old "Whole Wheat Bread" column I put out in place of the Cantaloupe one week. Wouldn't you all love that? I'm sure you would. Why? Because that was a great issue.
By the way this week you will send ME your question of the week? I'd like to answer questions, please send some in. It makes my job a little easier and I like ease.

Trevor YVR Plett

(Self esteem is a fragile thing. If you smash it into a barricade at more than 60 km/h it is more than likely to be damaged if not totalled. Self esteem is better when you remember your limitations. You can't have very good self esteem management when blindfolded. Self esteem should be simple. Low self esteem may be cool with some people and high self esteem as well, but good self esteem stays somewhere in the middle. Self esteem may die, but you can always take it to the shop)

Today Is Not July 12

2005-10-31T00:09:00.000+01:00

"Hello," said the triangle to the oval, "nice to meet you"
*slap*
"Wow what soft hands you have", said the triangle
*kick to the isosceles*

The Cantaloupe

Yes! It's almost the end of October and I've said it before and I'll say it again. What's up with November? Totally the dull month of the year. The only month that compares at all is February. By November you're into your routine and you're sick of it. Christmas is almost two months away yet. There's no holidays in November. In college, EVERYTHING is due in November. And just like last year, you get to hear me complain about the month of November. But then again, the Grey Cup is in November. And November 13 is in November. Not sure what makes that day so good, but possibly something. Now if I had a birthday in November it'd make things so much cooler. Anyways what I'm really trying to say is for this issue I'm going to steal another person's material and present it as my own. Actually no wait, now that I told you that you will know the truth. So for a treat, I'm going to answer reader questions and by reader questions I mean relationship questions from readers of other peoples columns that I stole.

Very Scary Berry

"Dear Lynn (Lynn? That's not my name),
I grew up hearing that each relationship you’re in makes you better for the next one and helps you learn more about what you're looking for in a partner. I'm not entirely convinced of this. About four years ago, when I was 28, I fell in love with a woman. I was not naive or inexperienced in dealing with relationships. Every ounce of my soul told me that this was The One. I was completely in love. And this was not a situation of unrequited love, because the "I love you" actually came from her first. To make a long story short, she broke up with me and we have no contact at all. The problem is the effect this has had on me. I think on an unconscious level, I no longer “trust” the emotion of love itself. The logic being, if everything told me "This was The One" and it wasn't, how will I ever truly know?
-Conflicted Craig"
Well Conflicted Craig (if that is your real name, and I highly doubt it), I think one of your main problems is the fact that you call yourself conflicted. I mean what girl wants to go out with somebody who is conflicted? Clearly when you are conflicted that means you are sure about things. So you say "I was completely in love". Well everything told you she was the one, but you didn't want to believe it now did you? You were conflicted. Did you even get to know her name? Nowhere in your question does this woman have one. Are you sure you were going out with the same person each time, because I've heard of guys who forgot who their girlfriend was and accidently took some other girl out on a date. Well when their real girlfriend phones and asks why they didn't pick them up it can be embarassing.Now here's my advice. Work on a new persona. Stop being "Conflicted Craig" and try something new. For my money, "Cuddly" goes well with Craig. It's often hard to control your own feelings, but if you make girls like you, they're much more likely not to break up with you. And for all I know girls much rather prefer cuddly to conflicted. Nobody likes conflict except maybe the television viewer. So unless you plan on becoming a reality television star...THAT'S THE ANSWER! Simply appear on "The Bachelor" and your problems are solved.

The Time For Trix

Today is that day of the year they call Halloween. Halloween has a long and admirable heritage as a holiday. In fact I wish to tell you the story about it.
Halloween began in the early 5th century B.C. when a group of concerned parents decided they could no longer deal with awful holidays at the time such as Redolphus Day and Uschker. The leader of this group went by the name of Thyphlon and he and his wife Noltaklia were the social activitists of their time. At one point they tried to petition the king of their country to stop torturing innocent citizens of their country for amusement. Of course you know what the king REALLY ended up doing with their request. So after the king stopped torturing innocent people as they asked him to they got these big ideas in their head. So they decided to have a day celebrating all that was good about mankind. They figured they needed to be able to pass this on to their children. So each year on the day of Halloween they got their children to dress up like visionary humanitarians and go door to door in poor neighbourhoods where they would give things to the people there. As for decorations they figured that in such a happy holiday of peace and kindness they'd put up decorations showing goodness, happiness and healing. In that spirit they got the biggest thing they could find to carve at the time, a pumpkin, then they put a nice happy smiley face on it and put that on the porch to signify they were taking part in the love fest. The tradition turned out to be so popular that it changed the world and we're all living without violence or selfishness to this day and the tradition of Halloween is still practiced exactly the same as it was back then even to this day.

Continuing Ideas

If you read this and have no idea what kind of costume you should wear for next year (considering you probably don't have enough time yet this year, should've thought of that earlier right?), I've got ideas. Ideas I've thought long and hard about. Well first of all you could be scroll lock. Or the Shift Key. Or Backspace. No, I am NOT looking at the keyboard. I have GREAT ideas, stop making fun of them. You're mean! Boo.

?The?

A certain reader decided since I didn't ask you guys any questions that he would ask me a question. Thus I shall answer that. And here it is:
"Have you ever stopped to think about the starving Penguins on the dark side of Antartica? If so, what conclusion have you come to? Are they considered to be in the wrong just because they live in darkness half the time?"
Ahhhh. A deep theological and anthropological question. Yes, I've seen the commercials asking for support for the darkness ravanged penguins. I've heard the people begging for money to ease the suffering. This is no laughing matter. However the information given to us is flawed. You say they only live in darkness HALF the time. Well there's the problem. They have light. But they don't choose to see that half now do they? The truth is that the "dark side" of Antarctica actually has exactly the same amount of light as the so-called "light side". One group of penguins focuses themselves on seeing the light and were wise (thus conquering the world and mastering the best kept secret), while another group of penguins thinks they live in darkness and ends up being poor and starving. So if you ask whether or not I think they are wrong because they live in darkness half the time I would say no. They are not wrong because they live in darkness. They are wrong ABOUT living in darkness. It's a self-created prison. So here's my solution. Let's work with them to help them see the light. Perhaps if we show them the truth they will be able to bring themselves out of this prison and do something with their lives.One problem to doing this is many of the "dark side" penguins believe that the darkness is better than the light. They just sit around the ice all day and they balloon into walrus sized penguins. Well they eventually explode. We need to talk some sense into such penguins, because it is a noble cause.
That brings us to the QUESTION OF THE HOUR which is:
"What do you think about the economic situation in Hamburg right now? Do you think they should continue to rely heavily on hamburgers or branch out and focus on both ham and burgs? What would be your solution?"

Olive Famous For

A few random thoughts for a new millenium while tomorrow is another time for nonsensical thoughts. First of all, I have a happy face clipboard. It's really cool! It's smiling at me right now and makes me wonder why I have a nose when it doesn't. And that yellow skin is just ravishing. I'm getting a start on this new millenium (which isn't all that new anymore) today by wearing entirely silver clothes. Yes, that's right. I mean isn't that what everyone wears in the future? Clearly it must be a better fashion than anything we have right now. Maybe it's somehow more attactive and they found that scientifically. Got to be true. And everyone should get a vase to use as a cup, because it's far more efficient.

Trevor YVR Plett

(The phrase "Trick Or Treat" comes for the English word "trick" and the English word "treat". It's hard to track down exactly what those words used to mean, because the English culture is a strange one. They lived a long, long time ago and did some wierd things. But what this crazy phrase really means will probably elude even the brightest of convenience store clerks, because there simply is nobody with the power to go back in time and figure it out. Can you? Do you have a green shirt and seven identical strands of perrigonia 11? Because if you don't, you can't do it. Too bad for you, because I would have complimented you if you had been able to)

We Are Gaining Speed, I Can Barely Breathe

2005-10-26T00:05:00.000+02:00

The Cantaloupe

The world is coming to an end. I never believed all the hype from crackpots, but I do now. The signs are in the air. I mean really, floating signs? I can't believe it either! However it is clearly all over for the human race. But not really. Okay I lied. Not that me lying should make you a whole lot happier. You should feel betrayed and rightfully so. I have turned to the dark side. What I did last week was that part of the movie where the student turns on his master. I snuck up behind you and hit you with a sabre-toothed tiger carcass. I may just as well have clubbed a baby deer or stole a doll from a little girl and painted it gold or something. If I had a conscience which I CLEARLY don't, I'd feel terrible. So what did I do? I now own a cell phone. Yep, what a terrible person. I sold my soul. But yeah you don't have to worry about it much longer because the world is clearly coming to an end. I mean if that isn't enough to do it, I don't know what is. Oh yeah, I did also club the deer and paint the doll too so...

Proceed To Club That Baby Deer

On yes, another news note from the personal life. I'm now working at a church. I am an employee of my church. I know it may seem difficult to believe, but they are paying me to run the youth group. Now that this has come to pass, I'll have to make sure I'm a little bit more cautious with what I'm doing. First of all, pants are a plus and especially knowing whose pants I'm wearing is good. However there are another few things that I'm definitely going to have to know in the future.
- As much as I love those Christmas Life Savers "books" you get, they unfortunately are not in the Bible and therefore I cannot quote them as authoritative. Actually a funny story once I accidently referenced "Butterscotch" and was trying to tell someone "Orange" was a spiritual gift. The person I was telling this to was a little sceptical. They couldn't remember where that was from in the Bible. "Where's the from," they asked, "Philemon?" I said no, it was from Life Savers. Then that person gave me that look, you know the look they always give you. The look where they are wondering if they should tie you to a stake and burn you as a heretic or wait for the lightning bolt from the heavens to do it first. I always get the look. I'm sure you guys get that look all the time. From your parents, church leaders, yourself in the mirror, television characters and so forth. Well anyways luckily I wasn't hit by lightning and I wasn't condemned as a heretic. Now sometimes I can be lazy, but c'mon how lazy do you have to be not to get some rope and firewood? That person sure was lazy!
- If I want to go and perform a play based on Songs of Songs, go to senior pastor and ask if it's okay first.
- I am no longer to be referred to as a pyro, I am now emblazened in the Spirit.
- Just because I hate all colours but pink and green, I may not refer to Joseph's coat of many colours as simply a "pink and green" coat. That's reading far too much of my own interpretation into things. Luckily I AM allowed to translate the Bible into modern language and in THIS language there are only two colours. These people from a country where they only have two colours. It makes sense.

Answers and then More Answers

It's been a while since I asked my last question, but yes I will give you some answers. I will bore....I mean entertain you with other people's words. The question was a multiple guess (as some teachers call it) question. It was living in a house with a cow in the wall, a house that read Shakespeare at 2 a.m., or a house that was made entirely of dirt.
Cyler P. says, "I am actually currently looking for a place to live, and I have been quite disapointed that I have not found house with a live cow included. That would be just smashing. I mean, to get free unpasturized milk every morning would just be spectacular. I could just sqirt some milk right into my bowls of Mini Wheats. Brings new meaning to the word fresh, put 7-11 to shame. And think of the fun we could have playing indoor frisbee with dried out cowpies! We could even plant an indoor grass garden for the cow to graze in. Oh the possibilities"
Michael W says, "in answer to your question, i would rather live in the house that read to me every morning at 2. Because I work mostly late shifts and i'm just going to sleep at that time, so the house would read me to sleep each night. And even when i don't work, i still go to bed around that time. Thanks for the great house idea, now i must go out and find this house and buy it, later"
Dave H. says, "Hey, I have both an answer and a question, regarding your house question. What's wrong with the house made of dirt? I'm sure there are people who make their houses out of dirt out in Africa or somewhere. I'm guessing that's a lot better than nothing, which makes it good enough for me. The answer to your question is thus: If I were a house, I would ...I mean if I lived in a house, I would live in the one with the Shakespear. That guy's stuff isn't as bad as you might make it seem. Two in the morning... I think I'd get used to it. The cow deal... well if there's nothing I could do about it (killing it and eating it) that's just a bad idea. So a house made of dirt, or a house that read Shakespear? I'd pick the Shakespear deal because then at least when it rains your house isn't turning to mud."

What's Up With That?

So yeah, I have to come up with a cool concluding paragraph to this issue that's new and original. That's kinda hard to do considering I've been around for so long. Yep, I'm old. But being old has it's advantages. Like for one, you can pass for 55 and get into 55A movies. Although after doing that I wonder why I would want to see a movie about shuffleboard again. Hey guess what? I'm tired. Can you tell? Can you tell? And then there was stir fry.

Trevor YVR Plett

(From now until forever, time will be infinite and eternal just like 5:00 on a clock that is stuck at 5:00 because Billy decided to play football in the house and well his sister got mad at him and decided to stick out her leg and trip him but Billy jumped over her leg, of course landing on a pretzel which made a crunching sound distracting Billy so that he didn't notice his mom and tripped over her and smashed his nose into the clock breaking it and causing it to stay 5:00 forever)

Great Or Grey, Who's To Say?

2005-10-12T23:35:00.000+02:00

The Cantaloupe

There's a famous saying that goes, "Everytime you get a wrinkle, your smile gets that much larger". Well time flies by so I must have a pretty large smile, right? Well I don't have wrinkles so HA! I may be old, but not that old. I mean while I have been writing for a while I have only been doing "The Cantaloupe" for one and three quarter years. I've been alive for many more years that I have not been writing. And what a life I've lived. In honour of myself (yes MYSELF), I will present to you ten of my favourite stories of things that have happened to me over the course of this life of mine. Some may not be true, others may be false, but one thing is for sure; None of the stories won't be made up.

Trevor's Magical Adventures In Happy Land

1985- Oh those crazy 80's! Back in those days I was two years old. You see in the 80's parents made their kids wear goatskins, because they thought it was cool to look like cave men. However they didn't want people to look like cave men, just kids younger than 3. Well I was younger than three so I had this cute little club and all. Then my parents got me this little kitten and glued some really long teeth in it's mouth so it'd look like a saber tooth tiger and we'd always play together. My parents tell me once when I tried to club the kitten, the kitten bit me and I started bleeding! What I would've given to be there when that happened. Oh wait...I was. And it was me. Okay, anyways I miss those days

1988- In the winter of this year, Calgary hosted the Winter Olympics. Now at the time I was four. Of course I was a curous four year old just like all of them were. When you see something you want to try it. The Olympics being here was a once in a lifetime oppertunity so my parents took us all to go watch the slalom (skiing). I thought this was so cool that when I went home I went outside and brought snow inside and stuck it on the staircase. Once the stairs were covered with snow I took two rulers, taped them to my feet and went down the stairs. Well wouldn't you know my dad walks in a tries to go down the stairs. He slips and falls all the way down. Boy, was he not happy! Back in those days, punishment was often related to the crime, so my dad brings me to the top of the stairs. He tells me that I shouldn't have completed covered our stairs with snow and says that there's consequences. Then he gives this line about "hurting me more than it hurts you" and he pushes me down the stairs. Boy, did I never do that again. So it was very effective punishment. Very memorable

1991- The summer of 1991 brought one of the world's biggest scares. You see during that year, things started looking bleak for the world. Some scientists mistaken claimed that the Earth had been knocked off it's orbit and was going to fly into the sun in three months. Of course NOW we know that was completely stupid, but at time people believed everything that any other person said. "This is the 90's, they'd say. I know people lied back in the 80's and the 70's and the 60's, but they don't lie in the 90's. These days are different" they'd say. So people went through all sorts of wierd fads: sun-proof vests, giant sunglasses and other sun-related items. I remember my dad made us dig under our house all summer long. He gave us shovels and all we did all day was dig. "You'll be thankful when we're still alive and underground" he said. So one day I saw this pile of dirt. It looked so soft and cushy so I jumped in it like any fun-loving eight year old would. I sunk in and was just about to get out when something in the dirt pile grabbed me. I struggled, but it kept pulling me under. I screamed and my family came to my rescue. I'm glad, because we thought it could have been anything (there were rumours in this era that sand snakes and dragons were real and we didn't disbelieve it because it was the 90's). We found out it was a homeless guy named Paul who had snuck into our pit, planning to kill us all one by one and steal our safe spot. We were sure relieved by that, let me tell you!

1993- One of my favourite school memories involves this teacher at Col. Scott named Mrs. Fletcherson. Mrs. Fletcherson was my science teacher. Our class in grade five was incredibly rowdy and Mrs. Fletcherson simply had no patience with any of us. I know this was a long time ago, but we were a very modern school. Not only was capital punishment not allowed for misbehaving students, but corporal punishment wasn't allowed either. So she was trying to teach us about plants and stuff, but this kid Andy said some silly comment and Mrs. Fletcherson gave him that look. You all know that look from when you were a kid. That look where the teacher would like nothing better than to completely disembowel you. Well Andy just froze in his chair. Then Mrs. Fletcherson came over, grabbed Andy and took him over to this old trunk in the corner. "Think that was funny, didn't you," she asked, "well I think this will be pretty funny too!" Then she opened the trunk, stuck him in it and put some weights on top of it so he couldn't get out. None of us were ever the same in her class again. He didn't get out of the box until the end of the day either. Although I never did see him again. None of us did. At first we thought he had got suspended for his bad behavior, but then we heard stories that he was missing and his parents were all worried. This scared us, but we were kids, we'd do nothing like make jokes and tall tales. Some kids claimed they heard someone yell from the trunk and other claimed they heard banging on the sides of it. We all swore that was a haunted trunk. Sometimes we'd see Mrs. Fletcherson throw some her leftovers from lunch in the trunk. We were all amazed she had the courage to go near that trunk. But she was a remarkable teacher.

1995- My parents stuck me into basketball at a really young age. I had already by this year been in basketball for quite a while. At least a few years. Anyways, I was on a really sucky team and ended being the MVP for the team or whatever it was called. But anyway, I was walking down the street one day with a friend of mine when a black limosine pulls up and this guy gets out. Well he works for this shoe company and he wants me to advertise his product. I ask him if he works for Nike. "No". Reebok? "No". Adidas? Well it turns out he really didn't work for any shoe company I had heard of. It was Yellondarf brand shoes. He wasn't really offering me millions either. He offered me two bucks and a pair of really ugly flimsy shoes. Well being a kid, I said yes. So he got me to record this commercial and long story short, Yellondarf shoes are now a household name. Everybody owns their products.

1996- I went into grade eight with high expectations. Well not so much high expectations as a portable trampoline. It was as big as a real trampoline, but within 20 seconds I could fold it up and stick it in my pocket. I was the rage at the school. Who else owned one of these things? All the girls wanted to go out with me, but not so much me as they really just wanted to jump on the trampoline. My heart got used and abused in these days, but not as much as my trampoline. Then one day this girl I really had a crush on asked me if she could use my trampoline and well of course I said yes. Then she asked me if I'd like to make out on the trampoline. Well I said yes to that too. Unfortunately then I woke up. I'm trying to figure out why this is a favourite memory of mine, but it's certainly very sad and possibly tragic. Of course I was in junior high and what do you expect?

1998- In the late 90's things were beginning to change. People weren't as trusting as they were at the start of the 90's. People were becoming crankier and were all hoping for the millenium to come so that many shiny silver space ships would wisk them all home. Anyways it was during this time that my family took a vacation to Japan. The culture shock for our family was huge. They did things so very differently there. You see the Samurai were sort of on the end of their reign and moderism was coming to pass. So while many of the people we met were dressed in suit or other "western" clothes, others were dressed in Samurai armor. So on our trip, I befriended a Samurai and he gave me his sword. This is all context for our story of course. You see on the plane ride home I was showing the pilot my sword (which in those days was completely normal) when I accidently stabbed my sword through the control panel. We veered left and then went into a nose dive. The pilot tried and he couldn't do anything. Of course he couldn't do anything, because back in those days planes didn't control up or down with controls, but they were like teeter totters. If the weight of people in the plane was in the front of the plane, the plane started going down. If the weight of people in the plane was in the back, then the plane went up. So I yelled for all the people to go to the back of the plane and then we were okay. I felt great, because I had been the hero. The prime minister gave me a visit and I showed him the samurai sword too, which also was okay at the time.

2000- "In the year 2000....in the year 2000" -Conan O'Brien. The year 2000 was an interesting one. I had many fun experiences like when my friend Nolan swam in a public fountain. But what I enjoyed even more than that was when I got another guy by the name of Percy to fill his car with sliced cucumber and drive like that to school. Well he asked a girl along the way if she wanted a ride and when she said she did, he said, "There might be a few cucumbers on your seat". That line was simply hilarious. Anyway, Percy and that girl and married now and at their wedding she said she simply couldn't resist a guy with a car full of cucumbers. There was something about sitting there with only your eyes visible above the pile that attracted her. Of course another of my friends tried it with rotting fish heads and the girl was interested. Go figure.

2001- I graduated from high school.

NO WAIT! I can't end it there. So far that's not fraudulent. I must continue with the story. So after I graduated I went off to far away Illinois. I camped out in a tent and saw a whole lot of bands. It was something called a music festival.

NO WAIT! This story doesn't seem right. It can't have happened! It's too far-fetched.

2004- A series of strange break-ins occur at the Plett residence. After the first of these I notice the theif had hacked into my e-mail account on my computer (which was strange, because he wouldn't have had to be in my house to do that). He had used it to send a mass e-mail to my contact list. What had he sent? I didn't have to wait long to find out. It was something called "The Cantaloupe". The next week he did it again. So I figured I'd hide out and wait for him. So on a cold and gloomy day I waited in the dark. That's when I heard creaking and saw it was an unknown man! He then went on to hack on to my account and start writing an e-mail. So at the best time I jumped out at him and he grabbed me and defeated me in two seconds. Since then he's came every once in a while, pointed a gun at my head and forced me to write. No, I'm just kidding here. This entry isn't real at all. In fact what really happened is I stumbled across this portal in the time/space thingy and I took it and I got all the ideas from there. So yeah. Oh yeah and also I thwarted an attempt to take over the world. But that's not as exciting as it's portrayed on the movies. In fact it's kinda boring. So it fails to make the list

So Trevor, What's Your Point?

Why Trevor are you writing about being old and looking back on your life. Well, for those of you who haven't figured it out it is the anniversary of my birth. Yes, in fact today. Yes, in fact right now. So take it as a cause of celebration or take it as a cause for mourning. I'll take it as either. You can simply tell me that I have wrinkles and I'm fat, because I'm probably a big jerk. But anyways I've had a good life as you can clearly tell by all the memories I conjured up. I hope it lasts between 5 minutes and 70 years longer. Have a pleasant day, because it SHALL be a darn good one!

Trevor YVR Plett

(Exactly how old am I? Older than the sun and the moon put together that's how old. Now if you doubt me cut me open and check out my rings, like a tree, because I'm sure I'll have them. Then go and ask the sun and the moon how old they are and add them together. NO MULTIPLYING JERK! That's not fair. Boo hoo. So yeah I'm like a zillion years old. Is that the answer you're looking for?)

Reflexablelet

2005-10-04T23:29:00.000+02:00

Before you read this week's edition of "The Cantaloupe", wouldn't like you to drive a car that never needed to fill up with fuel? Wouldn't you like to ride a car that had unlimited power, but yet was smooth and quiet? Wouldn't you like it if that car was so cheap, you could come in and pay with cash? Well, at Chevrolet we feel the same way you feel. WE'D like to get that car too. We're so much alike that we can't help, but be friends. And what do friends do? Buy cars from us. So go to your local Chevrolet dealer today.

The Cantaloupe

Well another week and another month down. We're into October and well it's a little depressing. You see I'm soon going to be a lot older than I am now. It's a scary thing that happens once every year. Each year I can think to myself all the things I accomplished in the last year and for this year, what DID I do? Oh yes, I released a book. And I went to camp. And I did more school. Okay, it wasn't a waste of a year by any account. A waste of a year would be sitting in a cave all year and punching myself in the head until I knocked myself out and when I woke up, doing it again. In fact I'd go so far as to call that stupid. No wait, I'm sorry. I don't want to offend anyone this article so I take that back. If you have done that, I think you may just be unique and gifted in different ways than the rest of us. You see, I'm trying this new thing where I be nice to people. And by that I mean I won't make fun of you. But you know I will, so just remember that I said I wouldn't and maybe you won't notice. On with the show!

For Richer and Poorer

Over the last weekend I had the priveledge of attending two of my friends' wedding. Now to me every time I go to a wedding it feels like they are rubbing it in my face. So I'm not married. Get over it! Okay it actually doesn't feel like that much. That's mostly me and my girly side wishing I WAS married. Well where I was going with this wedding angle is I figured I'd give you some helpful tips for the big day, both attending someone elses and your own.
For the service attender there are some groundrules. If you're late to the ceremony and you think the girl walking down the aisle in the white dress is fighting you for the last seat, it's still not okay to tackle her. In fact, you really shouldn't push her, call her names, beat her with a piece of asparagus or anything like that. And those two older people beside her will mostly likely protect her and hurt you if you try anything like that.
Also if you're attending the wedding and you see these people on stage kissing, the proper reaction shouldn't be a loud "Ewwww!". I mean if you really don't want to see it you can always avert the eyes. It shouldn't be too hard. Even worse is yelling out "Get a room". You see, it's a bad idea to give people ideas like that. Who knows what they could do if they were all alone in a room together? Scrabble maybe?
Oh yeah, one thing I've noticed is this. If you're still wanting to party after the reception and you ask the newlyweds if they want to go hang out or something, they'll most likely say no. Trust me on this one.
Now let's just over to the participant side. If you're the groom and all of a sudden during the service you notice your soon-to-be wife is crying you shouldn't ask "Are you okay?" and wipe away her tears. Also if you're the best man and you notice the bride crying you shouldn't go over and ask her if she's okay and wipe away her tears. From what I have heard it is okay to cry at weddings, even if you are getting married. Of course if it's you getting married you should be stronger emotionally than to be sitting in the corner rocking back and forth crying. That would be a little weak if you ask me, but I suppose I'm not supposed to make fun of people so I apologize to anyone who spent their wedding in such a state.
Another thing I thought would be funny to do is to rig a trap on the parents of the brides' chairs. You know the rope that once they step on it jerks them up into the air. Similar to those. So they sit down and all of a sudden they're hanging upside down and you the groom hightail it out of there with the bride shouting "She's mine now!". I mean you wouldn't want to take any chances would you? Anyways, I'm sure it'd be a great bonding moment between in-laws. You'd have things to laugh about in 5 years. "Remember that time when you hung me upside down and stole my daughter, boy that was hilarious!" your father-in-law would remark. Maybe to get you back they'd come into your house and night, take your wife, nail your blankets down to the bed so you could never get free and never come back. Boy, you'd certainly have a laugh about that one. "What funny in-laws I have", you'd say. It'd be wonderful times all around I'm sure.

You See I Got These Sacks

I got to ask a question last week and well I did get some responses, so maybe next week I'll get responses too. Yay! Anyways last week I asked about dating three guys- Salmon suit, otter bait and "you look like a grapefruit" boy. Well the question was to girls, but I did get a mixed pool of responses.
Dave H. says, "(if I was a girl) "I'd rather date the guy who comparred me to the grapefruit constantly. Maybe he would be talking about my breasts, and seeing as though grapefruits are a decent size, that's a good thing. I'd really rather not date the guy who always gets attacked ... unless there was a way to get rid of the otters, then I'd pick him over the salmon guy."
Well Dave, I'm glad you're man enough to talk about having decent size breasts, but I still find it a little creepy.
Alisha R. Says, "I have given this some thought and I've come to a conclusion. The guy I would LEAST want to go out with would be the guy who dresses up in a salmon costume every time we go on a date. This is simply horrifyingly embarrassing. What girl would want to be seen in public with a giant salmon?? Costumes like that are only appropriate for outings such as all you can eat fish night and weddings. Secondly, the person I would MOST want to go out with (if forced I might add) would be the guy who compares me to a grapefruit. I don't like grapefruits but it's by far safer of a choice than dating the guy who gets attacked by wild otters.... you'd be attacked by association I'm sure. And besides, otters can leave some nasty scars and let's face it- I'm all about looks. Just kidding. Sort of. haha Okay theres my responce- I hope you are thankful I actually put effort into one of your questions."
Yes, Alisha, I am very thankful you put gave 110 % on this one, when some slackers didn't reply at all. Oops, just lost 98% of my readership. Although since they're slackers they won't put forth effort to hurt me so HA! And I agree, the fish suit would be awesome for weddings. I mean couldn't that be a great idea for a wedding. All the guests could wear salmon costumes and the wedding party could have fishing poles. OR the bride could wear the fish costume and the groom could be like "What a wonderful catch I've got. I'll throw the rest back now". Wouldn't that romantic? I certainly think so. Now don't you all go stealing that idea.
Nolan A. who was in Brighton, England may I add at the time he wrote this (Which means of the three responses so far, Medicine Hat is the closest place to here providing a response) says, "Well Trevor I'm very glad that you're letting us wish for dating people when we have such dreadful options before us. If those were my choices I know I'd start wishing to date completely different people too. So hmmm, I think I'd most wish to date a few girls I may have met across the ocean, not from me now you understand, across the ocean from where I live. But don't be confused. I wouldn't wish to date them simultaneously. I'd least wish to date dolphins. We could never live together in community. We'd have to part all the time. We would seldom see each other."
Now I don't recall dolphins being one of my options for this, but I suppose I'd rather not date a dolphin either. I mean while they are sleek and attractive, they live so far away. They don't talk much and it'd be like pulling teeth to figure out what you did wrong (even more so). Oh yes, and your half human-half dolphin children would be ridiculed. So yes, bad choices all around.One final response and yes, finally one from within 2 and a half hours of where I live. Oh yes, and our second girl to answer the question about which guy they'd like to date.
Karla K. says, "Well Trevor (if that is your real name) The answer to your question is simple. I would choose the guy who constantly compaired me to a grapefruit, because... well the other two would get weird looks and most likely get us kicked out of whatever place we were having this "DATE". At least if he was talking to me quietly or even loud less people would notice and only i would know i was dating a jerk. I mean really nice guy"
Well here's a problem I can see with this response. You say only you'd know you were dating a jerk. Well that'd certainly be a problem. Now wouldn't you hate it if you thought the guy you were dating was a jerk, but everyone else loved him? I think it'd be better to date a jerk that everybody knew was a jerk, because if you HAD to be dating him, at least you'd get sympathy.
Anyways, it's a clear win for Grapefruit boy. So boys out there, you now know what girls (and guys pretending to be girls) find attractive. Go and compare away.

This Week We Find Out Why Tea Bags Aren't Used As Fuel For Space Shuttles

I'm going to ask YET ANOTHER QUESTION. Boy, don't I seem like the prosecution now? I can be the good cop or the bad cop. It's your choice. No wait, that's my choice. Anyways......the question is thus: "If you were looking to find a place to live, would you rather live in a house with a live cow stuck in your wall, a house that read Shakespeare every night at 2 in the morning or a house that was made entirely of dirt. By the way, you can't fix any of these problems"Yes, it's reminiscent of last week's question, but I like these "would you rather" questions, so yep that's why it's there.

Making My Last Music Stand

I'm sure most of you have noticed I sold out to corporations for this issue and printed an ad before the article. Well you see, money is good and I like to have some. So yeah, that's why. If any of you want me to advertise you, you can just ask me. Because I'm certainly there to do those kinds of things.Oh yes, and since I caused you grief in that way, I'll give you a bonus. Just click on the attachment and read my list of my 100 favourite CD's (that I own). Have a great week and buy a Chevrolet while you're at it. Goodnight.

Trevor YVR Plett

(For those of you who have not figured out the title, it's a combination of three words: Reflex, flexable and bullet. Now you see the clear genius behind those things. I mean the irony or something is totally out there. Go tell Michaelango he's been bested by a mere mortal. Yep. It's so incredibly great that most humans can't figure out what it means. They will all think it's just a cool title with no other point and I can tell you that's an attitude that's very wrong. Very wrong. If I tried to explain the real meaning it would go over all of your heads. Yep.)

"Rakes: My Archnemesis"

2005-09-26T23:24:00.000+02:00

The Cantaloupe

As of recent weeks, critics have really begun to take fire at me. Someone sent me a copy of this Vern. B. Femack's article and I must admit, it really hurt. I mean apparantly my articles are no better than the mountains. Oh well. I'll survive I think. You know what I'm finding hard about writing? Small talk. It's hard to find unique little things to say at the start of each issue. I mean I talk about some event that's happening or the season or something like that. Well after almost two years of doing this you have trouble coming up with ideas. It's kinda like an NFL quarterback. As a rookie, every play is new and unique. You relish throwing the ball, but after a couple years in the league it all goes downhill. You lose your motivation for doing it. I mean why take a couple steps back and throw a ball for the like millionth time? If I was an NFL quarterback I think I would try something new like crabwalking backwards then crushing the ball with my palm and eating it. Now that would certainly be new and unique! So as I was saying, experience means nothing and it doesn't help anyone and I'm an idiot. But what's new about that? I'm sure I've said all that before.

Always Verdana- Font Of Champions

I've always thought around this time of year that trees truly are crazy. You see this is the time of year where the trees have their leaves turn yellow (or red) and then all the leaves fall off the tree and onto the ground. Now here's my issue with this. Imagine a person. Imagine in the spring that they put on clothes. Now all summer long they wear clothes. Personally I hope you can imagine this, because if you can't you may wish to have an imagination adjustment (or maybe you need to get out more). But that's off topic. Now imagine just as the days start getting chillier and colder this person takes these clothes off and stands there shivering in their underpants. This is what trees do every year. They strip themselves down for the winter and dress for the summer. Unless of course you want to think of the snow covering as some sort of parka, but then you realize that making those sorts of connections about trees is stupid.

Well Other Than When I Use Arial By Mistake

Last time I asked a question and that question was thus stated, "Do you listen to different styles of music when you're doing different things like hanging off the rafters than say you would when you're pretending to be a cinnamon bun?"Well I got a few answers to this query.
Russell D. writes, "Yes, I listen to different types of music depending on what I do, but I find that the biggest factor that affects what type of music I listen to is my mood. If I'm angry, I'll listen to louder and heavier music and if I'm happier I'll usually listen to more happy music."
Well I assume you listen to different styles according to your mood. However what mood are you in when you're hanging from the rafters? Angry? And pretending to be a cinnamon bun, maybe happy? Is that what you're trying to tell me?Another reader chastizes me on the question.
Dave H. writes "Do I listen to different types of music when I do different things? That's a crazy question to ask, there is only one song ever written. That song is "Peaches". All other 'songs' are um... not songs."
So that's it. However that wasn't the only comment about the previous issue that I got. In the small print it talked about me showing a diamond to my girlfriend. It prompted one reader to remark, "you have a girlfriend?" Well I'll tell you this: I don't not have a girlfriend. Or wait...I don't think I understand how to use double negatives. Maybe that's why I don't have a girlfriend. What girl would take someone who can't use double negatives properly? Of course that takes us to our question of the week, which is something I'm very curious about. So I'll quickly run my "Question Of The Week" title and we can get on with it.

Question Of The Week

The question of the week is mostly for the ladies, but if there are guys who wish to role play, go right ahead. In fact I encourage it."If you had the choice between going out with a guy who constantly compares you to a grapefruit, a guy who dresses up in a salmon costume every time you go on a date, or a guy who is always under attack by wild otters, who would you LEAST wish to go out with and who would you MOST wish to go out with and WHY?"
Please refrain yourselves from NOT answering this question. I have to know this. Why? Because I have three friends who are each one of these things? Maybe. Or maybe, just maybe, I'd just like to know. So help me out.

Soon I'll Garamond My Name

The prestigious Cantaloupe may not be that old, but I am. And I'm getting older. It's getting to the end of September and soon will be October and that's a frightenous thought. But soon after that comes December and I like December. It's good times all around. I really enjoy that Hanukkah season. I also enjoying eating a piece of cherry cheesecake to tell you the truth. Other things I enjoy include long walks along the beach.

Trevor YVR Plett

("I thought I was your archnemesis.""I have a life outside you Bart". Words spoken by Kelsey Grammar playing Sideshow Bob. Well some of them. And Kelsey Grammar also was on Frasier, but you know what he was on before Frasier? Cheers. Or maybe it was 'I Love Lucy'. No, I'm pretty sure it was Cheers. Did you know that his real last name isn't Grammar, but he just got that because he properly pronounced everything. "Really?" you ask. No, not really. I made that up so I'd look smart. I suppose it backfired now didn't it?)

The Femack Attack By Vern B. Femack

2005-09-19T01:58:00.000+02:00

The Femack Attack
By Vern B. Femack
Giving 1 out of 5 stars since 1999

Newsletters Will Never Recover

For those of you who do not know, I am a critic. I search the internet long and hard for things worthy of reading. On one of these long and difficult journies to find something worth reading I came across a newsletter called "The Cantaloupe". Now I will admit, it didn't sound very interesting and I almost lost interest before reading, but I'm a critic so it's my job to read and insult. The Cantaloupe is written by Trevor YVR Plett (which has got to be the weirdest middle name I've ever heard) who is still fairly unknown to most in the internet critical community. For me, I welcome new blood. After all the terrible comments I made about Nelson Jordan's blog and Ericka Walton's recipes they stopped writing and thus deprived me of easy targets. So when I found this middle-namely challenged individual with his so-called "Cantaloupe" I licked my lips in anticipation. I was not disappointed in the least let me tell you.
Let's look at his most recent offering titled "Valiant Even In Hiding". By the way, how on Earth could you possibly be valiant in hiding? That's just silly. If you're hiding you're clearly a coward! I mean I could go on for pages just on this. What kind of message is this sending to kids? To be cowards? Luckily for me, this title is the highlight of the article. It gets worse.
Mr. Plett begins to talk about music and in particular talks about rap. He makes light of the lyrics, "Throw your hands in the air and wave them around like you just don't care". The audicity of this attempt at a joke boggles the mind. Apparantly this author has not read up on his history. Did Mr. Plett not know the origin of this phrase? How could you possibly forget that this saying was started by Hubert J. back in the slavery era? This was a saying that united people to "throw their (freed) hands in the air" and wave them because they deserved better treatment and they deserved freedom. Rappers are simply paying tribute to a legend by repeating this line in a song. And for one to make fun of this is the most unsympathetic thing, simply pathetic I'd say. After reading this I couldn't continue. But no I wasn't done insulting this hack author yet. I had unsuccesfully tried eating lunch (I wasn't hungry after this gross display of ignorance), but since I could not I checked for previous issues. Apparantly, this so-called writer has more than fifty issues out and even a book. This means there has got to be some people out there who love nonsense and bafoonery as much as this hack.
I just don't get what's wrong with our society. I mean I know there many crimes and atrocities going on, but this simply is the last straw. Napolean Dynamite seems to be the movie of our generation. The movie is causing the stupiderizing of our society! And it even made me write the not-word "stupiderizing"! What is there to like about this kind of humour people? Get your heads on straight! I've considered writing the government for years in order so they might control the rampant spread of terrible art forms. Why haven't I you ask? Well that would put me out of a job. So for now I'll have to tolerate it. All the hacks in the world breathe a sigh of relief, because I, Vern B. Femack, have decided to give you a reprieve.
Back to the topic at hand, "The Cantaloupe" isn't worthy of me even giving it a grade. I've already written far too much about it. This hack job is pedestrian at best. I think this newsletter should either 'loupe' off into the distance or be lopping off at the head.
* out of 5

Personal E-mails Will Never Recover

For those of you who don't know, it is a critics job to show how much better he (or she) is than the rest of you. Having run most everyone out of the water professionally I figure it's about time I start using my hacking skills. Well I hacked into a 13 year old girl's e-mail account and I found this e-mail sent to her by her friend. I'm going to reprint it in it's entirety

"hey sara, did u c that hot gyu in clas today. i m totly crushd him. gborew. kud u c if he liks me 2? pleez."

This e-mail was sent by Rachel Albertson of Lethbridge, AB to her friend Sara Frankles of the same town. The intellegence displayed by Miss Albertson is astounding! She should get her Ph.D. in intellegence or something! I actually wanted to see what was really going on here so I visited their class and to my surprise I didn't see one hot gyu! I didn't even see a gyu! I saw some guys that were way out of Rachel's league though. Of course the particular guy Rachel thought was a "hot gyu" probably invented the word "loser" and he still was far above Miss Albertson. I certainly think this girl should become a counsellor when she grows up, because she will certainly know what heartbreak and not being loved feels like. The only problem with that is she'll have to talk and well you know how that will turn out. Of course she wasn't the only one in her class. All the kids seem to be this way. If I were the teacher I might simply die.
I think Rachel's parents need to ban her from contacting anyone again through any kind of media, because then I wouldn't have to accidently hack into an account containing one of her e-mails ever again.
* out of 5

People Will Never Recover

Yesterday this girl walked up to me and asked if I noticed anything different about her. I told her, "No, you still have enough makeup plastered on you that I think you have blubber instead of skin, your clothes still look like they've been bought off a hobo and well you've still got that same personality". To which she replied, "No, I got a haircut". Well any bozo could have figured she got a haircut, but I was trying to spare her the embarassment. And to think she got mad at ME.
Her hairstyle which I will proceed to not mention what it looked like gets a...
* out of 5

The environment will never recover

The world runs off new ideas, new innovations and new thinking. People are always searching for the newest product to buy. If something is older than a couple years it is found to be obsolete. I have no problem with this. This is the way the world should work. The problem is that people are generally not creative or forward thinking at all. People keep making the same boring buildings and boring roads as before. However for the next thing, people aren't the ones to blame.
Look at nature. When's the last time nature reinvented itself. Everytime I go to the mountains they are the same. What's so special about a big rock? Last time I checked it was grey. I wonder what colour it will be next time I look at it. Or possibly I might think that if I leave and come back the mountain will be twice as big. For something to be truly special it needs to take things to another level. For the mountains, they seem to dwell on their previous glory. One hit wonders is what I'd call them. Big, dull and boring.
Maybe I'm being too harsh. Maybe I'll go check the mountains one more time. I can certainly give them one more chance. Perhaps I'll find some new plant or wildlife. Maybe the mountain will start spewing volcanic ashe or explode. There may be the potential the mountain will get up and run away from me. Okay let me get in the car and check......Nope. The mountain is the same as always. The mountains get
* out of 5

Next Week

I hear there's a bunch of movies coming out soon. If I didn't know better I'd think maybe one of them could be good. But I know better. Coming Friday you can read as I give more things * out of 5.

Valiant Even In Hiding

2005-09-16T01:56:00.000+02:00

The Cantaloupe

Welcome back for another edition of the World's most trivial editorial comment. Okay, the Cantaloupe is a little more valued than that, but I must say that my commentary on the world has only really changed a few people's lives. I mean there are highly popular motivational speakers out there who change thousands of people in one day! So what good can I do by only changing a few? Well I suppose you'll have to answer that one, because from now on I'm going to talk about much shallower topics like...

Music and the Arts

At the start of this year I came up with a theory of mine. It holds that every even-numbered year, not a lot of good CDs come out. And every odd year there are quite a few. Well recently I have bought a whole bunch of CDs and there's many more yet to be released in the coming age. Well it made me think about all the different genres that are out there and the lyrics that they are exemplified by. First of all, country (which isn't a musical style, but I'll include it anyway) is all about being either A) Drunk, B) In Love (Most likely with your pick-up truck) or C) recently seperated from your siste...errr....wife. Now even in real music genres there are distinct themes. Metal is mainly about how much you hate everything. Rap is mainly about throwing your hands into the air and waving them around like you just don't care. Now before I move any further I want to unpack the action here. Imagine you're at a rap show and someone sings a song with these lyrics...oh wait, you're at a rap show. Right, so imagine you're at a rap show (singing those lyrics is inevitable). What are you going to do? When told to throw your hands in the air are you going to "throw" them up? No. Most people don't throw up their hands they smoothly raise them. These are clearly two different things. Now waving them around like you just don't care means basically random motion of your arms. I assume it's telling you to flail your arms wildly. What do people normally do? Keep their arms perfectly straight and move them back and forth rhymically. Now answer this question: If you don't care what people think, why are you doing exactly the same thing? So what am I trying to say, that rap is stupid? Nope. Just that next time you're at a show, you need to act like you're in a panic. And being at a rap show, with all the gangsta's who are probably ready to shoot each other, it may not be the most unfounded panic either. Back to music and what it's about. Classical music is mostly gibberish. I mean seriously, if it's supposed to be so high class, why do they sing in unintellegible words? I don't get what they're saying. It's like they're speaking another language here! I mean I know English had a lot of weird words a few hundred years ago, but I thought I could at least understand it! It's the same problem I have with other countries around the world. Do they not educate their kids or something? Like why do they all not know English and they speak it as some sort of gibberish? I don't get it.

Ointment and Tendencies Thereof

One of the cool things to do if you go to a rock show is to go crowd surfing. Now to tell you the honest truth I've only done crowd surfing myself once. In most circles it is frowned upon. Well I think that in life if you lose crowd surfing at concerts, we should bring it into other aspects of our lives. Perhaps at a hockey game. After a goal is scored by the team you're cheering for and all the fans are standing and cheering you start crowd surfing. The only drawback to this plan is that a lot of hockey arenas have two decks. This may still work but you'd have to have good catchers underneath. Maybe the next time an accident happens somewhere and a bunch of people crowd around to see what's going on you should go up on top and surf. There's a chance all the people will see you surfing and realize that life is short and to be enjoyed, not mourned. Doctors say laughter is the best medicine (or is that comedians) so the injured folk may become healed. Crowd surfing could become a public service.

That Question Of Mine

During the last issue I asked a question of all of you. I told you all to "answer the question already". Well most of you failed. You get a C+ (which of course is the worst grade possible in the Cantaloupe's new grading system). One person however did not fail and got a C- (which of course is the highest grade possible under the new grading system). This person said, "What Question? I'm A Blonde!" Thanks be to this reader for you have done all I asked which was to answer in any way you wanted. So here we have it, blondes may in fact be just as smart as anybody else. And peace and harmony will reign upon the world forever. Of yes, and because of this response a certain Lauren D. gets to be READER OF THE MONTH for January 1994. Now I hear the next READER OF THE MONTH may go even farther back. Retro is the craze nowadays so answer and you may win!
Today's question is this....

"Do you listen to different styles of music when you're doing different things like hanging off the rafters than say you would when you're pretending to be a cinnamon bun?"

2 is one digit long

So take it from me, you listen to a lot of music in your life. Silence is hard to come by. So if you're reading this e-mail right now (which you are) and listening to music (which is possible), turn it off and listen to the sounds around you.......that's too quiet isn't it? A little disconcerting. Well you'd better turn the music on and louder just to be sure you're not having any thought processes going on. Wouldn't want to let those start now would you?

Trevor YVR Plett

(On top of spaghetti all covered with cheese I found a diamond ring! Well not so much a diamond ring, but definitely a meatball. That meatball may have been a little shiny and it may have been able to cut almost anything, but I don't think it was a diamond ring. I even showed it to my girlfriend and she said "YES!". I guess she knew it was a meatball and it couldn't have been a diamond ring. My stomach seems to think it's a diamond with all the pain signals it's giving me, but I'm sure that's normal considering I hope to propose later today. Yep, I got a diamond ring right here in my pocket. I believe it's in this round and saucy box.)

Answer the Question Already

2005-09-01T01:52:00.000+02:00

The Cantaloupe

Well it's upon us like a deer sneaking up on an unsuspecting cabin, the school year. Now for many of you the passing of summer into fall only means the trees get deleafified. But for others it's a dramatic change. For some people (the younger ones especially) it means you get to go back to your favourite place in the whole world, SCHOOL! Now personally I know school is a long and boring thing for most of you, but I've decided to be kind and gentle (well not so much gentle) and give you some tips for going Back To School. But don't take it from me, I have no kids of my own to send back to school. Take it from Yerov the hard-working Russian farmer.

Sending Kids Back To School The Yerov Way

For those of you who do not know the story of Yerov, well he grew up in the olden days in Russia. When he was growing up in the communist regime they were teaching the kids propaganda about obeying the leaders and what not. Well luckily for Yerov he was from the poor family and didn't even end up going to school. I suppose that's only lucky if you think toiling all your life and ending up with nothing but mouths to feed is a successful life, but Yerov would probably say he's been a success so I'll let him think that. So Yerov took up the family farm and began doing whatever it is farmers do. When did he start this? At the age of 8. So instead of doing schooling like a usual child would he sweated and grunted and crashed rusty farm equipment into the family barn (which also was their house). Well once Yerov had 27 kids of his own he didn't have enough work at the farm for all of them to do so he figured he'd send a couple of them to school. Well he's had a lot of interesting experiences with this. One day one son came home and told him what he'd learned in science that day. "The Earth is round like a ball" his son said. "I'll have no more of your imagination," Yerov said, "We don't need to hear your fanciful stories. Stories don't sow the seeds. Stories don't water the crops. Stories, even the best stories in the whole entire world, don't harvest the crops. So why you be telling me those stories?" His son looked at him and apologized and promised he'd never go to school again. Well he did go to school again, because the family needed some supplies and had commissioned him to go take stuff from the school and bring it home. Either way, Yerov is certainly the practical type so you'll want to take him advice because he knows from experience. Last night I talked in person with Yerov the hard-working Russian farmer and he told me a few things about going back to school. First of all he told me that before one goes back to school they need to make sure their herd of gazelles is safely kept in their grazing area. He told me a story: "Once when my fifteen child was going to school she forgot to close the gate and half my gazelles ran away! Gazelle milk is what feeds my kids. It's the best kind! And don't even ask about how hard it is to get gazelles. It's next to impossible!". So take it from Yerov, you shouldn't let the gazelles out of the pen, because apparantly gazelle milk is a delicacy of some kind. The next thing that you want to know about going back to school is to make sure you bring a couple rags with you. Yerov says, "Well you see, my kids ain't got a lot of money for shoes so when they walk down the long road to school in the morning their feet get blood on them. Well you see, the trick is to get some rags and tie them to your feet and thus your feet stay blood free." Blood free. There you have it. When you go school shopping this year, keep your feet blood free by tearing up some of your old clothes and tying them around your feet. Now I know what some of you are thinking...why should I take advice from a 63 year old Russian? Well take it from me, he has life experience. And if you can't listen to that then for shame. I don't want to even call you a friend. If you hear and don't obey, you need to shape up. So the next one of you that I hear letting their gazelles out into the open will most certainly be getting a verbal lashing from me, you hear? Yeah that's right! I thought so.

For the Uninitiated

Many of you more recent readers of my overrated nonsense may not know how the system works around here. Well you see, it's that time again. Yes, it's QUESTION OF THE WEEK time. Well the way this works is that once you hear my question, you write out a thoughtful reply in your most dignified fashion, quoting Shakespeare at least 5 times and you mail it to me by mail. Don't mail it to me by phone. That doesn't work! So that said, I expect my "INKORGEN" (Inbox in Swedish) to be overflowing with useless nonsense in the next couple of days. You understand? Good.

Comatose Or Worse

Have you ever been talking to somebody and they tell you they're about tell you something important, but then instead of saying what they are going to say they get sidetracked in details about what you need to do when they tell you and stuff? Well don't you hate that? I mean just come out and say it! Don't all of a sudden forget to ask your QUESTION OF THE WEEK if you're wanting to do it. Just do it. Who cares about how you're supposed to respond. If people want to respond they will. Maybe the response will be worse if you totally forget. These kinds of people make me sick. Sick and nausiated. Sick and nausiated and kinda hungry. Hungry for meatballs. So if you ever run into one of these people that I hate so much, tell them they need to get on with it! Tell them that if they were a tuna sandwitch, they'd be at the bottom of the lunchbox!

Oops I Forgot To Do Something

I was just about to write my name and call it a newsletter when I realized I hadn't said goodbye yet. Goodbye.

Trevor YVR Plett

(Of all the colours of the rainbow, I think the colour that brings out intimidation the most is yellow. I mean the sun is fairly yellow. How many people do you know that have the courage to stare directly into the sun's eyes? Not many if you ask me. The sun is a scary thing and it's because the sun is yellow)

The Square Comes Full Circle

2005-08-13T21:05:00.000+02:00

The Cantaloupe

Look it's me and I'm writing you again! Isn't that a miracle? Well unless you've never got one of these before. If you're one of those people you need to know this. This is not the most boring newsletter in the world. If by any chance you assume it is well you need to go read National Geographic or something, because then you'll realize that you're right. This is incredibly boring.

Maroon is to Burgandy as Melons are to Hamsters

Well it's still in the summer months here (and I hope where you are, since I don't believe I have any loyal Australian readers). The summer months are times to go outside and roast your outer flesh. They are also times to show other people how out of shape and flabby you actually are. I'm in particular going to look at one phenomenon. The summer BBQ. Well first of all I need to figure out one thing. Why in particular is the summer BBQ a guy thing? What do I mean? Well have you ever been invited to a BBQ hosted by a girl? Couples yes. Guys yes. Girls no. So why doesn't your friend Marietta send you a e-mail saying, "Look we're going to cook some raw meat over a fire". Why not? Well that's one of the things I'm going to look into with the investigative journalism prowess that has won me nothing so far. Well first of all we simply have to look into what a BBQ consists of. Well there's this thing called a grill. Now one thing I've learned over years of experience is that guys are pyros. There's something about fire that attracts us. I mean personally I think women would make better fire fighters for this reason.

FireMAN 1- Hey look at that fire!
FireMAN 2- Woah! That's really cool!
FM1- Oh wow! That guy's house is totally burning down!
FM2- What should we do?
FM1- I say we grab some sticks and see if we can light them on fire!
FireWOMAN- Isn't our job to put out the fire?
(FireMAN 1 and 2 are already dancing around the fire)

It's a true story. Guys are stupidly fascinated with fire. For example on Wednesday night, I was part of a bunch of guys that did exactly that. We took our shirts off and danced around a bonfire, saw how close we could get to it and even jumped through it. So you see, guys like fire. Why don't girls like fire so much. Well I think it comes from girls being practical. How many times during your life have you seen an injured girl and her injury comes from sheer stupidity? Now think the same question about guys. Guys get injured by stupidity, girls get injured for good reasons (although clutsiness isn't really that good a reason). Girls see the danger in taking explosive materials and tossing them on fires. No girl that I know has lit gasoline filled snowmen on fire in city parks, but I know guys that have. Girls generally think ahead. Now I know I'm already way off my original topic here, but let's keep on going. Girls are to Boys what Boys are to Fire. Now I sort of regret saying that, because now I have to defend it. Of course you all know I don't regret it, because I could very easily find the "Backspace" key on my computer. Guys are stupid when it comes to fire, but even guys and fire cannot rival girls and their excuses when it comes to guys. I'm going to keep this short and sweet. Common sense needs to be used in every situation. Let's reuse my previous sketch

Woman 1- Hey! Look at that guy!
Woman 2- Woah! He's really cute!
W1- Oh wow! I heard he totally is a jerk and used his previous girlfriend!
W2- What should we do?
W1- I say we go over and flirt with him.
Woman's Male Friend- You do realize you're idiots right?
(Women are already flocking around guy)

Lucky for guys, fire isn't actually all that harmful.

The Author Takes A Break To Get Back On Topic

Now where was I? Oh yes. So I explained how guys like fire and girls don't (at least to the same extent). What else is involved in the BBQ? Oh wait, I heard a little sparrow outside. "Go back off topic" it says. Well I must obey that little sparrow at least to some extent. I'll still talk about BBQs, but I was going to talk about how guys like raw meat and girls don't. Well instead here's the reason guys host BBQs and girls don't. Guys like inviting girls to things and then looking like Provider Man. I mean it's nature. Guys like looking tough and girls like guys who look tough. I mean let's look at the example of two guys having a fight to the death. They fight and eventually one guy wins and the other guy is dead. How many girls do you know want to go out with the loser? None that I know of. I mean he's clearly weaker and girls like stronger guys. And girls definitely do not like deader guys. In the same way a good BBQ is like winning a fight to the death. And a BBQ where you end up burning yourself to death is like losing that fight I guess. Whatever. All I know is that I like BBQs.

The Extraordinary Adventures of PROVIDER MAN!!

The town of Mortolrambis lay in despair. You see for no apparant reason (or maybe one that I simply wish not to tell you) the town consisted entirely of women ages 18-30. The women of this town had no men to take care of them. They were completely helpless. Why? Because the evil Mr. Star Orbitus had locked up all the men (Oops, I wasn't supposed to tell you the reason). CLEARLY women could not fend for themselves. I mean women simply don't know how to operate a spear to kill a wild donkey. The women were hysterical. What would they do? With all the men gone, they were helpless. But what Mr. Star Orbitus did not count on was PROVIDER MAN! Suddenly Provider Man flew into town and in no time had killed many rogue aardvarks and cooked them over an open fire. All the women of the town flocked around him and marvelled at his chiseled features and ultra-tight spandex suit. The town had been saved! The evil Mr. Star Orbitus stewed in his lair. What could he do? Then he realized it. He released all the men! What will become of Provider Man when all the men get jealous and try and stomp him? This and much more will be answered later when we rejoin our program...

And In Conclusion

At this point in the program I'd like you all to realize I believe absolutely EVERYTHING I have said. There is no exaggeration of truth or anything that is meant to make you laugh. If you have any comments or question on it, feel free to send them to me and I'll send you a free nothing.So on that note, I'd like to go leave my house now so I'll get my raincoat on to protect against the hail of tomatoes. Have a great someday.

Trevor YVR Plett

(The act of putting one's foot in ones mouth is actually relatively simple. It's much more difficult to get one's belly button in your mouth. I have often tried to do it, but it is very difficult. On the easy scale, it's very easy to get your tongue in your mouth. It's actually way easier to have it in your mouth than out of your mouth. Getting a carrot into your mouth is a thrill, because it's like being a bunny.)

The Fine Art Of Camp

2005-08-01T21:01:00.000+02:00

The Cantaloupe

Well folks, it's been a long time since I sent you one of these things. A month or so. Well Trevor, where have you been all this time? Very simple my friends. Camp. I've been at camp. You see I have no access to a computer and thus it becomes much harder to send anything weekly. But I'm home now and I'm ready to write. Now the topic for today's audience. They always tell you to speak about things you know. Well I know camp. So for today's edition I'm going to talk about camp.

The What Where and Why

So what reasons are there for going to a summer camp? Can't a summer spent all alone at home be just as exciting? Possibly. I mean camp has got to be overrated right? So here's what you do to make your own home camp experience. First instead of activities such as archery or riflery you take a simple object such as a potato peeler and toss it at random objects such as a beloved artifact. Getting in trouble will make it seem like a more genuine camp feeling. Wide games are usually a highlight. Can you replace these in your home? Well, a lot of folks like Capture the Flag. So just go hide something in your house like a potato peeler and then anytime another family member comes close to where it is you tag them and bring them to jail. Remember this: Getting in trouble makes it feel realer. The only drawback is all the unpeeled potatoes you may be eating for dinner. Lighting a campfire yourself is one of the difficult skills you may learn at a camp. At home this will be much simpler. Almost all homes contain numerous highly flammable objects. I suggest you use the dining room table. I personally love singing campfire songs and singing them around the house while its burning down would be a treat. Of course once you're done with that you might want to go to a real camp for a bit while you find a new house. Actually I have a much better idea

Exciting Oppertunity

Sign up now for an awesome week at Camp My Basement! It includes everything you could possibly want in a camp! You'll definitely find yourself very close to all the other people in the camp. Remember camps where you were all alone wishing you had someone to hang out with. I don't, but even so there's no need worrying about that at Camp My Basement! Have you ever been to a camp where it's rained all the time? No need to worry about at Camp My Basement because there's ceilings everywhere! All activities will go ahead as planned! What will these activities include? That's a good question.....
Oh yeah, there's only two beds in my basement so you'll learn to share. Oh yes and there's only one washroom so you'll definitely learn to share.Listen to this testimony from a previous camper at Camp My Basement:

"I was a little concerned when I heard we'd be sleeping in a stack formation on the floor. I figured having two girls under me and another three on top of me would be uncomfortable for sleeping and certainly very warm, but now I'd suggest a dogpile for sleeping any day. As for the warmth, it was quite toasty. Luckily for us they dumped ice cubes on the pile before bed. Sure we woke up in a puddle of water, but that's camp, right? Just something to get used to. They say camp brings people together and they really mean that. I never thought I'd forget which leg sticking out of the pile is mine, but I don't think I know anymore. It's not exactly like I have feeling in it or anything like that. We've really had some deep discussions this week. One girl said, 'I think this is worse than hell'. From that statement we got into a theological debate about whether this camp or hell is worse. That's the beauty of this camp."
-Therissalynnee, 15

Vertical Time Limit

For today's question of the week, I will ask this:
"If you could host a camp in a really strange place, where would it be and what types of activities would you have?"

Unifying Turbulance

Regarding my next issue, I cannot guarentee any particular time for it's release. If I was home I could tell you next week, but sadly, I don't know when I'll be home. I also don't really know what my home is. On friday I told other people that I'd be "home on Monday". I'm at my home now. What is my home? Perhaps I'm the hermit crab that has a can on his back and then tries to find a new can. My home is a can. No wait. That's a terrible analogy. Except that I really wanted to talk about hermit crabs. I like changing what I'm talking about suddenly.

Trevor YVR Plett

(If today's column is the fine art of camp, here's the fine print of camp: Camp is spelled not only with a C and a P, but also there are two letters in the middle. Rumour has it that one of the letters is an A, but these are so far unsubstantiated. One of my friends told me the other letter was an M, but that's simply too far fetched. If I had to guess how to spell camp I would most certainly tell you it's spelled with an I and a J. CJIP! See, it works like a working toaster!)

From Acorn To Oak

2005-06-29T20:56:00.000+02:00

The Cantaloupe
The Making Of: From Acorn To Oak

For today's issue I decided I'd bring you closer to the process of creating the Cantaloupe. I figure a lot of you might have some false ideas about what the writing process does or does not include. Many of you have this idea in your head that once in a while all of sudden this random e-mail appears in your inbox. It might be from your imagination, you really don't have a clue how it came to be. Now in the past I've been highly secretive over my creative process. Very few people have seen any parts of writing. This will change however today in this breakthrough report.

Before Beginning

To get into the creative spirit, before each issue even begins I get a massage. This relaxes me and gets my brain ready to work. How did I get my very own masseuse? Well you see I opened up my own university. And I accept students that no other university will take. Just because these students are incredibly stupid doesn't mean I won't accept them. In fact it means I'm more likely to accept them. These students are precious people that nobody else in society would accept. Shame on all those who have exploited them. Well that's about to change. I mean just because these types of people think a piece of paper saying "Diploma" on it can be brought to a job interview doesn't mean we should condemn them. No, it is my goal to give them that piece of paper. So for a low, low price I have taken these lowly students into my university. One class I give is called, "Giving Me a Massage". Another class is called, "Get Me A Drink". Another class is called "Recognizing when a university you're attending is fake". I always get a kick out of teaching that last class. I mean these students may try and take higher education once I give them their piece of paper saying "Diploma", so that they won't get swindled. Anyways, where was I? Oh yeah, the massage. Well that massage is a real life saver. I'm glad to have it. Unfortunately I had to give a few students "F"s because they're simply not good enough! Take some massage courses before you apply for my university again!

Finding A Topic

Once I've sat down at a computer and began mercilessly typing away, I need a topic to write about. Sometimes you think of an event that has recently happened to you, like your trip to the dentist or a world event like the civic council. Well it isn't so much finding the topic that's the difficult thing, but writing substance that is hard. So often once I find a topic I immerse myself in it. For example, last November I wrote an article about Hungary and how they were telling us a message when the named their country. To write that article I read the encyclopedia article on Hungary. I flew to Hungary even and interviewed certain citizens so that every part would be authentic. Then finally so that I'd know how it felt to be hungry, I didn't eat for a month. During this period I noted my jealousy for the nation of Turkey increased 4%. So researching your topic thoroughly is valuable. I don't want to let the cat out of the bag here (and not just because he'll claw my leg), but for the last month I've been living in a monastery, unable to talk to anyone. I'm not even allowed to write messages to anyone. It's difficult, but I know that if I continue this for another few weeks, I'll have the material I know I need to write my next issue.

Looking Back

At some point during my issue, I may use some reader e-mails. I use a vigorous screening method to determine whether an e-mail I received is worthy to make it to the big time. The first thing I note about any e-mail I receive is whether or not the e-mail is a reply to the Cantaloupe or some other e-mail I sent. This is a highly important process for a number of reasons. First of all, what would someone think if they shared some deeply personal issue with me and I reprinted it without their permission. For example I received this e-mail from a friend recently...
"Hey,Look, I really need prayer right now. You see I've tried to give up smoking for a few months now and I was good for a while, but lately I smoked a pack. I really miss my dad. Mom just hasn't been the same since he died. The stress is getting to me. My brother told me the other day that he was gay, but he swore me to secrecy so don't tell anyone, okay? All this is swirling around me like I was a slurpee being stirred. I don't understand life anymore. Does God really exist? Why would he let all this happen to me? Oh yeah, my girlfriend says she's pregnant which I don't understand because I'm sure I've never slept with her..."
I'm going to cut it off about there. My friend Norman A. is going through some serious things. Now let's say I reprinted that e-mail during a Cantaloupe column. Let's just say I'd have one less friend, especially if I hadn't cut the last part where he tells about how he's been diagnosed with leprosy or how he's attracted to his cousin. So you see, I have to screen my e-mails at least a little bit. Nothing personal like that. As a matter of policy I usually reprint all the material that you provide me with. You see if I find a particular reader unfunny (say one whose name began with J) I can't just not print their mail, because they'll find out. So I just print it. I figure the more things I put in there by other people that aren't funny, the funnier I look by comparison.

The Finishing Touches

Once I've done all the law requires of me in regards to length of material and all, I need to find a way to close the e-mail. In the past, I have always used my name to do this. I like the reader to know that yes, Trevor YVR Plett wrote this rather than say Dan Rather. However I've always wondered if maybe I should do something different to close off my e-mails, like maybe instead of my name, I could put down my pant size or maybe my IQ. But then again, I like sticking with tradition. Some of you may have noticed from previous issues that I don't like using a spell checkers, so a lot of things I write don't make sends. This is a policy I keep so each one of my issues seems raw and unfinished. I know sometimes my lack editing means great ideas get botched or even left out. Like one issue I was going to say. I hate when I don't finish what I was

33 Waist 32 Leg

(Oh Yeah I haven't told you about the caption at the end yet. The caption is the part of the issue I can't ever let you find out how it's made. You see it involves lots of dark magic and cookies. Oh yes, lots of cookies. If you knew how I came up with these fine print tidbits you wouldn't want to look me in the eye. You most certainly wouldn't let your children anywhere near me. And I couldn't have that. I need your children. I mean....I love your children. I wish nothing but the best for your children. And I think I'll keep the story of the fine print to myself for the interest of)

Always Twirling Towards Freedom

2005-06-27T20:52:00.000+02:00

The Cantaloupe

It's now time for issue 51, the lesser known issue that doesn't have all the fanfare of a milestone issue, but it's still good in it's own way. I mean for instance, I don't have to use 51 as a theme for everything I do in this issue like I did in the last one. I don't have to build a time machine and travel to the future to steal one of my future columns like I did for my last issue. Now that was pretty difficult, but I did it all for you, my readers. Because I like you. How much do I like you? Well let's just say I like you more than reading the newspaper, but not as much as ice cream.

Birds of a Feather always lose Feathers

There's something I simply must correct. There's one bird that has gotten this bum rep and I need to correct it. Okay so let's give an example to start this all off. Let's say you have a friend who's walking into a room and then they see an ominous paper clip, get scared and run away screaming. Now if they continually refuse to go back in that room, what bird would you compare them to? A mockingbird? A swallow? No. You'd compare them to a chicken. Now what have chickens ever done to make themselves synonymous with cowardice? To examine this further let's look at other commonly used expressions or sayings involving chickens. Well the first one I can think of is "What came first, the chicken or the egg?" This doesn't really provide us with any insight other than we all know the half-chicken-half-egg came first. Okay now we come to the other thing about chickens which is a joke told by kids at the youngest ages: "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Now let's imagine for a second that cars were ten times the size they are now. Would you be more or less likely to want to cross the street? Well that's what it's like for chicken. Cars don't stop for chickens. Cars don't swerve for chickens. Cars crush chickens. People eat chickens. Now I still don't understand what's so cowardly about risking one's life, but let's get to the joke's punch line: "To get to the other side". The only reason the bird is crossing the road is because it wants to get to the other side. Now even the most cowardly people on this earth can do things they are scared of if it's a life or death situation. So if the answer to the joke was "Because a 10 foot mechanical koala was breathing fire right behind it" then maybe you could still call a chicken a coward. But no, that's not the reason. The chicken simply is a risk-taker. It does it because it can. This picture of a chicken is highly contrary to what we have been taught. Chickens are not cowards. We must realize the power of our words. Words can hurt. So the next time you thinking of making little Betty cry by calling her a coward, stop and think. Who are you really making fun of? That's right, the chicken!

The Adventures of Little Betty

Little Betty was a misunderstood child. She had problems, but not for no reason. She was 10, and she had very few friends. She was constantly teased by the other children. It wasn't her fault she was afraid of crayons jumping out from under chairs. If you knew her story, you wouldn't be surprised she would avoid chairs and/or crayons at all costs. When she was five, a crayon truck drove by her house and hit a telephone post. Well five year olds are curious creatures and she investigated. Now comes the scary part. Suddenly a cougar came out of nowhere and gave her a great paw to the side. The girl of course was very hurt by this. Her family being very concerned with her went out to first make sure she was okay and then grab all the loose crayons they could that had spilled out of the truck. Now Little Betty when she got better lived in a house full of crayons. Eventually she got sick of crayons. Eventually sick turned into deathly afraid of. Eventually she mistook the word crayon for the word chair. Do you believe this rendition of the story? Do you really think that's why she's afraid of crayons and chairs? Well you'd better, because I'm not telling a different story.

Interregation Until You Relax

It seems to have rained a whole lot here in the last while. The local news was all about flooding this and flooding that. Of course the moral as always is simply to convert your current home into some sort of houseboat.

And Then "Poof"

As many of you may know, I'm disappearing in a few days and not reappearing until a little bit later. Yes, that good old camp stuff. I like the outdoors. There's nothing like waking up in the middle of the night and realizing there's no washroom in the same building as yourself. If any of you think girls pack a lot of stuff, you either need to change your definition of girls to include me, or perhaps just change your thought patterns, whichever is easier. So as I'm out shortly, I figured I'd give you reader e-mail.

"hey yvr!!! congrats on the 50th issue! i'm quite impressed!!! i remember when the cantaloupe was such a young thing. so new and vulnerable! my, it has certainly aged gracefully...well, in response to your above question, and after thinking long and hard about a decent answer- i began to think about the possibility of chewing gum being a way of generating power. think about it...how many people at one time chew gum? i would say MANY!!! so imagine all that jaw power! hook up some windmills and you're good to go!
God bless yvr and keep the cantaloupe alive!!!
bridget."
An ancient proverb once said, "The mouth is so powerful, there should be no need for a plow". Well I think we should plow the fields using only our mouths. It'd be fun to watch. Of course I wouldn't want to put oxen out of a job. I mean what else can you do with oxen

The Question Of The Summer

Who'd win in fight, the chicken or the egg? Why?
Just because I love you guys, I'll try and get another issue out in the next couple of weeks. I can't make any promises, but let's just cross our fingers and then jam them into a wall. That way you'll be thinking of the pain and forget all about me not putting out an issue in the longest of times.

Trevor YVR Plett

(The fine art of fine print originated with the Chinese. They used to put fine print on rice to warn against many things including dragons, floods, fires and malnutrition. However this was a problem considering rice is already very small. The art continued with the Norse. They used to put fine print on clubs so that those they smashed would know they'd be dead. But not until me, has fine print been used to its full capacities.)

50! Cantaloupe's Grey Hair Shows

2005-06-15T20:46:00.000+02:00

The Cantaloupe 50th Issue Spectacular

It's the moment you've all been waiting for years. The 50th Year Anniversary of The Cantaloupe. No wait, not 50 years, but 50 issues...wait, what if this was the 50 year anniversary? It'd might look a little like this...

Cantaloupe Mush- June 10, 2054

After 50 years, you'd think this would get easier. However just like trying to get out of bed in the morning, it's difficult. But then again, with all my readers depending on me for life support I know I have to. I'd just like the thank the medical scientists once again for making Cantaloupe Mush into what respirators used to be. Now everyone in the hospital has to be reading this or else they die. It's a lot of responsibility on my part, but I'm glad it has been done. I always thought I could be a pharmaceutical expert one day, and I didn't even need a degree to do it. I'm perturbed (perturbed does mean happy nowadays doesn't it?) to have this as a vocation.

The Empire Turns Black

So I had the grandchildren over again. Now it's strange what they're teaching kids these days. I mean I know back in my day I did a lot of chest bumping or crazy greetings, but since when did picking your friend up and throwing him into a wall become the accepted form of greeting? Now I can understand a few things about this. I mean now that losing blood is no big deal, it's become a status symbol to have a gash in your forehead. I understand that part. I know myself that before going out on a formal occasion with the beautiful wife, I like to hit myself over the head with a sharp object. The red face IS cool. The problem I have with this is that you scuff up the walls. It's grievous and bogus. I like my walls looking their darndest and with the kids wearing steel wool pants, it just makes a mess. So the other day I tried to tell my twelve year old grandson Pinkinous Finbadhair this...here's how it went down:

Me: Pinkinous! Come here!
Pinkinous proceeds to come over, pick me up and toss me into the wall
Me: Oof. That's what I'm wanting to talk to you about. Do you really have to pick me up and throw me into the wall? It's Madness!
Pinkinous: Well my mother told me I wasn't allowed to like greet anyone by kicking them in the groin.
Me: Good for her, but isn't there any other greetings that you know of?
Pinkinous: No
Me: Well then, continue the wall thing

Memories, Memories and Maybe Some Twine

The last 50 years have really been something. I don't think there has been a single era of human history as abstract or complex as the last 50 years. I'll highlight a couple things. First of all the rise of Prussia to world power again has been remarkable. With all of our modern weaponry I never would've guessed someone would conquer great chunks of the world again, but the current Prussian Empire is now the biggest in world history. But you know all this. And to think they did it using turtles. TURTLES! If I had known how to do that 50 years earlier I certainly would have tried to do it. I mean think of all the calamities I would have prevented. I think too many restaurants serve sauerkraut mixed with chromatin now.

To Reciprocate Is The Essence of Wetness

Remember when people used to retire around 60-65ish? Well sadly those days are gone. When the Prussians came and conquered our coniferous land, they took all of our retirement savings. Now we're mere slaves. Luckily when we ran out of fossil fuels they needed alternative energy sources. Both involve manual labour. One involves people running around in a giant wheel like mice. I know a couple of my old friends who do that. They hate it. Lucky for me, I got the part where I jump on a trampoline 10 hours a day to generate power. Now back when I was a kid none of the 70 somethings did backflips on trampoline. So I finally taught myself to do one and I showed somebody thinking I was all that and what does he do? A double backflip! Craziness I tells you! So let me tell you it's hard for someone my age to train yourself to do anything, but finally after a year of training where I broke my hip 80 times (Good thing broken hips only take 5 seconds to heal with the proper medication), I completed a double backflip. Well what does dude do? A triple backflip! Well I was thinking maybe this guy's just a loaf, so I find an enderly lady and I show her the double backflip. Well she does a backflip barrel roll combo! It seems I'm just an immobile old grampa. So once again like always I go home and drown my sorrows with a Darth Dew.

Question of the Week

If there were to be a better way of generating power other than jumping on a trampoline, what would it be?

Well that's the first 50 years. Soon the next 50. With the way people are living today, it's highly probable.

Trevor YVR Plett Sr. Sr

....That's What It'd Look Like

I'm going to be like that when I'm 71! Gosh! I couldn't ask for a better future. Now here's the part of the newsletter where I take a page from CD's and thank people

Trevor Thanks

Everyone who subcribes to the Cantaloupe, but more so the people who don't because without them I'd never get any new readership. The pope because he's got a cool hat. Pigs, because they give me bacons and I love my bacons. Verdin, because it's a word I've yet to ever use until now. Finally Jesus Christ, because without him I wouldn't have clean underwear.(Should I explain how? You see God invented water and without water you can have no clean underwear. The system works)
Oh by the way, I've now used all 23 words I've been given to say more often. To see my readership and the list of words, I'm attaching an attachment, because if I didn't attach my attachment it'd simply be a ment and we all know how I feel about ments now don't we?
Secondly before I go on to issue 51, I've also attached a quiz about me and the Cantaloupe. If you feel the urge to waste time do it. Send me your answers and I'll mark them and send them back. After two weeks, whoever got the highest score I will give a FREE BOOK! My book! If you've already bought a book you can always get two. Just in case you wish to eat one or something. Or just give it away.
Thirdly, This will be my final issue. Goodnight

Trevor YVR Plett

(Oh by the way, that last statement was a lie. If any of you ask, "You're really done" I'll know you didn't read this. I'll never quit. I'll never give up until the whole world is conquered. I'm going to release at least another 10000 issues in the course of my life. C'mon, you can't stop me. You couldn't even stop a freight train at full speed now could you? I thought so.)